In the last few years voluntary regulation has come to mediation in the form of the Family Mediation Council (FMC) and Family Mediation Standards Board (FMSB). There are many, many positives to this as mediation is a vital service, and a craft, and it’s important that those that offer it are suitably qualified and that they devote time to their own professional development. It is a career and not something that should be ‘dabbled in’ – if I can put it in that way. None of the points I make next are me arguing against having professional standards in family mediation (or indeed any other form of mediation).

Currently there are 707 accredited mediators registered with the Family Mediation Council, a further 293 mediators are working towards their accreditation. That quite neatly means there are 1,000 mediators registered as working in England and Wales and subscribing to the voluntary regulation scheme. I’m aware that there are mediators working who are not registered with the FMC but I’ve concentrated on the numbers that are known to make this point. Those that are not registered with the FMC have made the choice not to submit to the voluntary regulation.

In 2015 there were 101,055 divorces amongst opposite sex couples (which was a decline of 9.1% from the previous year). There were 22 divorces of gay couples in 2015. This reflects the fact that marriages (and prior to that, and now along side that, civil partnerships) for gay couples have only been possible in England and Wales in recent years. That’s just shy of 101,100 marriage or civil partnership breakdowns. That doesn’t include relationship breakdowns where the couple (gay or straight) are not married. There are no statistics on how many relationships that were not marriages or civil partnerships broke down.

You may at this point notice quite a sizeable difference between the number of relationship breakdowns and the number of qualified mediators. Not every divorce will require a mediator. Some couples will work things out themselves without any need for intervention. For some couples there are no children and there are no assets and they simply go their separate ways without the need to discuss such things. They often handle the divorce paperwork themselves. There will also, sadly, always be cases where there are protection issues and adults and/or children need the protection of the court. Where one party (or both parties) are vulnerable then mediation may well not be an appropriate way forward. For everything in between these scenarios mediation may well be the best option. I would say that of course because I’m a mediator and I’m passionate about the benefits of mediation. But I do also believe in the right of clients to make informed choices and for that reason people may opt to use the collaborative process, or other such alternative way, for finding a resolution. What I think is essential is that all clients get information about all processes so that they can make an informed choice about how they can move forward. Failing to provide information takes away people’s choices and I feel strongly that that isn’t right. The government’s thinking behind introducing a requirement that all couples applying to the court attend a MIAMS (Mediation Information and Assessment meeting) to find out more about whether mediation might be for them, was to encourage, empower and educate people about their ability to make decisions themselves rather than having outcomes put upon them by the court system. That system is flawed by the fact that the requirement is not being properly enforced but I personally believe the initial premise remains a sound one.

Anyway, I am digressing onto something that could be a blog post (or frankly even a book) in itself. If, just for the sake of argument, you decided that 30% of divorces created issues that were suitable for mediation then that would be 30,330 cases requiring a mediator. This is only cases involving couples who were married or in a civil partnership. According to statistics released in 2014 there are around 3 million cohabiting gay and straight couples in the UK. It’s pretty much impossible to find out how many cohabiting couples separate because no statistics are collected because no one has to register anywhere to become a cohabiting couple. For the purposes of this article I don’t think it’s unreasonable to think that if 30% of separations of cohabiting couples are also suitable for mediation then the number of cases requiring a mediator might swell to around 35,000 a year. That would then equate to 35 cases per mediator. This is clearly an average and I’m viewing these cases as couples attending joint mediation meetings, rather than just as MIAMS. Couples averagely require between 3 and 5 joint meetings in mediation to resolve all issues. I would stress the word average as I have seen couples only require two sessions (or even 1 in a small number of cases) and some couples require 6. Some mediators work part time and some undertake mediation as part of other work as a lawyer or a counsellor and so may be carrying out less than this. As a mediator who purely does mediation work (along with supervising other mediators and some training work) I would suggest this is sufficient to make a reasonable living.

Importantly this is based on only 30% of divorces and separations using the services of a mediator. I believe that that is a conservative estimate and that that number could well increase quite considerably with education about options and greater awareness of mediation as an option (which is definitely on the increase). If you make your living from mediation because you love what you do then you are passionate about the benefits of it and believe it could be suitable to resolve issues in the majority of separations. Marketing yourself as a mediator is marketing mediation, as well as your own services. I know that some family practitioners disagree with the number of cases that may be suitable for mediation but I see what mediation helps to achieve; and the benefits for any children caught up in a parental separation are difficult to deny.

