• Emotions – Allowing yourself to grieve, a separation is a loss, and you will experience a lot of different emotions, maybe some emotions you have not felt so strongly before. Give yourself the time and space to feel these emotions. It is ok to feel anger, sadness, frustration, relief and so on. These are your emotions, and you are allowed to feel them.
• Support – Look for support around you from the people that you trust and feel safe with. Friends and family. Don’t suffer alone, reach out to others.
• Boundaries – Surround yourself with people that have a positive impact on you. Put boundaries on those that have a negative impact on you, prioritising your needs and not putting unnecessary pressure on yourself.  
• Professionals – Look for a therapist or support group with others that are in a similar situation. I have one near me that is called ‘Divorce Group’ they run 6-week course and share experiences and help with information and support each other.
• Small steps – Whilst we must plan for future events, focus on day-to-day tasks, when you feel ready focus on your next steps and then on the future. There is no set plan when this must be, you can decide when you feel emotionally ready to work towards the next steps.

• Experiences – Try old and new activities you like or may like. When a relationship comes to an end, we work through who we are as an individual and what we like doing, this may be similar activities to before or we may like to try new activities.
• Pleasure – If you find experiences are not as pleasurable as before, look for experiences that give you a little bit of pleasure, even if it is not much as you used to experience. That will come later. Small steps for now, any amount of pleasure is good.
• The outside – Being in fresh air, this could be going for a walk on your own or with others, exercising something that you like and is not a chore.
• Sleep – You may be sleeping more or less than normal. If you are struggling to sleep, try a different routine, if you find it difficult going to sleep, don’t worry research has shown resting in bed is just as important. Allowing yourself 8 hours or rest or sleep in bed. Finding ways to relax and a moment of calmness.
• Eating – Sometimes we eat when we are happy or sad, sometimes we don’t eat when we are happy or sad. Most importantly if you’re eating habits have changed, see food as fuelling, a car would not start if it didn’t have petrol. It is important to fuel yourself to start the day. Regular meals throughout the day, will help with energy and regulating emotions. Research shows if we don’t have fuel in our body we are more emotional and find day to day tasks more difficult.

You may find the free downloads we offer helpful in navigating different aspects of separation. We also have an online course called your Road Map to Surviving and Thriving in divorce that takes you through the things you may need to sort out, as well as things to consider with regard to the more emotional aspects. It also covers each of the 4 Cs of effective communication (Calm, Constructive, Conscious and Compassionate) to help you with other aspects of separation as well as ensuring discussing are productive.

The idea of this blog is to give you a basic guide to pensions and some things to think about if you’re currently going through a separation.

The basics

Firstly, if you have ever paid into a pension then you have a pension.  It doesn’t matter if it’s from a job that you left (many) years ago, that pension will still exist unless it was transferred into a different pension.  If you haven’t kept any details then if it was a work pension your previous employer may be able to provide you with details.  Alternatively if you remember the name of the company who administered it then you can contact them.  A trawl through your emails may also give you some clues if you received information via email.

Secondly, for all pensions that you and your spouse/ ex-spouse (there’s no mechanism to share pensions between partners that weren’t married) have you will need to obtain what’s called a Cash Equivalent Transfer Value (sometimes called the Cash Equivalent).  This is the value of the pension fund that you have as at the current time.  There may be other pieces of information you will need and these are discussed later in the blog.  A statement of potential benefits that tells you how much you are likely to receive from this pension when you retire can also be helpful in looking at what your financial position will be in retirement but you will need the valuation too.  These valuations should generally be no more than a year old and the more up to date they are the better.  You can’t make an informed decision about whether to claim against your spouse’s pension unless you know how much is worth.  If you think you’re not interested in this would you still hold the same view if it was worth £250,000?  £500,000?  £1,000,000?  Further, do you know roughly what income they will receive from this pension in retirement?

Pensions are not all alike

There are different types of pension schemes and the scheme you have will be determined by things like whether the pension scheme was provided by an employer or whether this was a pension you set up yourself.  Most people will also be familiar with the state pension.

State pension – this is an amount that you are paid by the government when you retire.  Your State Pension amount depends on your National Insurance record.  If you have always worked and made National Insurance contributions then you may be entitled to a full state pension.  At the time of writing this blog (October 2024) the full state pension is £221.20 per week.  You can Check your State Pension forecast to find out how much you could get when you reach State Pension age. It also shows your National Insurance record.

