• Emotions – Allowing yourself to grieve, a separation is a loss, and you will experience a lot of different emotions, maybe some emotions you have not felt so strongly before. Give yourself the time and space to feel these emotions. It is ok to feel anger, sadness, frustration, relief and so on. These are your emotions, and you are allowed to feel them.
• Support – Look for support around you from the people that you trust and feel safe with. Friends and family. Don’t suffer alone, reach out to others.
• Boundaries – Surround yourself with people that have a positive impact on you. Put boundaries on those that have a negative impact on you, prioritising your needs and not putting unnecessary pressure on yourself.  
• Professionals – Look for a therapist or support group with others that are in a similar situation. I have one near me that is called ‘Divorce Group’ they run 6-week course and share experiences and help with information and support each other.
• Small steps – Whilst we must plan for future events, focus on day-to-day tasks, when you feel ready focus on your next steps and then on the future. There is no set plan when this must be, you can decide when you feel emotionally ready to work towards the next steps.

• Experiences – Try old and new activities you like or may like. When a relationship comes to an end, we work through who we are as an individual and what we like doing, this may be similar activities to before or we may like to try new activities.
• Pleasure – If you find experiences are not as pleasurable as before, look for experiences that give you a little bit of pleasure, even if it is not much as you used to experience. That will come later. Small steps for now, any amount of pleasure is good.
• The outside – Being in fresh air, this could be going for a walk on your own or with others, exercising something that you like and is not a chore.
• Sleep – You may be sleeping more or less than normal. If you are struggling to sleep, try a different routine, if you find it difficult going to sleep, don’t worry research has shown resting in bed is just as important. Allowing yourself 8 hours or rest or sleep in bed. Finding ways to relax and a moment of calmness.
• Eating – Sometimes we eat when we are happy or sad, sometimes we don’t eat when we are happy or sad. Most importantly if you’re eating habits have changed, see food as fuelling, a car would not start if it didn’t have petrol. It is important to fuel yourself to start the day. Regular meals throughout the day, will help with energy and regulating emotions. Research shows if we don’t have fuel in our body we are more emotional and find day to day tasks more difficult.

You may find the free downloads we offer helpful in navigating different aspects of separation. We also have an online course called your Road Map to Surviving and Thriving in divorce that takes you through the things you may need to sort out, as well as things to consider with regard to the more emotional aspects. It also covers each of the 4 Cs of effective communication (Calm, Constructive, Conscious and Compassionate) to help you with other aspects of separation as well as ensuring discussing are productive.

Here are some helpful tips from Michelle Rumsey on how to manage the Christmas period:

• Communication: Open and honest communication between co-parents is key. Start the conversation as soon as possible. If you haven’t had it already then you definitely need to start now. Creating space and time to explore different options. Think about how this change will impact both of you.
• Children always being at the forefront of your mind: Each child is unique and has different needs depending on developmental age, relationship with extended family, friends locally, hobbies, parties. What is best for your child/ren? How can you create new happy memories? What can you both do to help your children be excited about Christmas rather than apprehensive about the changes?
• Plan: Create a plan together in how you communicate best, face to face, email, telephone. Be specific about drop offs and pick ups and what will happen each day over the holidays. Christmas extends over 2 weeks for children.  Whilst it’s natural to see Christmas day as the main event you can do the same things as a family on any other day in the Christmas holidays and most children won’t object to having two days of celebration!

