Why use Child Inclusive Mediation?  Can Child Inclusive Mediation be used in Lockdown?

Welcome to this blog with me, Jo O’Sullivan a divorce lawyer and mediator and Louisa Whitney. I am not a Child Inclusive Mediator but I am a great believer in it. I always mention Child Inclusive Mediation to my clients in whatever role I am in. Louisa is training to be a Child Inclusive Mediator is a family mediator, a PPC (Professional Practising Consultant who supervises mediators) and a non-practising solicitor.    So here goes:

Jo: United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child… ’was agreed by governments (including ours) around the world in 1989. It says what they must do so that children grow as healthy as possible, can learn at school, receive protection, have their views listened to and are treated fairly. All the rights in the Convention apply to every child, no matter who they are or where they come from.’ (Pocket Book of Children’s Rights, UNICEF).  Article 12 – ‘Every child has the right to have a say in all matters affecting them, and to have their views taken seriously’.

Could you explain what Child Inclusive meditation is and how it fits with Article 12?

Louisa: This is a very topical question to ask me because I am in the middle of my training although it has been a little interrupted by coronavirus.  Child Inclusive Mediation is where children can talk to the family mediator who is meeting with their parents, and express their views about what’s important to them as part of their parents’ separation.  I think there was a study or survey in 2015 and something like 48% of children questioned said that the changes that came out of their parents’ divorce weren’t properly explained to them.  So, the idea of Child Inclusive Mediation is that it gives children a voice.  They can say things to the mediator (who is an impartial and professional person) that they maybe feel uncomfortable saying to their parents.  This could be because they don’t want to upset them, or it could be because they haven’t found the right words, or haven’t been given the opportunity.  It doesn’t give the children any decision making responsibility (that will of course rest with their parents) but it enables them to have their voices heard about what’s important to them, what they’re worrying about.  Sometimes children have really creative ideas for helping their parents.  Crucially the process is confidential and the mediator only feeds back what the children want them to and the mediator will use the children’s words and not add to them or interpret them so it really is the children’s views that are heard. How do you think this benefits parents and children alike?  What is the potential value of doing this?

Jo – There is nothing for parents to fear.  Mostly, children are very supportive and loyal to their parents. It is usually a good news story. The parents, who are often worried about the effect of their separation has had on the children, are pleased to find out that that their children are so resilient. The children, overwhelmingly, want their parents to be happy.  The other aspect is that sometimes the child(ren) will say surprising things. The parents can then either listen to what they say (if the child has been clear) or discuss what they might mean and put something into practice.  The value is that the children get a voice. The most frustrating thing for children is that they are not part of things.  I am a huge fan of a specially trained mediator speaking or rather listening to the children. My only worry is whether or not this could be effectively done on Zoom (online video). What do you think Louisa?

Louisa:

I agree with you wholeheartedly about it being a good news story and that it is such a valuable process.  It taking place online is a conundrum for many practitioners.  I’ve had this discussion with a few mediators and I know the FMA (Family Mediator’s Association)’s advice is that they don’t recommend doing it.  My take is that the main issue is safeguarding – safeguarding the clients, their children and the process and that is always down to a mediator’s judgement call and this situation is no different.  Part of setting up the child inclusive mediation process is explaining to parents the way that it will work and checking that they won’t coach their children, or ask them about it afterwards.  If a mediator has concerns about this then these should be raised with parents.  Clearly it could be easier for a parent to interfere in the process if this takes place online and if the children live with one parent and are talking to the mediator in that parent’s house.  But if both parents are on board with the value of the process then they’re less likely to do anything to jeopardise it.  If the mediator continues to have concerns then they might make a judgement call that this is not appropriate right now (i.e. during the pandemic) or at all.  There’s also some practical issues about how children access the technology and whether that might require an adult and that would need thinking through, because the child or children meet with the mediator on their own – away from the earshot of parents.  But many children are becoming very technologically proficient accessing online learning whilst their parents are working at the current time.  It also depends on how the children feel about it.  Some may feel they wouldn’t want to talk to the mediator online, other children may quite like the idea of being able to talk to the mediator from the safety and comfort of their own home.  Some teenagers may feel more comfortable talking into a phone, tablet or screen than in person.  So my take would be that you need to take each case on its own situation and how the parents and children feel and make a judgement call on that.  When weighing it up it can be helpful to think about weighing up the potential downsides of doing it versus the downsides of not doing it (as well as the upsides but they are often easier to appraise.  If everyone (parents, children and the mediator) is on board with the idea of doing it then it’s a question of safely working out the appropriate logistics.  Do you have any more thoughts on this, Jo?  I know it is a difficult area and it’s something that understandably causes concern amongst mediators, parents and children alike!

Jo:  I do feel a bit squeamish about online Child Inclusive Mediation but as you say, if all are willing and there’s no fear that the child(ren) will be under any duress or coached then why not?!

