Positive Psychology is the science of happiness and is concerned with helping individuals flourish and thrive in life. Whereas traditional Psychology looks at what’s ‘wrong’ with people, Positive Psychology focuses on the positives and negatives equally. It focuses on what’s going well in your life, with your relationships and work and building on your strengths.

We’re all hardwired to focus more on the negative things in life… it’s called ‘negativity bias’… and it’s our brain’s way of keeping us safe. And when you’re going through a divorce, which is the second most stressful life event you can experience, it can be hard to believe that there’s anything to be positive about! But there are always things to feel positive about… it’s about bringing your focus onto those things.

The first stage of feeling happier after your divorce is acknowledging that you have the power to change your mindset and your wellbeing. Studies have shown that 40% of our happiness is within our control and only 10% is due to our circumstances (the other 50% is genetic). You’re much more in control of your own happiness than you might think.

There are many tools in Positive Psychology to help you change how you think and feel in an instant and these can be transformational. Some of these practices you’ll only need to do once to create a shift, and others will become daily practices. These small practices will all have a compounding effect over time and lead to improved happiness and wellbeing.

So here are 8 tools from the science of Positive Psychology to help you to feel happier after your divorce:

Positive Emotions brainstorm – brainstorm all the things that bring you joy and happiness in your life. What do you love doing? What makes you laugh? Who do you love to be with? What have you always wanted to do? Focus on finding the micro joys in your day… those small moments of joy in your everyday life that give you that dopamine hit and make you feel happy. Start to actively plan some of these activities into your day and week and notice how your happiness starts to increase.

Surround yourself with people who light you up – Research has shown that emotions are contagious. We’re wired to mimic the facial expressions and moods of the people we’re with. When you’re going through your divorce surround yourself with people who light you up and make you feel good about yourself. Their positivity will rub off on you. Limit your time spent with people who drain you and just want to hear the ins and outs of what’s going on in your life – that just reconnects you with all the negative emotions.

3 Good Things – This is one of the most used and well-known Positive Psychology tools. It’s been proven to significantly improve wellbeing and reduce symptoms of depression. At the end of your day write down 3 things that have gone well for you and really take the time to connect with those things and feel the emotions associated with them. Reflect on why each thing happened and your role in it. Just start with something small if you struggle to start with.

Start paying attention to the questions you’re asking yourself – Asking yourself questions like ‘why aren’t I good enough?’ or ‘What’s wrong with me?’ just puts the focus on what isn’t working well in your life and keeps you in victim mode. Instead ask yourself more empowering questions like ‘What can I do right now to improve my mood?’ or ‘What’s one thing I’m grateful for in my life right now?’. What you focus on in life is what you get so start focusing on the positives.

Random Acts of Kindness – Studies done in Positive Psychology show that 1 of the 5 side effects of kindness is an increase in happiness. When we focus on others and how we can help them, our energy shifts into the positive and we open ourselves up to a lot more happiness. There’s also a ripple effect from you showing kindness to someone… kindness is contagious. It’s not about the grand gestures either, just doing something small for someone else can really help to increase your happiness. Make the effort to simply be on the lookout for opportunities to be kind to people. Just making the conscious decision to do this will help you spot things you might have missed before.

Reframe it! – This is such a simple tool… but so effective. It’s a powerful technique that you can use at any time in your life to dial down the intensity of any negative emotions you may be feeling. It does take practice but becomes so much easier over time. You’re retraining your brain to naturally focus more on the positives. The first stage of using this reframing technique, is to become conscious of the thoughts you’re having and where your focus is.

Then flip those thoughts and reframe them. Ask yourself what’s one good thing, or positive thing about the situation. There will always be something.

Celebrate your wins – This helps to foster a sense of accomplishment which is essential for us to flourish and thrive in life. Research in positive psychology has shown that celebrating the small wins, and more frequently, has a bigger impact than waiting for the big thing to celebrate. It can feel like you have a mountain to climb when you’re going through a divorce so it’s important to celebrate all the small steps and wins along the way. It helps to build momentum and encourages you to keep going so you can find happiness again and the life you deserve. It boosts your mood and confidence which keeps you motivated on the tough days.

Best possible self exercise – This tool is a powerful way of changing your mindset about the future and feeling more optimism about it. One of the most difficult things when you’re going through a divorce is imagining what your future will look like without your ex and this can be overwhelming, especially if it’s not something you wanted. Take some time to sit down and journal or visualise what your life would look like if everything has turned out in the best possible way. This helps you to identify what you really want and then you can set yourself goals and start working towards that. Keep coming back to the exercise to gain more clarity over time.

