Hands up all the perfect parents out there. What? No-one. That’s right. There are no perfect parents. Hardly groundbreaking news but sometimes it’s worth remembering writes Emma Ingham. Parents are just people, trying to do their best, but sometimes – even a lot of the time – making mistakes. And the feeling of making mistakes can be heightened when you are going through a separation and potentially arguing with your ex-partner. Sometimes these arguments will happen in front of your children. Not ideal, granted, but let’s be realistic. Is it bad to argue in front of your children? Well, yes and no. It all depends on how you do it.
According to the Gottman Institute “it is OK to argue in front of kids some of the time. It can actually be good for them. But the kind of argument you’re having and how you communicate your thoughts and feelings makes a BIG difference.”
If there is a difference of opinion on a certain issue, ensuring that communication remains calm and respectful is essential. Disagreements are a reality of not only family life but life in general. Children will experience their own disagreements and conflicts with their friends and siblings, and in the future with their own partners. They need to learn how to deal with those conflicts by experiencing productive and positive communication, and how this can lead to a resolution.
However, those at the Gottman Institute also recognise that if children are frequently exposed to incidents of high conflict, they can become “anxious, distressed, sad, angry, and depressed. These feelings result in sleep disturbances, poor performance at school, and difficulty focusing. In the longer term, these kids may become unable to manage conflict and form healthy adult relationships”.
It is therefore really important to be aware of how your interactions with one another are managed. Here are some tips:
- Being civil with each other really matters to your children. Acknowledging one another, making eye contact and entering into small talk at handovers shows your children that you are able to put your differences to one side, to make things easier for them.
- Don’t make things personal. Avoid speaking negatively about your ex-partner, either in front of them or in the presence of your children. Your children know that they are half you and half their other parent and hearing negative views about either one of you can affect how they see themselves.
- If there is something particularly difficult that you need to discuss, and you anticipate the conversation may not go well, schedule a mutually convenient time for you and your ex-partner to sit down and talk it through, away from the children (i.e they are not in the house at the time). The opportunity for them to overhear or experience any conflict is then taken away. If you feel that some support is needed to reach a resolution, consider exploring the option of mediation. This process can provide a safe and professional environment to discuss the issues that you are struggling with, with the help of an impartial third party. For parents who have not accessed the provision before, the Ministry of Justice provides a Voucher Scheme whereby parents can access £500 towards their joint mediation costs when they wish to discuss arrangements for their children in mediation. For further information see the link below or get in touch with us on 01306 320520 or via admin@lkwfamilymediation.co.uk as we can claim the voucher for you.
Family Mediation Voucher Scheme – GOV.UK
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