• Be flexible: Children’s needs come first, at the last minute they may be invited to a party or they may want to see a grandparent or they may be unwell. It is important communication doesn’t stop after the plan has been agreed. Changes sometimes happen we can not plan for although it can help to think about what bumps in the road might crop up and talk about how you would deal with them.
• Once agreed on a plan: Put this in writing, you are all clear on the arrangements, communication and expectations.
• Keep the children informed: Depending on Childrens age and needs ask the children what they would like, let them express their preferences and hopes. Involved them, if appropriate, in the planning. Children often have creative ways of managing things and it can be empowering for them to know they’ve been involved in some of the decision making.
• Alternate years: Many parents find it helpful to alternate Christmas arrangements each year. For example, one parent has the Children on Christmas day this year and the other parent has them the next year. This way, both parents get to celebrate with the children on special occasions. Some parents set things up so that the children are with one parent on Christmas Day, and the other on Boxing Day and it changes each year. What will work best for your family?
• Stay positive: Remember that holiday arrangements can be challenging, but maintaining a positive approach and cooperation will create a better experience for everyone. It can always take time for new things to feel normal especially after a big change like a divorce or separation.

• Be sensitive: The change and unknown of the first Christmas after separation can create different emotions, negative and positive. Be sensitive to everyone’s emotions and understand emotions are challenged and change. You and your co-parent might be experiencing different emotions but it help to treat the way you each feel as being valid.

If you find it difficult to reach an agreement on your own, consider Mediation to help support this discussion. Mediation can help facilitate discussions and reach a resolution that feels fair to everyone involved. Your children can also have their say in the mediation process so that you factor in their ideas. This is generally for children of 10 and older and only happens where both parents and the children want it to but it can be a useful way of ensuring everyone’s voices are heard in the arrangements that you make. The goal is to make the Christmas season as memorable for your children and yourselves as possible and that can sometimes require some creativity and to think outside the box about what will work for you.

We all have different things that we consider to be the truth. If we start this thought process quite simply then I can say that my truth is that mushrooms are a horrible food. Their texture is disgusting and their taste is unpleasant. But yet your truth may be that mushrooms are the most delicious thing you’ve ever tasted. I might say that Marvel films are wonderful escapism and great action. You may see them as having poor story lines and being lacking in a certain depth of character.

We all have different things that are true to us and so represent truths we hold about ourselves and about the world around us, but they will not necessarily be truths for other people.

If we extend this further we may look at a situation where there has been a bank robbery. There are three witnesses that the police will question. Each witness has a different view on what the perpetrators looked like and what the getaway car was, or looked like. Each witness also has a different perspective from which they viewed the robbery. The first witness was in an office building which looks down on the bank. She had been stressed out all morning owing to work pressures and just happen to spend a minute by the window and this was when those involved in the robbery came out of the bank with guns and got in the car.

The second witness was very chilled out as he had just been to an exercise class and popped into the supermarket on the high street before going home to work. He was queuing for the tills by the window and witnessed the three criminals run out of the bank and shout and then jump into their car.

The third witness works at the bank and was in the lobby when the robbery happened. She saw them come in and reveal their guns and heard the deafening roar of their shouts. She saw the whole robbery and was genuinely in fear that she was going to be shot. She will be signed off work for 6 months following today and will not be able to return to work until she has had treatment for PTSD.

Each witness had their own things happening up until the moment they witnessed the robbery, and after that. At the point of the robbery their experiences were shared in having witnessed the same event, and having to give a statement to the police. When they witnessed the event that day they didn’t become different people, or objective robot observers, they were all still dealing with the baggage of the day, had their own life experiences through which they witnessed the robbery and their accounts each represent what was the truth to them.

If we then shift the lens to looking at what happens when a couple separate it is fairly common that they might discuss experiences of events either between themselves, in mediation, through lawyers or in court. They may each have very different accounts of things that happened – even though they were both present at the same events. They may each become frustrated, angry and upset with the other person for presenting a distortion of the truth of the event.

We all have perspectives on what has happened to us and two people’s experience of the same relationship can be markedly different. We have things that have wounded us; things that have light us up; things that have nourished and nurtured us; things that made us feel rejected; and things that made us feel invalid, or wrong.