Sarah Woodward is a multi-award-winning Breakup and Divorce coach and supports you through the emotional and practical challenges of your breakup so that you can make divorce your happy ever after.

She is also a Positive Psychology Coach, a qualified Personal and Business Coach and a Narcissism Trained Coach with additional training to support clients who are in abusive relationships.

You can contact her at sarah@sarah-woodward.com. For more resources, or to book a free clarity call to chat about how coaching could support you, go to her website www.sarah-woodward.com

You can download her free guide: Make divorce the best thing that’s ever happened to you here: https://sarah-woodward.co.uk/make-divorce-the-best-thing-thats-ever-happened-to-you

Going through a separation is a really scary time with many uncertainties about what will happen and what the likely outcome will be. Many believe that going to court will somehow right the injustices that they have suffered, and ensure that there is an outcome that they are happy with. There can be great shock at how little time they spend with a Judge, and how that Judge will ignore issues that may seem important, grievous or significant to the people they relate to (because that is the Judge’s job to cut to the issues). Before embarking on a court application many people think that they will get a hearing date relatively quickly, and/or that things will be resolved by attending court once. It can be very disheartening to learn that you need to attend a number of court hearings to get things resolved, and that there can be many months of waiting for hearing dates. It is not uncommon for hearings you have waited months for to then be cancelled at the last meeting and this is psychologically challenging to deal with when you have been focused on that date for some time. The new date could again be months into the future.

The changes address the issues with the MIAM requirement not being taken seriously all the time, and set a very clear tone that the could be a last resort for most and certainly not the first step.  The government wants only those who really need the courts to use them as this will ensure the availability of Judges and court time for those that really need them.

So what are the changes? From now any party applying to the court for assistance with resolving a family issue (whether that is finance or children related or both) has to show what they have done to resolve issues without going to court.  This is NOT a tick box exercise as the new form FM5 that they are required to provide contains boxes to explain what has been done so it quite literally isn’t just about ticking boxes.

This requirement will be looked at by Judges (who are getting further training) and costs orders can be made where one person has unreasonably refused to engage in Non-Court Dispute Resolution.  You may have seen the term NCDR for short. There are, of course, exemptions for victims of Domestic Abuse as some of the Non-Court Dispute Resolution processes may not be appropriate for them. If this is you and you particularly have concerns about mediation then please know that mediators NEVER bring two people together in the same room (whether a physical or online room) without having seen you both individually for a meeting to assess whether it would be safe, appropriate and suitable to do so.

What does NCDR mean?  Well mediation is one big part of this (and there is much information about mediation on this site) but it also includes:

• Collaborative practice (where you talk about issues in meetings like mediation but where you each have a specially trained lawyer that supports you and you all agree that things will be resolved in that process, and not in court);
• Tools to assist you in negotiation such as getting an expert solicitor or barrister to give you their opinion on the right outcome to help you move pass points where you are stuck.  This is called an Early Neutral Evaluation.
• Arbitration – this is where a private judge (who is usually a solicitor or barrister who has done other qualifications) decides things for you.  That might be everything or it might be just the bits you’re stuck on.  
• You could also use an Arbitrator to have a Private Financial Dispute Resolution hearing to help you negotiate by telling you what they think the likely outcome is.  This is what a Judge does in a Financial Dispute Resolution hearing but a private judge gives you their full attention and time, and you will usually be able to arrange this more quickly than waiting for the court timetable to get to that point
• But crucially it isn’t just limited to these things.  If you can show you have tried to address things outside of court then this may count to.  To be clear though, there is a big difference for everyone between “my solicitor wrote 3 letters” and “my ex and I have had several meetings over a few months and narrowed down our issues”.

The single most important thing that you need to know if you’re going through a separation, is that you must show what you have done to resolve issues without the court and this must be clear about demonstrating the efforts that have been made. Without this you run the risk of costs orders being made.  Your mediator should give you information about these processes at a MIAMS meeting and if you’re instructing a lawyer they should give you information to. If either person doesn’t then ask!

If you truly want to understand more about all the NCDR options and their advantages and disadvantages then you may find the (Almost) Anything But the Family Court book by Jo O’Sullivan useful. There’s also a digital edition of the book.

