According to the Gottman Institute “it is OK to argue in front of kids some of the time. It can actually be good for them. But the kind of argument you’re having and how you communicate your thoughts and feelings makes a BIG difference.” 

If there is a difference of opinion on a certain issue, ensuring that communication remains calm and respectful is essential.  Disagreements are a reality of not only family life but life in general.  Children will experience their own disagreements and conflicts with their friends and siblings, and in the future with their own partners.  They need to learn how to deal with those conflicts by experiencing productive and positive communication, and how this can lead to a resolution. 

However, those at the Gottman Institute also recognise that if children are frequently exposed to incidents of high conflict, they can become “anxious, distressed, sad, angry, and depressed. These feelings result in sleep disturbances, poor performance at school, and difficulty focusing. In the longer term, these kids may become unable to manage conflict and form healthy adult relationships”. 

It is therefore really important to be aware of how your interactions with one another are managed.  Here are some tips:

• Being civil with each other really matters to your children.  Acknowledging one another, making eye contact and entering into small talk at handovers shows your children that you are able to put your differences to one side, to make things easier for them.
• Don’t make things personal.  Avoid speaking negatively about your ex-partner, either in front of them or in the presence of your children. Your children know that they are half you and half their other parent and hearing negative views about either one of you can affect how they see themselves.
• If there is something particularly difficult that you need to discuss, and you anticipate the conversation may not go well, schedule a mutually convenient time for you and your ex-partner to sit down and talk it through, away from the children (i.e they are not in the house at the time).  The opportunity for them to overhear or experience any conflict is then taken away.  If you feel that some support is needed to reach a resolution, consider exploring the option of mediation. This process can provide a safe and professional environment to discuss the issues that you are struggling with, with the help of an impartial third party.  For parents who have not accessed the provision before, the Ministry of Justice provides a Voucher Scheme whereby parents can access £500 towards their joint mediation costs when they wish to discuss arrangements for their children in mediation.  For further information see the link below or get in touch with us on 01306 320520 or via admin@lkwfamilymediation.co.uk as we can claim the voucher for you.

Family Mediation Voucher Scheme – GOV.UK

Other helpful resources:

A simple way to think about co-parenting

The idea of this blog is to give you a basic guide to pensions and some things to think about if you’re currently going through a separation.

The basics

Firstly, if you have ever paid into a pension then you have a pension.  It doesn’t matter if it’s from a job that you left (many) years ago, that pension will still exist unless it was transferred into a different pension.  If you haven’t kept any details then if it was a work pension your previous employer may be able to provide you with details.  Alternatively if you remember the name of the company who administered it then you can contact them.  A trawl through your emails may also give you some clues if you received information via email.

Secondly, for all pensions that you and your spouse/ ex-spouse (there’s no mechanism to share pensions between partners that weren’t married) have you will need to obtain what’s called a Cash Equivalent Transfer Value (sometimes called the Cash Equivalent).  This is the value of the pension fund that you have as at the current time.  There may be other pieces of information you will need and these are discussed later in the blog.  A statement of potential benefits that tells you how much you are likely to receive from this pension when you retire can also be helpful in looking at what your financial position will be in retirement but you will need the valuation too.  These valuations should generally be no more than a year old and the more up to date they are the better.  You can’t make an informed decision about whether to claim against your spouse’s pension unless you know how much is worth.  If you think you’re not interested in this would you still hold the same view if it was worth £250,000?  £500,000?  £1,000,000?  Further, do you know roughly what income they will receive from this pension in retirement?

Pensions are not all alike

There are different types of pension schemes and the scheme you have will be determined by things like whether the pension scheme was provided by an employer or whether this was a pension you set up yourself.  Most people will also be familiar with the state pension.

State pension – this is an amount that you are paid by the government when you retire.  Your State Pension amount depends on your National Insurance record.  If you have always worked and made National Insurance contributions then you may be entitled to a full state pension.  At the time of writing this blog (October 2024) the full state pension is £221.20 per week.  You can Check your State Pension forecast to find out how much you could get when you reach State Pension age. It also shows your National Insurance record.

If you did not work for periods of time, or lived abroad and so did not pay National Insurance or you were contracted out of SERPS before 2016 then these things might impact on whether you get the full state pension.  As part of your discussions it’s helpful to find out how much you will receive by way of a state pension.  It may also be possible for you to claim a state pension based on your spouse’s National Insurance record rather than yours if this would be more beneficial for you.  If you’re not sure then make sure you take some advice with regard to this.

Defined contributions pension scheme

These are sometimes referred to as personal pensions or stakeholder pensions. They’re also sometimes called ‘money purchase’ pension schemes too.  They can be a workplace pension that’s arranged by your employer, or they can be a private pension that you take out yourself.  This might be because you’re self-employed and don’t get a pension from an employer, or because you want to top up other pension provision you have.

