You can watch a video I put together about this and/or read the blog below.

The first piece of important information is that parents are permitted to leave their homes to transport their child or children to the other parent’s house.  The government made something of a dog’s dinner of clarifying this situation so it’s important to note that this point may not be clear.  The only exception to this would be if there were symptoms of COVID-19 (i.e a high temperature or a dry cough) in one parent’s house when the child was there.  In which case the child would be part of that household self-isolating for 14 days and would not then be able to go to the other parent’s house.  If the child developed symptoms then they would need to self-isolate for 7 days, even if this took them over the original 14 days.

So potentially a parent may not see their child for 21 days if the child ended up self-isolating with the other parent.  This is tough.  Especially so for parents who share care of their children through the week so they never go more than a few days without seeing the child.

There are also difficult decisions to be made for those families whose households include a member who is in the vulnerable category.  This could be a parent with asthma or a lung condition (or other ongoing health condition) or a grandparent living in the same household who is over 70.  In these circumstances there may be difficult decisions to make about whether you continue to co-parent as usual during this difficult time.  Having a child moving between households could potentially pose an increased risk to a vulnerable person that needs to be considered.  There simply aren’t right or wrong answers in this situation and it’s important that you give thought to what is right for your family.  You may wish to give some thought to:

• If the vulnerable member of your household is an older or vulnerable relative is there another family member they can stay with at this time to prevent the increased risk being past to them of the child going between houses; or is it possible for them to be isolated within your household i.e having their own room and bathroom away from others?
• Is there an increased risk posed by the other parent’s household?  Are they a key worker continuing to go out to work and mix with others who are potentially carrying the virus?  Or are they staying at home and not going out and so of a lower risk?
• How might your child feel if they were not able to see the other parent for some time?  How do they cope with changes to their routine? For children diagnosed with ASD even small changed in their routines can have a big impact.
• Can you mitigate the difficulties for the child with the use of regular video chats by Facetime or what’s app or other such technology?  These technologies are also useful if a child ends up self-isolating with one parent and unable to see the other.  You can be really creative with these.  I am aware of clients using these for chats and discussions, home schooling and reading stories for quite long chunks of time.
• Can you re-jig your current routine to provide for time with each parent in a way that poses less of a risk to other members of each household?  This might include longer periods of time with each parent.
• Many mediators are carrying on helping those going through (or who have been through) a separation and so if you’re finding it hard to work out these challenging issues then consider using family mediation as a safe space to have difficult discussions.  Meetings would need to take place online but can be a useful way of exploring and understanding all the options and finding a mutually palatable way forward.

It’s important to remember that your situation is your situation and whilst it may cause you both some upset and anxiety the object is to find a way forward everyone can live with.  This situation won’t be forever and a solution is a temporary fix to a unique set of circumstances.  Don’t worry about what others are doing but focus on what will work for you.  Be creative and innovative in finding a solution to your particular challenges.  As long as it works for you no one will interfere with it.  Please get in touch if you feel you could do with some professional guidance and support.

We do also encounter clients who have hit rock bottom.  They arrive for a session and they are finding it hard to cope.  This can manifest itself as tears, as anger, as a stony wall of silence and an inability to process information or make decisions.  It can equally be a combination of all these things.  As a mediator it’s a difficult balance to strike.  Where someone is struggling you need to explore whether there is extra help they may need, you also need to know whether they are in the right frame of mind to be able to consider options and work through information.  You also know that for some they know they will not feel OK until they have come through the whole process.  Often being in ‘limbo’ and not knowing where you are going to live, and whether you will be able to make ends meet is in itself a contributor to feeling like there is no way out.  We also see people who simply do not know where to start in resolving matters.  You don’t know where you’re going to live because you don’t know how much money you will get so you can’t work out whether you will be able to make ends meet because you don’t know where you will live.  This circle goes round and round for people – often at 3 a.m.

