I recently began my training as an EMDR therapist writes Michelle Rumsey, and since starting the course I’ve been reflecting a lot on trauma and the ways it can impact us in so many areas of our lives. What has struck me most is how the same experience can affect people very differently. Two individuals may go through something similar, yet the emotional and psychological impact can be completely unique to each person.

As both a family mediator and a therapist, this has led me to think more deeply about my work with separating couples. I’ve been wondering whether EMDR could play a role in supporting clients before or even alongside the mediation process.

For many people, the end of a relationship can be a deeply traumatic experience. Clients may come to mediation only a few months after separating, while others may wait a year or more before seeking support. In my experience, the length of time since separation is often less important than a person’s emotional readiness. When clients are able to regulate their emotions, they are generally better able to engage in mediation, make informed decisions, and begin planning for their future.

Divorce is often described as one of the most stressful life events a person can experience. It can bring a wide range of powerful emotions — anger, sadness, frustration, confusion, loss and guilt. For many individuals, separation can have a significant impact on psychological wellbeing. Some people may experience depression, increased alcohol or drug use, health difficulties, or ongoing unhappiness. The breakdown of a relationship can also affect attachment patterns and sometimes trigger earlier unresolved trauma.

When you consider everything someone may already be carrying emotionally, it can feel overwhelming to then ask them to make complex decisions about children, finances and the future. Just thinking about that level of pressure can feel daunting.

Of course, it is also important to recognise that separation is not always negative. For some individuals, particularly those leaving abusive or harmful relationships,  divorce can represent an important and positive step towards safety and a healthier future.

This is where I have been curious about whether EMDR could offer additional support for some clients. EMDR is a trauma-focused therapy designed to help people process difficult experiences and reduce their emotional impact. In theory, helping clients process traumatic memories or emotional triggers could potentially support them to:

• clarify their goals before entering mediation
• process difficult or painful relationship experiences
• reduce emotional reactivity when seeing or speaking with their former partner
• process betrayal or relationship trauma
• lower feelings of anger or shame
• shift negative beliefs about themselves or the situation
• improve emotional regulation during difficult conversations

If clients feel calmer, more emotionally regulated and clearer about what matters to them, they may be better able to engage constructively in mediation and make decisions that support their future.

I am very much at the beginning of my journey as an EMDR therapist, and I am curious to explore whether this approach could help support some of the clients I work with in mediation. I don’t believe there is a single approach that works for everyone, but I do believe that having a range of supportive tools available can only benefit the people we work with.

What I do know is that many professionals working in both therapy and mediation share the same aim, to help individuals and families navigate one of the most challenging periods of their lives with greater understanding, support and care.

If you’d like to talk to Michelle about her work and current training as an EMDR therapist then contact us on 01306 320520 or email admin@lkwfamilymediation.co.uk

• Emotions – Allowing yourself to grieve, a separation is a loss, and you will experience a lot of different emotions, maybe some emotions you have not felt so strongly before. Give yourself the time and space to feel these emotions. It is ok to feel anger, sadness, frustration, relief and so on. These are your emotions, and you are allowed to feel them.
• Support – Look for support around you from the people that you trust and feel safe with. Friends and family. Don’t suffer alone, reach out to others.
• Boundaries – Surround yourself with people that have a positive impact on you. Put boundaries on those that have a negative impact on you, prioritising your needs and not putting unnecessary pressure on yourself.  
• Professionals – Look for a therapist or support group with others that are in a similar situation. I have one near me that is called ‘Divorce Group’ they run 6-week course and share experiences and help with information and support each other.
• Small steps – Whilst we must plan for future events, focus on day-to-day tasks, when you feel ready focus on your next steps and then on the future. There is no set plan when this must be, you can decide when you feel emotionally ready to work towards the next steps.

• Experiences – Try old and new activities you like or may like. When a relationship comes to an end, we work through who we are as an individual and what we like doing, this may be similar activities to before or we may like to try new activities.
• Pleasure – If you find experiences are not as pleasurable as before, look for experiences that give you a little bit of pleasure, even if it is not much as you used to experience. That will come later. Small steps for now, any amount of pleasure is good.
• The outside – Being in fresh air, this could be going for a walk on your own or with others, exercising something that you like and is not a chore.
• Sleep – You may be sleeping more or less than normal. If you are struggling to sleep, try a different routine, if you find it difficult going to sleep, don’t worry research has shown resting in bed is just as important. Allowing yourself 8 hours or rest or sleep in bed. Finding ways to relax and a moment of calmness.
• Eating – Sometimes we eat when we are happy or sad, sometimes we don’t eat when we are happy or sad. Most importantly if you’re eating habits have changed, see food as fuelling, a car would not start if it didn’t have petrol. It is important to fuel yourself to start the day. Regular meals throughout the day, will help with energy and regulating emotions. Research shows if we don’t have fuel in our body we are more emotional and find day to day tasks more difficult.