Money paid in by you (or your employer) is put into investments (usually managed by people called fund managers whose job it is to get the best return on monies invested in the pension) by the pension provider. The value of your pension pot can go up or down depending on how the investments perform.  Whilst this might cause you concern most money invested in pensions is there for the long term so fluctuations are normal.  If you have a pensions adviser they may discuss with you your attitude to risk so that they can look at whether to invest monies in high risk funds (where there may be a greater return on the investment but there is a greater risk) or whether to keep the risk more medium to low.

Some schemes move your money into lower-risk investments as you get close to retirement age. You may be able to ask for this if it does not happen automatically.  As with any investment, it’s a good idea to keep an eye on how your pension fund is growing and to discuss things regularly with a financial advisor if you have one.  That way you can stay on top of whether your pension is growing at a rate you’d like, depending on when you’d like to retire and the level of income you’d like to have.  If the scheme is provided by an employer you may have less control over what happens but you can still talk to a pensions adviser so you can arrange further provision if you feel the pension you get from your employer won’t meet your needs in retirement.  Your employer may provide access to a pensions adviser.

When you retire the amount you will receive depends on how much has been paid into the pension scheme (by you and your employer if they contribute), how well the investment has performed over time, and how you decide to take the money.  You can choose to be paid the money monthly as a regular payment or you can choose to take some of the money as a tax free lump sum when you retire and receive the rest by way of a monthly pension.  You can usually take up to 25% of the amount built up in any pension as a tax-free lump sum. The most you can take is currently £268,275.  The amount you can take tax free may be more if you’re eligible for a lifetime or protected allowance and you should take specialist advice to find out more.

Defined benefits pension scheme.

This is a pension scheme where the amount you’re paid is based on how many years you’ve been a member of the employer’s scheme and the salary you’ve earned when you leave or retire.  You may have also heard these kind of pensions referred to as final salary.

You might have one if you’ve worked for a large employer or in the public sector.

Your employer contributes to the scheme and is responsible for ensuring there’s enough money at the time you retire to pay your pension income.

You can contribute to the scheme too, and, depending on the scheme, this may be a requirement.  They differ from defined contributions because the amount you receive is based on the benefits you have accrued (e.g a percentage of your salary) rather than being based on the money that is in the pension fund.  For this reason many people consider that a defined benefits scheme with a Cash Equivalent Transfer Value of £100,000 is more valuable than a defined contributions pension scheme with a CETV of £100,000.

To look at it another way (we’re using round figures to make this easier to explain) if your defined benefits pension scheme terms state that you can earn up to 50% of your final salary if you do 25 years’ service and you retire after being there for 25.5 years then you will (in this simple example) be paid £20,000 a year in retirement, if your final salary was £40,000.  So the pension fund will pay you £20,000 a year until you die.  This could be for approximately 20 to 40 years (if you live to 100 or more) depending on how long you live, and how old you are when you retire (most schemes will stipulate the minimum retirement age).  So even if the Cash Equivalent Transfer Value is £325,000 the fund will guarantee paying out £400,000 if you receive £20,000 a year for 20 years.

SIPP or self invested personal pension

These are personal pensions like defined contribution pensions but they allow you to control the specific investments that make up your pension fund.  With a SIPP, you choose and manage your own investments or pay an authorised financial adviser to help you.  They can offer much wider investment options than other pension types but it is important to have specialist and regulated advice to ensure you understand what you’re doing and to ensure you work within the rules, and are aware of any potential issues that might crop up.

The assets that can be invested in include:

• company shares (UK and overseas)
• collective investments – such as open-ended investment companies (OEICs) and unit trusts
• investment trusts
• property and land – but not most residential property.

This list isn’t exhaustive – different SIPP providers offer different investment options.

You can’t usually use a SIPP to invest in residential property. But it might be possible to invest in commercial property, such as offices.

Understanding the types of pensions that people can have helps you to make informed decisions about pensions as part of your separation.  It is always sensible to get some financial advice from an Independent Financial Advisor or Chartered Financial Planner to ensure you are making decisions that are in your best interests financially.

What can we do with pensions when we get divorced

There are four main options you can choose for dealing with your pensions when you get divorced:

1. You each keep your own pensions.  If you each have similar types of pensions with similar values then you may not feel it’s appropriate to share pensions.  Or there may be reasons why you both believe that some or all of the pensions you have are non-matrimonial assets.  If you’re not sure then get some advice from a specialist family lawyer.

