In a new series of blogs we’re going to be looking at making that decision to separate and breaking it down.  In this first blog we’ll be looking at the decision itself and things you might do before you make the decision to separate.  This can be helpful if you’re not sure whether it is the end of the relationship or not.  Sometimes people want to know if they’ve exhausted all the avenues.

We’ll then be looking at how to communicate your decision to both your partner, and later on your children.  We’ll also be looking at the first steps to take once the decision has been made.

In this first blog we will look at making the decision and deciding whether it really is the end.  If you’ve felt unhappy for sometime then it can help to pinpoint exactly what it is that makes you unhappy.  Often there can be a mass of things that are causing you to feel unhappy or unfulfilled and pinpointing the reasons can help you understand whether it’s purely difficulties in your relationship that are making you feel this way.  Perhaps you have felt unsupported for some time?  Or maybe there are things you would like to do that you don’t feel able to because of your current situation?  Maybe you and your partner are simply leading separate lives and you feel there is no common ground or shared interests for you both any more?  Perhaps you feel completely disconnected from each other?

Once you have given some thought to the root causes of your unhappiness or discontent then consider the following:

• Have you properly communicated how you feel to your partner?  You might think you’ve had conversations but so often clients in mediation tell us that they tried to talk to their partner but the other partner didn’t take it seriously and just thought it was a minor blip due to life events, or it being winter, or for some other reason.  By the time the other partner realises their partner is really unhappy and takes steps to address this a decision has been made that separation is now the only option.  Be as clear as you can about how unhappy you are, what the reasons are for this, and what you think would improve the situation?
• It can help to be clear with each other about what steps are needed and the timescale that you will allow a period to improve things.  Saying you need more support with day to day chores and agreeing your partner will hoover every Saturday, wash up every other day and do two school drops and that you will commit to this for 3 months and see how things are gives you both a clear framework.  Perhaps your partner has things they would like you to do to make them feel happier?  These may be more abstract ideas such as listening more, or showing your affection.
• If you feel that things are really bad and you’re struggling to resolve things yourselves then why not consider seeing a counsellor who specialises in relationships?  They will be able to help you unpick what’s going wrong and take steps to change things.  If you both still want to make things work then getting professional help can be the assistance you both need.  It can be tricky to ask people for recommendations but if you know a friend has used someone good then ask.  Alternatively please feel free to get in touch with us has we hold details of relationship counsellors who may be able to help you.
• Make time for your relationship!  If you feel like you’re always working or busy with children then make a date to spend time with each other away from the other pressures.  Put your phones away and talk to each other or just hang out together and try to reconnect.

If you do decide to make the decision to separate then you can get free resources to help you manage this process as constructively and peacefully as possible into your inbox every fortnight via our free mailing list.  We also have a free online group where you can get support from others going through a separation, and from professionals like us.

• My ex won’t come to mediation
• My ex won’t co-operate
• My ex isn’t listening to me
• I don’t think he/she/they will………
• We don’t communicate
• We can’t communicate

Is that you?

From a mediator’s perspective there can be a multitude of reasons for this and many of them are not permanent but temporary issues.  Since it’s something that crops up a lot it seemed to be helpful to write a blog about this and to go over some of the reasons for this.

The grieving and recovery process

If you are a follower of this blog then you might be familiar with this already.  There is a specific blog all about this.  For those not familiar with this issue the graphic below may be helpful.  It sets out a visual representation of the healing or recovery process and the emotions that those travelling it will go through.  The top line tends to be followed where somebody met someone else, but someone (in my experience) can follow this line where they feel guilt about ending the relationship even if they are not in a new relationship.  The bottom line is followed where the person hasn’t formed a new relationship.  But separation is not one size fits all so people don’t always follow it exactly: they may yo yo between lines, or they may take two steps forward and one back, or even skip an emotion.  You can download your own copy of this by clicking on the link below.

Emotional Rollercoaster of Matrimonial Breakdown

It is enormously common for the two parties involved in the separation to be at very different stages in this process and that in itself can mean you feel like you are not talking the same language.  In fact it was once described to me by an experienced and well respected mediator as though each person speaks a different language at each emotional stage.  You can imagine that if one person is speaking Japanese (for example the anger phase) and one person is speaking French (the acceptance phase) this is unlikely to be a fruitful or productive conversation.