If you did not work for periods of time, or lived abroad and so did not pay National Insurance or you were contracted out of SERPS before 2016 then these things might impact on whether you get the full state pension.  As part of your discussions it’s helpful to find out how much you will receive by way of a state pension.  It may also be possible for you to claim a state pension based on your spouse’s National Insurance record rather than yours if this would be more beneficial for you.  If you’re not sure then make sure you take some advice with regard to this.

Defined contributions pension scheme

These are sometimes referred to as personal pensions or stakeholder pensions. They’re also sometimes called ‘money purchase’ pension schemes too.  They can be a workplace pension that’s arranged by your employer, or they can be a private pension that you take out yourself.  This might be because you’re self-employed and don’t get a pension from an employer, or because you want to top up other pension provision you have.

Money paid in by you (or your employer) is put into investments (usually managed by people called fund managers whose job it is to get the best return on monies invested in the pension) by the pension provider. The value of your pension pot can go up or down depending on how the investments perform.  Whilst this might cause you concern most money invested in pensions is there for the long term so fluctuations are normal.  If you have a pensions adviser they may discuss with you your attitude to risk so that they can look at whether to invest monies in high risk funds (where there may be a greater return on the investment but there is a greater risk) or whether to keep the risk more medium to low.

Some schemes move your money into lower-risk investments as you get close to retirement age. You may be able to ask for this if it does not happen automatically.  As with any investment, it’s a good idea to keep an eye on how your pension fund is growing and to discuss things regularly with a financial advisor if you have one.  That way you can stay on top of whether your pension is growing at a rate you’d like, depending on when you’d like to retire and the level of income you’d like to have.  If the scheme is provided by an employer you may have less control over what happens but you can still talk to a pensions adviser so you can arrange further provision if you feel the pension you get from your employer won’t meet your needs in retirement.  Your employer may provide access to a pensions adviser.

When you retire the amount you will receive depends on how much has been paid into the pension scheme (by you and your employer if they contribute), how well the investment has performed over time, and how you decide to take the money.  You can choose to be paid the money monthly as a regular payment or you can choose to take some of the money as a tax free lump sum when you retire and receive the rest by way of a monthly pension.  You can usually take up to 25% of the amount built up in any pension as a tax-free lump sum. The most you can take is currently £268,275.  The amount you can take tax free may be more if you’re eligible for a lifetime or protected allowance and you should take specialist advice to find out more.

Defined benefits pension scheme.

This is a pension scheme where the amount you’re paid is based on how many years you’ve been a member of the employer’s scheme and the salary you’ve earned when you leave or retire.  You may have also heard these kind of pensions referred to as final salary.

You might have one if you’ve worked for a large employer or in the public sector.

Your employer contributes to the scheme and is responsible for ensuring there’s enough money at the time you retire to pay your pension income.

You can contribute to the scheme too, and, depending on the scheme, this may be a requirement.  They differ from defined contributions because the amount you receive is based on the benefits you have accrued (e.g a percentage of your salary) rather than being based on the money that is in the pension fund.  For this reason many people consider that a defined benefits scheme with a Cash Equivalent Transfer Value of £100,000 is more valuable than a defined contributions pension scheme with a CETV of £100,000.

To look at it another way (we’re using round figures to make this easier to explain) if your defined benefits pension scheme terms state that you can earn up to 50% of your final salary if you do 25 years’ service and you retire after being there for 25.5 years then you will (in this simple example) be paid £20,000 a year in retirement, if your final salary was £40,000.  So the pension fund will pay you £20,000 a year until you die.  This could be for approximately 20 to 40 years (if you live to 100 or more) depending on how long you live, and how old you are when you retire (most schemes will stipulate the minimum retirement age).  So even if the Cash Equivalent Transfer Value is £325,000 the fund will guarantee paying out £400,000 if you receive £20,000 a year for 20 years.

SIPP or self invested personal pension

These are personal pensions like defined contribution pensions but they allow you to control the specific investments that make up your pension fund.  With a SIPP, you choose and manage your own investments or pay an authorised financial adviser to help you.  They can offer much wider investment options than other pension types but it is important to have specialist and regulated advice to ensure you understand what you’re doing and to ensure you work within the rules, and are aware of any potential issues that might crop up.

The assets that can be invested in include:

• company shares (UK and overseas)
• collective investments – such as open-ended investment companies (OEICs) and unit trusts
• investment trusts
• property and land – but not most residential property.

This list isn’t exhaustive – different SIPP providers offer different investment options.

You can’t usually use a SIPP to invest in residential property. But it might be possible to invest in commercial property, such as offices.