Here are some helpful tips from Michelle Rumsey on how to manage the Christmas period:

• Communication: Open and honest communication between co-parents is key. Start the conversation as soon as possible. If you haven’t had it already then you definitely need to start now. Creating space and time to explore different options. Think about how this change will impact both of you.
• Children always being at the forefront of your mind: Each child is unique and has different needs depending on developmental age, relationship with extended family, friends locally, hobbies, parties. What is best for your child/ren? How can you create new happy memories? What can you both do to help your children be excited about Christmas rather than apprehensive about the changes?
• Plan: Create a plan together in how you communicate best, face to face, email, telephone. Be specific about drop offs and pick ups and what will happen each day over the holidays. Christmas extends over 2 weeks for children.  Whilst it’s natural to see Christmas day as the main event you can do the same things as a family on any other day in the Christmas holidays and most children won’t object to having two days of celebration!

• Be flexible: Children’s needs come first, at the last minute they may be invited to a party or they may want to see a grandparent or they may be unwell. It is important communication doesn’t stop after the plan has been agreed. Changes sometimes happen we can not plan for although it can help to think about what bumps in the road might crop up and talk about how you would deal with them.
• Once agreed on a plan: Put this in writing, you are all clear on the arrangements, communication and expectations.
• Keep the children informed: Depending on Childrens age and needs ask the children what they would like, let them express their preferences and hopes. Involved them, if appropriate, in the planning. Children often have creative ways of managing things and it can be empowering for them to know they’ve been involved in some of the decision making.
• Alternate years: Many parents find it helpful to alternate Christmas arrangements each year. For example, one parent has the Children on Christmas day this year and the other parent has them the next year. This way, both parents get to celebrate with the children on special occasions. Some parents set things up so that the children are with one parent on Christmas Day, and the other on Boxing Day and it changes each year. What will work best for your family?
• Stay positive: Remember that holiday arrangements can be challenging, but maintaining a positive approach and cooperation will create a better experience for everyone. It can always take time for new things to feel normal especially after a big change like a divorce or separation.

• Be sensitive: The change and unknown of the first Christmas after separation can create different emotions, negative and positive. Be sensitive to everyone’s emotions and understand emotions are challenged and change. You and your co-parent might be experiencing different emotions but it help to treat the way you each feel as being valid.

If you find it difficult to reach an agreement on your own, consider Mediation to help support this discussion. Mediation can help facilitate discussions and reach a resolution that feels fair to everyone involved. Your children can also have their say in the mediation process so that you factor in their ideas. This is generally for children of 10 and older and only happens where both parents and the children want it to but it can be a useful way of ensuring everyone’s voices are heard in the arrangements that you make. The goal is to make the Christmas season as memorable for your children and yourselves as possible and that can sometimes require some creativity and to think outside the box about what will work for you.

Dealing with the breakdown of a relationship can be heart breaking at the best of times but if you are going through a divorce and you didn’t want to separate, it can be overwhelming.  If this sounds familiar, here are a few ways mediation can help;

• Give yourself time – In mediation, you will never feel rushed into making any decisions or changes until you feel ready.  It is your process and mediation will proceed at a pace both parties feel comfortable with.  Your mediator will talk to you both about the Grief Cycle.  It is common for two people to be on very different points on this Cycle and your mediator will be able to support you with this. 

• Get support – your mediator will offer a safe space for you to voice your worries and concerns about the future.  They will also be able to sign post other organisations that can offer your support, like co-parenting workshops, therapeutic support and legal advice. 

• Take control – the decision to separate may have been taken out of your hands.  There will, however, be plenty of other decisions that need to be made going forwards.  If you and your spouse can discuss matters in mediation and agree a way forward, this means that you have taken control as to what the future is going to look like, even if it is different to what you thought it was going to be.    

• Be realistic – you may be eager to move past this painful period in your life, but it is important that any agreement you reach is sustainable and realistic.  Your mediator will support you with this and raise any issues that he or she can foresee causing difficulties ahead.

It’s a truth universally acknowledged (by family mediators anyway), that mediation has many benefits.  For example, it is widely accepted that family mediation is quicker, more cost effective and less acrimonious than going to court. 

Here are three further benefits to family mediation that you might not have thought of:

1. It is empowering

You are in control when you come to mediation.  You can choose the mediator, someone you feel you can work with and trust.  You can choose the topics you wish to discuss with your ex-partner in mediation and when you want to discuss them.  Also, if you want to, you can step back from mediation at any time.  It is a completely voluntary process. 

In mediation, all decisions are made by the parties.  The mediator will not tell you what to do.  This also means that you are in control about what your future looks like. 

