What is the right way for you? That’s not an easy thing to identify. A number of clients coming in to mediation often say that they’ve not done this before and frankly why would you have. It’s a hugely significant and difficult life event so most people tend not to do this on a regular basis!

The first step is often getting some help from a professional. But which professional should you see? This is a complex question and essentially we would suggest that you have three options (but you can pick one, two, or all three):

1. Think about whether seeing a counsellor would be helpful for you. Divorce and separation are one of the most stressful life events and there is absolutely no shame in saying that you are not OK and you need some help. Sometimes the counselling can be a short term solution to a difficult time. Having someone there to exclusively listen to you can be an invaluable support whilst you come to terms with what has happened. Alternatively, where you feel that you have been affected by issues in the relationship you may wish to embark upon longer term counselling to help you address these and focus more positively on the future. One of the things that we always look at in mediation is whether people are ready to start exploring solutions and next steps. Sometimes more time is needed for one or both parties to enable them to feel that they are in the right place to make decisions about what happens next. This can be frustrating for the other person – especially if they feel ready to move on with their next chapter. But often giving that other person a bit more time means that things are resolved much more amicably and quickly (and therefore cost effectively) rather than trying to force the issue.

2. Making an initial appointment with a lawyer can help you to understand what the next steps might be and what the potential outcomes might look like. A lawyer can give you guidance on what it would be helpful to do and may suggest that you get together financial information and do practical tasks like that. They may not be able to give you comprehensive advice if you are not clear about your financial position. If your situation is particularly complex or there are specific issues then it can be very helpful to be clear about these. There is hardly ever only one outcome following a separation and being flexible about what a successful resolution looks like often makes it easier to compromise.

3. As an initial first step you can also see a mediator for an initial meeting. Mediators will not give you any advice about your situation but they are able to explain processes to you and to make you aware of the different processes that exist for resolving issues that crop up in a separation (a lawyer should explain these to you too). They can also outline steps that it might be helpful to take. In addition to this they can also help you to reflect on what’s happened and how the other person might be feeling, and what you might both want to achieve going forwards. Having an initial meeting is also the starting point to setting up mediation so that you and your partner can come together to talk about what next steps you should take – with the mediator’s help. If your partner is struggling to come to terms with the separation then it may be that they may need more time to feel able to have a meeting with the mediator, but by working at a pace that works for both of you, you increase the changes of finding an acceptable resolution together in mediation.

When you first separate you may also wish to give some thought to interim arrangements. You may not be in a position to immediately find a long term solution and so interim measures may be a helpful way of bridging the gap between being a couple and a final separation. It is not easy to continue to live in the same house as someone whom you’ve separated from and it’s important to bear in mind what the relationship between you is like at this stage. If there are many arguments then you need to consider what effect this will have on your children. For many people separating at this stage may be impossible. But it can be helpful if you can try to work out how you can each have time to yourselves so that you can turn off from the situation. It will help with your well being and make things easier to manage. Where a couple who have taken the decision to separate are sandwiched together in the same house without time to reflect, they end up almost permanently in ‘fight or flight’ mode. This is damaging to both parties as they have continued exposure to stress hormones, and they are unable to have periods of calm. It also means what was a situation where two people were not getting on, can turn into a situation where two people despise each other. Any children caught up in this situation can develop behavioural, emotional and even physical health problems so do be mindful of this.

When you see a professional always treat the initial meeting or contact as a chance to see whether you want to work with that person. Each professional should be able to suggest other professionals that might be able to help you based on your situation – for example if you have complex pensions then a financial adviser may well be able to assist. Or if you are really struggling with managing everything and or particularly with dealing with financial issues then a divorce coach can be a really helpful support.

Here at LKW Family Mediation we are always happy to signpost parties to services we think will help them even if they do not come to mediation with us. So please get in touch if there’s something you think we could help you with.

A quick Google search throws up headlines about divorce costing upwards of £70,000, and various other reports about huge legal fees. Here at LKW Family Mediation we would urge everyone to give some thought to “how much do I want to spend on my legal fees?”. There really is no rule that says you have to spend a certain amount or that any amount is a ‘given’. If you both want to spend as little as possible on legal fees then hatch a plan to do just that. It means there will be more money left for both of you.

To offer a comparison between mediation and these epic court battles we keep reading about, mediation with us involves each party attending an initial meeting on their own, followed by an average of 3 to 5 joint 1.5 hour meetings. If you had 5 joint meetings the cost would be £2,000 in total for both of you (not each of you). You can even make it a bit cheaper by choosing one of our fixed price packages. Other mediators costs may be slightly less or slightly more, but will broadly be in line with that figure.

