If you have agreed to use the family law mediation process, hopefully you are feeling fairly optimistic that with the help of the family law mediator, you and your spouse will be able to reach an amicable agreement on the financial issues (and perhaps children issues if you are using mediation for children matters).

The mediator will have explained to you both that the only people at the mediation sessions are you, your spouse and the mediator. Neither solicitor will be present. The mediator is an independent professional in your case and cannot provide either of you with legal advice.

Whilst you may be fairly comfortable with the thought of being in the meetings on your own, it is always a good idea to be properly prepared.

Here are 3 ways a divorce consultant can help during the mediation process:

Practical help
Hands on practical help can involve assisting you to prepare your financial information ready for the discussions in the mediation sessions. Feeling prepared on a practical level will help you to feel more prepared on a personal level. Collecting the financial information can take some time and it is important to get everything together before you embark on the mediation process. This helps you save time and money on the mediation process as well putting you in the best position to begin the discussions as soon as possible.

Coaching support
Personal coaching support can help you to feel ready for the discussions with your spouse about your family finances (and/or children issues). I can help you to work through any challenging emotions which may be making you feel apprehensive about negotiating with your spouse and/or any concerns you may have about difficult emotions coming up unexpectedly during the mediation session itself. The coaching work we do together can assist you to feel as focused, calm and confident as possible, putting you in the best position possible for talking through the important issues in mediation.

As a sounding board
A divorce consultant can help you gather your thoughts about the negotiations as the process progresses and help you decide how you want to present your position in each session. I can also provide ongoing support throughout the process to help you prepare for each session as well as providing the opportunity to have a “de-brief” after each session to discuss the progress which was made in the negotiations. It is helpful to talk to someone who understands the process and can provide specialist support through the whole process. It is good to have a “go to” person to talk through things.

07970 231744
www.rhiannonford.co.uk

rhiannon@rhiannonford.co.uk .

“Rhiannon was so organized, totally informed and reassuring, giving me the confidence to work through Mediation and ultimately come through it with dignity, but crucially with a future that I was able to negotiate with calmness and control. I am so grateful to her and would recommend her most highly.”
– HL from Middlesex
“Rhiannon was great in helping me to understand what mediation was about and how best to represent myself in the sessions. She was very clear yet sympathetic .”
– Mr BT from Ascot

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This may be the case especially where you are both on the same page about most issues and just need a little help putting together the full details of what is going to happen next.  When you get stuck or bogged down in any issue then you may benefit from bringing in other experts.  This is because using the wrong professional to address an issue can mean that you spend more money with that professional without achieving a resolution.  You can then both become frustrated with the lack of progress and consequently each other and this can give rise to family disputes that take longer to sort out – and in the most extreme scenario end up in court.

To use a couple of examples: In scenario one Janet and Roger are trying to work out what it is best to do about pensions.  They are both 61 and know that they will both retire in the next 5 years.  They each have a number of different pension pots and have to decide what they want to achieve in terms of what feels fair to them but they also have to work within what is possible with regard to pensions.  The family mediator explains the different ways of dealing with pensions to Janet and Roger but this does not help them work out what is best for them.  Janet and Roger can come back for a number of mediation meetings but this won’t help them to find the right way forward for them because they don’t have the right information about their pensions to enable them to make a decision.  If they involve a pensions expert (which could be an actuary, a Chartered Financial Planner or a financial advisor) then this will enable them to properly understand the pensions they have and what benefits they will provide and to look at how they can practically achieve an outcome which they both think is fair.

