This fear can be compounded by not knowing what to expect.  Some people still equate mediation with some form of relationship therapy.  You can wonder how the mediator will get you to talk about all that needs to be resolved.

Sometimes you may want to say hurtful things because you feel very hurt yourself.  Often some things are easier said by solicitors because you can hide behind the letters that are sent as being from someone else and not you – even though they’re written saying what you want to say.

Talking things through face to face can seem like a mountain to climb.  How will you have the courage to say what you need to say?  You know that you need to safeguard yours and your children’s financial future but all discussions end in arguments?  How can you talk about financial matters when you have never handled anything to do with money? There may be 1001 questions racing through your head – often in the middle of the night.

The good news is that the mediator will be aware of how difficult you may find it.  Here at LKW Family Mediation we meet with all clients separately to begin with.  This enables us to check that mediation is suitable for you, and it also enables us to find out what your fears are and what has led you to this point.  The mediator will use this information to inform how they deal with the mediation process.  For example, if one person has never dealt with any of the money matters then the mediator will ensure that they understand each topic and the issues before moving on.  The mediator will also suggest that each party obtains the required legal and financial advice.  The mediator will, in short, ensure that the process is fair.

The mediator cannot find a resolution for you.  That’s your job.  But the mediator can provide lots of information and suggest options that you may not have thought about.  The mediator will also help you work through different options to find out which one will work best for you in practice.  In addition to this they will check how you are each feeling and ensure that breaks are taken if necessary.  The mediator may also check what support network you each feel you have and whether you have had, or may need, counselling.  This can help to support the process.  It’s important that you have a safe place to talk about what’s happening to you.  Counsellors can often be brought into the mediation process to help people deal with unresolved conflict.  This can then help the process to move forward.

By talking to each other directly you can move your discussions forward much faster than waiting for solicitors to write letters.  They can also be more honest as you speak for yourself.  It can also help parties to take responsibility for their dispute, and for finding their own resolution.  Often letters written about the “petitioner” and the “respondent” do not bring home the fact that this is a discussion about what happens next in your lives.  It can seem unreal, as if you are discussing another family.

If at any point you feel uncomfortable or particularly anxious, then talk to the mediator.  Mediation is a hugely flexible process, and the mediator may well be able to adjust it to help deal with a particular anxiety or fear.  Whilst it may seem overwhelmingly scary at first this tends to subside a little as you attend more sessions.  At the end the feeling that you have worked together to achieve a resolution that will benefit everyone makes working through that initial fear worthwhile.  Mediation makes ongoing dialogue about your children, and any financial matters, much more likely to be possible in the future.

How often have you heard the phrase “my head says this but my heart says that”.  Or people talking about whether they make decisions with their head or their heart.  They usually mean that they are either an emotion or instinct led decision maker, or more about the facts and the analysis.  Sometimes people are a bit of both, or sometimes they make decisions differently depending on what the decision is about e.g making decisions about work on the basis of a factual analysis, whilst they make decisions about relationships on a more emotional or instinctive basis.  There is usually no right or wrong way to make decisions.

There can of course be decisions that panned out well, and decisions that turn out to not have served us well.  If a person finds themselves continually making poor decisions then they may need to revisit what led them to make those decisions.

In mediation you can find that one party makes decisions based on their instincts, whilst another prefers an analysis of all the facts.  The fact that decisions were made in different ways can be a source of tension with each person taking the view that the other’s decision making process was flawed.  This is where reality testing in mediation can be useful.

There is usually a preferred outcome for each party in mediation and the first options to consider are usually each person’s best options.  We then use the flip chart to work through the financial reality of each option.  For example, if one option is for party A to remain in the house then we look at what outgoings there will be and what income they receive.  Is their income sufficient to pay all the bills?  If not does party B have more income than they need and could they help out?  Alternatively, an option may be to sell the house and to buy a cheaper house.  Again they need to work through both parties’ outgoings and income to see if they can make ends meet.  They also need to factor in the costs of the move to see how those costs will be met.  All this can be done on the flip chart for both parties to see.

Sometimes one option may offer a clear financial advantage.  Sometimes both may be possible, in which case other factors may come into play such as which option would see the least upheaval for the children?  Or which option will enable both parties to take advantage of the most support from family and friends.  In some cases neither option will be possible – despite the decisions each party had made.  In that case the couple will need to look at more options to find one that will offer a solution.

It is this exploring of options, coupled with the reality checking, that enables couples to find their own tailor made resolution – regardless of the basis upon which they each make decisions.

If you think we can help you find your own tailor made resolution then please get in touch.