What is child inclusive mediation?

Where parents are using mediation (and potentially even if they are not) to talk about what happens next for them, and their child(ren), in light of their separation, it is possible (and often sensible) for their child(ren) to also talk to the mediator.  This enables the child to have a voice in what is going to happen next.  Too many children feel they weren’t spoken to in their parents’ separation – that no one spoke to them about changes that were going to happen, or sought their opinion on what they might like to happen.  If you look at the statistics on the picture below, 48% of children say their parents didn’t properly explain what would happen after the divorce.  Often children have things they’d like to say or discuss but can sometimes feel hesitant to discuss these with their parents.  They can see their parents are upset, stressed, angry or irritable and worry about upsetting the apple cart.  This can be because they love their parent and don’t want to cause them any further upset.  It can also be because they recognise that they might create a more difficult situation for themselves if they say something that might be unpalatable to one or both parents.  Having an impartial third party to talk to and air their views about the situation can be hugely cathartic for a child.  It can be empowering too to have a grown up listening intently to their views and suggestions.  Suddenly their opinion is important in all of this.

It’s important to be clear that this is not about getting children to choose which parent they live with – that would be a damaging and heart breaking responsibility that would be far too much.  This is about creating a safe space where children can air their views on the situation.  Maybe they’re worrying that they won’t have enough time with dad or mum?  It could be that they have heard stories from friends whose parents have separated and are worried that they won’t get to go to football on a Saturday, or they won’t have a birthday party any more, or that they will forever be packing a bag and forgetting their PE kit because it’s at the other parent’s house, and getting into trouble at school.  They may have creative ideas on how to improve their current situation that they’d like to share but no one has ever asked them what they think before.  They may not want to talk to a mediator but without asking them, you cannot know whether they would find it beneficial or not.  Affording them the opportunity to have this conversation can also prevent this being thrown back at you at a later date with an angry “you never asked me about how I felt, or gave me the chance to talk to anyone”.

Why would you use it?

There are many reasons to think about creating the chance for your child to talk to a mediator. Whilst this may produce a better outcome for you and for your child(ren), I think there are benefits that are not necessarily linked to the outcome.  These are to be found in the process.  Simply giving your child the opportunity.  It could be that they don’t want to talk to the mediator – who is after all a stranger.  But simply asking them if they want to could open up a conversation you have not had before.  A mediator will only meet with a child (or children) where BOTH parents AND the child are in agreement that this should happen.

Speaking to the mediator affords a child or children the chance to get things off their chest to someone who is not connected to the situation in any personal sense.  A mediator will only pass on to the parents what the child or children want them to.  So a child could come and talk to the mediator and it could be a cathartic experience to share things that have bothered them, that they don’t like and feel fed up with and for them this may be enough.  They may feel they don’t need their parents to know because it would upset them but they feel better for being able to tell someone.  This can be frustrating for parents to have invested in the process (emotionally as well as economically) and to find the mediator has no messages to pass on to them, but they may find that their child has found it beneficial and now seems happier.

Where there is information to pass on, this will be entirely from the child’s perspective.  How often as parents do we think we know how our child will deal with a situation, and have then been completely surprised when they react in a different way?  It’s often hard in a separation for parents to separate how their child feels about the situation, from how they feel.  They may have very strong feelings about how the other parent has behaved but to the child that person is still their mum or dad.  Parents tend to look at arrangements as apportioning time between parents but this is not often a child’s agenda.  This was highlighted by Professor Liz Trinder (Professor of socio-legal studies at Exeter University who has studied many separation related issues) in an article published in November, 2010.

How is it set up?

Preparation and clarity are crucial in making this process a success and so it’s important both parents understand the process before approaching a conversation with their child(ren).  Parents need to agree not to coach or influence their children, and not to ask them about it afterwards.  It’s also important to give some thought to raising it with your child(ren): will this be done by both of you?  Or will it be one parent that talks to them?  If your child wishes to take things forward then the mediator will contact them in an appropriate way to make arrangements.  A meeting is arranged with the child or children (and siblings can see the mediator together or separately – or both).  The mediator will be specially qualified and insured to see children and will be well equipped to put children at their ease and will use toys, drawing or other activities during the meeting to make the conversation less intense.  It is made clear to children that only what they want to be shared will be shared with their parents.  A mediator will use the children’s own words and will simply report these back to the parents.  They don’t add to the words, or interpret them for the parents.

Who can talk to the mediator?

It is usually the case that older children will be the ones who would talk to a mediator.  Children of around 10 and upwards may have sufficient maturity but each case needs to be considered for its own unique situation.  Maybe you have a 9 year old who is bursting to talk to someone?  Perhaps you have siblings where some are older but some are younger and the younger children are adamant that if their older siblings are talking to the mediator then they are too.  Talk to your mediator about this and see what they say.  If they are not qualified to see children then they may bring another mediator in to arrange this, or send you to a specially qualified mediator.

To end this blog I wanted to share some quotes from children so that their voices were heard in this blog.  These quotes come from the “What most children say” leaflet prepared by Kent Mediation Service:

“Try not to argue in front of us but tell us what is happening and why although we don’t want to hear any personal details, or be involved in whose fault you think it was”.

“We are mostly sad or angry that you can’t live together any more.  But we can cope and get on with our lives, so long as you do too.  If you don’t, we can’t.”

“We need to be close to both of you.  This means we like doing ordinary, everyday things with both of you – eating, playing, going to bed and getting up, going to school, watching TV……”

If you’d like to know more about Child Inclusive Mediation then have a look at the web page or contact us.

Photo Credit: ID 106340055 © Macrovector | Dreamstime.com

You can watch a video I put together about this and/or read the blog below.

