Feeling overwhelmed can often mean that people lose touch with that gut instinct that can help you to determine what is the best way forward. It can feel a bit like being disorientated in the sea and not being sure which way the surface is. You know you need to breathe, but you’re not sure which direction will deliver that sweet relief of taking a huge lungful or air.

Breaking down decisions can often be helpful so that there is a step by step process involving smaller matters, in turn, rather than a huge multi-faceted decision being made in one go. A mediator will often break big issues into smaller parts and go through each part in turn to help parties move forward. They can help to identify what further information each person may need to help them make a decision about each step. Mediators can help parties look together at the advantages and disadvantages of a particular option, or all the options.

Sometimes parties want to look at options purely from their own perspective and so, outside of the mediation, taking advice from a lawyer about the pros and cons of different options for you personally can be helpful. A trained divorce coach can also help you to weigh up different options and feel confident about the way forward.

Taking some time out may also be fruitful. Practising different techniques for deep breathing, or meditation, can assist, or using a mindfulness tool that works for you. This can help you to re-connect with that inner gut feeling or instinct to help you clear the fog and decide on your next steps. It can also help you to ‘feel’ which of the different options is the right one for you, and your family. When the brain perceives that a person is under threat it will trigger the ‘flight or fight’ response. This floods the body with adrenaline and will mean that you start to breathe in shorter, shallower breaths. This can produce feelings of anxiety and panic. By steadying yourself with deep breaths and relaxation techniques it can help you to slow down this instinctive response and to consider matters more rationally again.

If you’re feeling really overwhelmed by everything that is happening and none of the above tips are helping, then it may be sensible to visit your GP and/or get in touch with a counsellor to seek out some additional help. Divorce is one of the single most stressful experiences a person can have in their lifetime. It is often compared to a bereavement because you go through similar emotions and because the healing process can take a long time. There is therefore no shame at all in needing extra assistance and support to help you through this difficult time.

It is not unusual for couples trying to reach a resolution between themselves to find that what starts off as a discussion about housing or when the children will see each parent, turns into a vicious argument.    Old patterns of conflict are followed round and round the loop.  The same personal criticisms rear their heads.  Confused, angry and hurt people will often lash out.  It feels horrible but attacking when you feel under threat is an automated reaction that is part of our programming.  Yes humans have reasoning and can process things at a level beyond animals but often the thinking part of our brain turns off and flight or fright mode kicks in and we react.

Talking about arrangements in mediation does not mean these types of arguments won’t rear their heads.  You will still be the same people carrying the same weight in mediation!  But a mediator can help you to concentrate on what is important such as making sure you are making arrangements that will work for your family.  The mediator can also help you to identify points that are causing difficulty in your conversations.  This often makes it easier for couples to make future arrangements on their own (or they can always return to mediation).

Often participants in mediation feel hurt that the other person is misrepresenting the situation, or  not telling the truth.  This can lead to heated discussions as one person feels strongly that they are being truthful, whereas the other feels hurt and frustrated that the other is painting such a wrong picture.  In many, many cases both versions are true.   How can both sides be true when they are so very different?  Because they are two perspectives on the same situation.

Each couple will have their own story and each part of that couple will have their own version of events.  But to take an example person A may feel they have been unhappy in the marriage for some time.  They may have tried to speak out but it ended in heated argument and so it seemed easier to say nothing.  To just carry on and hope that one day things would get better.  They have achieved a quiet life, even if it is not a happy life.  Eventually they may decide (or something may happen to make them rethink their priorities) that they cannot simply exist like this any more.  They must pursue their own happiness and they take the decision to leave.  They meet someone new and it seems a chance to try to finally enjoy life and to be fulfilled and they form a new relationship.

Person B feels that there were difficulties in the relationship but they seem to have got a lot better.  They are no longer arguing and in fact they haven’t had an argument in some time.  They feel things are good.  Then out of the blue person A informs them that  they are leaving and that they are not happy and haven’t been for some time.  How can this be?  Things seemed good?  If they weren’t happy surely they would have said?  Why would they not have mentioned it?  They then discover that person A has formed a new relationship.  This explains everything.  Clearly they have been having an affair and that is why they have left.  How dare they insinuate that it was person B’s fault that they were not happy when they have been seeing someone else.

In mediation many feelings may play out from both person A and person B.  Both parties feel hurt, both parties may feel betrayed that their spouse did not behave as they wished them too.   Both will be angry, bewildered and scared.  The feelings are exacerbated by the fact that the other is not being truthful or will not understand their version of events.

Neither party is deceiving the other, or being untruthful.  They simply have different perspectives on the same events.  As communication between them has been poor for some time, neither has been party to the other’s thoughts and they have simply filled in the bits they did not know with their own dialogue, or their own interpretation of events.

Mediation helps couples to understand this and to try to move forward and accept that they may simply have different perspectives.  Family consultants or counsellors can be used in conjunction with mediation to help each party to deal with their emotions and to come to terms with what has happened.

If you feel that mediation would help you to find a tailor made resolution for your family then please get in touch.  We are always happy to answer questions that you may have about the process.

How often have you heard the phrase “my head says this but my heart says that”.  Or people talking about whether they make decisions with their head or their heart.  They usually mean that they are either an emotion or instinct led decision maker, or more about the facts and the analysis.  Sometimes people are a bit of both, or sometimes they make decisions differently depending on what the decision is about e.g making decisions about work on the basis of a factual analysis, whilst they make decisions about relationships on a more emotional or instinctive basis.  There is usually no right or wrong way to make decisions.

There can of course be decisions that panned out well, and decisions that turn out to not have served us well.  If a person finds themselves continually making poor decisions then they may need to revisit what led them to make those decisions.

In mediation you can find that one party makes decisions based on their instincts, whilst another prefers an analysis of all the facts.  The fact that decisions were made in different ways can be a source of tension with each person taking the view that the other’s decision making process was flawed.  This is where reality testing in mediation can be useful.

There is usually a preferred outcome for each party in mediation and the first options to consider are usually each person’s best options.  We then use the flip chart to work through the financial reality of each option.  For example, if one option is for party A to remain in the house then we look at what outgoings there will be and what income they receive.  Is their income sufficient to pay all the bills?  If not does party B have more income than they need and could they help out?  Alternatively, an option may be to sell the house and to buy a cheaper house.  Again they need to work through both parties’ outgoings and income to see if they can make ends meet.  They also need to factor in the costs of the move to see how those costs will be met.  All this can be done on the flip chart for both parties to see.

Sometimes one option may offer a clear financial advantage.  Sometimes both may be possible, in which case other factors may come into play such as which option would see the least upheaval for the children?  Or which option will enable both parties to take advantage of the most support from family and friends.  In some cases neither option will be possible – despite the decisions each party had made.  In that case the couple will need to look at more options to find one that will offer a solution.

It is this exploring of options, coupled with the reality checking, that enables couples to find their own tailor made resolution – regardless of the basis upon which they each make decisions.

If you think we can help you find your own tailor made resolution then please get in touch.