I hope that you know that my passion is taking important concepts and talking about them in an easy to understand way.  But it’s also about giving you tangible steps that you can take forward.  It’s no good having ideas and thinking “I’d like to bring some of that into my life” if practically you have no idea how to move forward.  So here are 5 tips for you if you would like to use your separation as a springboard to personal growth.  If you don’t feel now is the right time then you can come back to them at a later date.  You can also decide to do one now and the rest later, or work things in whatever way feels right for you – because ultimately this whole series is really about you and your life, and supporting you to make the best of that – for you and your children.

1. Tip one is to follow people that inspire you and lift you up on social media.  If you see things on social media that are bringing you down then don’t bring them into your feed.  Put them on mute if you think unfollowing will cause issues (they won’t know).  If you think you might want to work with a professional in the future then follow people now to get tips and ideas, but also to get an idea of who the different professionals are so you can decide whether you think working with them might be right for you.  This might be coaches, therapists, healers or anybody who works in a field that you feel drawn to.
2. If you have an idea of something you feel drawn to (it might be something new you want to learn about, or a particular person or something you want to incorporate into your life) why not learn a bit more.  You might subscribe to a blog or a YouTube channel, or you might get a book to read.  Be aware that you might have days where you feel excited and joyful about what’s happening next and may be tempted to subscribe to MANY things or order MANY books, and then on days where it feels more challenging this might overwhelm you.  You know you, and so you do you.  If you think it would be better to start with one thing then do that.  If you think you can handle a few things at once then go for it.
3. If you’re feeling super inspired then GO BOLD!  Set yourself some goals for where you’d like to be in 12 months, 2 years or 10 years – whatever works for you.  Or go really bold and set goals for all of those time frames
4. If you do have a goal (and it might be big/small/close in time/far away) then ask yourself to think of 1 or 2 things that would make you more likely to achieve that goal.  What would best support you in achieving that aim?  If you’re not sure then turn it around and ask yourself what is most likely to stop you reaching that goal and then tackle that. If you can have support with things you’re finding tricky then you’re more likely to succeed in reaching your goal.
5. If all that feels a bit challenging today then try one of these: start a daily gratitude practise and write down 1 or 2 things that you feel grateful for every day (they might be very small to start with), write yourself some affirmations and stick them somewhere prominent or put a quote that lifts you up somewhere you will see it every day, or just start every day by closing your eyes in quiet thought or meditation for 10 minutes and write down thoughts that are coming up.  Commit to doing it for 14 days and see how you feel after that.  Sometimes it’s easier to commit to something if you initially make it time limited.

Since I started working with separating couples in 2001 I have seen so much of the grief that characterises this difficult part of life but I’ve also seen people rise up from this and really focus on what it is THEY want from their lives and start to make changes going forwards: better boundaries, more learning, healthier habits.  These can all be an important part of, and the foundation stones of, what unfolds for you in this next chapter.  Remember the mightiest oaks came from the smallest seeds.

If you’d like to be part of a supportive community during your separation then don’t forget our safe online space Soulful Separation Support where you can get support from others going through a separation, and professionals.  You can also sign up for our free fortnightly newsletter which tips on navigating the difficult road to separation, and how to keep things as peaceful as possible.

Louisa Whitney

LKW Family Mediation

At the end of each blog series I like to pull the threads together to give you some practical guidance on how to move forward.  In November there are 5 Mondays which means you get an extra blog this month so I can go even deeper on this topic which is fantastic.  In next week’s blog I will give you 5 key steps to take to help you move forward on your personal growth journey if this is calling you right now (or steps you can take when you feel like the time is right).  In this blog I wanted to talk a little bit about the challenges that can come up because I think it’s important you know there will be challenges and you can then be prepared.  This is important because having lit the spark of what life could be like towards the middle and the end of this chapter, that starts with your separation, there are days when that spark can feel more like smoke than fire and it doesn’t mean that you were wrong to start on this journey of personal growth, it just means that maybe something has knocked you off centre and it’s a bad day.  We all have them.