Understanding the types of pensions that people can have helps you to make informed decisions about pensions as part of your separation.  It is always sensible to get some financial advice from an Independent Financial Advisor or Chartered Financial Planner to ensure you are making decisions that are in your best interests financially.

What can we do with pensions when we get divorced

There are four main options you can choose for dealing with your pensions when you get divorced:

1. You each keep your own pensions.  If you each have similar types of pensions with similar values then you may not feel it’s appropriate to share pensions.  Or there may be reasons why you both believe that some or all of the pensions you have are non-matrimonial assets.  If you’re not sure then get some advice from a specialist family lawyer.

• Offsetting – this is where one person keeps their pension and the other person gets other assets to offset the pension value.  Whilst there can be sound reasons for thinking of this it is important to remember a couple of things:
  • Make sure you truly understand the value of the pension you’re not claiming on.  This isn’t just about the Cash Equivalent Transfer Value of the pension, it’s also about the type of pension and the benefits your ex-spouse will receive.  Make sure you take advice.
  • It can be attractive to think that you will keep a house you love and feel secure in instead of seeking a share in a pension you can’t yet claim.  But think about (and take some advice on) how you will make ends meet in retirement.  If you’re going to be forced to sell the house because you can’t afford to keep it when you retire, then it won’t give you security forever.  It’s not fun to be sat in a house that needs repairs and not be able to afford to do those repairs.  Plus if your ex has had time to save some money to buy a house then they may have a permanent home and a good pension.  If that’s the case how will you feel about that?

• Ear marking or pension attachment order – this tends to only be used in certain circumstances.  The pension being shared is retained by the person whose pension it is and an agreed share is paid to the other person every time there is a pension payment (usually monthly but this could be a lump sum).  Payments will only be made once the person whose pension it is becomes eligible.   If the person with the pension dies then the other person will usually stop receiving any money from this pension.

• Pension Sharing Order – this is where a percentage of one person’s pension is removed from their pension and paid into a pension in the other person’s name.  Depending on the terms of the pension scheme the person gaining the pension benefit would either have to set up a pension within the pension scheme the benefit was coming from, or it would have to be transferred out of the scheme to a different scheme.  The terms of the pension scheme will tell you what needs to be done in each case and should set out the costs of doing this.  Once the pension credit is transferred into a pension in the name of the pension who is receiving it, it becomes their pension and will always be their pension – even when their ex-spouse dies.

Pension sharing or pension attachment orders can only be made by a court and can’t be made informally between separating spouses. 

When you’re discussing what happens next following a decision to separate then it’s important to think about:

1. What pensions do you each have?  What are their Cash Equivalent Transfer Values and what type of schemes are they?  You will need to ask for the information if you don’t have a statement with this information that’s less than a year old.  Make sure this is done for each pension that either of you have.  You can just contact the pension provide and ask for this and they will provide you with information on how to get this.  Depending on the pension scheme it can take some time.

• Do you have questions about the pensions your ex has disclosed?  Do they cover their whole employment history?  Did you remember they have an additional pension that hasn’t been disclosed?  Sometimes people forget what pensions they have (especially if they have one from a previous position they don’t pay into any more) so always ask the questions.

• Do you know where to go to get advice on pensions?  Your lawyer will be able to advise you about the questions to ask but you should also consider taking financial advice.  If you’re not sure how to find someone then why not ask friends and family or your lawyer or mediator.

• It’s hard to talk about pensions and it can become bamboozling technical, so it can help to think about some general principles.  Do you want to make sure you both have the same income in retirement?  Do you want to make sure you both have pension funds the same size?  Remember that just because your funds are the same size it doesn’t mean you will get equal income or benefit from them.  Do you feel you have sufficient time before you both retire to improve your pension provision?  Is there an age difference between you in which case one person may have more time to pay into a pension.  These are all things to take into account and to discuss together (either between yourselves or with assistance from a mediator, or your lawyers).

Where you want to do something that requires calculations to be made about your pensions then it helps to involve an actuary.  These are pension experts who can also make complicated calculations such as how to equalise your income in retirement from the pensions you have.  They can also factor in things like paying the lowest charges if you’re going to share pensions.  They will also factor in the different benefit that different pensions schemes have.  If you have substantial pensions (the rule of thumb is pensions with a total value of over £100,000) then it’s even more important that you get specialist financial advice to make sure you are both getting the best value from decisions you make about pensions.

If you feel you need greater detail on understanding pensions then have a look at this guide. 

