This fear can be compounded by not knowing what to expect.  Some people still equate mediation with some form of relationship therapy.  You can wonder how the mediator will get you to talk about all that needs to be resolved.

Sometimes you may want to say hurtful things because you feel very hurt yourself.  Often some things are easier said by solicitors because you can hide behind the letters that are sent as being from someone else and not you – even though they’re written saying what you want to say.

Talking things through face to face can seem like a mountain to climb.  How will you have the courage to say what you need to say?  You know that you need to safeguard yours and your children’s financial future but all discussions end in arguments?  How can you talk about financial matters when you have never handled anything to do with money? There may be 1001 questions racing through your head – often in the middle of the night.

The good news is that the mediator will be aware of how difficult you may find it.  Here at LKW Family Mediation we meet with all clients separately to begin with.  This enables us to check that mediation is suitable for you, and it also enables us to find out what your fears are and what has led you to this point.  The mediator will use this information to inform how they deal with the mediation process.  For example, if one person has never dealt with any of the money matters then the mediator will ensure that they understand each topic and the issues before moving on.  The mediator will also suggest that each party obtains the required legal and financial advice.  The mediator will, in short, ensure that the process is fair.

The mediator cannot find a resolution for you.  That’s your job.  But the mediator can provide lots of information and suggest options that you may not have thought about.  The mediator will also help you work through different options to find out which one will work best for you in practice.  In addition to this they will check how you are each feeling and ensure that breaks are taken if necessary.  The mediator may also check what support network you each feel you have and whether you have had, or may need, counselling.  This can help to support the process.  It’s important that you have a safe place to talk about what’s happening to you.  Counsellors can often be brought into the mediation process to help people deal with unresolved conflict.  This can then help the process to move forward.

By talking to each other directly you can move your discussions forward much faster than waiting for solicitors to write letters.  They can also be more honest as you speak for yourself.  It can also help parties to take responsibility for their dispute, and for finding their own resolution.  Often letters written about the “petitioner” and the “respondent” do not bring home the fact that this is a discussion about what happens next in your lives.  It can seem unreal, as if you are discussing another family.

If at any point you feel uncomfortable or particularly anxious, then talk to the mediator.  Mediation is a hugely flexible process, and the mediator may well be able to adjust it to help deal with a particular anxiety or fear.  Whilst it may seem overwhelmingly scary at first this tends to subside a little as you attend more sessions.  At the end the feeling that you have worked together to achieve a resolution that will benefit everyone makes working through that initial fear worthwhile.  Mediation makes ongoing dialogue about your children, and any financial matters, much more likely to be possible in the future.

When somebody first makes an enquiry about mediation they may have some idea that mediation is to help separating couples talk about what they’re going to do but they often do not understand how the mediator will go about this.  The purpose of mediation is not to offer counselling to the parties about the breakdown of their relationship.  But the mediator may well suggest that those attending mediation attend counselling (if they have not done so already) if they feel this will help them to move forward.  It is often the past that can stop those in mediation being able to make plans for their future.

Mediators work by getting both parties to engage in the process of trying to find a resolution that will work for them and their family.  They use various different techniques to help encourage discussion and also to help each party hear each other.  One of the crucial parts of mediation is exploring options.

In making any decision people have to know what their options are and weigh up the options to determine which is best.  This can be particularly complicated when a couple are separating for a number of reasons.  Firstly, they may not be aware or able to define the options available to them.  Secondly, they may not be in the right frame of mind to properly appraise options and thirdly, there may be considerably more information that is needed before they can make an informed choice about which option is best.

The mediator will be able to help the couple to define and explore the options that may be open to them.  Family mediators have considerable experience of separation and so can suggest options that the couple may not have been aware of.  Lawyer mediators will draw on their lawyer experience to be able to suggest further options.  They can help the couple to highlight where further information may be necessary in order to properly explore an option.

In addition to this they can offer something called reality testing.  When people enter mediation they can have an idea of what they hope to achieve.  Sometimes this is based on facts and figures, and sometimes it is simply based on a hope that what they think will give them the best outcome emotionally, will also work financially.  By exploring different options and seeing how the practical realities would work the parties can examine whether an option is a realistic one or not.

The mediator can also help the parties find other experts that may assist with exploring options.  A pensions expert may be able to help the parties understand the different options with regard to their pensions and the advantages and disadvantages (and potential costs) of each option.  Alternatively if one person, or both people, is having a hard time letting go of the relationship (or something in particular for example the family home) then they can refer the couple (or one person) to a counsellor or family consultant to try to help them come to terms with that issue so that progress can be made.

Often participants come into mediation feeling confused and vulnerable and frightened about what will happen next.  By allowing them to explore and understand options they are empowered to be able to make informed choices about what happens next for them and their family.