Where mediation can help is finding that starting point in resolving things and helping people to work out a clear action plan as to what further information they need to properly sketch out different options.  Once they can sketch out different options and what they will look like and feel like, then they can both make an informed choice about which will be the best option.  You can also map out a timetable in mediation so that you have a much clearer idea of what will happen when.  Feeling like you are moving forward and making progress can be really significant in coming out of that rock bottom feeling.

Mediation can also be used to explore what further help may be needed to help people to feel better at that moment in time.  Sometimes it can be as simply as ensuring children spend more with the other parent so the parent who is struggling can have time to gather information, to see supportive friends and family, or to sleep and focus on their own well being.  Exploring whether some form of therapeutic assistance might be helpful is another avenue.  This can be short term help in the form of a family consultant to help with particular issues that are causing a problem.  For some people longer term counselling may help them to address issues that have arisen from the breakdown of the marriage.  Our emotions are funny things and the breakdown of a marriage can trigger all kinds of other fears, anxieties and worries that we have kept locked up for a long time.  We all need a little extra help with big things.  If you have no understanding of plumbing then you wouldn’t try to rip out and fit a new bathroom, so why would you not need someone to help you with emotions and anxieties that you feel overwhelmed by.

It’s also important that things move at a pace that works for everyone.  One person may feel frustrated by the slow pace but if they can be persuaded to allow the other person a little breathing space often things are resolved much more easily, amicably and cost effectively once that person is in a better frame of mind.  Again this can all be factored into a timetable which is created in mediation.

Most mediators hold a library of resources that they have come across over the years and LKW Family Mediation has a wealth of contacts and resources that they can pass on.  Simply explaining you need help and talking about it can help you to feel a bit better, and being able to access resources to understand and assist with your situation can greatly help.

I loved reading Louisa’s thoughts and advice in her blog post Are You Taking Responsibility? As a psychologist specialising in supporting children’s emotional security I could not agree more with Louisa and would like to contribute a few further thoughts to this conversation.

The decision to own the responsibility for your feelings, thoughts, communication and actions
is a hugely important step when it comes to protecting your children from the negative impact of the separation.

I’m not saying that it just happens overnight, that it is easy or that it has to be perfectly 100%.

I’m not here to wag my finger at you, instead I would love to talk about the opportunity that is right there, in front of you.

You might feel like your life was like a beautifully ordered necklace once and now the string holding it together has been broken and you are left with random, disconnected handful of beads.

You might be facing your deepest fears, crippling self doubt, the rage you did not know you were capable of before or… a dull numbness. You might be managing ok one minute and then a thought or an email sends you on a spin and it takes hours before you feel the solid ground under your feet again.

Within all that hurt and confusion, somehow you are managing to be there for your children. It’s not all plain sailing, but you are doing your best to carry on with what you did before and perhaps with what used to be your partner’s role.

It’s a steep learning curve.

That’s where owning the responsibility for how you are showing up (as much as you can manage) and embracing opportunities to nurture your relationship with your child (as much as you can face it today) can make all the difference.

Parenting might have felt like moving along the familiar tracks: you had your role, the practical tasks that were normally yours to do and the situations that you were the go to person for. There might have been areas of upbringing your child you were hardly involved in, like cooking their favourite pasta or taking them to football on Saturday mornings.

There is an upside to that unsettling state of not being able to rely on the old tracks any more: it offers an opportunity to take stock of your parenting and your relationship with your child.

Is it how you would love it to be?

Are you feeling comfortable in this relationship?

Do you feel like you can be… you?

Does it make sense to you?

Do you feel confident about your ability to meet your children’s needs?

Focusing on nurturing your relationship with your child might be the wisest use of your time and energy right now. You might discover the parts of each other you never knew were there. You might come up with an easier, more enjoyable and fulfilling way of relating with each other, now and in the years to come.

This could be the best outcome of your separation.

For parenting support contact Una to book your free consultation or join her Good Enough Parenting group on Facebook.