In the third blog we looked at the positives there might be for you following a separation.  We gave some examples so you can see that there could be positives, even if you don’t recognise them in your situation right now.

In this blog we thought it might be helpful to just share a bit of inspiration with you to keep you going if you’re finding things tough or difficult right now.  If you do feel stuck, or that there simply might never be life that doesn’t feel like it does now then have a look at our blog.  There is such a wealth of resource in it that you will likely find something that speaks to your current challenges.  Don’t forget there is also our online shop that has affordable resources for anyone going through a separation.  You only need to pay for each resource once and then you and your partner can both use them.

We also run the Soulful Separation Support group which is an online community for anyone going through a separation.  You can get support there from others who are also on this journey.  There are also professionals in there like us who can offer you support and guidance with issues you’re finding tricky.

Finding light in the dark places is often challenging in a separation.

We’ve also included some inspirational quotes below and added our interpretation to them if you’re feeling a bit short on inspiration and not feeling like there is any light at the end of the tunnel.

“Hope is important because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear. If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear a hardship today.” – Thich Nhat Hanh

We don’t know anything about Thich Nhat Hanh but a google search tells us that he is a Vietnamese Thien Buddhist Monk and peace activist who founded the Plum Village Tradition.  This quote needs little explanation.  We all need hope for tomorrow to get us through the challenges today.

“It is only in our darkest hours that we may discover the true strength of the brilliant light within ourselves that can never, ever, be dimmed.” – Doe Zantamata

This quote resonated strongly with Louisa Whitney who can see that some of the greatest challenges of her professional and personal life have made her realise the strength she has and she now draws on this in any challenging situation.  Louisa also explains that she feels she can move back to a more positive place in any challenge now because of the strength she has gained from previous challenges.  Doe is an author, artist and photographer who wrote the Happiness in Your Life book series.

“The greatest glory in living lies not in never failing, but in rising every time we fail.” – Nelson Mandela

This quote makes us want to play the Andra Day track “Rise Up”.  It never fails to make us feel more powerful and worthy in each challenging moment.  What music makes you feel more worthy and more powerful?  Why not play a track today?

Finally this quote that we saw courtesy of the keepinspiring.me website gave us chills because so often going through a separation can really feel like you’re battling a big head wind and just not getting anywhere.  We understand that feeling.  But what if this was just preparation for take off?

Do you feel like you’ve taken off into the wind?

We hope you’ve found these quotes inspiring.  If anything has inspired you in your separation then please add it below or email us to tell us about it so we can pass it on to others who might need it.

If you haven’t already seen this blog series then the first blog was the introduction and talking about why positives are important, and especially right now during the pandemic.  The second blog talked about how there can be an improved relationship with your children following a separation.  Again these changes might be more in the longer term, rather than the short term, but keeping an eye on changes in the short term can help to shine a light on what things might be like at the end of the tunnel.

In terms of your relationship you may already see this.  If you made the decision to separate, or it was a mutual decision, then you have likely embraced the fact that your life will be better without being in a relationship with your ex partner.  Whatever the reason for that you must have felt strongly enough about it to make the decision to separate.  If the decision was effectively handed to you then it can be harder to see the positives.  If you felt that there were difficulties in the relationship then you might like to contemplate what not having those difficulties, or arguments, might feel like to you.  If you felt that there weren’t any difficulties and that you were happy with your partner then it is often much harder to see any positives for your future and it can take quite some time for you to feel like there might be light in your future.  This is OK but if you feel you are struggling emotionally – and especially with anxiety or depression – then it’s a good idea to get some support.  A conversation with your GP can be a good port of call.

The light at the end of the tunnel can take a while to see in a separation

To help you here are some positives that we have heard over the years from clients, friends and family going through a separation:

• There was a hobby I always wanted to take up that I didn’t have time for but now I will be able to and I’m looking forward to that.
• I had a desire to pursue a promotion or a career change but it didn’t fit in with our family life but now I can pursue this and the extra income will help me as a single person.  I’m looking forward to being more financially independent.
• Our arguments left me feeling drained and I’m looking forward to a more peaceful life without the daily arguments, sulking and mean comments.  It will be much better to not feel I’m walking on eggshells the whole time.
• My ex partner wasn’t always nice to me and my confidence was really affected.  I can see that since we have separated my confidence levels have risen a little and I am looking forward to where greater confidence might take me.
• I often felt conflicted between my partner’s needs and my children’s needs and my own needs.  Without having to worry about my partner’s needs I’m looking forward to focusing on my children’s needs when they’re with me, and my own needs when my children are with my ex partner.
• My partner and I are very different people and being together meant both of us had to make compromises to find a way forward together.  I’m looking forward to being more “me” again.