We can even expand this idea further to look at bigger ideas or concepts. At one point there was an almost universal belief that the earth was flat which we now know is not true. Even in our modern society there are those that accept ideas of evolution as true, and notions that were first advanced by Darwin in his Theory of Evolution in 1859 as accepted fact. Yet there are those that don’t and dispute the whole idea of the evolution of the species. There are countless other examples of areas where science plays out against religion, or economics against politics. Vaccinations seem to have become a hot topic of COVID times and each person will take their view on these as a universal truth despite the fact that many may see it as only their truth – or a truth shared by some people.

We may look at whether there should be an obligation on any person to re-consider truths they hold in the light of evidence that may show things to the contrary. If a witness insists it was a green car and a CCTV video shows it to be a blue car they may be invited to reconsider what they thought to be the truth. Debates rumble all over the world with people inviting others to reconsider their truths in light of what they see as compelling evidence to the contrary. Some do, and some don’t. It can be a useful question to ask yourself as to what evidence might convince you that truths are not the truths you thought they were. To use a simple example, if Angela Hartnett cooks me the most incredible mushroom risotto and I love it, might I have to re-consider whether I truly do dislike mushrooms?

In a dispute between a separating couple I am never sure that it is helpful to start to pick apart what each person considers to be a truth. There may be situations where one person needs to see there is evidence that contradicts their truth e.g if they consider the other person to not be a fit parent and yet there is clear evidence to the contrary. Or where one person things the other is hiding money but statements or accounts show otherwise. But mainly where those truths we hold relate to things that happened, and how we felt, it is rarely useful to try to convince each other that my truth should be your truth. This holds the dangerous connotation that one person’s truth should be worth more than another’s. Granted there are situations where this should be the case. If we are concerned that there might be a severe earthquake here in Surrey then it would be far better to listen to the truth presented by a seismologist rather than me after I’ve spent 30 minutes on Google or Facebook.

But such discussions in a separation about whether one partner’s feelings or perspectives are more valid than the other is unlikely to lead to resolution and healing, and ultimately the point of bringing a separating couple together to talk about what happens next (in whatever way) is to find a resolution that will hopefully benefit them – and which will crucially benefit their children. In this situation it is far more helpful to accept each person’s truth as valid. To see and acknowledge someone else’s truth as their truth is incredibly powerful. To simply listen (without distraction) and acknowledge is a power that is repeatedly underestimated.

Understanding each other’s perspectives and feelings is huge. Understanding what pushes each other’s buttons, as well as what causes each other to withdraw brings a new more universal truth to both parties. It creates an understanding of the relationship between them and how this might change (or evolve) going forwards as they no longer live together as loving partners, but work together as co-parents to bring up their children.

In these challenging times where everyone is dealing with all that life brings with it, and COVID-19, Una Archer and I got to talking about the importance of looking after yourself and how filling up your own cup is the most important thing you can do for yourself, and for your relationships with other people.   We all know relationships can change over time – your relationship with a toddler is different to your relationship with your teenager.  We also know relationships can improve and deteriorate.  They can also evolve as happens when a separated couple become parents rather than spouses.  It can be challenging adjusting to changing relationships and when our cups are empty the focus can be on what you wish the other person would do differently, rather than filling up your own cup.

Have a watch of the conversation between Una and I.

0:00 Introductions

01:02 What do you prefer: self-care or self-nourishment?

04:22 How having a full or an empty cup can change your experience of relationships

06:30 2 ways in which going through separation can empty your cup

07:14 A story about successfully handling a tricky handover even when with an empty cup

13:30 Re-defining your relationship with the other parent

15:40 How parenting with an empty cup can make you more susceptible to triggers

17:00 Simple practice to fill up your cup

Why use Child Inclusive Mediation?  Can Child Inclusive Mediation be used in Lockdown?