One of the things that I have seen a lot of on my personal journey of self-development and growth is that when you resolve to do something and set yourself a goal, or decide that you will do something differently going forward this has a habit of triggering resistance somewhere.  It might be in you (I’ve said I’m going to go for a promotion at work but something somewhere tells me I’m not good enough), or it might be in other people who suddenly sense that you are on the verge of growth and you can then encounter what look like big bumps in the road to achieving the goal or life you’ve realised that you want.  This could be things like:

• You decided you were going to go for a new job or promotion but a problem that keeps cropping up at work has suddenly reared its head in a big way.
• You’ve decided you’re not going to engage with your ex in arguments any more and then your ex does something that you feel you can’t ignore, and you’re being sucked back into an argument again
• You decide to focus on your health more but suddenly find there are obstacles to you doing the exercise or the time for yourself that you had planned

The challenges can be varied but hopefully you get the idea of how they seem like obstacles that immediately stand in the way of where you want to be.  The first important thing to recognise is that this is a part of the personal growth and self-development process.  This stuff comes up a lot and just recognising that it has come because you’ve made decisions about your future can be useful.  Otherwise the tendency is to see it as some sign that you’re not supposed to make the changes you are and that can keep you stuck, send you on a downward spiral, or make you give up on the whole thing.  It’s all too easy in the midst of such moments to think that this good stuff wasn’t meant for you anyway, or that you are not worthy of it, or good enough to achieve it (if you’ve been following this blog series then you will know that these thoughts would be good to catch and note in your journal or notebook).

For me this journey of personal growth and self-development is hugely tied up with self-care. In moments when I am not feeling great, or just feeling a bit off or irritable that’s when I need to take more care of myself.  Maybe that’s a walk, or it might be an early night, or heck it might be a very large piece of cake but it’s about nourishing myself.  This is important for two reasons:

1. It lets your self know (i.e the deep and inner part of you) that you are worthy of being taken care of and that is a huge message to be sending yourself when things get tough, and you’re not sure if you will be able to realise the goals and dreams you’ve set yourself.
2. It can help to draw a line under the challenge and help you gather yourself to move forward, rather than going down a deep spiral of “this won’t happen” or “I’m not good enough” or “who did I think I was with these fancy dreams”.

If you find that these tests are coming up again and again then it can be useful to try to come out of your own head.  If you have been going over lots of different thoughts and ruminating extensively on why these problems keep cropping up, then you’ve possibly tipped over into anxiety and washing machine head and your thought process is not helping you to find any answers.  It can help to do something physical because then you have to concentrate on that, and so you move your focus to your body, rather than your head.  And yes this can absolutely be a gentle walk or a yoga class and I am not suggesting you have to manage a 10km run in order to be able to go on a personal growth journey. Although who knows where this journey will take you!

It can also help to enlist help.  Having someone ask you the right questions to take questioning deeper, or for you to expand the focus beyond the same circle of rumination that you’ve been travelling for a while can be a great asset.  Have you ever had that experience where you overthink an issue and then when you talk it through with someone they suggest something, or ask you something, from an angle that you hadn’t considered that just changes your perception completely in an instant?  If you have you know how powerful it is.  So you could try:

• A coach – this might be a life coach or a divorce coach (if the issues are related to your separation) as they will be able to help you on this journey and to make sense of the washing machine cycle of thoughts going around in your head.
• If you feel you can’t afford coaching right now then you could choose a book by a coach you have seen whose work and approach resonates with you. This can be a way of accessing their help for only a small investment.  They often include exercises and questions to ask yourself that can help you to move forward towards your goals.
• Maybe you have a trusted friend or family member who is really good at helping in these situations and gives good insights and helps you to think about things differently?  They might be useful to have a coffee with to help you organise, and make better sense of, your thoughts.  A little word about friends and family though – please use people that help and make you feel good.  Those people that either run you down or tell you you won’t be able to do things are unlikely to help you on this journey.  Ditto people that always tell you you’re doing the right thing and back up what you’re saying (even when you have a sneaky doubt that you might be doing something in a way that isn’t working for you).

Hopefully this blog will give you a head start on navigating challenges that come up and mean that you expect them rather than being knocked for six by them.  You’ll already have some ideas on how to either miss the bumps or deal with them in your stride.  Next week I will share my top 5 tips for starting on your personal growth journey because if you’re ready to think about your future there’s no time to get started like the present.

If you’d like to get more of the tips and guidance offered in the blog directly into your inbox then why not sign up to our free mailing list?  You can also join Soulful Separation Support which is a free online community for those going through a separation, where you can get support from others in the same situation as well as professionals working with couples and individuals going through a separation.