However, were the number of separating couples coming to mediation to increase substantially then 1,000 mediators covering England and Wales becomes far from sufficient. There is a limit to the number of cases a mediator can usefully assist with without burning themselves out and not performing at their best. So it has always followed in my head that if you are passionate about the benefits of mediation then you must also be passionate about training the next generation of mediators and helping them to develop. I know many mediators for whom this is absolutely the case. But I have also encountered the following situations:

1. Mediators charging to have mediators trying to gain experience sit in on meetings (which the clients were paying them for in any event).
2. Mediators who believe that there are sufficient mediators and that effectively we should try to stop others qualifying to preserve our own businesses. If you go to any event where there are a number of family mediators it will not escape your notice that a number of them are looking to require in the next 10 years. This is not me being personal, I have attended a number of events where straw polls have been taken on this point. So not only will we not have sufficient mediators if the volume of mediation work increases, but the existing trained and accredited mediators will also diminish in number.
3. Mediators who believe that new mediators are taking work away from existing mediators. My view is that the more mediators there are, the greater the noise about mediation is. This in turn means more people find out about mediation and use it. So the more mediators there are the more work they generate through their conversations and marketing. The work for family mediators is only finite in the sense of the number of couples separating.
4. The accreditation process is onerous and it is a real badge of honour to have completed it. When I submitted my portfolio under the old FMC accreditation system (which was slightly different to the current one but not massively) my portfolio was 128 pages. It is right that being an accredited mediator means something and that it represents a professional standard but for some mediators the difficulty of this is the difference between becoming a mediator and giving up. It’s not just about the sheer volume of the things you have to demonstrate, it is about obtaining the work that will enable you to demonstrate the skills you need to evidence. It is not for the faint hearted, or those that are not 100% committed to the idea. There are many that demonstrate their commitment and drive but are still struggling to get everything together. I have spoken to lots of these people. I mentor some of them as a PPC. It is not for want of trying or dedication to the cause. Many volunteer for free to get their mediation hours up. For many people working voluntarily for so many hours for so many months is simply not viable. Yet there are mediators who believe that if these people do not succeed then it is because they have not really tried. They were not made of the right stuff. Again I urge you to think about the effect on the future of mediation if some or all of the 297 people currently working towards their accreditation and registered with the FMC were to give up on mediation. Furthermore, what would this to do to others thinking about training or qualifying as mediators in the first place? Angela Lake-Carroll (an experienced mediator and one of the leading lights in developing our profession) talks about a view amongst some young would-be mediators that the older professionals have done a good job of sewing the profession up for themselves. They all got in and then drew up the ladder. For anyone who thinks this is acceptable ask yourself what mediation in this country will look like in 10 years. Or 20 years?

To my mind if you are passionate about mediation then it’s because you feel deep down in your soul that the work you do is something that makes a substantial difference to people’s lives at a difficult time. This may be seen as going over the top but I honestly believe mediation is one small way of making the world a slightly better place. It’s a calling of your soul to do this work and not simply a “turn up and see what happens and go home” type thing. I truly do understand the fear about ‘getting enough work’ as a mediator. It is my sole source of income (if you include ‘mediation related activities like mentoring and training) but we have to think about the world tomorrow and not just the world today. If you make every effort to keep work away from training mediators then that means there is bread on your table today but does it ensure that separating couples in the future can avoid conflict over their tables for years to come? If you feel as I do about mediation then you too must be concerned about the longevity of being able to offer the services that we do. It is not sufficient to say that we have mediation today, we need mediation today, tomorrow and forever.

What is the right way for you? That’s not an easy thing to identify. A number of clients coming in to mediation often say that they’ve not done this before and frankly why would you have. It’s a hugely significant and difficult life event so most people tend not to do this on a regular basis!

The first step is often getting some help from a professional. But which professional should you see? This is a complex question and essentially we would suggest that you have three options (but you can pick one, two, or all three):

1. Think about whether seeing a counsellor would be helpful for you. Divorce and separation are one of the most stressful life events and there is absolutely no shame in saying that you are not OK and you need some help. Sometimes the counselling can be a short term solution to a difficult time. Having someone there to exclusively listen to you can be an invaluable support whilst you come to terms with what has happened. Alternatively, where you feel that you have been affected by issues in the relationship you may wish to embark upon longer term counselling to help you address these and focus more positively on the future. One of the things that we always look at in mediation is whether people are ready to start exploring solutions and next steps. Sometimes more time is needed for one or both parties to enable them to feel that they are in the right place to make decisions about what happens next. This can be frustrating for the other person – especially if they feel ready to move on with their next chapter. But often giving that other person a bit more time means that things are resolved much more amicably and quickly (and therefore cost effectively) rather than trying to force the issue.

