In these challenging times where everyone is dealing with all that life brings with it, and COVID-19, Una Archer and I got to talking about the importance of looking after yourself and how filling up your own cup is the most important thing you can do for yourself, and for your relationships with other people.   We all know relationships can change over time – your relationship with a toddler is different to your relationship with your teenager.  We also know relationships can improve and deteriorate.  They can also evolve as happens when a separated couple become parents rather than spouses.  It can be challenging adjusting to changing relationships and when our cups are empty the focus can be on what you wish the other person would do differently, rather than filling up your own cup.

Have a watch of the conversation between Una and I.

0:00 Introductions

01:02 What do you prefer: self-care or self-nourishment?

04:22 How having a full or an empty cup can change your experience of relationships

06:30 2 ways in which going through separation can empty your cup

07:14 A story about successfully handling a tricky handover even when with an empty cup

13:30 Re-defining your relationship with the other parent

15:40 How parenting with an empty cup can make you more susceptible to triggers

17:00 Simple practice to fill up your cup

Parenting after separation can feel very busy. You may find yourself carrying more responsibility for your child, whilst learning to navigate the co-parenting relationship.

Una and I put our heads together to hopefully help you simplify things a bit, let go of things that are not essential and make more space for what is important for you. In the video below we talk about:

• Four common influences on co-parents. As you listen about those four common influences we invite to reflect on what is like for you. Are you comfortable with how things are or do you feel it could be better?
• A way to come back to the present moment and focus on what your child needs from you right now
• What help is available if you’re finding co-parenting challenging

Una Archer is a psychologist who helps separated parents to soften the impact of the separation on their children and to resolve any emotional or behaviour issues that might have cropped up along the way. She provides one-to-one consultations to parents and families, hosts workshops for parents and professionals working with separated parents and runs termly parenting course Parenting More Comfortably.

Use this timeline if you want to come back to the specific part of the recording:

0:00 Introductions

3:00 Co-parenting foundation

4:35 Why is it important to know the common sources of pressure for co-parents?

6:20 Four common influences on co-parents that may be taking up your time and headspace, when you could be present with your children:

• 6:20 Your relationship with your own parents
• 9:30 Your relationship with the other parent
• 13:40 Your family and friends
• 16:30 What you see and hear in the media

21:00 A way to come back to the present moment and focus on what your child needs from you right now

• 24:10 Your commitment to being secure base for your child
• 25:40 Supporting your child’s exploration
• 27:00 Meeting your child’s need for comfort
• 28:00 Support for you

30:30 Translating the theory into day-to-day parenting:

• 30:40 How can I be the secure base for my child?
• 34:20 Taking stock of your co-parenting resources
• 37:20 How can I support the other parent to be the secure base?
• 42:40 Friends and family – your village
• 45:20 Filtering the messages that come from media

46:40 What help is available if you’re finding co-parenting challenging

• 47:50 How does mediation help?
• 49:00 Support to nurture secure relationship with your child

https://youtu.be/L4gXpsTAs84