• Offsetting – this is where one person keeps their pension and the other person gets other assets to offset the pension value.  Whilst there can be sound reasons for thinking of this it is important to remember a couple of things:
  • Make sure you truly understand the value of the pension you’re not claiming on.  This isn’t just about the Cash Equivalent Transfer Value of the pension, it’s also about the type of pension and the benefits your ex-spouse will receive.  Make sure you take advice.
  • It can be attractive to think that you will keep a house you love and feel secure in instead of seeking a share in a pension you can’t yet claim.  But think about (and take some advice on) how you will make ends meet in retirement.  If you’re going to be forced to sell the house because you can’t afford to keep it when you retire, then it won’t give you security forever.  It’s not fun to be sat in a house that needs repairs and not be able to afford to do those repairs.  Plus if your ex has had time to save some money to buy a house then they may have a permanent home and a good pension.  If that’s the case how will you feel about that?

• Ear marking or pension attachment order – this tends to only be used in certain circumstances.  The pension being shared is retained by the person whose pension it is and an agreed share is paid to the other person every time there is a pension payment (usually monthly but this could be a lump sum).  Payments will only be made once the person whose pension it is becomes eligible.   If the person with the pension dies then the other person will usually stop receiving any money from this pension.

• Pension Sharing Order – this is where a percentage of one person’s pension is removed from their pension and paid into a pension in the other person’s name.  Depending on the terms of the pension scheme the person gaining the pension benefit would either have to set up a pension within the pension scheme the benefit was coming from, or it would have to be transferred out of the scheme to a different scheme.  The terms of the pension scheme will tell you what needs to be done in each case and should set out the costs of doing this.  Once the pension credit is transferred into a pension in the name of the pension who is receiving it, it becomes their pension and will always be their pension – even when their ex-spouse dies.

Pension sharing or pension attachment orders can only be made by a court and can’t be made informally between separating spouses. 

When you’re discussing what happens next following a decision to separate then it’s important to think about:

1. What pensions do you each have?  What are their Cash Equivalent Transfer Values and what type of schemes are they?  You will need to ask for the information if you don’t have a statement with this information that’s less than a year old.  Make sure this is done for each pension that either of you have.  You can just contact the pension provide and ask for this and they will provide you with information on how to get this.  Depending on the pension scheme it can take some time.

• Do you have questions about the pensions your ex has disclosed?  Do they cover their whole employment history?  Did you remember they have an additional pension that hasn’t been disclosed?  Sometimes people forget what pensions they have (especially if they have one from a previous position they don’t pay into any more) so always ask the questions.

• Do you know where to go to get advice on pensions?  Your lawyer will be able to advise you about the questions to ask but you should also consider taking financial advice.  If you’re not sure how to find someone then why not ask friends and family or your lawyer or mediator.

• It’s hard to talk about pensions and it can become bamboozling technical, so it can help to think about some general principles.  Do you want to make sure you both have the same income in retirement?  Do you want to make sure you both have pension funds the same size?  Remember that just because your funds are the same size it doesn’t mean you will get equal income or benefit from them.  Do you feel you have sufficient time before you both retire to improve your pension provision?  Is there an age difference between you in which case one person may have more time to pay into a pension.  These are all things to take into account and to discuss together (either between yourselves or with assistance from a mediator, or your lawyers).

Where you want to do something that requires calculations to be made about your pensions then it helps to involve an actuary.  These are pension experts who can also make complicated calculations such as how to equalise your income in retirement from the pensions you have.  They can also factor in things like paying the lowest charges if you’re going to share pensions.  They will also factor in the different benefit that different pensions schemes have.  If you have substantial pensions (the rule of thumb is pensions with a total value of over £100,000) then it’s even more important that you get specialist financial advice to make sure you are both getting the best value from decisions you make about pensions.

If you feel you need greater detail on understanding pensions then have a look at this guide. 

Positive Psychology is the science of happiness and is concerned with helping individuals flourish and thrive in life. Whereas traditional Psychology looks at what’s ‘wrong’ with people, Positive Psychology focuses on the positives and negatives equally. It focuses on what’s going well in your life, with your relationships and work and building on your strengths.

We’re all hardwired to focus more on the negative things in life… it’s called ‘negativity bias’… and it’s our brain’s way of keeping us safe. And when you’re going through a divorce, which is the second most stressful life event you can experience, it can be hard to believe that there’s anything to be positive about! But there are always things to feel positive about… it’s about bringing your focus onto those things.

The first stage of feeling happier after your divorce is acknowledging that you have the power to change your mindset and your wellbeing. Studies have shown that 40% of our happiness is within our control and only 10% is due to our circumstances (the other 50% is genetic). You’re much more in control of your own happiness than you might think.

There are many tools in Positive Psychology to help you change how you think and feel in an instant and these can be transformational. Some of these practices you’ll only need to do once to create a shift, and others will become daily practices. These small practices will all have a compounding effect over time and lead to improved happiness and wellbeing.

So here are 8 tools from the science of Positive Psychology to help you to feel happier after your divorce:

Positive Emotions brainstorm – brainstorm all the things that bring you joy and happiness in your life. What do you love doing? What makes you laugh? Who do you love to be with? What have you always wanted to do? Focus on finding the micro joys in your day… those small moments of joy in your everyday life that give you that dopamine hit and make you feel happy. Start to actively plan some of these activities into your day and week and notice how your happiness starts to increase.

