Steadying yourself when you wobble during separation and divorce

A guest blog by Danielle Barbereau (BA, MA, MAC)
Professional coach, providing emotional support to clients during divorce and separation
Mob: 07860 801693 | Web: www.danielleb.co.uk | Twitter: @CoachingDB

The coronavirus lockdown, a time of great uncertainty, may lead us to re-evaluate our lives: how we live and work, our values, and of course our relationships.

Now is probably not the best time to make major decisions on the relationship front, but if you are going through a painful break up, emotions can feel exacerbated. My clients tell me how lonely they feel, how isolated, how sad. They have no one to share their experiences with, listen to their fears, reassure them or provide the human touch we all crave.

If you are going through this, it is all too easy to feel that you have lost control of your life and that everyone else is calling the shots. In addition, the fear of falling ill; the worry about the health and wellbeing of loved one; money and job worries; the excruciating pain of not seeing your children when they stay with the other parents; and worse, when the other parent uses the virus as an excuse not to comply with parenting; all contribute to make the lockdown incredibly difficult.

Yet, I know that even in the worst times, we can find a bit of relief.

First things first, you need to steady yourself. These are a few tips, which are the results of many hours spent working with people who are going through painful breakups. Some may hopefully resonate with you:

• As bad as things seem at the moment, these times will pass
• Accept where you are. Don’t dwell on what you can’t change. This will make moving forward easier
• You are going through life changing emotions; it’s OK to feel these emotions
• Recovery takes time. You cannot just bounce back; you need to go through a process
• Be kind to yourself
• At the end of each day, write ONE accomplishment from your day you are proud of
• Move, get some exercise and fresh air
• If you are starting to panic, breathe deeply and repeat 3 times: ‘I accept myself as I am and I can deal with this’. This is an affirmation which will help ground you
• Take some control back

Regaining some form control at this time is crucial, but it may seem impossible to do. Yet, I encourage you to seek small ways of regaining control. This can be achieved by making some changes in your life. Initially these changes may be small: eating foods your partner did not like, going to bed at a different time, watching DVDs they would have disliked. What is important here is to do things that you did not do when they were around. Do something new, however small a step that feels. As time goes on the changes will be bigger and more significant.

Take my client Josie for example: ‘After he left, one day I sat in ‘his’ armchair. Suddenly I saw our living room from a new angle. I was in charge. It felt good.’

This is a good example because not only is it a new step, albeit apparently small, sitting in ‘his’ chair, but is ‘daring’ because it challenges the former status quo. For Josie it felt like a victory. She began to realise at that point that she would survive and be OK.

Aim at making at least one change a day, every day and observe the sense of achievement you feel. Challenging yourself is good on several levels. It takes you out of your comfort zone; it also shows you that you are capable of achieving something by yourself, and it makes you feel independent and more in charge of your life. When your partner goes, your confidence is shattered. It is absolutely vital to work on rebuilding it. Challenging yourself is a way of rebuilding a fragile confidence.

Emerging and recovering from pain is a slow process. It doesn’t happen in a tidy straight line. We go through ups and downs, peaks and troughs. Pain and grief, just like love, are personal emotions and no-one reacts exactly in the same way.

All we can do is realise that we are grieving, that the process is running its course.

Remember: this too will pass and you will get better!

We’re often talking about the importance of accessing the right help to enable you to cope with a divorce and we believe that divorce recovery is a whole lot easier if you get the right help from the right people at the right time.  It’s part of the reason we are members of Surrey Divorce Solutions which offers fixed fee packages to couples going through a separation which encompass the work of a number of professionals who work with separating couples.  So many different issues can crop up as part of a separation and these can be financial, emotional, logistical or even legal.  Not being able to see your way past an issue can often see both parties become entrenched in their viewpoints and can be responsible for the souring of an otherwise amicable relationship. Having a tricky issue can see a problem become a big family dispute very quickly.  Getting the right help from the right professional helps you feel you are moving forward with issues and can help stop you getting stuck.  We all know the difference between feeling like you have a plan and are moving forward with an issue and feeling stuck and directionless and like things will never get any better.  We believe that how you get on with your life after divorce is dramatically influenced by the way that issues are resolved.

Which brings us back to the role of divorce coaches.  They are coaches who help you when you are going through a divorce.  The role of a coach is to act like a mentor to develop someone’s skills and to help them objectively assess where they are at and how to move forward.  A divorce coach can help with any of the following:

1.  Practical help with finding out financial information and with completing your financial disclosure.  This can be invaluable if you feel you lack confidence in discussing financial issues or where you were not responsible for any part of the household finances during the marriage.
2. Helping you to visualise what your life will look like after the divorce.  This is an essential part of life after divorce.  When you feel grief stricken by the loss of the life you thought you would have, having someone who can help you to look at what will be important to you in your new life.  They can also help you to address fear around living alone after divorce.  They can help you to put together a plan for the whole of your new life, or just parts of it.
3. They can offer emotional support.  They are not counsellors and by using a coach you are not going into therapy.  The coach is offering you short term support during this difficult time and can be a good neutral sounding board to help you to make decisions about different aspects.  They are good at straddling the line between supporting you but also offering tough love and being clear about when you need to make decisions to move forward.  Friends and family who care about you may be inclined to be too tough or too soft because of their feelings for you and any views on what has taken place.
4. Understanding what is happening and how the different processes work.  Coaches are usually cheaper than lawyers and having someone to explain to you what the different stages are and what you need to think about at this moment can help you with feeling overwhelmed by legal jargon or feeling that there is too much to do.  They can help you to break each step down into manageable chunks.

If you feel that you would benefit from exploring what help a divorce coach could give you then please get in touch with us so that we can point you in the right directions.  You can reach us by calling 01306 646690 or by emailing louisa@lkwfamilymediation.co.uk