2. It will help your communication

Mediation provides an environment where the parties can talk to one another, openly and honestly.  Both parties are given an equal opportunity to speak and to listen to what the other person has to say.  Mediation offers a chance to press the re-set button on your communication issues, so that everyone feels heard and the way forward can be discussed in a more positive manner. 

3.You have nothing to lose

Mediators will encourage their clients to go into mediation with a positive and open mind.  There is a real chance to reach a resolution.  However, if you cannot agree on a way forward, the discussions that have taken place within mediation will not affect your legal rights and cannot be referred to outside of the mediation process.  You have lost nothing by trying. 

1. I believe it is the nub of many disputes to understand and unpick this.
2. I think given the current situation with coronavirus buttons are being pressed a lot at the moment.  Partly because we are on edge anyway, but also because if you’re living in the same house as an ex partner, there is simply nowhere else to go currently.
3. This has been a journey of personal self-discovery for me and I have been looking a lot at what pushes my buttons.

Firstly, what do I mean by pressing a button?  I tend to explain it to clients that somebody says or does something (or sometimes doesn’t say or do something) and you instantly feel that rising sensation of anger (or hurt or frustration).  I know in myself that sometimes it feels like you’re a lion and someone has stepped on your wounded paw.  You can go from resting and relaxed to spitting angry in a fraction of a second.  It is not always as extreme as this.  There can be other reactions such as refusing to engage with someone, or walking away, or feeling your hackles go up and like you’re digging yourself a bit further into the ground because you are not moving on this.

We all get angry.  We all feel hurt and frustration sometimes.  It is part of our most basic programming.  Back when a large animal could spell certain death we needed to be motivated to move if we saw one – in a nanosecond.  There was no time for cognitive processing about what the animal might look like, and whether it looked friendly.  We were hard wired to see a potential threat and move to safety.  This is why when you are triggered you will often move straight into your ‘fight or flight’ response which means you do not have access to your full brain functioning whilst in that place.  Why is this important?  When someone pushes a button in you it’s nearly always about something in you.  Some fear or sensitivity has been poked and you’re reacting accordingly.  This is your big animal and you may well go into survival mode.  This means that you are not thinking rationally and with your full cognitive functioning.  There is no reasoning or rationalising going on.  There is simply an in built response to either argue or flee.

As you might imagine conversations when one, or both of you, are in this mode are not terribly productive.  They may involve a lot of shouting, or they may involve one party retreating – either within the house or (pre-lockdown) elsewhere.  They can be a major reason why separating couples are not able to resolve all the issues that crop up.  You both start intent on trying to resolve things and determined to stay calm.  One person says something that pushes another person’s button, that person starts shouting (or withdraws) and then the other person becomes angry because they wanted to sort things out and now they’re being yelled at, or ignored.

In initial meetings with each party I always ask what is it you do that pushes the other person’s buttons, and what do they do that pushes your buttons.  Some people are very aware of this; a surprising number of people are not.  They may know they push the other person’s buttons but they don’t know specifically what it is that pushes the button.  A very common answer is “breathing” followed by a nervous laugh.

So what can you do about it?

Understanding the theory is all very well but it’s no help without practical guidance on how to move forward and get past the issue.  The answer lies in OWNING YOUR OWN STUFF.    This is challenging.  There is a safety in blaming the other person for pushing your buttons.  If they don’t want you to shout, or leave the conversation, then they need to stop pushing your buttons.  You are lobbing the responsibility for all the difficult conversations, and the arguments, at the other person’s door.  If they stopped making you cross then it would be better.  It may be that the other person does need to look at their own behaviour.  Maybe they’ve been rude, or unpleasant.  Yes maybe they’ve pushed your button deliberately.  And they absolutely need to take responsibility for their own stuff too.  But here’s the thing: you can only choose to take responsibility for what’s going on in your head, and your body.  You simply cannot force anybody else to behave differently.  Yeah sure you can threaten and blackmail as a temporary solution to this, but that’s hardly conducive to a good relationship.  It doesn’t build trust and mutual respect.