These may not be your positives.  You may be able to see that some of them might be positives to you in the immediate or longer term future.  Or you may feel there are other positives for you.  It can help to write them down and go back to them when you feel you’re having a dark moment.  Being able to see what might be in the future can get you through the challenges.   As you see new positives – however small – write them down so you can watch them grow into bigger positives, or hold onto them during moments where you feel challenged.

If you would like help in managing your separation in the most constructive and peaceful way possible then you can download our free video with guidance on how to improve your communication to move forward.  It explains why communication is often challenging in a separation, and gives you guidance on how to improve this.

We also run a free Facebook group where those going through a separation can talk to others in the same situation (people are at varying stages in the separation so can share experiences at all stages) and where professionals come in and talk to you about issues you’re facing and how to deal with them.  It’s called Soulful Separation Support.

• There are many difficulties in divorce and separation
• It’s my job to help those going through it to navigate this tricky path
• So many issues arise from separating from a partner

But I have also been mindful of how difficult people are finding everyday life right now – even those not going through a separation.  Not being able to see friends and family, home schooling your children, worrying about becoming or being ill, worrying about the financial effects on you of being furloughed,  made redundant or not being able to work.  All these things are challenging us in a way I think many of us have never felt challenged.  Yes sure we have had tough times but there has never been a collective toughness like COVID in many of our lifetimes and the fact it’s tough for everyone brings with it some unpleasantness in itself.  I’ve seen so many people sitting in judgement on others, despite knowing little about their lives.  I’ve seen normally kind people display very little patience with each other.  I’ve seen good and sensible people crack and say they simply can’t follow the rules any more.

Finding light at the end of the tunnel

There is no doubting that even before anyone going through a separation starts to deal with that there are many challenges in life already.  So it occurred to me that it might be helpful for people to focus beyond where they are now.  Beyond the drudgery, the misery and the worries to what life might be like on the other side of this.  As this is a blog aimed at those going through a separation it seemed helpful to look at what might be unexpected upsides to divorce because, believe it or not, I have seen people eventually find light at the end of the tunnel and bonuses they didn’t know would be there.

It’s not an easy idea to get your head round.  Particularly if the separation has been thrust upon you and you didn’t want it and especially if if is early days and you feel like you will never not feel sad, distraught, angry, guilty and a multitude of other strong emotions.  But one day you might and it can help in these dark times to know that there might be light at the end of the tunnel and that that light might be beautiful sunlight.

So in this series of blogs I will be look at:

NEXT WEEK: how your relationship with your children can change following a separation – for the better.

15th FEBRUARY: how life could look different for you following a separation and how there may even be good parts (yes really).

22nd FEBRUARY:  I’ll be giving you a bit of inspiration to keep you going if you’re feeling things are pretty tough right now.

Stay tuned for the blogs.  In between the blogs if you’d like additional guidance then would our new FREE 30 minute video on better communication help you and your ex partner better manage your separation?  Our clients often say that communication is one of the biggest issues – after all if you can talk about problems together you can usually resolve them.

We also have the online community Soulful Separation Support where you can get support from others going through a separation and professionals like us.  It’s a closed community so only those in the group can see what’s said.

In this blog we are finishing off the topic by sharing our 5 top tips for what to do in the immediate aftermath of a separation.  These are:

1.  Honour the grief process.  You cannot ignore or bypass this grief process and it’s important to feel and acknowledge where you are each at in terms of your emotions right now.  If you feel you are struggling emotionally then it’s important to get some support.  You could start with your GP in the first instance, or approach a trusted counsellor if you know one.  Friends and family can be a great support but it can also pull them in and they can feel they have to take sides which isn’t always useful.  Don’t wait until things are so bad you feel completely stuck.  Talk to someone at any point if you feel you simply aren’t coping as well as you’d like.  It’s also important to prioritise your own self-care.   Be kind to yourself and don’t give yourself a hard time for finding things difficult or not being in as good a place as you like.  Make time for yourself and don’t commit yourself to things you think would be unhelpful right now.
2. Respect the fact that you may both be at quite different points in the grief process.  Don’t force your partner to talk about resolving long term issues if they’re not ready.  It will be easier, less stressful and likely cheaper if you wait until you are both able to talk reasonably calmly about what happens next.  Remember if you’ve been contemplating the end of the relationship for some time you are likely to be further ahead in the grief process and your partner will need to catch up before you can have the most constructive conversations (or even conversations that feel a tiny bit constructive).
3. When you do decide you both feel equipped to start talking about long term issues then ensure you break things down into manageable steps.  It can help not to put time limits on how quickly you resolve things as this adds a pressure that often isn’t helpful.  Creating a timetable so you both feel reassured about the steps is fine but remember that it’s more important to get things right than it is to have them done quickly.
4. Remember that you need to be able to have a reasonable relationship going forwards if this is possible (in some cases it simply isn’t).  Your children will undoubtedly benefit from having parents who are able to talk about them and who can move children between them without there being arguments and lots of tension.  Your relationship as co-parents may well evolve so don’t worry if it doesn’t feel very friendly right now – it may feel easier once things are sorted out and you are some months or years down the line.  But do be mindful of your actions.  It helps to weigh up how important issues are to you with how they affect the other person.  Keeping things amicable and peaceful is best for all concerned and if you can approach discussions with that in mind then you will both likely benefit, and your children certainly will.
5. Getting the right help at the right time can go a long way to supporting your wish to keep things amicable, constructive and peaceful.  There are a wealth of professionals that can help you make arrangements when you separate.  Family mediators will help you to come together and talk about what happens next, lawyers will advise you what is in your best interests.  Financial advisers will help you to understand what steps you need to take to feel financially secure and well provided for.  Counsellors and coaches can help you to feel more supported and to look at what you need emotionally, and to help you feel more confident about your decision making abilities.  You may find this blog post about having a divorce support team helpful.

If you would like help in managing your separation in the most constructive and peaceful way possible then you can sign up to our free mailing list.  You can also download our free mini guide to separation as part of this.

We also run a free Facebook group where those going through a separation can talk to others in the same situation (people are at varying stages in the separation so can share experiences at all stages) and where professionals come in and talk to you about issues you’re facing and how to deal with them.  It’s called Soulful Separation Support.

We would love to be able to give you a clear formula for exactly when it’s OK to start looking at a resolution but it really is down to how you both feel and it’s important to consider:

• How you each feel – do you feel able to weigh up big decisions about what happens next?
• Your emotional readiness to talk about these issues.  If you are feeling hugely emotional and don’t feel you have moved very far through the grief process then it’s likely to be better to wait.  This applies to both of you so even if you feel ready does your ex-partner?

There may be short term things you need to sort out.  This might be how bills will be paid, or the logistics of one of you moving out, or it might be when you will talk to your children about the fact you’re separating.  Remember that short term solutions just need to be acceptable and don’t need to be brilliant.  You just need to know how you will arrange things in the next few months pending you both feeling a bit more equipped to talk about the longer term.

If you’re not sure what the grief process looks like then have a look at this picture.  You may also find this blog on the grief of divorce helpful.

It’s important to think about where both of you are at in this grief process.  It’s pretty common for the two people involved to be at different stages in the grief process and that in itself can be a barrier to effective communication and to you being able to work together to resolve the various issues.

It can be really frustrating when you have been contemplating the end of the relationship for some time.  You may have been unhappy for months or even years, and now that you have told your partner you want to separate you want to move forward into the next chapter of your life.  This is understandable and you may feel frustrated that your partner is not willing to look to the future, or to talk about what happens next.  But your partner (or ex partner if that’s how you now think of them) may not have been thinking about the relationship ending and they may only be starting the grief process following your conversation.  This means they might be some way behind you in the grief process and will need time, space and understanding to move through this before being able to look at the issues.

Sometimes people can feel like they need to move more quickly.  There may be financial pressures, there may be reasons why acting now will be to your advantage, you may also find continuing to live in the same house intolerable.  The difficulty is that pushing your ex partner to resolve things before they are ready can mean the process of resolving things is a lot more difficult.  To put it simply if resolving things now means pushing against the tide then it might take you longer and might cost you more money.  If your ex partner is struggling to come to terms with your separation but you push them to resolve things then it might end up taking you a year and costing you £5,000 to £10,000 in legal fees.  Whereas if you decided to give them some space for 3 months and then came together when they were in a better place you might find you easily resolve things within 4 months and need a fraction of the legal help which saves you both money – meaning you have more left to house yourselves.  This is of course a fictitious example to illustrate a point and everyone’s situations will be different.  There is no set time frame for the grief process.  Some people report they feel OK within 6 months whereas others report still not feeling grief free 2 years after a separation.  You don’t need to be completely through the grief process to start talking about what happens next but it helps to have travelled some way through it.  You need to be able to appraise different options and make decisions about your future.  You need to feel confident in making those decisions and this can be hard when your emotions are up and down and you still feel very emotional about the situation.  It can also make talking about things difficult and this is an essential part of trying to work out what happens next.