The first piece of important information is that parents are permitted to leave their homes to transport their child or children to the other parent’s house.  The government made something of a dog’s dinner of clarifying this situation so it’s important to note that this point may not be clear.  The only exception to this would be if there were symptoms of COVID-19 (i.e a high temperature or a dry cough) in one parent’s house when the child was there.  In which case the child would be part of that household self-isolating for 14 days and would not then be able to go to the other parent’s house.  If the child developed symptoms then they would need to self-isolate for 7 days, even if this took them over the original 14 days.

So potentially a parent may not see their child for 21 days if the child ended up self-isolating with the other parent.  This is tough.  Especially so for parents who share care of their children through the week so they never go more than a few days without seeing the child.

There are also difficult decisions to be made for those families whose households include a member who is in the vulnerable category.  This could be a parent with asthma or a lung condition (or other ongoing health condition) or a grandparent living in the same household who is over 70.  In these circumstances there may be difficult decisions to make about whether you continue to co-parent as usual during this difficult time.  Having a child moving between households could potentially pose an increased risk to a vulnerable person that needs to be considered.  There simply aren’t right or wrong answers in this situation and it’s important that you give thought to what is right for your family.  You may wish to give some thought to:

• If the vulnerable member of your household is an older or vulnerable relative is there another family member they can stay with at this time to prevent the increased risk being past to them of the child going between houses; or is it possible for them to be isolated within your household i.e having their own room and bathroom away from others?
• Is there an increased risk posed by the other parent’s household?  Are they a key worker continuing to go out to work and mix with others who are potentially carrying the virus?  Or are they staying at home and not going out and so of a lower risk?
• How might your child feel if they were not able to see the other parent for some time?  How do they cope with changes to their routine? For children diagnosed with ASD even small changed in their routines can have a big impact.
• Can you mitigate the difficulties for the child with the use of regular video chats by Facetime or what’s app or other such technology?  These technologies are also useful if a child ends up self-isolating with one parent and unable to see the other.  You can be really creative with these.  I am aware of clients using these for chats and discussions, home schooling and reading stories for quite long chunks of time.
• Can you re-jig your current routine to provide for time with each parent in a way that poses less of a risk to other members of each household?  This might include longer periods of time with each parent.
• Many mediators are carrying on helping those going through (or who have been through) a separation and so if you’re finding it hard to work out these challenging issues then consider using family mediation as a safe space to have difficult discussions.  Meetings would need to take place online but can be a useful way of exploring and understanding all the options and finding a mutually palatable way forward.

It’s important to remember that your situation is your situation and whilst it may cause you both some upset and anxiety the object is to find a way forward everyone can live with.  This situation won’t be forever and a solution is a temporary fix to a unique set of circumstances.  Don’t worry about what others are doing but focus on what will work for you.  Be creative and innovative in finding a solution to your particular challenges.  As long as it works for you no one will interfere with it.  Please get in touch if you feel you could do with some professional guidance and support.

In looking at this blog we are thinking primarily about the following situations:

1.  Step parents – where a child’s parent and their step parent separate this can create issues relating to whether they will still have a relationship with their step parent and what that relationship will look like.  Step parents often play a very significant role in bringing up a child and it is now a common family scenario for a child to have two parents and two step parents.  The child or children may have a close bond with their step parent and there may therefore be questions around when a child will see each of their parents and when they also see their step parent.
2. LGBTQ+ – as social and legal changes are made the family set up for a child becomes ever more diverse.  A child may have two female parents or they may have a father who in a relationship with another man and a mother who is in a relationship with another woman.  This means that there are other people involved with their parents (as with the example of step parents above) who also play a role in their upbringing.
3. Grandparents – with life expectancy rates increasing, and medical and healthcare developments, active grandparents are increasingly playing a role in bringing up their grandchildren.  This can bring wonderful benefits to grandparents of regular time with their grandchildren and a close bond.  Being one step removed it is sometimes a grandparent that a child will confide in when their parents separate.  There are also benefits for parents in being able to return to work without childcare costs – or with reduced childcare costs; and being able to have some much needed down time.  Parental separation can mean that grandparents become excluded from time with their grandchildren as part of family disputes.

These are the main examples that we have considered in this blog but there may well be others we have not listed.

In these situations there are more people to be accommodated in the family mediation process and this can make it more complicated.  But family law mediation can still be used to resolve issues between all parties.  There are practical considerations in making sure the mediation room is comfortable and able to accommodate more parties (each scenario above will often mean there are four parties, or possibly more, in the room with the mediator).  Alternatively the meetings can take place online which may be helpful if all the parties are spread out geographically.  There also needs to be clear guidance on how the process will be managed.  If both parties decide to speak at the time same it can be difficult to manage where there are only two people in the process, this is considerably magnified when four or more people try to speak at the same time.

The mediation meeting can start off with the child or children’s biological parents in the room and then introduce the other parties but this may not be appropriate where the other parties feel they play an equal role.  In initial separate meetings the mediator will need to find out exactly what the issues are and what everyone’s expectations are regarding both a successful outcome, and with regard to what the process will be like an involve.  It is important that everyone starts with a clear understanding of what will happen and what can be achieved and what is on the agenda for discussion.

Practical considerations aside it can be a great way of moving on after a divorce or separation to have everyone hear each other’s point of view and to work through different options.  Sometimes it is the logistics that cause the difficulties rather than the principle of whether a child sees a particular person or not.  Everyone coming together with an experienced facilitator who specialises in family disputes can be beneficial in helping everyone to put a plan together to move forward.

If you have a complex family situation and aren’t sure how to move forward after a divorce or separation with resolving issues then please get in touch so we can talk about how the family mediation process might work.  You can call us on 01306 646690 or email us at louisa@lkwfamilymediation.co.uk.