Welcome to this blog with me, Jo O’Sullivan a divorce lawyer and mediator and Louisa Whitney. I am not a Child Inclusive Mediator but I am a great believer in it. I always mention Child Inclusive Mediation to my clients in whatever role I am in. Louisa is training to be a Child Inclusive Mediator is a family mediator, a PPC (Professional Practising Consultant who supervises mediators) and a non-practising solicitor.    So here goes:

Jo: United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child… ’was agreed by governments (including ours) around the world in 1989. It says what they must do so that children grow as healthy as possible, can learn at school, receive protection, have their views listened to and are treated fairly. All the rights in the Convention apply to every child, no matter who they are or where they come from.’ (Pocket Book of Children’s Rights, UNICEF).  Article 12 – ‘Every child has the right to have a say in all matters affecting them, and to have their views taken seriously’.

Could you explain what Child Inclusive meditation is and how it fits with Article 12?

Louisa: This is a very topical question to ask me because I am in the middle of my training although it has been a little interrupted by coronavirus.  Child Inclusive Mediation is where children can talk to the family mediator who is meeting with their parents, and express their views about what’s important to them as part of their parents’ separation.  I think there was a study or survey in 2015 and something like 48% of children questioned said that the changes that came out of their parents’ divorce weren’t properly explained to them.  So, the idea of Child Inclusive Mediation is that it gives children a voice.  They can say things to the mediator (who is an impartial and professional person) that they maybe feel uncomfortable saying to their parents.  This could be because they don’t want to upset them, or it could be because they haven’t found the right words, or haven’t been given the opportunity.  It doesn’t give the children any decision making responsibility (that will of course rest with their parents) but it enables them to have their voices heard about what’s important to them, what they’re worrying about.  Sometimes children have really creative ideas for helping their parents.  Crucially the process is confidential and the mediator only feeds back what the children want them to and the mediator will use the children’s words and not add to them or interpret them so it really is the children’s views that are heard. How do you think this benefits parents and children alike?  What is the potential value of doing this?

Jo – There is nothing for parents to fear.  Mostly, children are very supportive and loyal to their parents. It is usually a good news story. The parents, who are often worried about the effect of their separation has had on the children, are pleased to find out that that their children are so resilient. The children, overwhelmingly, want their parents to be happy.  The other aspect is that sometimes the child(ren) will say surprising things. The parents can then either listen to what they say (if the child has been clear) or discuss what they might mean and put something into practice.  The value is that the children get a voice. The most frustrating thing for children is that they are not part of things.  I am a huge fan of a specially trained mediator speaking or rather listening to the children. My only worry is whether or not this could be effectively done on Zoom (online video). What do you think Louisa?

Louisa:

I agree with you wholeheartedly about it being a good news story and that it is such a valuable process.  It taking place online is a conundrum for many practitioners.  I’ve had this discussion with a few mediators and I know the FMA (Family Mediator’s Association)’s advice is that they don’t recommend doing it.  My take is that the main issue is safeguarding – safeguarding the clients, their children and the process and that is always down to a mediator’s judgement call and this situation is no different.  Part of setting up the child inclusive mediation process is explaining to parents the way that it will work and checking that they won’t coach their children, or ask them about it afterwards.  If a mediator has concerns about this then these should be raised with parents.  Clearly it could be easier for a parent to interfere in the process if this takes place online and if the children live with one parent and are talking to the mediator in that parent’s house.  But if both parents are on board with the value of the process then they’re less likely to do anything to jeopardise it.  If the mediator continues to have concerns then they might make a judgement call that this is not appropriate right now (i.e. during the pandemic) or at all.  There’s also some practical issues about how children access the technology and whether that might require an adult and that would need thinking through, because the child or children meet with the mediator on their own – away from the earshot of parents.  But many children are becoming very technologically proficient accessing online learning whilst their parents are working at the current time.  It also depends on how the children feel about it.  Some may feel they wouldn’t want to talk to the mediator online, other children may quite like the idea of being able to talk to the mediator from the safety and comfort of their own home.  Some teenagers may feel more comfortable talking into a phone, tablet or screen than in person.  So my take would be that you need to take each case on its own situation and how the parents and children feel and make a judgement call on that.  When weighing it up it can be helpful to think about weighing up the potential downsides of doing it versus the downsides of not doing it (as well as the upsides but they are often easier to appraise.  If everyone (parents, children and the mediator) is on board with the idea of doing it then it’s a question of safely working out the appropriate logistics.  Do you have any more thoughts on this, Jo?  I know it is a difficult area and it’s something that understandably causes concern amongst mediators, parents and children alike!