Could you explain how the mediator gets the child to speak for themselves, is it through play, story telling or how?

Louisa:  It’s very much age dependant.  I think it helps to have an array of different pens, paper, toys and items a child can ‘fiddle’ with.  It’s also useful to get some idea of what the children you’re going to talk to are interested in so you have an ‘ice breaker’.  This can be a nerve wracking experience meeting a mediator so it helps to put the children you’re talking to at their ease straight away and give them activities to focus on to make it a less intense experience.  A younger child may enjoy drawing a picture or making a model from plasticine whilst talking, but a teenager may just prefer to have something they can focus on other than the mediator (fidget spinner, Rubik’s cube) so they can talk without it feeling too intense.  That’s not to say I would stop a teenager drawing a picture if they wanted to but I’d be conscious they may see it as an activity for a younger child.

What would you say to children or parents who were nervous about coming to see the mediator, Jo?

I would encourage them to give it a go.  The law in relation to divorce and separation places the welfare of the children first and foremost.  How can that be the case if the child isn’t involved whatsoever in what’s going on?  It’s an uncomfortable internal contradiction.  My view is that children will be a lot happier and reconciled to their parents’ breakup if they are involved in this small way.  Even parents who use the collaborative process or the traditional letter writing process ought to be encouraged to use it. Child Inclusive Mediation gives the children a voice and just as importantly, an opportunity for the parents to listen in a structured and safe way.

So, if you are a client or a professional helping clients divorce or separate, please consider using Child Inclusive Mediation.

To get in touch with Jo look at

O’Sullivan Family Law or connect with Jo on Twitter

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What is child inclusive mediation?

Where parents are using mediation (and potentially even if they are not) to talk about what happens next for them, and their child(ren), in light of their separation, it is possible (and often sensible) for their child(ren) to also talk to the mediator.  This enables the child to have a voice in what is going to happen next.  Too many children feel they weren’t spoken to in their parents’ separation – that no one spoke to them about changes that were going to happen, or sought their opinion on what they might like to happen.  If you look at the statistics on the picture below, 48% of children say their parents didn’t properly explain what would happen after the divorce.  Often children have things they’d like to say or discuss but can sometimes feel hesitant to discuss these with their parents.  They can see their parents are upset, stressed, angry or irritable and worry about upsetting the apple cart.  This can be because they love their parent and don’t want to cause them any further upset.  It can also be because they recognise that they might create a more difficult situation for themselves if they say something that might be unpalatable to one or both parents.  Having an impartial third party to talk to and air their views about the situation can be hugely cathartic for a child.  It can be empowering too to have a grown up listening intently to their views and suggestions.  Suddenly their opinion is important in all of this.

It’s important to be clear that this is not about getting children to choose which parent they live with – that would be a damaging and heart breaking responsibility that would be far too much.  This is about creating a safe space where children can air their views on the situation.  Maybe they’re worrying that they won’t have enough time with dad or mum?  It could be that they have heard stories from friends whose parents have separated and are worried that they won’t get to go to football on a Saturday, or they won’t have a birthday party any more, or that they will forever be packing a bag and forgetting their PE kit because it’s at the other parent’s house, and getting into trouble at school.  They may have creative ideas on how to improve their current situation that they’d like to share but no one has ever asked them what they think before.  They may not want to talk to a mediator but without asking them, you cannot know whether they would find it beneficial or not.  Affording them the opportunity to have this conversation can also prevent this being thrown back at you at a later date with an angry “you never asked me about how I felt, or gave me the chance to talk to anyone”.

Why would you use it?

There are many reasons to think about creating the chance for your child to talk to a mediator. Whilst this may produce a better outcome for you and for your child(ren), I think there are benefits that are not necessarily linked to the outcome.  These are to be found in the process.  Simply giving your child the opportunity.  It could be that they don’t want to talk to the mediator – who is after all a stranger.  But simply asking them if they want to could open up a conversation you have not had before.  A mediator will only meet with a child (or children) where BOTH parents AND the child are in agreement that this should happen.

Speaking to the mediator affords a child or children the chance to get things off their chest to someone who is not connected to the situation in any personal sense.  A mediator will only pass on to the parents what the child or children want them to.  So a child could come and talk to the mediator and it could be a cathartic experience to share things that have bothered them, that they don’t like and feel fed up with and for them this may be enough.  They may feel they don’t need their parents to know because it would upset them but they feel better for being able to tell someone.  This can be frustrating for parents to have invested in the process (emotionally as well as economically) and to find the mediator has no messages to pass on to them, but they may find that their child has found it beneficial and now seems happier.

Where there is information to pass on, this will be entirely from the child’s perspective.  How often as parents do we think we know how our child will deal with a situation, and have then been completely surprised when they react in a different way?  It’s often hard in a separation for parents to separate how their child feels about the situation, from how they feel.  They may have very strong feelings about how the other parent has behaved but to the child that person is still their mum or dad.  Parents tend to look at arrangements as apportioning time between parents but this is not often a child’s agenda.  This was highlighted by Professor Liz Trinder (Professor of socio-legal studies at Exeter University who has studied many separation related issues) in an article published in November, 2010.