In the second example Paul and Imogen are unable to find a way forward with regard to when their children, Tom (8)and Daisy (5), will be with Paul and when they will be with Imogen.  They are both extremely angry about their separation and are directing this at each other because they each feel the separation is the other’s fault.  This has led to some very nasty arguments that have taken place in front of Tom and Daisy.  As a result of this Daisy has started wetting the bed again at night and Tom has become very withdrawn and uncommunicative.  They each blame the other for the problems with the children which they see as the other person’s fault because they caused the breakdown of the relationship.  Paul and Imogen can keep coming to mediation meetings to try to find a way forward but these are increasingly becoming a trade of insults and categorised by either party leaving the room considerably upset.  If Paul and Imogen are each able to take some time and see a counsellor to help them deal with the breakdown of their relationship then they will likely be able to come back to mediation in a few months feeling calmer and more able to make plans and put the needs of Tom and Daisy first.

In both these scenarios spending money on another expert to help the couple with the family dispute will probably mean less money spent on mediation sessions and that the mediation meetings they have will be more productive.  It will also save them coming to the conclusion that mediation has broken down and that they need to start court proceedings.  With engaging lawyers to go through the court process costing thousands of pounds it’s easy to see how spending a few hundred or even £1,000 on another expert can save money in the longer term.

At LKW Family Mediation we look at things from an overall perspective as to what is going to deliver the best outcome for the couple we’re working with at any given moment.  We will always talk to you about how much progress is being made and whether there is anything – or anyone – else that might help you to move forward.  We are a founding member of the Surrey Divorce Solutions initiative that offers fixed fee services to couples going through a separation which includes the services of different professionals.  For help finding other experts to assist you with moving on after divorce please get in touch by calling 01306 646690 or email louisa@lkwfamilymediation.co.uk.

We’re often talking about the importance of accessing the right help to enable you to cope with a divorce and we believe that divorce recovery is a whole lot easier if you get the right help from the right people at the right time.  It’s part of the reason we are members of Surrey Divorce Solutions which offers fixed fee packages to couples going through a separation which encompass the work of a number of professionals who work with separating couples.  So many different issues can crop up as part of a separation and these can be financial, emotional, logistical or even legal.  Not being able to see your way past an issue can often see both parties become entrenched in their viewpoints and can be responsible for the souring of an otherwise amicable relationship. Having a tricky issue can see a problem become a big family dispute very quickly.  Getting the right help from the right professional helps you feel you are moving forward with issues and can help stop you getting stuck.  We all know the difference between feeling like you have a plan and are moving forward with an issue and feeling stuck and directionless and like things will never get any better.  We believe that how you get on with your life after divorce is dramatically influenced by the way that issues are resolved.

Which brings us back to the role of divorce coaches.  They are coaches who help you when you are going through a divorce.  The role of a coach is to act like a mentor to develop someone’s skills and to help them objectively assess where they are at and how to move forward.  A divorce coach can help with any of the following:

1.  Practical help with finding out financial information and with completing your financial disclosure.  This can be invaluable if you feel you lack confidence in discussing financial issues or where you were not responsible for any part of the household finances during the marriage.
2. Helping you to visualise what your life will look like after the divorce.  This is an essential part of life after divorce.  When you feel grief stricken by the loss of the life you thought you would have, having someone who can help you to look at what will be important to you in your new life.  They can also help you to address fear around living alone after divorce.  They can help you to put together a plan for the whole of your new life, or just parts of it.
3. They can offer emotional support.  They are not counsellors and by using a coach you are not going into therapy.  The coach is offering you short term support during this difficult time and can be a good neutral sounding board to help you to make decisions about different aspects.  They are good at straddling the line between supporting you but also offering tough love and being clear about when you need to make decisions to move forward.  Friends and family who care about you may be inclined to be too tough or too soft because of their feelings for you and any views on what has taken place.
4. Understanding what is happening and how the different processes work.  Coaches are usually cheaper than lawyers and having someone to explain to you what the different stages are and what you need to think about at this moment can help you with feeling overwhelmed by legal jargon or feeling that there is too much to do.  They can help you to break each step down into manageable chunks.

If you feel that you would benefit from exploring what help a divorce coach could give you then please get in touch with us so that we can point you in the right directions.  You can reach us by calling 01306 646690 or by emailing louisa@lkwfamilymediation.co.uk