The major step forward lies in identifying WHY you are being triggered or having your buttons pressed.  This might require a deep dive into feelings, emotions and your past.  Often writing things down, or talking it through with a counsellor (or trusted friend or family member who is equipped for such conversations) can be useful.  This stuff is often deep rooted in our past: our childhoods and our traumas.  These are common fears that come up during a separation:

• Being alone – the idea of living alone (or as the only adult in a house).  Maybe you’ve never lived alone?  Maybe you have a deep fear of abandonment because of something (or things) that happened to you previously?
• Going back to work or doing a more demanding job – this can be bring up a huge range of fears that centre around a lack of confidence.  Maybe you haven’t worked whilst your children were young?  Maybe you left the high powered job behind some years ago and you feel that there is no way you’d ever be good enough to do that now.  You’re more equipped for a safe and unchallenging role.
• What will people think of you – what are people going to say about your relationship breakdown?  What happens if you have to live in a smaller house?  What if you end up living in the “not so nice end of town”?
• Fears around money – everyone has a particular mindset around money.  You might be someone who is laid back and doesn’t worry about money.  Maybe you are anxious about having enough money – even with savings in the bank you never feel safe enough.    Perhaps money scares you?  You might have been made to feel you’re no good with money?  Or you might simply have never managed money for yourself and consider it to be like a foreign language you have never learned to speak.
• Change – fear of change is hugely common.  It is a fear of the unknown.  So many people in mediation won’t even have conversations about a particular option because it represents change and they are too fearful.  This is often dressed up as being for the children’s benefit.  The children need to stay in their home, the children can’t do this and there can be valid reasons why options might not be right for your children.  But it is important to distinguish between what is a genuine concern of a child, and what is an adult fear projected on to them.

This is not easy.  In fact it is hugely difficult, and that’s why many people chose to bury how they feel deep down and not give much thought to it.  Starting to unpick this stuff can feel like a rabbit hole that if you disappear down it you might never come up again.  It’s important to be aware that in any situation there is always a choice and you can choose to put the responsibility firmly on the other person and not do any deep dive into your own fears.  You may be able to work things out with a bit of help, and you may never need to face any of your fears.  But my experience in mediation suggests that when one person won’t even have a conversation about a particular option, the faith and trust the other person has in your ability to resolve things together in an amicable manner fades a bit.  They can start to see it as a straight choice between the other person getting their own way (that can represent a substantial loss to them e.g if my spouse remains in the family home, I have no money to buy a home and I will be renting a property and having to move for the next 15 odd years) and them having some semblance of a good post separation life.  This raises the stakes dramatically and it is often the point at which lawyers are instructed to raise the bar and court proceedings are issued.  Before you know it you’ve each spent a few thousand pounds that you couldn’t really afford, and now the stakes are higher still.

If you choose to look at your fears and your buttons being pressed and to take responsibility for your own feelings, thoughts, emotions and baggage then there is potential growth there.  This might benefit you in being able to resolve issues relating to your separation.  It may well shine a brighter light on your future.  You may realise you were limiting yourself in what you thought you were capable of, and a whole new potential post separation future starts to open up.  Just let that sink in for a moment.  Close your eyes and imagine that you were capable of doing more than you thought you were, and that you could do things you didn’t think you could……and that you might even get to a point where you could do them without being afraid.  How does that feel?

I might be ready to do this

If you are simply open to the possibility of this then that is amazing.  There will absolutely be times you want to run away and hide and that’s perfectly OK.  No one is ready to self-develop all the time.  For the sake of our own self-care sometimes we just need to be, to relax, to rest.  But if you’re willing to open up to this, now is the time to start thinking about what it is that presses your buttons.  Think about the last time you really saw red.  Take a moment, find a quiet space and just think back to that moment and ask yourself:

• How did I feel before anything happened?
• What happened immediately before I felt my button was being pressed?  What was said?  What was done?
• After this happened how did I feel?  What emotions was I experiencing?  Name these.  How did you feel in your body?  Did you notice any tightness – if so where?  Do you notice other sensations?
• What happened when my button was pressed?  What did I say?  What did I do?
• What was it about what happened that pressed my button – what was my deepest fear in this moment?

You may not get all of that information straight away.  But write down what you notice in a journal or notebook.  Keep doing this every time you feel you have been triggered.  You can even imagine what might trigger it again in the future as sitting with that can also give you useful information.

If you’re finding this too upsetting and if you have experienced difficult trauma in your life it may be too much for you.  It’s important to remember that:

• You don’t want this to take over your life so limit yourself to pockets of journalling and diving into your emotions and then put it to one side.
• You may find meditating or breathing exercises useful after this to help disengage from any anxiety or strong emotions that you felt
• Don’t use this as a tool to chastise yourself.  You are looking for information to help you move forward to a new and better place.  This is a chance to do things differently moving forward, not an opportunity to lambaste yourself about anything that you have got wrong in your life.
• If you feel that you are dealing with some very big issues then you may need to consider doing this only with professional help.  Speak to your GP or counsellor about getting help to explore these issues in a safe space with a qualified professional
• If you find yourself feeling very low around this then please reach out to a trusted friend or family member and explain that you feel very low.  If you feel there is no one you can talk to remember that the Samaritans are there 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  You can reach them by calling 116 123.

