Christmas can be a challenging time for separated parents.

So here is my take on things.

• Try thinking about arrangements well in advance.  I hear you – that’s all well and good, Emma, but with Government restrictions changing all the time, is this possible?  This year has been harder than normal and being flexible has probably been the name of the game, but that doesn’t mean next year has to be.  Try to avoid thinking about what might happen and have those tricky conversations with the other parent so you can deal with any issues head on.  The children will ultimately benefit when they know, as much as it’s possible anyway, that they are going to spend time with you both and neither of you are going to be left out.  Over this Christmas period, either make a mental note or jot something down about what arrangements worked for the kids and what didn’t.  Then, when the dust has settled, and well in advance of next year’s festivities, start to discuss with the other parent how you feel things would be best for the kids next Christmas.  Having those discussions early could be the key to a less pressurised situation.
• So, things this year might be different.  But different can be good too.  Start some new traditions with the children and take the pressure of yourself to keep everything the same.   If the children are not with you this year, make sure you have a proper celebration with them – they will enjoy having two special days, but also do something for you.  Be with friends or family or do something that makes you happy.  Or spend time alone.  With many people having managed a whole host of extra things this year (including home schooling) maybe you could do with a bit of time alone to recharge and think about how thing have been for you.
• Taking time to reflect is important.  It’s common to feel hopeful and make resolutions going into the new year and 2021 cannot come soon enough for many.  If you can, take some time for yourself over the holidays to reflect on what you have achieved in the last year and the challenges you and your family have faced.  If you want things to be different, focus on how you can get there and the positive steps you can take.

Despite my initial worry, I have really enjoyed writing this series of blogs and, if you have stuck with me and read them all, I thank you.  The only thing left to say – and no-one says it better than my fellow countryman Shakin’ Stevens in possibly the best and cheesiest (I did warn you!) Christmas song ever – “Merry Christmas Everyone”.

Emma Ingham

FMCT

The end is in sight.  The end of 2020, that is.  And thank goodness for that.  This time last year few of us could have predicted what was coming our way and how all of our lives would change so dramatically.  Not being able to go to work, not being able to see our family, our kids not going to school. Life was just unrecognisable and for those who lost loved ones to Covid-19, things would never be the same again.   As we come out of another period of lockdown, I just wanted to take a moment to reflect on how my professional life as a mediator has changed this year.

Family mediators were faced with a whole range of new challenges in 2020.  They had to adapt their way of working very quickly, while supporting their clients with issues no-one had really faced before.   Issues such as parents having very different views on the seriousness of the pandemic and whether their child or children should be going out in public, arrangements for a child to spend time with the parent who they didn’t live with being hindered or stopped and for many, the pressure of living with a partner 24/7 when the relationship was already difficult being too much and the relationship ending. Then no-one being able to move out.  Really difficult situations and often no right answers!

What was also clear was the challenges that 2020 brought put people’s lives and relationships into perspective and propelled action.  Change, whatever form it took, needed to happen for many people. This could mean the end of a relationship or it could mean that people valued the relationships they had even more.  They wanted a better relationship with their children, wanted to spend more time with them.  A result of people wanting change meant a lot of family mediators became even busier.

But with the government advising that those who could work from home, should work from home, family mediators quickly had to adapt.  Face-to-face meetings were just not possible and online mediation sessions were the only alternative for those wishing to proceed.  Although lots of family mediators had offered online mediation before, many had not.  Me included.  The take-up of Zoom and other video conferencing forums increased rapidly and webinars and tutorials were endured.  I even admit to roping family members across the country to help me while I worked out how to set up a Waiting Room or a Break Out room.  But the work paid off and, in my opinion, online mediation has been a positive development to family mediation at this incredibly difficult time.  Apart from the fact that it has allowed family mediation meetings to actually take place during lockdown, online mediation also allows clients more flexibility when setting up meetings around their busy home and work schedules.  It also means that they are at home, where they feel safe and secure and therefore possibly feel more comfortable to discuss difficult issues.  It also provides an element of separation from the other person for those who find it too intense or difficult to be in the same room with.  Online mediation will not be right for everyone and face-to-face meetings will always have a place, but now there is another way of working for clients to consider.

We will all be glad to see the end of 2020 and while the pressure, difficulties and pain that this year has brought us are undeniable, when I look back at my professional life, I feel proud.  I feel proud of myself and of my fellow mediators in the way we have changed the way we work, as I truly believe the work we do makes a difference, in whatever form it takes.

Emma Ingham

FMCT

It always makes me wince a little bit when I hear an angry soap character say the words “you will be hearing from my solicitor”. It certainly adds to the drama (and anyone who knows me knows that I love a bit of drama on the telly) but I worry that ordinary people, those of us who don’t live in Albert Square or such like, will think that taking advice from a solicitor is a negative thing or means that you want to have a long and drawn-out battle.  It doesn’t.  Taking legal advice is always a good idea and solicitors and mediators, while having very different roles within family law, can work in parallel to support their clients with their difficulties and moving them forwards.

I am a member of the College of Mediators and as such I need to follow their Code of Conduct.  Paragraph 4.4.4 of the Code states that “mediators must make it clear to participants the difference between their role as mediator and any other professional role in which they may act”.  This is why mediators will spend quite a bit of time during the MIAM (Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting) explaining to their new clients that they cannot and will not give legal advice, they will not be telling them what to do and will always remind them that they should seek independent legal advice throughout the process.