Surround yourself with people who light you up – Research has shown that emotions are contagious. We’re wired to mimic the facial expressions and moods of the people we’re with. When you’re going through your divorce surround yourself with people who light you up and make you feel good about yourself. Their positivity will rub off on you. Limit your time spent with people who drain you and just want to hear the ins and outs of what’s going on in your life – that just reconnects you with all the negative emotions.

3 Good Things – This is one of the most used and well-known Positive Psychology tools. It’s been proven to significantly improve wellbeing and reduce symptoms of depression. At the end of your day write down 3 things that have gone well for you and really take the time to connect with those things and feel the emotions associated with them. Reflect on why each thing happened and your role in it. Just start with something small if you struggle to start with.

Start paying attention to the questions you’re asking yourself – Asking yourself questions like ‘why aren’t I good enough?’ or ‘What’s wrong with me?’ just puts the focus on what isn’t working well in your life and keeps you in victim mode. Instead ask yourself more empowering questions like ‘What can I do right now to improve my mood?’ or ‘What’s one thing I’m grateful for in my life right now?’. What you focus on in life is what you get so start focusing on the positives.

Random Acts of Kindness – Studies done in Positive Psychology show that 1 of the 5 side effects of kindness is an increase in happiness. When we focus on others and how we can help them, our energy shifts into the positive and we open ourselves up to a lot more happiness. There’s also a ripple effect from you showing kindness to someone… kindness is contagious. It’s not about the grand gestures either, just doing something small for someone else can really help to increase your happiness. Make the effort to simply be on the lookout for opportunities to be kind to people. Just making the conscious decision to do this will help you spot things you might have missed before.

Reframe it! – This is such a simple tool… but so effective. It’s a powerful technique that you can use at any time in your life to dial down the intensity of any negative emotions you may be feeling. It does take practice but becomes so much easier over time. You’re retraining your brain to naturally focus more on the positives. The first stage of using this reframing technique, is to become conscious of the thoughts you’re having and where your focus is.

Then flip those thoughts and reframe them. Ask yourself what’s one good thing, or positive thing about the situation. There will always be something.

Celebrate your wins – This helps to foster a sense of accomplishment which is essential for us to flourish and thrive in life. Research in positive psychology has shown that celebrating the small wins, and more frequently, has a bigger impact than waiting for the big thing to celebrate. It can feel like you have a mountain to climb when you’re going through a divorce so it’s important to celebrate all the small steps and wins along the way. It helps to build momentum and encourages you to keep going so you can find happiness again and the life you deserve. It boosts your mood and confidence which keeps you motivated on the tough days.

Best possible self exercise – This tool is a powerful way of changing your mindset about the future and feeling more optimism about it. One of the most difficult things when you’re going through a divorce is imagining what your future will look like without your ex and this can be overwhelming, especially if it’s not something you wanted. Take some time to sit down and journal or visualise what your life would look like if everything has turned out in the best possible way. This helps you to identify what you really want and then you can set yourself goals and start working towards that. Keep coming back to the exercise to gain more clarity over time.

Sarah Woodward is a multi-award-winning Breakup and Divorce coach and supports you through the emotional and practical challenges of your breakup so that you can make divorce your happy ever after.

She is also a Positive Psychology Coach, a qualified Personal and Business Coach and a Narcissism Trained Coach with additional training to support clients who are in abusive relationships.

You can contact her at sarah@sarah-woodward.com. For more resources, or to book a free clarity call to chat about how coaching could support you, go to her website www.sarah-woodward.com

You can download her free guide: Make divorce the best thing that’s ever happened to you here: https://sarah-woodward.co.uk/make-divorce-the-best-thing-thats-ever-happened-to-you

Going through a separation is a really scary time with many uncertainties about what will happen and what the likely outcome will be. Many believe that going to court will somehow right the injustices that they have suffered, and ensure that there is an outcome that they are happy with. There can be great shock at how little time they spend with a Judge, and how that Judge will ignore issues that may seem important, grievous or significant to the people they relate to (because that is the Judge’s job to cut to the issues). Before embarking on a court application many people think that they will get a hearing date relatively quickly, and/or that things will be resolved by attending court once. It can be very disheartening to learn that you need to attend a number of court hearings to get things resolved, and that there can be many months of waiting for hearing dates. It is not uncommon for hearings you have waited months for to then be cancelled at the last meeting and this is psychologically challenging to deal with when you have been focused on that date for some time. The new date could again be months into the future.

The changes address the issues with the MIAM requirement not being taken seriously all the time, and set a very clear tone that the could be a last resort for most and certainly not the first step.  The government wants only those who really need the courts to use them as this will ensure the availability of Judges and court time for those that really need them.