As part of the mediation process you may have a couple of meetings with a lawyer to get some advice. You may also instruct a lawyer to finalise the resolution you come up with together. For having three hours worth of legal advice and having a lawyer prepare a consent order you will pay something in the region of £1,700 to £2,000 each. You can choose to have more or less legal advice depending on what feels right for you. If you’re confident in what you’re discussing you may feel any legal advice is unnecessary.

We would also suggest that there are other costs of divorce beyond the financial. Parental separation is not in itself a cause of difficulties in children. The conflict between their parents is what causes emotional, behavioural and even physical health problems in children. So the more you can keep the temperature of your separation down the better off your children will be, and the better off you will each be financially. That sounds like a better scenario doesn’t it?

It is at this point that many people will be thinking words to the effect of “well I’d like to do that and keep the temperature down but the other party is so unreasonable”. There is an idea that in the same way it takes two to tango, it takes two to decide this divorce will not be a battle and there is an element of truth in that. However, we would suggest that very few people make a decision to be as difficult as possible when going through a divorce. Often a person perceived as being difficult is shouting something that is not being heard. They may be struggling to come to terms with the breakdown of the marriage, they may be deeply and hugely fearful for their future. Mediation can be hugely beneficial in helping each party hear what is going on for the other party. This alone can help to iron out difficulties in finding a way forward.

It may also be that both parties need some further assistance to move forward. Some counselling or therapy can be helpful. In other cases a family consultant can help a family stuck in conflict to move forward and find a different path. People can often be concerned about spending money on other experts and see a mounting bill of costs that will affect what they’re able to do in the future. We suggest looking at it a different way. If a huge court battle can cost you tens of thousands of pounds. Then spending a few hundred pounds on not having that battle represents a very big saving. That saving may also not just be a financial one but one that amounts to everybody involved’s well being.

Feeling overwhelmed can often mean that people lose touch with that gut instinct that can help you to determine what is the best way forward. It can feel a bit like being disorientated in the sea and not being sure which way the surface is. You know you need to breathe, but you’re not sure which direction will deliver that sweet relief of taking a huge lungful or air.

Breaking down decisions can often be helpful so that there is a step by step process involving smaller matters, in turn, rather than a huge multi-faceted decision being made in one go. A mediator will often break big issues into smaller parts and go through each part in turn to help parties move forward. They can help to identify what further information each person may need to help them make a decision about each step. Mediators can help parties look together at the advantages and disadvantages of a particular option, or all the options.

Sometimes parties want to look at options purely from their own perspective and so, outside of the mediation, taking advice from a lawyer about the pros and cons of different options for you personally can be helpful. A trained divorce coach can also help you to weigh up different options and feel confident about the way forward.

Taking some time out may also be fruitful. Practising different techniques for deep breathing, or meditation, can assist, or using a mindfulness tool that works for you. This can help you to re-connect with that inner gut feeling or instinct to help you clear the fog and decide on your next steps. It can also help you to ‘feel’ which of the different options is the right one for you, and your family. When the brain perceives that a person is under threat it will trigger the ‘flight or fight’ response. This floods the body with adrenaline and will mean that you start to breathe in shorter, shallower breaths. This can produce feelings of anxiety and panic. By steadying yourself with deep breaths and relaxation techniques it can help you to slow down this instinctive response and to consider matters more rationally again.

If you’re feeling really overwhelmed by everything that is happening and none of the above tips are helping, then it may be sensible to visit your GP and/or get in touch with a counsellor to seek out some additional help. Divorce is one of the single most stressful experiences a person can have in their lifetime. It is often compared to a bereavement because you go through similar emotions and because the healing process can take a long time. There is therefore no shame at all in needing extra assistance and support to help you through this difficult time.

The reality is that couples separate every day and each one will have their own tale to tell – and each person in the couple a slightly different story to the other. Our lives are busy with work, family, children and other commitments and it can be hard to make time for each other. This can cause a couple to stop communicating. There may be disagreements leading one person to withdraw and stop communicating for fear of simply setting off another chain of arguments. Sometimes both parties withdraw into their own separate lives.

Whatever the stresses and strains facing a couple the reality of relationship breakdowns are real for couples across the world, and across all walks of life. They are also real for their children. Children of parents who are very wealthy, or who travel a lot, or who have “celebrity” status are no more immune to the difficulties caused by their parents separating than any other child. All can find it an upsetting, lonely and confusing time.

The good news is that if parents handle their separation in a sensible and constructive way, carefully managing their communications with each other, and their children, they can minimise the negative effects for their children.