Louisa Whitney

LKW Family Mediation

If you’ve looked at those blogs and you’re now reading this third blog then that may be because you’re interested.  Maybe you’ve felt that pull somewhere in your body that there could be a life beyond your separation, and it could be a good one?  Perhaps you’ve even embraced the idea that things are going to change for you going forward and you’re starting to think about what that might look like – maybe you even have some ideas?  But you might find yourself getting stuck.  You have ideas, you can feel that there are things that speak to you that you would like to include in your future but you’re not sure how to access them, or to make them a reality?

This blog takes a more practical approach to looking at your personal growth and self-development.  If you now have some ideas about what you would like to bring into your life then we can look at how that might happen.  For me personal growth is very simply summed up by focusing on what you really want out of your life, and letting go of the things you don’t want in your life.  So simple, right? Not!  It is something that is easy to type but harder to do.  Sometimes you can have a clear vision of where you want to go but you find yourself being pulled back, or obstacles are put in your way and you wonder really whether you will ever be able to get where you want to be.  Below I break the process I’ve just described down into steps and talk about each step so you can get some practical strategies on how to help yourself move forward on your personal growth journey.

Realising the vision

Sometimes there’s a tendency to see new dreams or ideas as you changing your mind.  It’s not unknown for others to pass judgement on your new ideas as fanciful or unobtainable.  Or perhaps others around you simply see you as someone who changes their mind a lot about what you want.  The fact is thought that we go through different periods of growth and expansion through our lives.  They are not always focused on work – they might be on starting a relationship, on having children, or on developing more nurturing personal habits (e.g doing more exercise, or getting more sleep).  It’s quite common for your goals in your 20s to be different from those in your 40s and beyond.

Sometimes there can simply be feelings of things not being quite right.  Maybe you can’t remember the last time you felt truly happy, or you just find yourself feeling irritable a lot of the time, or resentful.  These feelings can be a factor in a relationship breakdown but they can also be signs that what is going on in your life is not right for you now and there are changes you need to make.  These might be related to your relationship, your work, people around you or just how you feel about yourself.  Maybe you know something isn’t right but you’re not sure what needs changing?

Sitting in stillness, or walking or exercising outdoors can enable you to find the space in your mind to really look at what it is that works for you in your life right now, and what it is that is causing feelings of dissatisfaction.  Honing in on this and understand what you want in your life and what you don’t, and what ambitions you have is the first step in personal growth.  It can be scary sometimes – realising your relationship doesn’t fulfil you and contemplating that you might go it alone as a single person is a huge step.  It can also feel like a mountain to climb if you realise that an alternative career is calling you and you will have to not only study for this, but also work out how to make ends meet whilst you’re studying with no income.  That’s where a plan comes in.  At this stage just try to tap into what it is you really want without dismissing things as too hard, or impossible, or telling yourself that you would never be able to do that (because you might be able to!).  You can use the techniques set out in the second blog to help you if you’re struggling to focus on what your vision for the future is.

Making a plan

Once you know where you want to go you can then look at making a plan on how to get there.  This might be a 6 month plan, or a 10 year plan.  Don’t think you have to achieve it all immediately – or that that plan has to stay as it is.  Maybe you will plan to achieve something in 10 years and end up achieving it in 7 years.  It’s really about shifting your mindset to accept that this is going to happen for you, you just have to know when.  Part of making a plan is the practicalities and that starts with getting information together (a bit like resolving financial issues when you separate).  What is it you want as part of your new life?  What does that look like, feel like, sound like?  Be as specific as you can because that will help you check whether you’re on track as different challenges come up.  If you know what your plan feels like then you can tap into that feeling when you come to different paths in your journey.  It will help you decide on which is the right option for you.  If it’s a new career or a new job that you want then you can start with researching what this looks like.  Look at adverts for these positions – where are they based?  What qualifications do they need?  Are there other changes you need to introduce in your life to enable this to be a possibility? For example, might you need to work out additional childcare, or if you don’t drive perhaps you need to be able to drive for this role.  Getting as much information as possible enables you to properly map out your path from where you are now to where you want to be.

It can also help to break things down into manageable steps.  For example, if you feel your children are too young to be left in additional childcare you can have a plan for when you think this might be possible.  Perhaps you will aim to start part time in your new role?  Or perhaps you will work part time and study part time?  If you want to start exercising but feel that doing something three times a week is too much can you start with once a week and then look at when you will build up to twice a week and so forth?