So what are the changes? From now any party applying to the court for assistance with resolving a family issue (whether that is finance or children related or both) has to show what they have done to resolve issues without going to court.  This is NOT a tick box exercise as the new form FM5 that they are required to provide contains boxes to explain what has been done so it quite literally isn’t just about ticking boxes.

This requirement will be looked at by Judges (who are getting further training) and costs orders can be made where one person has unreasonably refused to engage in Non-Court Dispute Resolution.  You may have seen the term NCDR for short. There are, of course, exemptions for victims of Domestic Abuse as some of the Non-Court Dispute Resolution processes may not be appropriate for them. If this is you and you particularly have concerns about mediation then please know that mediators NEVER bring two people together in the same room (whether a physical or online room) without having seen you both individually for a meeting to assess whether it would be safe, appropriate and suitable to do so.

What does NCDR mean?  Well mediation is one big part of this (and there is much information about mediation on this site) but it also includes:

• Collaborative practice (where you talk about issues in meetings like mediation but where you each have a specially trained lawyer that supports you and you all agree that things will be resolved in that process, and not in court);
• Tools to assist you in negotiation such as getting an expert solicitor or barrister to give you their opinion on the right outcome to help you move pass points where you are stuck.  This is called an Early Neutral Evaluation.
• Arbitration – this is where a private judge (who is usually a solicitor or barrister who has done other qualifications) decides things for you.  That might be everything or it might be just the bits you’re stuck on.  
• You could also use an Arbitrator to have a Private Financial Dispute Resolution hearing to help you negotiate by telling you what they think the likely outcome is.  This is what a Judge does in a Financial Dispute Resolution hearing but a private judge gives you their full attention and time, and you will usually be able to arrange this more quickly than waiting for the court timetable to get to that point
• But crucially it isn’t just limited to these things.  If you can show you have tried to address things outside of court then this may count to.  To be clear though, there is a big difference for everyone between “my solicitor wrote 3 letters” and “my ex and I have had several meetings over a few months and narrowed down our issues”.

The single most important thing that you need to know if you’re going through a separation, is that you must show what you have done to resolve issues without the court and this must be clear about demonstrating the efforts that have been made. Without this you run the risk of costs orders being made.  Your mediator should give you information about these processes at a MIAMS meeting and if you’re instructing a lawyer they should give you information to. If either person doesn’t then ask!

If you truly want to understand more about all the NCDR options and their advantages and disadvantages then you may find the (Almost) Anything But the Family Court book by Jo O’Sullivan useful. There’s also a digital edition of the book.

The simple truth is that when your partner tells you they want to separate, or you make the decision to end your relationship, it doesn’t mean that love immediately evaporates into thin air. Sometimes it moved out a long time ago and other times it still sits there; the elephant in the room. Part of what we do in mediation is naming that elephant and looking it in the eye so this seemed to be a blog that needed to be written.

We all grow up with different experiences of love. We may have had parents who openly expressed their love and affection for each other. Alternatively, we may have had parents who frowned on such things but who were still kind and polite to each other. Equally some of us may have been brought up in families where love didn’t feel safe or like something you would want to embrace at all. Since we all have different life experiences we all have different feelings about love and responses to it.

We have the romantics who love a truly a romantic, soul driven love connection. The story of Romeo and Juliet’s forbidden love is a classic but this scenario has been played out in so many other stories. I think the ones that immediately come to me are Angel and Buffy, or Sadie and Kevin in the Across the Barricades books by Joan Lingard. Am I showing my age and teenage experiences? If we think Disney too then we were brought up on messages that love conquers everything: racism, religious intolerance, angry parents and all manner of other situations.

As you get older you realise that things are rarely so black and white and that love does not always conquer. Indeed abuse, narcissistic personality disorder, differences in parenting and a family that does not like your spouse are some of the things that my work tells me it’s pretty darn hard for love to conquer.

One of the things that fascinates me is about the way that we express our love for people in our lives (be it our partner, our children or other family and friends). I love the 5 languages of love as this makes so much sense to me. You can make the most earnest declarations of love but if you’re saying it in Italian and your partner only speaks Mandarin they won’t know or appreciate how you feel. The 5 languages of love runs along this theme. The idea is that there are 5 love languages: acts of servitude, gifts, quality time, physical touch and words of affirmation. We all like to have love spoken to us in our primary love language. But we tend to express love in our primary language rather than in the language that is our partner (or child or other person’s) primary language. This can lead to the person we’re expressing love to not hearing what we’re trying to say. As you might imagine I see this quite a lot in my work and it’s something that often crops up when I hear people talk about difficulties in the relationships in their lives.

I have also for some years been intrigued by the commonly held myth that love can turn to hate in a heartbeat. I don’t believe it. I believe that one of the messy truths in life is that you can still love someone even though other people don’t want you to, and even though you are disgusted with yourself for feeling that way. Still feeling that intensity of emotion when you’d rather not means it’s easier to talk about hating someone but it is not always this clear cut – much as might prefer it to be.