Jo:  I do feel a bit squeamish about online Child Inclusive Mediation but as you say, if all are willing and there’s no fear that the child(ren) will be under any duress or coached then why not?!

Could you explain how the mediator gets the child to speak for themselves, is it through play, story telling or how?

Louisa:  It’s very much age dependant.  I think it helps to have an array of different pens, paper, toys and items a child can ‘fiddle’ with.  It’s also useful to get some idea of what the children you’re going to talk to are interested in so you have an ‘ice breaker’.  This can be a nerve wracking experience meeting a mediator so it helps to put the children you’re talking to at their ease straight away and give them activities to focus on to make it a less intense experience.  A younger child may enjoy drawing a picture or making a model from plasticine whilst talking, but a teenager may just prefer to have something they can focus on other than the mediator (fidget spinner, Rubik’s cube) so they can talk without it feeling too intense.  That’s not to say I would stop a teenager drawing a picture if they wanted to but I’d be conscious they may see it as an activity for a younger child.

What would you say to children or parents who were nervous about coming to see the mediator, Jo?

I would encourage them to give it a go.  The law in relation to divorce and separation places the welfare of the children first and foremost.  How can that be the case if the child isn’t involved whatsoever in what’s going on?  It’s an uncomfortable internal contradiction.  My view is that children will be a lot happier and reconciled to their parents’ breakup if they are involved in this small way.  Even parents who use the collaborative process or the traditional letter writing process ought to be encouraged to use it. Child Inclusive Mediation gives the children a voice and just as importantly, an opportunity for the parents to listen in a structured and safe way.

So, if you are a client or a professional helping clients divorce or separate, please consider using Child Inclusive Mediation.

To get in touch with Jo look at

O’Sullivan Family Law or connect with Jo on Twitter

To contact Louisa visit

LKW Family Mediation

Or you can find her mediation practice on

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You can also find Louisa on

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You can watch a video I put together about this and/or read the blog below.

The first piece of important information is that parents are permitted to leave their homes to transport their child or children to the other parent’s house.  The government made something of a dog’s dinner of clarifying this situation so it’s important to note that this point may not be clear.  The only exception to this would be if there were symptoms of COVID-19 (i.e a high temperature or a dry cough) in one parent’s house when the child was there.  In which case the child would be part of that household self-isolating for 14 days and would not then be able to go to the other parent’s house.  If the child developed symptoms then they would need to self-isolate for 7 days, even if this took them over the original 14 days.

So potentially a parent may not see their child for 21 days if the child ended up self-isolating with the other parent.  This is tough.  Especially so for parents who share care of their children through the week so they never go more than a few days without seeing the child.

There are also difficult decisions to be made for those families whose households include a member who is in the vulnerable category.  This could be a parent with asthma or a lung condition (or other ongoing health condition) or a grandparent living in the same household who is over 70.  In these circumstances there may be difficult decisions to make about whether you continue to co-parent as usual during this difficult time.  Having a child moving between households could potentially pose an increased risk to a vulnerable person that needs to be considered.  There simply aren’t right or wrong answers in this situation and it’s important that you give thought to what is right for your family.  You may wish to give some thought to:

• If the vulnerable member of your household is an older or vulnerable relative is there another family member they can stay with at this time to prevent the increased risk being past to them of the child going between houses; or is it possible for them to be isolated within your household i.e having their own room and bathroom away from others?
• Is there an increased risk posed by the other parent’s household?  Are they a key worker continuing to go out to work and mix with others who are potentially carrying the virus?  Or are they staying at home and not going out and so of a lower risk?
• How might your child feel if they were not able to see the other parent for some time?  How do they cope with changes to their routine? For children diagnosed with ASD even small changed in their routines can have a big impact.
• Can you mitigate the difficulties for the child with the use of regular video chats by Facetime or what’s app or other such technology?  These technologies are also useful if a child ends up self-isolating with one parent and unable to see the other.  You can be really creative with these.  I am aware of clients using these for chats and discussions, home schooling and reading stories for quite long chunks of time.
• Can you re-jig your current routine to provide for time with each parent in a way that poses less of a risk to other members of each household?  This might include longer periods of time with each parent.
• Many mediators are carrying on helping those going through (or who have been through) a separation and so if you’re finding it hard to work out these challenging issues then consider using family mediation as a safe space to have difficult discussions.  Meetings would need to take place online but can be a useful way of exploring and understanding all the options and finding a mutually palatable way forward.

It’s important to remember that your situation is your situation and whilst it may cause you both some upset and anxiety the object is to find a way forward everyone can live with.  This situation won’t be forever and a solution is a temporary fix to a unique set of circumstances.  Don’t worry about what others are doing but focus on what will work for you.  Be creative and innovative in finding a solution to your particular challenges.  As long as it works for you no one will interfere with it.  Please get in touch if you feel you could do with some professional guidance and support.

Some parts of this survey really jumped out at me and I wanted to add some thoughts on them:

• I can see the generational difference in how long parents stayed together but even amongst younger parents it was still 3 years.  Often in family mediation one of the things you see is that the longer people stay in an unhappy relationship the more the anger and resentment builds.  Once they finally separate it can be like the door has opened on all these negative emotions and the situation can quite quickly become toxic. 
• It’s encouraging to see 21% of those in this situation wanted to work on their relationship.  If you can see difficulties then getting assistance from an experienced relationship counsellor at an early stage can be a useful tool in helping you to identify, recognise and address what is causing difficulties in the relationship.
• It’s sad to see that 20% of those asked felt they could not separate for financial reasons.  Concerns about money often rank very highly on the list of concerns people separating have.  This is understandable because if you have been able to make ends meet (sometimes just about) in one house then moving to two homes can feel like a stretch too far.  But staying in an unhappy relationship purely due to financial fears is not a good place to be and can impact on your wellbeing and mental health.  It’s interesting that 41% of people kept their decision to themselves and this could have led to them feeling very isolated. 
• The last point I wanted to pick out is the suggestion that it might be better for the children to see their parents together to set a good example for them.  For many children the relationship between their parents is their first experience of what adult relationships look like.  If there are difficulties but you are able to be respectful of each other and communicate with each other then this may be a good example on the outside, but if you are not mindful of each other’s feelings, or you spend little time together, or are arguing regularly then this may not be the best example to set your child of what a healthy relationship should look like.

I think it is interesting to look at the results of this survey and compare it with a poll by ComRes in 2014 that was shared by Resolution as in that study 82% of young people asked (all participants had parents who had separated) 82% said that they would rather their parents had separated than stayed together if they were unhappy.  It seems that many adults feel that it is better for children if they remain in an unhappy relationship, whereas children don’t want to see their parents unhappy.

What does this mean for you?

1. If you’re in an unhappy relationship should you separate?

This is a decision that only you can make.  If your relationship is not making you happy then it may well be worth taking steps to address this with a relationship therapist.  It’s also worth giving some thought to what your children may be aware of.  Children are often aware of far more than their parents realise and may well have picked up on relationship difficulties, tensions in the home and unease or unhappiness in their parents.  If there is open hostility and arguing in your relationship then consider how this might be affecting your children?  I have certainly experienced clients in mediation whose children have been the ones to flag that they do not like the arguing and would rather their parents separated than argued continually.  The studies that have been done into the long term effects of separation on children all suggest it is being caught up in parental conflict that causes difficulties for children and young people, rather than the fact their parents separated in itself.  It’s entirely possible for children to be caught up in their parents’ conflict without their parents haven’t separated.