It can help to look at what support you each need to feel equipped to talk about what happens next.  You might feel you need some guidance from a lawyer about what you need to think about and to feel you’re protecting your own interests.  You might need counselling to feel more emotionally equipped to make decisions, or to have strategies for managing the anger, upset and anxiety you might feel.  You might need financial advice to ensure you understand the options open to you and to feel reassured that you are able to make ends meet.  Thinking about what you personally need to feel able to talk about things calmly and to make decisions is a good way of looking at things.  You can be paralysed by reading lots online and not all will be appropriate for you.  But think about what you personally need.  Where do you feel confident and where do you feel you lack confidence in making decisions about your future?

Breaking big decisions down into smaller steps can also be a useful tool to prevent overwhelm.  You can take different parts of the decision, or look at what happens in the next few weeks, and then what happens after that.  Working with a mediator is a great way of being supported to talk about the decisions you need to make and the mediator will help you break things down into smaller steps.  You can also use different professionals like lawyers, counsellors and financial advisors to support the work being done in mediation meetings, so is properly tailored to your needs.

If you would like help in managing your separation in the most constructive and peaceful way possible then you can sign up to our free mailing list.  You can also download our free mini guide to separation as part of this.

We also run a free Facebook group where those going through a separation can talk to others in the same situation (people are at varying stages in the separation so can share experiences at all stages) and where professionals come in and talk to you about issues you’re facing and how to deal with them.  It’s called Soulful Separation Support.

In a new series of blogs we’re going to be looking at making that decision to separate and breaking it down.  In this first blog we’ll be looking at the decision itself and things you might do before you make the decision to separate.  This can be helpful if you’re not sure whether it is the end of the relationship or not.  Sometimes people want to know if they’ve exhausted all the avenues.

We’ll then be looking at how to communicate your decision to both your partner, and later on your children.  We’ll also be looking at the first steps to take once the decision has been made.

In this first blog we will look at making the decision and deciding whether it really is the end.  If you’ve felt unhappy for sometime then it can help to pinpoint exactly what it is that makes you unhappy.  Often there can be a mass of things that are causing you to feel unhappy or unfulfilled and pinpointing the reasons can help you understand whether it’s purely difficulties in your relationship that are making you feel this way.  Perhaps you have felt unsupported for some time?  Or maybe there are things you would like to do that you don’t feel able to because of your current situation?  Maybe you and your partner are simply leading separate lives and you feel there is no common ground or shared interests for you both any more?  Perhaps you feel completely disconnected from each other?

Once you have given some thought to the root causes of your unhappiness or discontent then consider the following:

• Have you properly communicated how you feel to your partner?  You might think you’ve had conversations but so often clients in mediation tell us that they tried to talk to their partner but the other partner didn’t take it seriously and just thought it was a minor blip due to life events, or it being winter, or for some other reason.  By the time the other partner realises their partner is really unhappy and takes steps to address this a decision has been made that separation is now the only option.  Be as clear as you can about how unhappy you are, what the reasons are for this, and what you think would improve the situation?
• It can help to be clear with each other about what steps are needed and the timescale that you will allow a period to improve things.  Saying you need more support with day to day chores and agreeing your partner will hoover every Saturday, wash up every other day and do two school drops and that you will commit to this for 3 months and see how things are gives you both a clear framework.  Perhaps your partner has things they would like you to do to make them feel happier?  These may be more abstract ideas such as listening more, or showing your affection.
• If you feel that things are really bad and you’re struggling to resolve things yourselves then why not consider seeing a counsellor who specialises in relationships?  They will be able to help you unpick what’s going wrong and take steps to change things.  If you both still want to make things work then getting professional help can be the assistance you both need.  It can be tricky to ask people for recommendations but if you know a friend has used someone good then ask.  Alternatively please feel free to get in touch with us has we hold details of relationship counsellors who may be able to help you.
• Make time for your relationship!  If you feel like you’re always working or busy with children then make a date to spend time with each other away from the other pressures.  Put your phones away and talk to each other or just hang out together and try to reconnect.

If you do decide to make the decision to separate then you can get free resources to help you manage this process as constructively and peacefully as possible into your inbox every fortnight via our free mailing list.  We also have a free online group where you can get support from others going through a separation, and from professionals like us.

