It can be difficult getting the balance right for your children when you separate.  Your natural instinct as a parent is to protect and shield them but they need to know what is going on and what changes are going to happen in their lives.  They also need to know that the separation is not their fault and that they are loved by both parents and that they are  free to have a relationship with both parents.  This is really important and it means that each parent doesn’t wince, or make a face when they mention their other parent and that they certainly don’t say negative things about the other parent.  Children are half of one parent and half of the other and attacking the other parent is likely to be seen as attacking or not valuing a large part of that child.  That means that in any conversations about what happens next it is important that there is no blame attached e.g “well we’ll have to move house because dad won’t give us enough money to stay here”, or “you’ll probably see me less because mum won’t let you come and stay with me in the week”.

It’s also important that children are able to raise any concerns they have with their parents without fear of causing an issue or upsetting one or both of their parents.  Creating a safe and supportive space where you can answer your children’s questions is important.  If you can do that together then even better!  Sometimes you may not be able to answer their questions because you don’t know what will happen yet but it’s OK to say that you don’t know yet but you will let them know as soon as you know more.  Sometimes having an outside person to talk to can be helpful for children so that they can talk about their feelings without feeling that they are hurting their parents.  This could be another family member or a friend (provided they are not taking sides or don’t have an axe to grind).  It can also assist if they can access professional help if they need it and especially so if you notice some changes in their behaviour or if they seem to be struggling with emotional or behavioural problems.  This could be a support service provided through their school, or a counselling service provided through the NHS (such as a practice counsellor or CAMHS) or privately.  Early intervention can often be crucial in preventing long term knock on effects.

We all know that parenting is tough and that no one has a manual – let alone a manual for separating from your child’s other parent.  You might get it wrong at first.  It’s hard to know what the best thing is and it’s even harder to make rational decisions when you are angry, scared and emotional.  The first step in addressing this is acknowledging that you may not have done the right thing to both your children and their other parent.  The second is to look at what is the better choice and what support you might need to follow that route.  There is a lot of information for separating parents on the Resolution website.  There is also information for parents on the CAFCASS website.  There is also a charity called Voices in the Middle whose aim is to help young people whose parents have separated.  LKW Family Mediation are proud to support this amazing charity and you can find their website here.

As part of the family mediation process your children can be consulted so that they have a voice in the process (but without decision making responsibility) which can be helpful in informing decisions you are making about them, and if you feel you have got stuck.  This child mediation process is called Child Inclusive Mediation.  If you’d like to know more about this then please get in touch with us on 01306 646690 or by emailing louisa@lkwfamilymediation.co.uk

The thing about using a family mediation service is that it encourages ownership of the issues in dispute.  Firstly, because you are talking to the other person directly.  You can’t hide behind letters from someone’s lawyers (how many times have we heard a conversation along the lines of “Well you sent me that awful letter and it really upset me” “oh well that was my solicitor who wrote that).  It also means that you have to find information and look at solutions yourself.  You can’t give the responsibility for investigating options and deciding what the best way forward is to someone else.  You can of course get advice and assistance from professionals to help you make the right decision but the process is structured to ensure you’re making decisions about your life with time and the best advice.  If you contrast this with resolving family disputes through the court process where a judge may make a decision about what happens next for you and your family, even though they only have limited information about you.  Alternatively, you could resolve matters at an earlier stage in the court proceedings meaning it is your decision but it may be an outcome that was sketched out at court and which you felt pressured to accept.  You are much more likely to be happy with an outcome if you have had input into it and had the space to decide if it is the right one for you.

We also feel the fact that both parties come together to talk about things helps to iron out communication problems.  It is so powerful in mediation to hear a separating couple talk about something that they have not spoken about and start to truly understand where each other are coming from and what they are trying to achieve.  Sometimes it is also powerful for each person to hear what the other person has been upset and hurt about as this can start the process of understanding how to avoid pushing each other’s buttons.  This is so important where there are children involved.  Firstly, because even if you really can’t stand the sight of each other there will be times when your children really need you to be able to be in the same room as each other: weddings, graduations, other family events, school plays etc.  It’s also important that you are able to talk to each other about your children so that you can talk about any issues that crop up.  If your child is struggling at school, or has some health issues, or gets involved in drugs how are you going to deal with these problems without being able to talk to each other?  The ability to communicate, and for your children, to see you communicating is also crucial in avoiding the mum v dad game.

We have honestly seen communication seeds planted and start to blossom in mediation and it is a wonderful thing and is one of the reasons we are so passionate about the work that we do.  One of the greatest compliments a family mediator can get is when a couple have a couple of sessions of mediation and are then able to go away and work out all the final details themselves because they are now able to talk.  Not only does this set them up for resolving any issue that crops up after the separation, it also usually means they are able to resolve all issues quickly and cost effectively.

Sometimes in mediation a couple separating are dealing with not having talked to each other about certain issues at all during the marriage and it can be difficult and emotional to unpick the important bits to give them the tools to move forward.  Generally the focus in mediation is about the future and the solution but that sometimes involves each person addressing things that have happened before so that they can unpick old habits and unhelpful patterns of communication.

The mediator also has the privilege of hearing both sides of the story and whilst people can get very hung up on whose version is the truth hearing both sides helps us to understand each person’s perspective.  Everyone’s view on things is informed by their own life experiences, personality and viewpoint so it is no wonder that separating couples can feel very differently about things that have happened.  Human memory is a subjective thing and there is a reason that when collecting witness statements the police will often get different versions and a differing descriptions of those involved.

So yes in conclusion we probably are biased but because we have seen what family mediation is able to do for people that use it.  For all the above reasons we can honestly say that we love our work and every day we see the difference family mediation can make to separating couples and to their children.  It helps them to work out what happens next in their own time and their own way and we think that’s a very powerful thing.