Don’t forget that we have a free closed Facebook group where you can get support from others going through a separation, and from other professionals.  Click here to join Soulful Separation Support.  We also have a free mailing list with resources to help you manage your separation as peacefully as possible.

Other blogs that you might find useful:

Is it all too much?

Looking after yourself in a separation

Giving and getting support in a separation

Finding your stresspoints

What is child inclusive mediation?

Where parents are using mediation (and potentially even if they are not) to talk about what happens next for them, and their child(ren), in light of their separation, it is possible (and often sensible) for their child(ren) to also talk to the mediator.  This enables the child to have a voice in what is going to happen next.  Too many children feel they weren’t spoken to in their parents’ separation – that no one spoke to them about changes that were going to happen, or sought their opinion on what they might like to happen.  If you look at the statistics on the picture below, 48% of children say their parents didn’t properly explain what would happen after the divorce.  Often children have things they’d like to say or discuss but can sometimes feel hesitant to discuss these with their parents.  They can see their parents are upset, stressed, angry or irritable and worry about upsetting the apple cart.  This can be because they love their parent and don’t want to cause them any further upset.  It can also be because they recognise that they might create a more difficult situation for themselves if they say something that might be unpalatable to one or both parents.  Having an impartial third party to talk to and air their views about the situation can be hugely cathartic for a child.  It can be empowering too to have a grown up listening intently to their views and suggestions.  Suddenly their opinion is important in all of this.

It’s important to be clear that this is not about getting children to choose which parent they live with – that would be a damaging and heart breaking responsibility that would be far too much.  This is about creating a safe space where children can air their views on the situation.  Maybe they’re worrying that they won’t have enough time with dad or mum?  It could be that they have heard stories from friends whose parents have separated and are worried that they won’t get to go to football on a Saturday, or they won’t have a birthday party any more, or that they will forever be packing a bag and forgetting their PE kit because it’s at the other parent’s house, and getting into trouble at school.  They may have creative ideas on how to improve their current situation that they’d like to share but no one has ever asked them what they think before.  They may not want to talk to a mediator but without asking them, you cannot know whether they would find it beneficial or not.  Affording them the opportunity to have this conversation can also prevent this being thrown back at you at a later date with an angry “you never asked me about how I felt, or gave me the chance to talk to anyone”.

Why would you use it?

There are many reasons to think about creating the chance for your child to talk to a mediator. Whilst this may produce a better outcome for you and for your child(ren), I think there are benefits that are not necessarily linked to the outcome.  These are to be found in the process.  Simply giving your child the opportunity.  It could be that they don’t want to talk to the mediator – who is after all a stranger.  But simply asking them if they want to could open up a conversation you have not had before.  A mediator will only meet with a child (or children) where BOTH parents AND the child are in agreement that this should happen.

Speaking to the mediator affords a child or children the chance to get things off their chest to someone who is not connected to the situation in any personal sense.  A mediator will only pass on to the parents what the child or children want them to.  So a child could come and talk to the mediator and it could be a cathartic experience to share things that have bothered them, that they don’t like and feel fed up with and for them this may be enough.  They may feel they don’t need their parents to know because it would upset them but they feel better for being able to tell someone.  This can be frustrating for parents to have invested in the process (emotionally as well as economically) and to find the mediator has no messages to pass on to them, but they may find that their child has found it beneficial and now seems happier.

Where there is information to pass on, this will be entirely from the child’s perspective.  How often as parents do we think we know how our child will deal with a situation, and have then been completely surprised when they react in a different way?  It’s often hard in a separation for parents to separate how their child feels about the situation, from how they feel.  They may have very strong feelings about how the other parent has behaved but to the child that person is still their mum or dad.  Parents tend to look at arrangements as apportioning time between parents but this is not often a child’s agenda.  This was highlighted by Professor Liz Trinder (Professor of socio-legal studies at Exeter University who has studied many separation related issues) in an article published in November, 2010.

How is it set up?