Picture this:  one person has felt unhappy in the relationship for some time.  This often manifested itself as just not feeling quite right, and a bit lost.  But they felt they needed to focus on their children and it wasn’t bad all the time so they tried to forget about the negative feelings.  They did suggest relationship counselling to their partner but the partner felt they didn’t need this and suggested it was just the loss of their dad and they would feel differently once they had grieved.  Over time they found the feelings coming back more and more until eventually, after a long period of soul searching and worrying if they were doing the right thing, they came to the conclusion that the marriage was over.  At this point they communicated to their partner that they wanted to separate, and at this point they may have already hit the acceptance phase.  The other person in the relationship recognised that there had been difficult moments in the relationship but put this down to the fact that all relationships have their ups and downs.  Plus it was difficult when the children were younger juggling both jobs and the multitude of activities.  They also felt their partner was hard hit by the loss of their dad and that was bound to upset things.  They thought things had been better lately and had been happy and felt very in love.  They are shocked and devastated that the other person wants to end the relationship.  They’re hoping it’s just a period of upset and that counselling will get them back on track.

Sometimes the person who is at the acceptance phase wants to move on quickly.  They have put their life on hold for too long and now they want to start the next phase.  But the other person cannot make rational decisions or even accept the breakdown of the relationship.  They are still shocked and in denial about what has happened.  They often still believe the feelings won’t be permanent and they will be able to reconcile.

You can see here why each party might think the other is on a completely different page.

Communication Difficulties

Each party talking a different language for reasons set out above, can be a major factor in communication problems and each party feeling that if they say black the other says white.  Separating couples often describe one of the following scenarios:

• All civilised discussions ending in an argument despite their best intentions
• Having discussions that feel constructive but then each party walking away with different conclusions or take aways which cause problems later
• Being stone walled by the other party who won’t listen or talk to them

These difficulties can be as a result of being at different phases in the recovery process.  They can also be that both parties don’t have the skills to communicate with the other.  So many clients have told me that they are good at their jobs and really good at communicating at work (they may even work in communications or other such profession that relies on good communication skills) but they describe not being able to communicate with their partner.  There can be a number of reasons for this and here are a few:

• Talking more than you’re listening.  So many people tell us they have spent a lot of time telling their partner how they see the problem without trying to understand how their partner sees or perceives the issues.
• Different communication styles.  This can be the differences between being a visual, auditory or kinesthetic learner.  It can be that one person is very loud and gesticulates a lot when talking and the other person is more introverted and finds this overwhelming; because they feel a sensory overload during conversations they can’t take in what is said.
• Having different fundamental values.  It’s surprising how often two partners have very different views on things and very different values.  Whilst opposites can attract and this can be an exciting discovery at the start of the relationship trying to parent children together from very different points can be a challenge that both parties struggle to overcome.  Both parties feel undermined by the other and frustrated by their different parenting styles.  This causes numerous arguments which they struggle to resolve because their fundamentally different values are at the core of this.
• Childhood or adolescent trauma can also play a big role in this.  If it wasn’t safe for you to express your views as a child then this habit is often taken into adulthood meaning you shy away from potential conflict or situations where you perceive somebody is disagreeing with you.  Anger can feel unsafe to some people so if your partner is getting angry (which is a natural human reaction to frustrations) then this can trigger the fight or flight response and make you want to retreat.  This can then have the effect of increasing your partner’s frustrations because they feel unable to have a conversation and the whole cycle continues and often becomes exacerbated.  Equally you can be triggered by not feeling heard or feeling that you aren’t being understood and this can make you react angrily which can be confusing for your partner who thought you were just trying to discuss your differences.  If you feel your reactions stem from childhood experiences then this can be something worth taking a deeper look at.  A counsellor or therapist can help you to unpick this in a safe space.
• Being able to name feelings and talk about them is a skill that is usually acquired through childhood.  But it’s important to remember that not everyone acquires this skill.  For some people feelings are not something that are ever talked about in their family and so you may never have been taught to pay attention to how you feel.  There is a much greater emphasis on subjects like this in school but let us not forget that there has been a perception in our society that for many men it was seen as weak to acknowledge or talk about your feelings.  If you are not talk to be aware of and understand your feelings as a child (or are taught that it is unsafe or wrong to do so) then how can you be expected to be an adult that talks about such things.