You may find the free downloads we offer helpful in navigating different aspects of separation. We also have an online course called your Road Map to Surviving and Thriving in divorce that takes you through the things you may need to sort out, as well as things to consider with regard to the more emotional aspects. It also covers each of the 4 Cs of effective communication (Calm, Constructive, Conscious and Compassionate) to help you with other aspects of separation as well as ensuring discussing are productive.

The short answer to this question is yes.  However, as is always the case with everything in life, there are some caveats.

The part of the mediation process where children can have their say is called Child Inclusive Mediation (CIM).  It was introduced in January 2019 when it replaced something called Child Consultation.  CIM reflects the child’s right, as enshrined in the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child (and paralleled in UK legislation, The Children Act 1989), to participate in the process that involves the separation and/or divorce of their parents and subsequent arrangements for the child, where the child, typically, will spend their time split between two houses. 

CIM provides an opportunity for the child to meet a specially trained mediator and have their voice heard.  The child will be reassured that their wishes and feelings are hugely important, but they do not have the responsibility of making any decisions.  This will always rest with their parents.  Parents, however, sometimes need help making big decisions and hearing how their child really sees the situation can be invaluable.

The meeting with the child is confidential and private.  Only the information that the child specifically consents to being relayed to their parents will be.  This is done at a separate meeting. 

Research conducted by Carol Smart, Amanda Wade and Bren Neale, and supported by netmums and Tamara Afifi (courtesy of NFM), shows that most children feel powerless in situations of family change.  They find themselves in a situation which they are forced to accept and yet feel that they have no say in them.

While the benefits of CIM to children and parents are largely recognised, it is important to remember that this part of the process, as with all aspects of mediation, is voluntary for all parties.  It cannot go ahead unless everyone (this includes both parents, the child and the mediator) agrees.  The age of the child will also be relevant.  There are no strict guidelines in this regard, and it will be very much decided on a case-by-case basis.   It’s safe to say though that, while I’m sure it would be very lovely for the mediator, having a CIM session for a one-year-old may not be incredibly useful at that time!

Watch Tom’s Story

The Rights Idea? Children’s rights when parents separate: Tom’s story

Produced the University of Exeter’s The Rights Idea? Project – led by Professor Anne Barlow (with Dr Jan Ewing) (Law School) in partnership with the National Youth Advocacy Service (NYAS) and the National Association of Child Contact Centres (NACCC). 

You might also like more information on our Child Inclusive Mediation service.

According to the Gottman Institute “it is OK to argue in front of kids some of the time. It can actually be good for them. But the kind of argument you’re having and how you communicate your thoughts and feelings makes a BIG difference.” 

If there is a difference of opinion on a certain issue, ensuring that communication remains calm and respectful is essential.  Disagreements are a reality of not only family life but life in general.  Children will experience their own disagreements and conflicts with their friends and siblings, and in the future with their own partners.  They need to learn how to deal with those conflicts by experiencing productive and positive communication, and how this can lead to a resolution. 

However, those at the Gottman Institute also recognise that if children are frequently exposed to incidents of high conflict, they can become “anxious, distressed, sad, angry, and depressed. These feelings result in sleep disturbances, poor performance at school, and difficulty focusing. In the longer term, these kids may become unable to manage conflict and form healthy adult relationships”. 

It is therefore really important to be aware of how your interactions with one another are managed.  Here are some tips:

• Being civil with each other really matters to your children.  Acknowledging one another, making eye contact and entering into small talk at handovers shows your children that you are able to put your differences to one side, to make things easier for them.
• Don’t make things personal.  Avoid speaking negatively about your ex-partner, either in front of them or in the presence of your children. Your children know that they are half you and half their other parent and hearing negative views about either one of you can affect how they see themselves.
• If there is something particularly difficult that you need to discuss, and you anticipate the conversation may not go well, schedule a mutually convenient time for you and your ex-partner to sit down and talk it through, away from the children (i.e they are not in the house at the time).  The opportunity for them to overhear or experience any conflict is then taken away.  If you feel that some support is needed to reach a resolution, consider exploring the option of mediation. This process can provide a safe and professional environment to discuss the issues that you are struggling with, with the help of an impartial third party.  For parents who have not accessed the provision before, the Ministry of Justice provides a Voucher Scheme whereby parents can access £500 towards their joint mediation costs when they wish to discuss arrangements for their children in mediation.  For further information see the link below or get in touch with us on 01306 320520 or via admin@lkwfamilymediation.co.uk as we can claim the voucher for you.