Some clients have shared with me along the way that although their ex has behaved in an unkind, hurtful and disrespectful way they would still get back together in a heartbeat. More than one person has told me that they used to think about this happening to help them get to sleep.

So what can you do when you still love your ex but desperately don’t want to?

1. Acknowledge how you feel (to yourself – you’re not obliged to share unless you feel it would be helpful to do so) and accept that love and emotions are complicated and this may be the case for a while. You may always love them although the intensity and nature of your love might change over time. If you have children with your ex there will forever be a connection between the two of you and you may feel that you will always love them for the fact that you created children together. This is natural and normal.
2. Much as people may want to feel that they “got over” a long relationship in a few short months the reality is more likely to be a couple of years than a couple of months. You may not feel such intense pain for all of that time but it may be a longer adjustment than you might think. Time doesn’t automatically heal but it can give some perspective that changes the emotions. Different people have different experiences so it won’t necessarily be the same for you as it is for someone else.
3. If you are finding it really difficult to manage your emotions on a day to day basis, or to function in daily life then you might find you need professional support. Since divorce and separation are the third most stressful life event anybody goes through there is zero shame in this. Talking to a professional in a safe space can help you to talk about and understand how you’re feeling. They may also be able to help you develop healthy coping mechanisms whilst you work through your grief.

If this blog resonates then I would love to know. I’d also love to know what the most powerful love stories you watched or read about when you were growing up were? What did you learn about love from these?

If you feel you could do with a pick me up at this difficult time then you can sign up for 5 days of loving and inspiring messages directly into your inbox from us at LKW Family Mediation. There’s a bit of separation support thrown in too. If you’d like to know more about family mediation then we have some information for you.

It’s a truth universally acknowledged (by family mediators anyway), that mediation has many benefits.  For example, it is widely accepted that family mediation is quicker, more cost effective and less acrimonious than going to court. 

Here are three further benefits to family mediation that you might not have thought of:

1. It is empowering

You are in control when you come to mediation.  You can choose the mediator, someone you feel you can work with and trust.  You can choose the topics you wish to discuss with your ex-partner in mediation and when you want to discuss them.  Also, if you want to, you can step back from mediation at any time.  It is a completely voluntary process. 

In mediation, all decisions are made by the parties.  The mediator will not tell you what to do.  This also means that you are in control about what your future looks like. 

2. It will help your communication

Mediation provides an environment where the parties can talk to one another, openly and honestly.  Both parties are given an equal opportunity to speak and to listen to what the other person has to say.  Mediation offers a chance to press the re-set button on your communication issues, so that everyone feels heard and the way forward can be discussed in a more positive manner. 

3.You have nothing to lose

Mediators will encourage their clients to go into mediation with a positive and open mind.  There is a real chance to reach a resolution.  However, if you cannot agree on a way forward, the discussions that have taken place within mediation will not affect your legal rights and cannot be referred to outside of the mediation process.  You have lost nothing by trying. 

I thought about this for a bit and then recorded this 3 1/2 minute video that hopefully sums up the most commonly asked questions.  If I haven’t answered one of your questions then please feel free to comment your question below and I’ll come back and answer it.

• The starting point is do you have issues that need resolving as a result of your separation?  These might be to do with money, or your children, or both.  Or they might be linked to possessions you have.  If you don’t have any issues that need resolving then you don’t need to worry.  If there are issues that need resolving then the question is how you can resolve these issues together.  You might not feel like you’ll be able to work together but you can factor that into what process might be right for you.  Some people need more professional support than others.  Sometimes people need more support at the beginning but after some time they are more able to work issues out themselves.  This blog talks about whether you might be able to resolve things yourselves (with support).
• The first question to ask yourself is whether you need to apply to the court for the protection of the court?  This could be because you are in a very vulnerable situation financially, or because you are fearful that your child’s other parent might take your children out of the country and not come back.  If this is the case then you need to know what the rules say about applying to the court and mediation and you can find out all about this in this blog.
• If you don’t need urgent protection from the court then it’s helpful to know that there are other processes that exist to help you resolve all the issues that are cropping up.  Everyone’s situation can be different so that’s why there is more than one process.  You can find out about all the process that exist to help separating couples in this blog.
• If having read more about the different DR processes you have an idea of what is the right process for you then go for it.  You can ask your lawyer how to get started.  If you don’t yet have a lawyer then you can find one here.  If mediation feels right for you (or you think it’s worth finding out more about it).  Then you can find a mediator using the same link as for finding a lawyer, or you can find a mediator via the Family Mediation Council. Remember that if you feel a process isn’t working for you then you can always move processes.