Does this give you some idea as to what might be causing the difficulties between you and your partner?  Do you recognise either of yourself in the points above?  Understanding the difficulty behind your communication problems is key to putting them right.  There is a saying that has been attributed to Albert Einstein, “Insanity:  doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”.  If you keep approaching conversations in the same way and saying the same things and not getting a productive response then maybe you need to rethink your approach to this.  Here are some things you might want to try:

• Use of language is really important in disputes between separating couples.  Simple things like saying “my” children instead of “our” children can derail a productive conversation.  Many fathers particularly talk about how it feels like they have to ask permission to see their children rather than it being an equal discussion between two parents as to when children will be with mum and when they will be with dad.
• The blame game can often shut down any conversation.  Being made to feel responsible for how another person feels, or bad stuff that’s happening for them can be a trigger for many of us.  It can be helpful to explain how you feel without putting the blame squarely at the other person’s door (even though you may feel it is their fault).  “I feel really angry at the moment because I am having to look at a different life to the one I envisaged” is a different conversation starter to “you’ve made me so angry ruining my life”.  It’s also a subtle shift in taking responsibility for your own world and actions and emotions and not passively being the victim of circumstances.  This shift can be a dramatic change in how things move forward, as well as changing how you talk to your ex-partner.
• Space.  If one person is struggling to come to terms with the breakdown of their relationship then they may need time and space to adjust to what has happened and too grieve the loss of the life they thought they were going to have.  You asking them every day if you can now talk about what happens next is unlikely to make things any better and is more likely to cause them counter productive stress.  If there are things you need to talk about then it can be helpful to explain what you think you need to immediately look at and explain that you think these things need some urgent attention and that you can leave other things until later.  Give the person a little time to process this and then ask if you can have a conversation purely about these things and how might it be helpful for them to manage this.
• Listen to understand.  So often we listen so we can just reply back with what we think.  You may profoundly disagree with your ex partner on many things but if you can fully understand and appreciate their views, objectives, priorities and fears then you are far more likely to be able to find a mutually acceptable solution.
• Try family mediation.  One of the main benefits of family mediation is bringing together a separating couple in a safe space so that they can start to understand how each other feel and work together to shape what happens next.  Having a knowledgeable, experienced and professional third person there can be helpful to ensure discussions remain on track.
• Consider what outside pressures are adding to your burdens right now.  If you find one friend has a strong perspective on what you should do and you find that draining then consider whether hearing this is helpful for you right now.  Families are sometimes brilliant in offering impartial support and being a neutral person for your children to confide in but sometimes they draw the battle lines and amplify already difficult feelings.  Don’t be sucked in to other people’s drama and be aware of what feels good to you right now and what doesn’t.  Think also about what feels constructive and how you feel afterwards.  It may feel cathartic to bash your ex partner to your mum for a couple of hours but if your mum then shout at them when she sees them it may not help harmonious relationships going forward.
• Seek professional assistance at the earliest stage.  Months of arguments are much harder to undo than just a couple.  Years of arguments and feeling stuck can have a disastrous effect on your ability to co-parent and to work things out amicably.

As always I will be live later in the week in the Soulful Separation Support group talking about this issue and answering questions.  This is a closed Facebook group for those going through a separation to find help and support from each other and from professionals like Louisa Whitney.  You can also sign up to the free LKW Family Mediation mailing list to get help and support in managing your separation as peacefully as possible.

Some parts of this survey really jumped out at me and I wanted to add some thoughts on them:

• I can see the generational difference in how long parents stayed together but even amongst younger parents it was still 3 years.  Often in family mediation one of the things you see is that the longer people stay in an unhappy relationship the more the anger and resentment builds.  Once they finally separate it can be like the door has opened on all these negative emotions and the situation can quite quickly become toxic. 
• It’s encouraging to see 21% of those in this situation wanted to work on their relationship.  If you can see difficulties then getting assistance from an experienced relationship counsellor at an early stage can be a useful tool in helping you to identify, recognise and address what is causing difficulties in the relationship.
• It’s sad to see that 20% of those asked felt they could not separate for financial reasons.  Concerns about money often rank very highly on the list of concerns people separating have.  This is understandable because if you have been able to make ends meet (sometimes just about) in one house then moving to two homes can feel like a stretch too far.  But staying in an unhappy relationship purely due to financial fears is not a good place to be and can impact on your wellbeing and mental health.  It’s interesting that 41% of people kept their decision to themselves and this could have led to them feeling very isolated. 
• The last point I wanted to pick out is the suggestion that it might be better for the children to see their parents together to set a good example for them.  For many children the relationship between their parents is their first experience of what adult relationships look like.  If there are difficulties but you are able to be respectful of each other and communicate with each other then this may be a good example on the outside, but if you are not mindful of each other’s feelings, or you spend little time together, or are arguing regularly then this may not be the best example to set your child of what a healthy relationship should look like.

I think it is interesting to look at the results of this survey and compare it with a poll by ComRes in 2014 that was shared by Resolution as in that study 82% of young people asked (all participants had parents who had separated) 82% said that they would rather their parents had separated than stayed together if they were unhappy.  It seems that many adults feel that it is better for children if they remain in an unhappy relationship, whereas children don’t want to see their parents unhappy.

What does this mean for you?