If an agreement is reached, mediators will prepare a Child Arrangements Plan or a Memorandum of Understanding, detailing the terms of the agreement.  The clients will then take that agreement to their solicitors to get advice on the implications of the agreement or have it turned into a legal binding document.  That is exactly as it should be.  It is not appropriate for the mediator to be involved in drafting legally binding documentation.  But I think it is important for clients to speak with their solicitors and take advice if necessary, throughout the whole process.  In my experience, mediation sessions are much more successful and productive when the clients are discussing issues with one another, confident that they know their individual legal position and where they stand.  If the client and their solicitor keep in regular contact in between mediation sessions and the client is fully advised, this can avoid any unfortunate scenarios whereby an agreement is reached that the solicitor does not believe to be in the client’s best interests.  If the clients have made progress in their discussions and their communication has improved, going back on an agreement could then do untold damage.

An option to consider, if clients wish to have the support and advice of their solicitors during the mediation session itself, is Hybrid mediation.  This is based on the “caucus model” whereby the solicitors have a more active role in discussions.  The mediator will meet with both parties and their solicitors as a group before they split into two separate groups.  Each group will then discuss the issues together, with the mediator moving between them, supporting them in order to reach an agreement.  The benefit to the client here is that it is a quicker process as the solicitor is on hand to give legal advice on any terms being proposed and the legal implications of such.

Consulting or instructing a solicitor is of course a personal choice and one that should not be forced upon anyone.  However, neither should it be seen as a provocative act or an “act of war”.  It is the mediator’s role to ensure that everyone is fully informed about the legal process, but it is the solicitor’s role to ensure that their client’s legal interests are fully protected. And it is as simple as that.  Let’s leave the drama where it belongs.  On the telly.

Emma Ingham FMCT

Well, I might as well say from the off.  This is a first for me.  I’ve never written a blog before.  When Louisa asked me to write a four-part series for LKW Family Mediation this December, I felt slightly panicked.  OK, a lot panicked, but excited too.  I’ve faced quite a few challenges in the last 12 months or so.  Every single one has been worth the worry.  So here goes.

The first thing to say is that I am absolutely thrilled to be joining Louisa at LKW Family Mediation.  Like you most probably, I have been reading Louisa’s brilliant blogs for a long time and they are an invaluable source of information and practical tips.  I love the positive and holistic approach that Louisa takes to family mediation and I’m excited to work with her and learn more along the way.

If you will indulge me, I thought I could tell you a little bit about me.  I came to family mediation from a legal background.  I did my law degree at Swansea University, a Master’s degree in Child Law at Keele University and my Legal Practice Course in Cardiff.  Yes, that is five years of study and no-one was happier than my parents when I got an actual job.  I trained and qualified as a lawyer in Cardiff and had many happy years there.  When my husband got offered a job in Surrey, I took the opportunity to have a career break and stay at home for a few years with my two daughters.

Now, I am not a natural stay-at-home mum but I loved being around for the girls when they were little.  I did, however, miss my job.  I started to realise how much when one of my very dear friends separated from her husband.  Me and a few other close friends became her support network and my role was to provide jargon-free, easy-to-understand legal information – along with providing copious amounts of coffee and cake, naturally.  A few months later, my friend said to me – “why are you not doing this anymore?  You need to go back to it”.  She was right.

But when I started thinking about going back to work as a lawyer, something was holding me back.  It’s true, the hours were long and the workload and pressure was tough but I loved my work.  I loved working with my clients.  Getting to know them and their families, supporting them through a really difficult time and seeing them move on was so rewarding.  But I did not want to go back to the stress and the strains that the court process puts on my clients and myself.  Don’t get me wrong – there are situations where it is absolutely necessary for a Judge to decide what to do.  I just wasn’t sure I could do it all again.  When supporting my friend through her divorce, I realised that, while my knowledge of the law and the legal process was invaluable, what I really missed was talking to people about their situations and helping them get through it.  My friend had used a Family Mediator to help with her situation and I realised that this was the way forward for me too.

I absolutely loved the family mediation training.  From the very first day of the course, I felt like the old me again.  Oh, it is difficult in the beginning.  As a lawyer, I was used to taking a problem from my client, seeing the solution and doing my best to get the best outcome for them – whether it be through negotiation or at court. That’s not what family mediation is about.  I had to stop seeing the solution.  It was my job to help my clients find the solution for themselves.  It took me a while, but now that is the aspect of mediation I love the most.

By far, being a family mediator is the most professionally rewarding work I have ever done.  If I can play some part in helping my clients gain a better understanding of how the other person sees a certain situation, it is the best feeling.  I also love seeing the ways that communication between clients can change positively over the course of a few sessions.  One of the best comments I have ever had from a client after a session was “thank you for helping us talk to one another”.  Simple, but it makes all the difference. 

In this series of blogs, I am going to be giving you my take on the different roles of solicitors and mediators and how they can work together, what I think about the challenges 2020 brought for everyone and in particular to family mediation and finally focusing on the Christmas and new year period.

So, the only other thing to say is thank you.  Thank you for reading my first-ever blog.  The panic was definitely worth it.

Emma Ingham

FMCT