Mediation can be a great way to help parents resolve what will happen going forwards. This includes working out what time each child will spend with each of their parents. It can also include any decisions about where a child will live and go to school. Children can also have a say in the mediation process, if the parents feel that this would assist. Other experts can also be used alongside the mediation process to help parents tune in to what their children need. Sometimes when you are overwhelmed by what is happening to you, and the number of decisions you need to make, it can be difficult to tune in to other’s needs.

A couple who travel a lot, or work long hours can still use mediation. It’s a flexible process that can be ‘tweaked’ to make it work best for the couple involved – and their children.

Where a couple are considered to be high profile there can be a desire to see all the details splashed all over the newspapers as people joyfully gobble up all the details. Spare a thought for the children of the couple involved. They may also have the gory details thrown at them by friends, or by the internet, and it may be the last thing they want to hear. Children are children regardless of who their parents are and they have the same need to feel loved by both parents, to feel free to have a relationship with both parents; and to be listened to, and have their wishes and feelings heard.

This is the first time cameras have ever filmed family mediation sessions for television (to my knowledge) and it is a significant step forward in making people aware of family mediation as an option. The couples involved were very brave to allow themselves to be filmed and I personally am very grateful to them because without them family mediation would never have made it on to our screens.

I have spoken to a number of friends who have watched the documentary and who have no background in law or divorce, as I was interested to see what other people thought. From their reactions I have put together the following questions and answers which I thought may be helpful for those that have seen the programmes:

1. Are mediation sessions always characterised by shouting and people storming out?

No they aren’t. Some people sit and discuss things constructively without any shouting or leaving the room. It really depends on each couple’s situation. For some couples they may have always communicated in such a way during the relationship and so this continues post separation. In some cases, one or both of the parties may not have properly dealt with the breakdown of the relationship. This can play a huge factor in determining whether somebody is in the right place to have discussions about what happens next.

2. Does mediation work?

Resoundingly yes! If you paid attention to the “updates” at the end you can see that some people were able to find a resolution following on from the mediation sessions. Sometimes couples resolve everything in mediation and walk away with a document summarising what they have decided to do. Other couples start the work to find a resolution and to communicate better in mediation but then move to finally resolve all issues in a different process. There are now a number of ways of resolving disputes that arise when a couple separates and you are not constrained by staying in a process just because you have started there. As things move on a couple can find that they feel it would be more effective to try a different process and that’s absolutely fine. Mediation is hugely flexible and can be used to resolve all issues, to narrow some issues, or just to get the ball rolling with helping a couple start talking to each other again post separation.

3. Is mediation exactly like you saw in the clips?

Essentially the process of mediation is bringing two people together to talk about issues to help them find a resolution. Practice between mediators varies hugely and different mediators work in different ways. Some mediators use a flip chart and some use a lap top. Some mediators routinely separate parties that are having difficulties talking to each other and are getting upset, other mediators prefer parties to remain in the same room if at all possible so that they can still hear each other, as they believe this is very powerful. The most important thing is to find a mediator that you feel comfortable working with. If you want to find a mediator local to you then you can use this Link

The most important thing to remember is that if you have recently separated mediation can be a helpful way of helping you find a resolution that focuses on the needs of your children. It can be a quicker way of resolving matters and that, in turn, often makes it cheaper than using other processes. It also helps to improve communication, and that’s hugely important where a couple will need to keep talking to each other about their children moving forwards.

Mediation is only likely to be unsuitable in two scenarios:

1. Where there has been difficulties in the relationship which have led to one person struggling to be able to make their own decisions about what happens next. This may be as a result of violence in the relationship that has left one party living in fear and quite unable to even contemplate sitting in the same room as the other (or even be in the same building). There may be legal restrictions in place to prevent the parties from being near each other. It may be that there has been emotional or financial abuse and one person’s confidence and self-esteem has been eroded and they need support to understand what is happening and to make decisions about what happens next.

2. Where either party requires the protection of the court then this will also make mediation unsuitable. This might be a situation where abuse has taken place and it would now be unsafe for a child to spend time with that parent. Or it may be a case where one party is trying to hide assets in which case the other party may need to use the court’s powers to freeze or find assets.

In other scenarios mediation may be made more difficult by the following factors:

1. One or both parties is not interested in making changes to find a resolution for the future.
2. One or both parties are anxious about being in the same room together.
3. The relationship between the parties is very acrimonious and communication between them is either very difficult or non-existent.

None of these three scenarios make mediation unsuitable. They make mediation more unpalatable to those involved but that is a different matter. Particularly in the case of number 3 it may mean that although the parties are not keen to try mediation they are in need of the benefits that can be reaped through using the process.

If you are unsure whether mediation would be suitable in your situation then please get in touch with us so that we can talk you through the options that are available to you.

Top 10 tips for a constructive separation