If you still feel that you’re in a bit of confusion over what to do next then it could be that it’s because you’re feeling overwhelmed by your separation generally.  If you feel unsupported and that you don’t know which way to turn then the following might help:

• Talk to your GP about a referral for counselling.  Divorce and separation are one of the most difficult life events that people go through.  There is no shame in needing a safe space to off load about the challenges you’re facing.  Feeling more emotionally equipped will benefit you in resolving all the issues you need to.
• An initial appointment with a mediator or a lawyer may help to answer the questions you have about the way forward.  It doesn’t commit you to a particular process but it may help you to feel less stuck or overwhelmed.
• Read more about separation and the different options.  Resolution’s website is a good place to start.  You may also find this book helpful: 101 questions answered about separation with children 
• Sign up to our completely free mailing list.  Anyone can do this – you don’t have to be a client of ours.  You can guidance and support on managing your separation as constructively and peacefully as possible every fortnight.
• Join our online community for free support from others going through a separation and professionals who offer their support and guidance to the community for free.

If you’re a fan of flow charts then this one we’ve put together to talk you through the process of whether you need to mediate might be helpful (it’s the first flow chart we’ve ever put together so be kind now!).

Do I have to mediate?

In this blog we’re looking at the different processes that exist to help couples who are separating to resolve all the issues that crop up.  Why?  Well because it’s important you understand all the paths you can go down before you decide which one is right for you.  If you don’t want to mediate then it can be helpful to look at which process might work best for you instead.  It’s also important to understand which processes put you both in charge of what happens next, and which processes mean somebody else makes decisions about that for you.

Mediation

Mediation is a process that brings you both together to talk about what happens next following your separation.  A mediator takes you through the process and explains things so you understand where you are and what the next steps are.  The mediator can also help to keep your discussions structured and on the same point before moving forward.  They can also help suggest options that you might not have thought about.   Mediation is usually the quickest and most cost efficient way of resolving issues.  You are completely in control of what happens next for you, and your children.  If you have worries about mediation then it’s important to note that mediation is a really flexible process and it is possible to have any of the following safeguards put in place:

• You and your ex-partner arriving and leaving the meeting separately so there is no chance of you meeting in the car park, or being asked about things you said.
• You can mediate online via a video conferencing facility like Zoom so you are in separate places during the meeting
• You can mediate in separate rooms so you never come face to face.  This can be done online, or offline.  Shuttle mediation can be less effective as you’re not hearing what each other say but it can also be the difference between being able to mediate and not being able to mediate for some people.
• You don’t need to make decisions in the mediation room.  It’s a place to talk about options so you can go away and consider them, and get any legal or financial advice that you need.
• Before you write off mediation as an option ensure you talk to the mediator about the things that worry you and see how they might address the issues so you can feel reassured.  An initial meeting with a mediator takes place with you on your own and it doesn’t commit you to undertaking joint meetings with your ex partner.  It will enable you to understand the process, to find out what safeguards can be put in place and allow you to meet the mediator and to discuss the options open to you.

Collaborative practice

This process is a bit like mediation in the sense that you get together and talk about things round a table.  You are in control of what happens next for you, and your children.  But instead of having one mediator you each have a specially trained lawyer who supports you in the process and again helps to inform and structure your discussions.  It’s a very open process with lawyers giving open and not positional legal advice.  Everybody involved, including the lawyers, agrees that a resolution will be found within that process and you won’t need to go to court.

Negotiation

This can mean different things but essentially it means you both coming together to discuss what happens next to help you find a resolution to the various issues you each see.  It puts you both in control of what happens next.  It can involve any of the following (or a combination of different options):

• You both talking together either with just the two of you, or with a trusted friend or family member (or someone more arms length such as a priest or Iman) to talk about the issues and what could happen next.
• Lawyers negotiating on your behalf – but with input from you as lawyers work on your instructions, they can’t just find a solution without talking to you.
• It can also include a round table meeting with your lawyers present to negate the need to send letters.  Again this can speed things up because you can talk about things “live” rather than waiting for letters to pass between you.  Any miscommunications can also be clarified more quickly than by letter meaning they are less likely to escalate into conflict.

The above processes leave you in control of the outcome.  The processes set out below will mean someone else decides some or all of your issues for you.  This can be a tempting option when finding a solution you can both agree on feels like an uphill battle.  But remember any person deciding matters will not know you and will only have had access to certain pieces of information about you.  Neither of you may like the decision they make and you have then lost the ability to make your own compromises.

Court

Most people have some level of understanding about the court process.  It involves the Judge deciding what happens next for you.  Sometimes people are not aware of the fact that there are usually 2 or 3 court hearings spread over a period of potentially a year or more before the Judge makes a decision.  It can be expensive to have a final hearing if you are instructing lawyers.  Equally having a final hearing (where a Judge makes a decision) can be daunting if you don’t have a lawyer as you usually have to ask each other questions about the information you’ve each provided (called cross-examination).  Going to court can be a stressful process as you wait for hearing dates.  Hearings can also sometimes be cancelled at short notice if there is a lack of Judges or problems at the court.  You all use the same process regardless of whether you have only one issue or many issues, and regardless of whether you have many or only a few financial assets.