Christmas can be a challenging time for separated parents.

So here is my take on things.

• Try thinking about arrangements well in advance.  I hear you – that’s all well and good, Emma, but with Government restrictions changing all the time, is this possible?  This year has been harder than normal and being flexible has probably been the name of the game, but that doesn’t mean next year has to be.  Try to avoid thinking about what might happen and have those tricky conversations with the other parent so you can deal with any issues head on.  The children will ultimately benefit when they know, as much as it’s possible anyway, that they are going to spend time with you both and neither of you are going to be left out.  Over this Christmas period, either make a mental note or jot something down about what arrangements worked for the kids and what didn’t.  Then, when the dust has settled, and well in advance of next year’s festivities, start to discuss with the other parent how you feel things would be best for the kids next Christmas.  Having those discussions early could be the key to a less pressurised situation.
• So, things this year might be different.  But different can be good too.  Start some new traditions with the children and take the pressure of yourself to keep everything the same.   If the children are not with you this year, make sure you have a proper celebration with them – they will enjoy having two special days, but also do something for you.  Be with friends or family or do something that makes you happy.  Or spend time alone.  With many people having managed a whole host of extra things this year (including home schooling) maybe you could do with a bit of time alone to recharge and think about how thing have been for you.
• Taking time to reflect is important.  It’s common to feel hopeful and make resolutions going into the new year and 2021 cannot come soon enough for many.  If you can, take some time for yourself over the holidays to reflect on what you have achieved in the last year and the challenges you and your family have faced.  If you want things to be different, focus on how you can get there and the positive steps you can take.

Despite my initial worry, I have really enjoyed writing this series of blogs and, if you have stuck with me and read them all, I thank you.  The only thing left to say – and no-one says it better than my fellow countryman Shakin’ Stevens in possibly the best and cheesiest (I did warn you!) Christmas song ever – “Merry Christmas Everyone”.

Emma Ingham

FMCT

The end is in sight.  The end of 2020, that is.  And thank goodness for that.  This time last year few of us could have predicted what was coming our way and how all of our lives would change so dramatically.  Not being able to go to work, not being able to see our family, our kids not going to school. Life was just unrecognisable and for those who lost loved ones to Covid-19, things would never be the same again.   As we come out of another period of lockdown, I just wanted to take a moment to reflect on how my professional life as a mediator has changed this year.

Family mediators were faced with a whole range of new challenges in 2020.  They had to adapt their way of working very quickly, while supporting their clients with issues no-one had really faced before.   Issues such as parents having very different views on the seriousness of the pandemic and whether their child or children should be going out in public, arrangements for a child to spend time with the parent who they didn’t live with being hindered or stopped and for many, the pressure of living with a partner 24/7 when the relationship was already difficult being too much and the relationship ending. Then no-one being able to move out.  Really difficult situations and often no right answers!

What was also clear was the challenges that 2020 brought put people’s lives and relationships into perspective and propelled action.  Change, whatever form it took, needed to happen for many people. This could mean the end of a relationship or it could mean that people valued the relationships they had even more.  They wanted a better relationship with their children, wanted to spend more time with them.  A result of people wanting change meant a lot of family mediators became even busier.

But with the government advising that those who could work from home, should work from home, family mediators quickly had to adapt.  Face-to-face meetings were just not possible and online mediation sessions were the only alternative for those wishing to proceed.  Although lots of family mediators had offered online mediation before, many had not.  Me included.  The take-up of Zoom and other video conferencing forums increased rapidly and webinars and tutorials were endured.  I even admit to roping family members across the country to help me while I worked out how to set up a Waiting Room or a Break Out room.  But the work paid off and, in my opinion, online mediation has been a positive development to family mediation at this incredibly difficult time.  Apart from the fact that it has allowed family mediation meetings to actually take place during lockdown, online mediation also allows clients more flexibility when setting up meetings around their busy home and work schedules.  It also means that they are at home, where they feel safe and secure and therefore possibly feel more comfortable to discuss difficult issues.  It also provides an element of separation from the other person for those who find it too intense or difficult to be in the same room with.  Online mediation will not be right for everyone and face-to-face meetings will always have a place, but now there is another way of working for clients to consider.

We will all be glad to see the end of 2020 and while the pressure, difficulties and pain that this year has brought us are undeniable, when I look back at my professional life, I feel proud.  I feel proud of myself and of my fellow mediators in the way we have changed the way we work, as I truly believe the work we do makes a difference, in whatever form it takes.

Emma Ingham

FMCT