2.   If you are going to separate what do you need to be aware of?

Firstly, be aware that there is considerable help and support for those going through a separation and there is an emphasis on constructive and peaceful separation – with your children’s needs at the top of the agenda – wherever possible.  Your first thoughts should be to access good support both for each of you, and to enable you to work out what happens next.  It may also be sensible to get support for your children outside of the two of you, so that your children have someone to talk to.  This might be a friend or family member who will be able to avoid taking sides.  Or it might be a professional they can access through their school, or through your GP.  There are also many local private services.  If you would like to know of local services around the Dorking area, then please get in touch.  Know that there is a prescribed grief cycle that comes with a separation or divorce and it may take you time to feel like you again.  It may also help to know that there are conversations you can have in family mediation at different points depending on where you are in the process.  Family Mediation is a safe space to have difficult conversations at any point during your separation.

3.  What if we can’t separate?

Please be aware that you can always separate from a partner.  Sometimes it requires some creative thinking to find ways of creating two homes but there is always a way and no one should be forced to remain in a relationship where they are unhappy for any reason.  Family mediators are very knowledgeable about different ways of making one home into two because they draw on all the experience and knowledge they have.  Lawyers can help you too.  Family mediation is often the quickest way of resolving issues (and therefore the most cost effective) because you talk to each other directly with the help of an impartial mediator.  They can take you through the process of getting clear about what money you each have and what happens next.

If you’re not sure what to do next then please get in touch and have a no obligation chat about the options open to you.

This got me thinking about whether those coming into mediation, or going through a separation generally, really understand the full range of things that can be talked about in mediation.  So the list below is of conversations that have been facilitated by me in mediation sessions.  It’s by no means exhaustive as there may be variations on themes and there may simply be conversations between separating couples that I have not yet come across.  You really can talk about anything in mediation that you feel is important to you as part of your separation.  This could be:

• How are we going to tell our children about our separation?
• What will that conversation look like (where, when, how, what will be the key messages and what will we do afterwards)
• How can we separate immediately? (this can be particularly useful where you both feel it’s toxic living in the same house)
• When we separate (or now that we have separated) when will our children be with mum and when will they be with dad?
• What will we do in school holidays?
• Where are each of us going to live?  How will we fund that?
• How will we be able to make ends meet?
• We don’t have enough money to fund two houses – how can we possibly separate?
• What do we do about our pets?  Will they stay with one person?  Can they go between our homes?
• We have a family business – do we both keep working in that going forwards?  How do we decide what value it has?
• Are we going to separate?  We’re not sure but we don’t want to start relationship counselling unless we know we will both try and currently we’re not able to have that conversation on our own.
• What are we going to do about our pensions?
• Should our children have one home and see the other parent or do they have two homes?  How will that work?
• I’m worried about our children.
• I have concerns about the other parent’s parenting.
• We are unable to communicate.  How can we change this?
• Does one of us or both of us need therapy?

As you can see simply saying you can talk about children or money doesn’t really cover the range or nuances of the different conversations that take place in mediation.  If you’re still not sure if the conversation you would like to have can take place in mediation then why not get in touch so that we can have a chat about it?  There’s no charge for a quick phone chat and it can help to understand your options before committing to anything.

Parenting after separation can feel very busy. You may find yourself carrying more responsibility for your child, whilst learning to navigate the co-parenting relationship.

Una and I put our heads together to hopefully help you simplify things a bit, let go of things that are not essential and make more space for what is important for you. In the video below we talk about:

• Four common influences on co-parents. As you listen about those four common influences we invite to reflect on what is like for you. Are you comfortable with how things are or do you feel it could be better?
• A way to come back to the present moment and focus on what your child needs from you right now
• What help is available if you’re finding co-parenting challenging

Una Archer is a psychologist who helps separated parents to soften the impact of the separation on their children and to resolve any emotional or behaviour issues that might have cropped up along the way. She provides one-to-one consultations to parents and families, hosts workshops for parents and professionals working with separated parents and runs termly parenting course Parenting More Comfortably.