2. Making an initial appointment with a lawyer can help you to understand what the next steps might be and what the potential outcomes might look like. A lawyer can give you guidance on what it would be helpful to do and may suggest that you get together financial information and do practical tasks like that. They may not be able to give you comprehensive advice if you are not clear about your financial position. If your situation is particularly complex or there are specific issues then it can be very helpful to be clear about these. There is hardly ever only one outcome following a separation and being flexible about what a successful resolution looks like often makes it easier to compromise.

3. As an initial first step you can also see a mediator for an initial meeting. Mediators will not give you any advice about your situation but they are able to explain processes to you and to make you aware of the different processes that exist for resolving issues that crop up in a separation (a lawyer should explain these to you too). They can also outline steps that it might be helpful to take. In addition to this they can also help you to reflect on what’s happened and how the other person might be feeling, and what you might both want to achieve going forwards. Having an initial meeting is also the starting point to setting up mediation so that you and your partner can come together to talk about what next steps you should take – with the mediator’s help. If your partner is struggling to come to terms with the separation then it may be that they may need more time to feel able to have a meeting with the mediator, but by working at a pace that works for both of you, you increase the changes of finding an acceptable resolution together in mediation.

When you first separate you may also wish to give some thought to interim arrangements. You may not be in a position to immediately find a long term solution and so interim measures may be a helpful way of bridging the gap between being a couple and a final separation. It is not easy to continue to live in the same house as someone whom you’ve separated from and it’s important to bear in mind what the relationship between you is like at this stage. If there are many arguments then you need to consider what effect this will have on your children. For many people separating at this stage may be impossible. But it can be helpful if you can try to work out how you can each have time to yourselves so that you can turn off from the situation. It will help with your well being and make things easier to manage. Where a couple who have taken the decision to separate are sandwiched together in the same house without time to reflect, they end up almost permanently in ‘fight or flight’ mode. This is damaging to both parties as they have continued exposure to stress hormones, and they are unable to have periods of calm. It also means what was a situation where two people were not getting on, can turn into a situation where two people despise each other. Any children caught up in this situation can develop behavioural, emotional and even physical health problems so do be mindful of this.

When you see a professional always treat the initial meeting or contact as a chance to see whether you want to work with that person. Each professional should be able to suggest other professionals that might be able to help you based on your situation – for example if you have complex pensions then a financial adviser may well be able to assist. Or if you are really struggling with managing everything and or particularly with dealing with financial issues then a divorce coach can be a really helpful support.

Here at LKW Family Mediation we are always happy to signpost parties to services we think will help them even if they do not come to mediation with us. So please get in touch if there’s something you think we could help you with.

This fear can be compounded by not knowing what to expect.  Some people still equate mediation with some form of relationship therapy.  You can wonder how the mediator will get you to talk about all that needs to be resolved.

Sometimes you may want to say hurtful things because you feel very hurt yourself.  Often some things are easier said by solicitors because you can hide behind the letters that are sent as being from someone else and not you – even though they’re written saying what you want to say.

Talking things through face to face can seem like a mountain to climb.  How will you have the courage to say what you need to say?  You know that you need to safeguard yours and your children’s financial future but all discussions end in arguments?  How can you talk about financial matters when you have never handled anything to do with money? There may be 1001 questions racing through your head – often in the middle of the night.

The good news is that the mediator will be aware of how difficult you may find it.  Here at LKW Family Mediation we meet with all clients separately to begin with.  This enables us to check that mediation is suitable for you, and it also enables us to find out what your fears are and what has led you to this point.  The mediator will use this information to inform how they deal with the mediation process.  For example, if one person has never dealt with any of the money matters then the mediator will ensure that they understand each topic and the issues before moving on.  The mediator will also suggest that each party obtains the required legal and financial advice.  The mediator will, in short, ensure that the process is fair.