Preparation and clarity are crucial in making this process a success and so it’s important both parents understand the process before approaching a conversation with their child(ren).  Parents need to agree not to coach or influence their children, and not to ask them about it afterwards.  It’s also important to give some thought to raising it with your child(ren): will this be done by both of you?  Or will it be one parent that talks to them?  If your child wishes to take things forward then the mediator will contact them in an appropriate way to make arrangements.  A meeting is arranged with the child or children (and siblings can see the mediator together or separately – or both).  The mediator will be specially qualified and insured to see children and will be well equipped to put children at their ease and will use toys, drawing or other activities during the meeting to make the conversation less intense.  It is made clear to children that only what they want to be shared will be shared with their parents.  A mediator will use the children’s own words and will simply report these back to the parents.  They don’t add to the words, or interpret them for the parents.

Who can talk to the mediator?

It is usually the case that older children will be the ones who would talk to a mediator.  Children of around 10 and upwards may have sufficient maturity but each case needs to be considered for its own unique situation.  Maybe you have a 9 year old who is bursting to talk to someone?  Perhaps you have siblings where some are older but some are younger and the younger children are adamant that if their older siblings are talking to the mediator then they are too.  Talk to your mediator about this and see what they say.  If they are not qualified to see children then they may bring another mediator in to arrange this, or send you to a specially qualified mediator.

To end this blog I wanted to share some quotes from children so that their voices were heard in this blog.  These quotes come from the “What most children say” leaflet prepared by Kent Mediation Service:

“Try not to argue in front of us but tell us what is happening and why although we don’t want to hear any personal details, or be involved in whose fault you think it was”.

“We are mostly sad or angry that you can’t live together any more.  But we can cope and get on with our lives, so long as you do too.  If you don’t, we can’t.”

“We need to be close to both of you.  This means we like doing ordinary, everyday things with both of you – eating, playing, going to bed and getting up, going to school, watching TV……”

If you’d like to know more about Child Inclusive Mediation then have a look at the web page or contact us.

Photo Credit: ID 106340055 © Macrovector | Dreamstime.com

You can watch a video I put together about this and/or read the blog below.

The first piece of important information is that parents are permitted to leave their homes to transport their child or children to the other parent’s house.  The government made something of a dog’s dinner of clarifying this situation so it’s important to note that this point may not be clear.  The only exception to this would be if there were symptoms of COVID-19 (i.e a high temperature or a dry cough) in one parent’s house when the child was there.  In which case the child would be part of that household self-isolating for 14 days and would not then be able to go to the other parent’s house.  If the child developed symptoms then they would need to self-isolate for 7 days, even if this took them over the original 14 days.

So potentially a parent may not see their child for 21 days if the child ended up self-isolating with the other parent.  This is tough.  Especially so for parents who share care of their children through the week so they never go more than a few days without seeing the child.

There are also difficult decisions to be made for those families whose households include a member who is in the vulnerable category.  This could be a parent with asthma or a lung condition (or other ongoing health condition) or a grandparent living in the same household who is over 70.  In these circumstances there may be difficult decisions to make about whether you continue to co-parent as usual during this difficult time.  Having a child moving between households could potentially pose an increased risk to a vulnerable person that needs to be considered.  There simply aren’t right or wrong answers in this situation and it’s important that you give thought to what is right for your family.  You may wish to give some thought to:

• If the vulnerable member of your household is an older or vulnerable relative is there another family member they can stay with at this time to prevent the increased risk being past to them of the child going between houses; or is it possible for them to be isolated within your household i.e having their own room and bathroom away from others?
• Is there an increased risk posed by the other parent’s household?  Are they a key worker continuing to go out to work and mix with others who are potentially carrying the virus?  Or are they staying at home and not going out and so of a lower risk?
• How might your child feel if they were not able to see the other parent for some time?  How do they cope with changes to their routine? For children diagnosed with ASD even small changed in their routines can have a big impact.
• Can you mitigate the difficulties for the child with the use of regular video chats by Facetime or what’s app or other such technology?  These technologies are also useful if a child ends up self-isolating with one parent and unable to see the other.  You can be really creative with these.  I am aware of clients using these for chats and discussions, home schooling and reading stories for quite long chunks of time.
• Can you re-jig your current routine to provide for time with each parent in a way that poses less of a risk to other members of each household?  This might include longer periods of time with each parent.
• Many mediators are carrying on helping those going through (or who have been through) a separation and so if you’re finding it hard to work out these challenging issues then consider using family mediation as a safe space to have difficult discussions.  Meetings would need to take place online but can be a useful way of exploring and understanding all the options and finding a mutually palatable way forward.