Use this timeline if you want to come back to the specific part of the recording:

0:00 Introductions

3:00 Co-parenting foundation

4:35 Why is it important to know the common sources of pressure for co-parents?

6:20 Four common influences on co-parents that may be taking up your time and headspace, when you could be present with your children:

• 6:20 Your relationship with your own parents
• 9:30 Your relationship with the other parent
• 13:40 Your family and friends
• 16:30 What you see and hear in the media

21:00 A way to come back to the present moment and focus on what your child needs from you right now

• 24:10 Your commitment to being secure base for your child
• 25:40 Supporting your child’s exploration
• 27:00 Meeting your child’s need for comfort
• 28:00 Support for you

30:30 Translating the theory into day-to-day parenting:

• 30:40 How can I be the secure base for my child?
• 34:20 Taking stock of your co-parenting resources
• 37:20 How can I support the other parent to be the secure base?
• 42:40 Friends and family – your village
• 45:20 Filtering the messages that come from media

46:40 What help is available if you’re finding co-parenting challenging

• 47:50 How does mediation help?
• 49:00 Support to nurture secure relationship with your child

There is no ‘one size fits all’ separation but there are common themes that often run through the situation when things are starting to get heated.  Ask yourself honestly if any of these apply to you:

1. The decision to separate was made by you and your ex-partner is struggling to come to terms with this.  Or you may be the person who is struggling to come to terms with things.  It takes time to deal with a separation and there is a whole grieving/healing process that people go through.  Often the person who made the decision to separate has been contemplating it for some time and is therefore further head in their recovery.  There is also no set time frame and what may take on person six months may take another two years.  If you find that you or your ex partner are reacting angrily or aggressively in discussions then maybe one of you (or both of you) need a little more time before making long term decisions.
2. Do you feel heard?  Do you think that your ex partner feels heard?  Feeling that you’re not being listened to is one of the most frustrating things.  It is often a trigger for adults and children alike.  Being in an upsetting situation and feeling that you are not having your point of view taken seriously, or your concerns are not being taken on board can quickly make a calm discussion escalate.  It’s important that both parties take time to hear each other and to understand the other’s point if view.  It doesn’t mean you have to agree with it.  It is impossible to resolve an issue if you don’t fully understand what the issue is.
3. A separation can also act as a trigger for other issues that have been unresolved during your life.  Things that you may have felt you had put to bed may come back because you are feeling similar emotions following the decision to separate.  It can feel overwhelming going through so many emotions, or feeling such intense feelings.  Dealing with all this on top of having to hold down a job and look after children can quickly feel like overload.  In this situation it’s easy to react from a place of ‘I can’t deal with another thing’.  If you feel like that, or you can see that happening in your partner then it’s important to address.  Work out whether there is anything you can temporarily shelve or get help with.  If you feel it runs deeper than that then it might be time to get extra help from your GP or a therapist.
   

If discussions between you and your ex partner are becoming heated then it’s important to take action as soon as possible and especially so if these discussions are taking place anywhere near your children.  Just because you’re in another room doesn’t mean they don’t know it’s happening.  Have you ever turned up somewhere and instinctively known that the couple you’re meeting have just had a large argument?  It’s the same for children.  Doing the same thing over and over again is likely to generate the same outcome.  So try to do something differently.

Working out what is triggering you to become angry or fearful will often help.  Look at whether a different location, or another time of day would make discussions calmer.  A coffee shop may be a better place to talk rather than the home you previously shared.  If you’re really struggling then consider trying mediation so that a specially trained mediator can help you to look at ways to get communication back on track.

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