This fear can be compounded by not knowing what to expect.  Some people still equate mediation with some form of relationship therapy.  You can wonder how the mediator will get you to talk about all that needs to be resolved.

Sometimes you may want to say hurtful things because you feel very hurt yourself.  Often some things are easier said by solicitors because you can hide behind the letters that are sent as being from someone else and not you – even though they’re written saying what you want to say.

Talking things through face to face can seem like a mountain to climb.  How will you have the courage to say what you need to say?  You know that you need to safeguard yours and your children’s financial future but all discussions end in arguments?  How can you talk about financial matters when you have never handled anything to do with money? There may be 1001 questions racing through your head – often in the middle of the night.

The good news is that the mediator will be aware of how difficult you may find it.  Here at LKW Family Mediation we meet with all clients separately to begin with.  This enables us to check that mediation is suitable for you, and it also enables us to find out what your fears are and what has led you to this point.  The mediator will use this information to inform how they deal with the mediation process.  For example, if one person has never dealt with any of the money matters then the mediator will ensure that they understand each topic and the issues before moving on.  The mediator will also suggest that each party obtains the required legal and financial advice.  The mediator will, in short, ensure that the process is fair.

The mediator cannot find a resolution for you.  That’s your job.  But the mediator can provide lots of information and suggest options that you may not have thought about.  The mediator will also help you work through different options to find out which one will work best for you in practice.  In addition to this they will check how you are each feeling and ensure that breaks are taken if necessary.  The mediator may also check what support network you each feel you have and whether you have had, or may need, counselling.  This can help to support the process.  It’s important that you have a safe place to talk about what’s happening to you.  Counsellors can often be brought into the mediation process to help people deal with unresolved conflict.  This can then help the process to move forward.

By talking to each other directly you can move your discussions forward much faster than waiting for solicitors to write letters.  They can also be more honest as you speak for yourself.  It can also help parties to take responsibility for their dispute, and for finding their own resolution.  Often letters written about the “petitioner” and the “respondent” do not bring home the fact that this is a discussion about what happens next in your lives.  It can seem unreal, as if you are discussing another family.

If at any point you feel uncomfortable or particularly anxious, then talk to the mediator.  Mediation is a hugely flexible process, and the mediator may well be able to adjust it to help deal with a particular anxiety or fear.  Whilst it may seem overwhelmingly scary at first this tends to subside a little as you attend more sessions.  At the end the feeling that you have worked together to achieve a resolution that will benefit everyone makes working through that initial fear worthwhile.  Mediation makes ongoing dialogue about your children, and any financial matters, much more likely to be possible in the future.

It is not unusual for couples trying to reach a resolution between themselves to find that what starts off as a discussion about housing or when the children will see each parent, turns into a vicious argument.    Old patterns of conflict are followed round and round the loop.  The same personal criticisms rear their heads.  Confused, angry and hurt people will often lash out.  It feels horrible but attacking when you feel under threat is an automated reaction that is part of our programming.  Yes humans have reasoning and can process things at a level beyond animals but often the thinking part of our brain turns off and flight or fright mode kicks in and we react.

Talking about arrangements in mediation does not mean these types of arguments won’t rear their heads.  You will still be the same people carrying the same weight in mediation!  But a mediator can help you to concentrate on what is important such as making sure you are making arrangements that will work for your family.  The mediator can also help you to identify points that are causing difficulty in your conversations.  This often makes it easier for couples to make future arrangements on their own (or they can always return to mediation).

Often participants in mediation feel hurt that the other person is misrepresenting the situation, or  not telling the truth.  This can lead to heated discussions as one person feels strongly that they are being truthful, whereas the other feels hurt and frustrated that the other is painting such a wrong picture.  In many, many cases both versions are true.   How can both sides be true when they are so very different?  Because they are two perspectives on the same situation.

Each couple will have their own story and each part of that couple will have their own version of events.  But to take an example person A may feel they have been unhappy in the marriage for some time.  They may have tried to speak out but it ended in heated argument and so it seemed easier to say nothing.  To just carry on and hope that one day things would get better.  They have achieved a quiet life, even if it is not a happy life.  Eventually they may decide (or something may happen to make them rethink their priorities) that they cannot simply exist like this any more.  They must pursue their own happiness and they take the decision to leave.  They meet someone new and it seems a chance to try to finally enjoy life and to be fulfilled and they form a new relationship.

Person B feels that there were difficulties in the relationship but they seem to have got a lot better.  They are no longer arguing and in fact they haven’t had an argument in some time.  They feel things are good.  Then out of the blue person A informs them that  they are leaving and that they are not happy and haven’t been for some time.  How can this be?  Things seemed good?  If they weren’t happy surely they would have said?  Why would they not have mentioned it?  They then discover that person A has formed a new relationship.  This explains everything.  Clearly they have been having an affair and that is why they have left.  How dare they insinuate that it was person B’s fault that they were not happy when they have been seeing someone else.

In mediation many feelings may play out from both person A and person B.  Both parties feel hurt, both parties may feel betrayed that their spouse did not behave as they wished them too.   Both will be angry, bewildered and scared.  The feelings are exacerbated by the fact that the other is not being truthful or will not understand their version of events.

Neither party is deceiving the other, or being untruthful.  They simply have different perspectives on the same events.  As communication between them has been poor for some time, neither has been party to the other’s thoughts and they have simply filled in the bits they did not know with their own dialogue, or their own interpretation of events.

Mediation helps couples to understand this and to try to move forward and accept that they may simply have different perspectives.  Family consultants or counsellors can be used in conjunction with mediation to help each party to deal with their emotions and to come to terms with what has happened.

If you feel that mediation would help you to find a tailor made resolution for your family then please get in touch.  We are always happy to answer questions that you may have about the process.

It can seem hugely daunting when you first take steps to look at what will happen following a separation or a divorce (or you may only be thinking of separating from your partner or spouse).    There is now a wealth of information on the internet on this subject which varies in its level of accuracy and helpfulness.  Much of it focusses on next steps and how to resolve financial issues rather than looking at whether both people are ready to take this step.

Here at LKW Family Mediation we believe the first step is really to decide whether your marriage or relationship is really at an end.  This is a difficult decision to make and may require counselling to come to terms with.  It is also not unusual for one person to reach this point before the other person – in some circumstances a considerable time before the other one.

It may be difficult to focus on legal or financial issues if one person has not yet come to terms with the breakdown of the relationship.  It can take time and one person may have been contemplating this for some time meaning they have been travelling the path for far longer.  For the other person it may be a huge shock when they are told that their partner or spouse wants to separate.  They may not have had any inkling that anything was wrong.

This can lead to one person feeling frustrated that things are not moving on.  They may feel they are being helpful in providing financial information and details of solicitors.  But if the other person is still reeling from the bombshell of separation then they may simply have no capacity to be able to process financial or legal information.  Sometimes the most important thing they will need is time, and maybe counselling.

How ready each person feels to move forward with making arrangements is something we will examine in our initial meeting.  Mediation requires co-operation and collaboration with the other person and therefore a capacity to do this.  Just because someone is not ready for mediation now, it doesn’t mean they won’t be.  It may just be a little patience is required.