The mediator cannot find a resolution for you.  That’s your job.  But the mediator can provide lots of information and suggest options that you may not have thought about.  The mediator will also help you work through different options to find out which one will work best for you in practice.  In addition to this they will check how you are each feeling and ensure that breaks are taken if necessary.  The mediator may also check what support network you each feel you have and whether you have had, or may need, counselling.  This can help to support the process.  It’s important that you have a safe place to talk about what’s happening to you.  Counsellors can often be brought into the mediation process to help people deal with unresolved conflict.  This can then help the process to move forward.

By talking to each other directly you can move your discussions forward much faster than waiting for solicitors to write letters.  They can also be more honest as you speak for yourself.  It can also help parties to take responsibility for their dispute, and for finding their own resolution.  Often letters written about the “petitioner” and the “respondent” do not bring home the fact that this is a discussion about what happens next in your lives.  It can seem unreal, as if you are discussing another family.

If at any point you feel uncomfortable or particularly anxious, then talk to the mediator.  Mediation is a hugely flexible process, and the mediator may well be able to adjust it to help deal with a particular anxiety or fear.  Whilst it may seem overwhelmingly scary at first this tends to subside a little as you attend more sessions.  At the end the feeling that you have worked together to achieve a resolution that will benefit everyone makes working through that initial fear worthwhile.  Mediation makes ongoing dialogue about your children, and any financial matters, much more likely to be possible in the future.

In many respects mediation is a brave and bold option.  It may feel much safer to get lawyers to write the letters.  After all then it is possible to make accusations and say the more hurtful things, and then hide behind the fact that it was the lawyer’s pen.   Or perhaps going to court may seem a good option?  After all you’re never going to be able to find a compromise so you may as well save the months of waiting before making the application.  If a judge makes the decision then you don’t have to.  The judge can decide it all.  Then if the outcome is not good it is the judge’s fault, or the lawyer’s fault, or even the system’s fault.

Talking is hard because it means facing the one who has hurt you, who has upset the status quo.  It means you might have to face the conclusions that occupy your mind during the night when everyone else is asleep.  It means you might have to work more, shop in less nice places and make some hard decisions.  You might be faced with some realities that you don’t much like  – especially that really awful one about selling yours and your children’s home and moving somewhere else.

You may also find that the things that keep you awake at night, are keeping your husband or wife awake too.  You may find that they would like to find a solution that avoids those sacrifices if possible too.  When talking about what is best for your children you both know that Sam should continue with gymnastics and that Eddie will find the changes particularly hard.  You know your children best and so, hard as it is, maybe you are best placed to make decisions about what happens next in their lives, and yours.  The judge will never meet your children and will decide what happens for you based on figures on a balance sheet.  Surely you are better placed to make that call, with your knowledge of how your family works best, and what is really important?

The first session started horribly.  You were late because you wanted to spend as little time there as possible.  You could tell they were annoyed because they got there on time.  Well they would, wouldn’t they?  They get everywhere on time.  The session wasn’t quite as painful as you thought but your heart groaned at the thought of trying to find all those documents.  If only you’d got round to filing them like you said you would.  There just never seemed to be the time.   How long will it take to gather them together?  Ummmmmmm.  You hesitated.  You had no idea.  It felt like a mountain to climb.

But the mediator was kind and seemed to understand.  You got the stuff together (eventually) and going through the documents together helped them make much more sense than you thought it would.  Putting the key figures on the flip chart really helped, and then you got sent a summary afterwards.

There were moments when you didn’t feel you made much progress.  Sometimes you’d be talking about something and you thought you were agreeing.  But then something else came up and you realised that you weren’t agreeing at all.  There didn’t seem to be enough money either and that was a worry.

But then the mediator suggested something.  When you worked that through on the flip chart things started to look better.  You left that session with a slight spring in your step.  You even spoke to each other by your cars on the way out.  You arranged to go and watch a gymnastics competition together.  That felt good.  It felt like there might possibly be a future after all this, and one that was OK.  Not brilliant, but not truly awful either.

There were a few more ups and downs, but in the end you got there.  It wasn’t a perfect solution but it was one that would hopefully work.  You could do a few more hours, and there was never anything on Sky anyway.  It felt good to finally have it sorted.  You could get on with what happened next.  You still felt sad but you felt that this was fading.  It had cost less to sort it out than you thought and you were glad a judge hadn’t decided.  You had started talking a little again and you could see that you were both a bit more relaxed and so the kids had relaxed a bit more too.

This is a hypothetical story drawing on reports from clients as to how they felt throughout the mediation process.  It does not reflect any client’s actual story.