It’s important to remember that your situation is your situation and whilst it may cause you both some upset and anxiety the object is to find a way forward everyone can live with.  This situation won’t be forever and a solution is a temporary fix to a unique set of circumstances.  Don’t worry about what others are doing but focus on what will work for you.  Be creative and innovative in finding a solution to your particular challenges.  As long as it works for you no one will interfere with it.  Please get in touch if you feel you could do with some professional guidance and support.

This got me thinking about whether those coming into mediation, or going through a separation generally, really understand the full range of things that can be talked about in mediation.  So the list below is of conversations that have been facilitated by me in mediation sessions.  It’s by no means exhaustive as there may be variations on themes and there may simply be conversations between separating couples that I have not yet come across.  You really can talk about anything in mediation that you feel is important to you as part of your separation.  This could be:

• How are we going to tell our children about our separation?
• What will that conversation look like (where, when, how, what will be the key messages and what will we do afterwards)
• How can we separate immediately? (this can be particularly useful where you both feel it’s toxic living in the same house)
• When we separate (or now that we have separated) when will our children be with mum and when will they be with dad?
• What will we do in school holidays?
• Where are each of us going to live?  How will we fund that?
• How will we be able to make ends meet?
• We don’t have enough money to fund two houses – how can we possibly separate?
• What do we do about our pets?  Will they stay with one person?  Can they go between our homes?
• We have a family business – do we both keep working in that going forwards?  How do we decide what value it has?
• Are we going to separate?  We’re not sure but we don’t want to start relationship counselling unless we know we will both try and currently we’re not able to have that conversation on our own.
• What are we going to do about our pensions?
• Should our children have one home and see the other parent or do they have two homes?  How will that work?
• I’m worried about our children.
• I have concerns about the other parent’s parenting.
• We are unable to communicate.  How can we change this?
• Does one of us or both of us need therapy?

As you can see simply saying you can talk about children or money doesn’t really cover the range or nuances of the different conversations that take place in mediation.  If you’re still not sure if the conversation you would like to have can take place in mediation then why not get in touch so that we can have a chat about it?  There’s no charge for a quick phone chat and it can help to understand your options before committing to anything.

“Road to Confidence” by Claire Gardner, Career Coach and Single Parent

When I separated from my husband, there were a mix of emotions; from fear to freedom, insecurity to independence and just about everything in between!  I sacrificed my own career to bring up my kids and I supported my ex-husband in his career, a joint decision made with the best of intentions, at the time.  When we started divorce proceedings, things came to light that made me realise I should have retained more financial independence within the marriage and that I would have to be very resourceful if I wanted to pay my bills and rent.  I had to fight very hard in Court for spousal maintenance and the Judge’s decision in my favour, enabled me to meet my basic outgoings – but this will end when my son is 14 and then what?

It took me a long time to reconcile the feeling of desperately wanting to be independent and “free” from my ex whilst living in the knowledge that I needed his maintenance just to survive with the added pressure of knowing the spousal element would end in 7 years.  He still had a hold on me.  I allowed myself to wallow in these emotions for a while – fear, insecurity, doubt, injustice, anger. Before long, my natural resourcefulness kicked in and I was starting to network again with old colleagues, attending networking events, using co-working spaces to meet new people and I resurrected my profile on LinkedIn and started posting regularly on social media.  My background in recruitment really helped me to market my skills and look for new clients and, before long, I started to see a chink of light which would eventually lead me out of the grip of spousal maintenance.

I know that divorce can have devastating effects on womens’ confidence, particularly if they did not instigate the divorce.  It can be difficult to socialise and to think of anything positive about your life, let alone apply for a job and sell yourself at the interview.  This is why I work with women to support their return to work as a result of divorce. To bridge that gap between where you are now and starting to enter the workplace (voluntarily or paid) I provide my clients with a Return To Work Package which includes:

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• “Getting To Know You“, informal interview
• Updating your CV
• Updating or creating your Linked In profile
• Interview coaching
• Identifying and approaching businesses you want to work for
• Landing page website or full website (additional charge)
• Facebook / Instagram business page (additional charge)
• Life Coaching (additional charge)
• Style Consultation (additional charge)

My own personal divorce journey has really taught me a lot about myself; I have had to become more self-reliant, resourceful and independent, whilst juggling children, childcare, work and personal life.  It has taken time but I can now see that my divorce has taught me so much and given me freedom in ways that I had not expected; I show my kids every day that we have to “keep on keeping on” and I hope I have inspired other single parents along the way to find the light at the end of the divorce tunnel.  Please do contact me for an informal chat about how my journey could help you on your road to confidence .

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www.cgexecutive.co.uk

07825 604389

Claire.j.gardner@gmail.com