Arbitration

This is a bit like private court proceedings as you appoint a qualified arbitrator (a solicitor or barrister with experience in family law who has undertaken the arbitration qualification course).   You can tailor this process more to your individual situation so if you only have a house, a pension and a salary each then you may find completing the lengthy form E unnecessary.  You can also ask the arbitrator to make a decision within a set time frame to save you waiting for lengthy court hearings.   This can mean you get an outcome more quickly but you still lose the ability to decide things for yourself.  You will also have to pay the arbitrator as well as your lawyer.

The question for all separating couples is which process will work best for you?  This will depend on various factors.  A number of processes exist because there is no “one size fits all” approach to separation.  Different situations require different processes.  It may also be possible to use a hybrid process where you use two different processes working together to help you.   Sometimes when people say they don’t want to attend mediation, what they really mean is that they want someone else to resolve the issues for them because it feels too hard.  But issues relating to separation cannot be resolved without input from both parties (save for as a last resort by a Judge making a final decision that will bind both parties) because you need to provide information about your situation to establish what options might be right for you.  For example, a couple with equity in their home of £600,000 may be able to sell this and buy two properties – one for each of them.  But a couple with equity of only £100,000 may not have this option open to them.  With regard to issues concerning your children you are best placed, as parents, to know what will work best for your children, and so using a process that enables you to come together as parents and talk about what arrangements you will put in place is likely to give the best possible outcome for your children.

In next week’s blog we’ll be pulling the threads together to help you work through the question of whether you have to go mediation and identify concerns relevant to you.  In the meantime, if you’d like support and guidance coming into your inbox every fortnight then why not sign up to our free mailing list?  You can also download our free mini guide to separation to help you understand your next steps.

You can watch a video I put together about this and/or read the blog below.

The first piece of important information is that parents are permitted to leave their homes to transport their child or children to the other parent’s house.  The government made something of a dog’s dinner of clarifying this situation so it’s important to note that this point may not be clear.  The only exception to this would be if there were symptoms of COVID-19 (i.e a high temperature or a dry cough) in one parent’s house when the child was there.  In which case the child would be part of that household self-isolating for 14 days and would not then be able to go to the other parent’s house.  If the child developed symptoms then they would need to self-isolate for 7 days, even if this took them over the original 14 days.

So potentially a parent may not see their child for 21 days if the child ended up self-isolating with the other parent.  This is tough.  Especially so for parents who share care of their children through the week so they never go more than a few days without seeing the child.

There are also difficult decisions to be made for those families whose households include a member who is in the vulnerable category.  This could be a parent with asthma or a lung condition (or other ongoing health condition) or a grandparent living in the same household who is over 70.  In these circumstances there may be difficult decisions to make about whether you continue to co-parent as usual during this difficult time.  Having a child moving between households could potentially pose an increased risk to a vulnerable person that needs to be considered.  There simply aren’t right or wrong answers in this situation and it’s important that you give thought to what is right for your family.  You may wish to give some thought to:

• If the vulnerable member of your household is an older or vulnerable relative is there another family member they can stay with at this time to prevent the increased risk being past to them of the child going between houses; or is it possible for them to be isolated within your household i.e having their own room and bathroom away from others?
• Is there an increased risk posed by the other parent’s household?  Are they a key worker continuing to go out to work and mix with others who are potentially carrying the virus?  Or are they staying at home and not going out and so of a lower risk?
• How might your child feel if they were not able to see the other parent for some time?  How do they cope with changes to their routine? For children diagnosed with ASD even small changed in their routines can have a big impact.
• Can you mitigate the difficulties for the child with the use of regular video chats by Facetime or what’s app or other such technology?  These technologies are also useful if a child ends up self-isolating with one parent and unable to see the other.  You can be really creative with these.  I am aware of clients using these for chats and discussions, home schooling and reading stories for quite long chunks of time.
• Can you re-jig your current routine to provide for time with each parent in a way that poses less of a risk to other members of each household?  This might include longer periods of time with each parent.
• Many mediators are carrying on helping those going through (or who have been through) a separation and so if you’re finding it hard to work out these challenging issues then consider using family mediation as a safe space to have difficult discussions.  Meetings would need to take place online but can be a useful way of exploring and understanding all the options and finding a mutually palatable way forward.

It’s important to remember that your situation is your situation and whilst it may cause you both some upset and anxiety the object is to find a way forward everyone can live with.  This situation won’t be forever and a solution is a temporary fix to a unique set of circumstances.  Don’t worry about what others are doing but focus on what will work for you.  Be creative and innovative in finding a solution to your particular challenges.  As long as it works for you no one will interfere with it.  Please get in touch if you feel you could do with some professional guidance and support.