What additional support might you need to help you with this?  Do you need some expert guidance in which case how will you pay for this and where will you find it?  How will you save up so you can then access this?  Will you take on some additional flexible work to enable you to boost your income to make this possible more quickly?  Do you need help with childcare or other assistance (maybe you have a friend or family member that could help you with guidance on your new plans) – in which case who can you ask for this?  We can often feel uncomfortable asking for help.  For some people it’s a muscle that doesn’t get used a lot and so it feels weak.  How would you feel if someone asked you for help?  If you’d be willing to help someone else then why wouldn’t someone else be willing to help you?

Letting go of things holding you back

This is a big part of moving forward with your plans.  We all have things that hold us back.  Often it’s a limiting belief that you’re not capable of doing something, or that you’re not worthy of achieving all you want.  Sometimes these beliefs aren’t even immediately yours – they can be stories we get told when we’re growing up, or by the media or others around us.  Have you ever heard people say you can’t have it all?  You can’t have a great home and family life and a job you enjoy?  You can’t have love and wealth?  Why not?  Who makes these rules?  The time has come for you to decide your own path and not for others to hold you back.   This sounds easy but it can be really challenging.  It’s hard to throw off beliefs that you may have held since you were very little.  Sometimes we’re not even aware that we have these beliefs, and that’s why it’s tricky to get rid of them – if you don’t even know they are there.

Tapping into them is therefore really important – as is learning how to get rid of them.  Tapping into them can be an exercise in noting when you feel something in response to something that’s said, or that you see.  Maybe you heard about a job opportunity and you felt excited for a split second and then that turned to fear and you told yourself it couldn’t be for you?  Or maybe someone told you you could do it and you bit their head off and got quite cross?  That sounds like a button being pressed right there.  Noticing when you feel a sudden reaction to something is important because it tells you something about yourself – sudden surges of excitement, sudden fears, sudden acceleration to very cross, or even a sudden urge to run away and hide, or a sudden change in how you feel such as excitement to fear, or fear to anger are all signs that something is being triggered within you and it can help to tap into that.  Incidentally you may find this blog about triggers helpful.  It can be hard to get to the root of the trigger sometimes, but by noticing what happens and making a note of it (so you don’t forget) it can help you to unpick what’s happening.  Sometimes it can take picking off a few layers to get to the root of the trigger.  There can be a real “oh” moment when you realise what is behind it.  There can be a bit of a frustration and disappointment too if you realise these are issues you’ve been dealing with a lot – but remember a lot of this stuff is layered.  You may peel off one layer only to find another lay that presents itself a little differently, even though it is really about the same thing.

There are different ways of getting rid of limiting beliefs and triggers.  Sometimes simply by realising the root of it, it enables you make more conscious choices going forward.  Some people favour writing affirmations and repeating these e.g I can’t do this becomes I know that I can do this, or I am excited about……... You should always write affirmations in the present tense so it is as if the thing you’re focusing on is already in your life.

Other people need help from a qualified professional like a therapist or a coach to help them unpick these beliefs and reprogram their subconscious so it’s properly on board with the future you’re focusing on.  Most of our daily thoughts (and it may surprise you to know that we have thousands of thoughts in a day) come from our subconscious i.e not our conscious mind.  This means that the programming we have about ourselves from childhood, other events and particularly traumas, guides our thinking about a lot of things.  We can have spent hours, days or weeks thinking about how we’re not good enough to do something before we then consciously decide that perhaps our dreams are too big without having noticed the other thought program that’s been running.

Coaching has helped me enormously over the last 7 years and I’m a huge fan of using a professional to help you dig deeper into what’s really going on in your mind and having someone outside your head to help you unpick things.  Many coaches have fantastic tools they’ve developed that are enormously helpful.  There are also specialist divorce coaches too.  Get in touch if you’d like details.  Keep an eye out for our next blog coming next week pulling these threads together and suggesting some next steps if this is a journey you feel you’re ready for.

If you’d like to get more of the tips and guidance offered in the blog directly into your inbox then why not sign up to our free mailing list?  You can also join Soulful Separation Support which is a free online community for those going through a separation, where you can get support from others in the same situation as well as professionals working with couples and individuals going through a separation.

Louisa Whitney

LKW Family Mediation