How is it set up?

Preparation and clarity are crucial in making this process a success and so it’s important both parents understand the process before approaching a conversation with their child(ren).  Parents need to agree not to coach or influence their children, and not to ask them about it afterwards.  It’s also important to give some thought to raising it with your child(ren): will this be done by both of you?  Or will it be one parent that talks to them?  If your child wishes to take things forward then the mediator will contact them in an appropriate way to make arrangements.  A meeting is arranged with the child or children (and siblings can see the mediator together or separately – or both).  The mediator will be specially qualified and insured to see children and will be well equipped to put children at their ease and will use toys, drawing or other activities during the meeting to make the conversation less intense.  It is made clear to children that only what they want to be shared will be shared with their parents.  A mediator will use the children’s own words and will simply report these back to the parents.  They don’t add to the words, or interpret them for the parents.

Who can talk to the mediator?

It is usually the case that older children will be the ones who would talk to a mediator.  Children of around 10 and upwards may have sufficient maturity but each case needs to be considered for its own unique situation.  Maybe you have a 9 year old who is bursting to talk to someone?  Perhaps you have siblings where some are older but some are younger and the younger children are adamant that if their older siblings are talking to the mediator then they are too.  Talk to your mediator about this and see what they say.  If they are not qualified to see children then they may bring another mediator in to arrange this, or send you to a specially qualified mediator.

To end this blog I wanted to share some quotes from children so that their voices were heard in this blog.  These quotes come from the “What most children say” leaflet prepared by Kent Mediation Service:

“Try not to argue in front of us but tell us what is happening and why although we don’t want to hear any personal details, or be involved in whose fault you think it was”.

“We are mostly sad or angry that you can’t live together any more.  But we can cope and get on with our lives, so long as you do too.  If you don’t, we can’t.”

“We need to be close to both of you.  This means we like doing ordinary, everyday things with both of you – eating, playing, going to bed and getting up, going to school, watching TV……”

If you’d like to know more about Child Inclusive Mediation then have a look at the web page or contact us.

Photo Credit: ID 106340055 © Macrovector | Dreamstime.com

It can be difficult getting the balance right for your children when you separate.  Your natural instinct as a parent is to protect and shield them but they need to know what is going on and what changes are going to happen in their lives.  They also need to know that the separation is not their fault and that they are loved by both parents and that they are  free to have a relationship with both parents.  This is really important and it means that each parent doesn’t wince, or make a face when they mention their other parent and that they certainly don’t say negative things about the other parent.  Children are half of one parent and half of the other and attacking the other parent is likely to be seen as attacking or not valuing a large part of that child.  That means that in any conversations about what happens next it is important that there is no blame attached e.g “well we’ll have to move house because dad won’t give us enough money to stay here”, or “you’ll probably see me less because mum won’t let you come and stay with me in the week”.

It’s also important that children are able to raise any concerns they have with their parents without fear of causing an issue or upsetting one or both of their parents.  Creating a safe and supportive space where you can answer your children’s questions is important.  If you can do that together then even better!  Sometimes you may not be able to answer their questions because you don’t know what will happen yet but it’s OK to say that you don’t know yet but you will let them know as soon as you know more.  Sometimes having an outside person to talk to can be helpful for children so that they can talk about their feelings without feeling that they are hurting their parents.  This could be another family member or a friend (provided they are not taking sides or don’t have an axe to grind).  It can also assist if they can access professional help if they need it and especially so if you notice some changes in their behaviour or if they seem to be struggling with emotional or behavioural problems.  This could be a support service provided through their school, or a counselling service provided through the NHS (such as a practice counsellor or CAMHS) or privately.  Early intervention can often be crucial in preventing long term knock on effects.

We all know that parenting is tough and that no one has a manual – let alone a manual for separating from your child’s other parent.  You might get it wrong at first.  It’s hard to know what the best thing is and it’s even harder to make rational decisions when you are angry, scared and emotional.  The first step in addressing this is acknowledging that you may not have done the right thing to both your children and their other parent.  The second is to look at what is the better choice and what support you might need to follow that route.  There is a lot of information for separating parents on the Resolution website.  There is also information for parents on the CAFCASS website.  There is also a charity called Voices in the Middle whose aim is to help young people whose parents have separated.  LKW Family Mediation are proud to support this amazing charity and you can find their website here.

As part of the family mediation process your children can be consulted so that they have a voice in the process (but without decision making responsibility) which can be helpful in informing decisions you are making about them, and if you feel you have got stuck.  This child mediation process is called Child Inclusive Mediation.  If you’d like to know more about this then please get in touch with us on 01306 646690 or by emailing louisa@lkwfamilymediation.co.uk