1. If you’re in an unhappy relationship should you separate?

This is a decision that only you can make.  If your relationship is not making you happy then it may well be worth taking steps to address this with a relationship therapist.  It’s also worth giving some thought to what your children may be aware of.  Children are often aware of far more than their parents realise and may well have picked up on relationship difficulties, tensions in the home and unease or unhappiness in their parents.  If there is open hostility and arguing in your relationship then consider how this might be affecting your children?  I have certainly experienced clients in mediation whose children have been the ones to flag that they do not like the arguing and would rather their parents separated than argued continually.  The studies that have been done into the long term effects of separation on children all suggest it is being caught up in parental conflict that causes difficulties for children and young people, rather than the fact their parents separated in itself.  It’s entirely possible for children to be caught up in their parents’ conflict without their parents haven’t separated.

2.   If you are going to separate what do you need to be aware of?

Firstly, be aware that there is considerable help and support for those going through a separation and there is an emphasis on constructive and peaceful separation – with your children’s needs at the top of the agenda – wherever possible.  Your first thoughts should be to access good support both for each of you, and to enable you to work out what happens next.  It may also be sensible to get support for your children outside of the two of you, so that your children have someone to talk to.  This might be a friend or family member who will be able to avoid taking sides.  Or it might be a professional they can access through their school, or through your GP.  There are also many local private services.  If you would like to know of local services around the Dorking area, then please get in touch.  Know that there is a prescribed grief cycle that comes with a separation or divorce and it may take you time to feel like you again.  It may also help to know that there are conversations you can have in family mediation at different points depending on where you are in the process.  Family Mediation is a safe space to have difficult conversations at any point during your separation.

3.  What if we can’t separate?

Please be aware that you can always separate from a partner.  Sometimes it requires some creative thinking to find ways of creating two homes but there is always a way and no one should be forced to remain in a relationship where they are unhappy for any reason.  Family mediators are very knowledgeable about different ways of making one home into two because they draw on all the experience and knowledge they have.  Lawyers can help you too.  Family mediation is often the quickest way of resolving issues (and therefore the most cost effective) because you talk to each other directly with the help of an impartial mediator.  They can take you through the process of getting clear about what money you each have and what happens next.

If you’re not sure what to do next then please get in touch and have a no obligation chat about the options open to you.

This is the first time cameras have ever filmed family mediation sessions for television (to my knowledge) and it is a significant step forward in making people aware of family mediation as an option. The couples involved were very brave to allow themselves to be filmed and I personally am very grateful to them because without them family mediation would never have made it on to our screens.

I have spoken to a number of friends who have watched the documentary and who have no background in law or divorce, as I was interested to see what other people thought. From their reactions I have put together the following questions and answers which I thought may be helpful for those that have seen the programmes:

1. Are mediation sessions always characterised by shouting and people storming out?

No they aren’t. Some people sit and discuss things constructively without any shouting or leaving the room. It really depends on each couple’s situation. For some couples they may have always communicated in such a way during the relationship and so this continues post separation. In some cases, one or both of the parties may not have properly dealt with the breakdown of the relationship. This can play a huge factor in determining whether somebody is in the right place to have discussions about what happens next.

2. Does mediation work?

Resoundingly yes! If you paid attention to the “updates” at the end you can see that some people were able to find a resolution following on from the mediation sessions. Sometimes couples resolve everything in mediation and walk away with a document summarising what they have decided to do. Other couples start the work to find a resolution and to communicate better in mediation but then move to finally resolve all issues in a different process. There are now a number of ways of resolving disputes that arise when a couple separates and you are not constrained by staying in a process just because you have started there. As things move on a couple can find that they feel it would be more effective to try a different process and that’s absolutely fine. Mediation is hugely flexible and can be used to resolve all issues, to narrow some issues, or just to get the ball rolling with helping a couple start talking to each other again post separation.

3. Is mediation exactly like you saw in the clips?

Essentially the process of mediation is bringing two people together to talk about issues to help them find a resolution. Practice between mediators varies hugely and different mediators work in different ways. Some mediators use a flip chart and some use a lap top. Some mediators routinely separate parties that are having difficulties talking to each other and are getting upset, other mediators prefer parties to remain in the same room if at all possible so that they can still hear each other, as they believe this is very powerful. The most important thing is to find a mediator that you feel comfortable working with. If you want to find a mediator local to you then you can use this Link

The most important thing to remember is that if you have recently separated mediation can be a helpful way of helping you find a resolution that focuses on the needs of your children. It can be a quicker way of resolving matters and that, in turn, often makes it cheaper than using other processes. It also helps to improve communication, and that’s hugely important where a couple will need to keep talking to each other about their children moving forwards.