Family Mediation Voucher Scheme – GOV.UK

Other helpful resources:

A simple way to think about co-parenting

The idea of this blog is to give you a basic guide to pensions and some things to think about if you’re currently going through a separation.

The basics

Firstly, if you have ever paid into a pension then you have a pension.  It doesn’t matter if it’s from a job that you left (many) years ago, that pension will still exist unless it was transferred into a different pension.  If you haven’t kept any details then if it was a work pension your previous employer may be able to provide you with details.  Alternatively if you remember the name of the company who administered it then you can contact them.  A trawl through your emails may also give you some clues if you received information via email.

Secondly, for all pensions that you and your spouse/ ex-spouse (there’s no mechanism to share pensions between partners that weren’t married) have you will need to obtain what’s called a Cash Equivalent Transfer Value (sometimes called the Cash Equivalent).  This is the value of the pension fund that you have as at the current time.  There may be other pieces of information you will need and these are discussed later in the blog.  A statement of potential benefits that tells you how much you are likely to receive from this pension when you retire can also be helpful in looking at what your financial position will be in retirement but you will need the valuation too.  These valuations should generally be no more than a year old and the more up to date they are the better.  You can’t make an informed decision about whether to claim against your spouse’s pension unless you know how much is worth.  If you think you’re not interested in this would you still hold the same view if it was worth £250,000?  £500,000?  £1,000,000?  Further, do you know roughly what income they will receive from this pension in retirement?

Pensions are not all alike

There are different types of pension schemes and the scheme you have will be determined by things like whether the pension scheme was provided by an employer or whether this was a pension you set up yourself.  Most people will also be familiar with the state pension.

State pension – this is an amount that you are paid by the government when you retire.  Your State Pension amount depends on your National Insurance record.  If you have always worked and made National Insurance contributions then you may be entitled to a full state pension.  At the time of writing this blog (October 2024) the full state pension is £221.20 per week.  You can Check your State Pension forecast to find out how much you could get when you reach State Pension age. It also shows your National Insurance record.

If you did not work for periods of time, or lived abroad and so did not pay National Insurance or you were contracted out of SERPS before 2016 then these things might impact on whether you get the full state pension.  As part of your discussions it’s helpful to find out how much you will receive by way of a state pension.  It may also be possible for you to claim a state pension based on your spouse’s National Insurance record rather than yours if this would be more beneficial for you.  If you’re not sure then make sure you take some advice with regard to this.

Defined contributions pension scheme

These are sometimes referred to as personal pensions or stakeholder pensions. They’re also sometimes called ‘money purchase’ pension schemes too.  They can be a workplace pension that’s arranged by your employer, or they can be a private pension that you take out yourself.  This might be because you’re self-employed and don’t get a pension from an employer, or because you want to top up other pension provision you have.

Money paid in by you (or your employer) is put into investments (usually managed by people called fund managers whose job it is to get the best return on monies invested in the pension) by the pension provider. The value of your pension pot can go up or down depending on how the investments perform.  Whilst this might cause you concern most money invested in pensions is there for the long term so fluctuations are normal.  If you have a pensions adviser they may discuss with you your attitude to risk so that they can look at whether to invest monies in high risk funds (where there may be a greater return on the investment but there is a greater risk) or whether to keep the risk more medium to low.

Some schemes move your money into lower-risk investments as you get close to retirement age. You may be able to ask for this if it does not happen automatically.  As with any investment, it’s a good idea to keep an eye on how your pension fund is growing and to discuss things regularly with a financial advisor if you have one.  That way you can stay on top of whether your pension is growing at a rate you’d like, depending on when you’d like to retire and the level of income you’d like to have.  If the scheme is provided by an employer you may have less control over what happens but you can still talk to a pensions adviser so you can arrange further provision if you feel the pension you get from your employer won’t meet your needs in retirement.  Your employer may provide access to a pensions adviser.

When you retire the amount you will receive depends on how much has been paid into the pension scheme (by you and your employer if they contribute), how well the investment has performed over time, and how you decide to take the money.  You can choose to be paid the money monthly as a regular payment or you can choose to take some of the money as a tax free lump sum when you retire and receive the rest by way of a monthly pension.  You can usually take up to 25% of the amount built up in any pension as a tax-free lump sum. The most you can take is currently £268,275.  The amount you can take tax free may be more if you’re eligible for a lifetime or protected allowance and you should take specialist advice to find out more.

Defined benefits pension scheme.

This is a pension scheme where the amount you’re paid is based on how many years you’ve been a member of the employer’s scheme and the salary you’ve earned when you leave or retire.  You may have also heard these kind of pensions referred to as final salary.

You might have one if you’ve worked for a large employer or in the public sector.

Your employer contributes to the scheme and is responsible for ensuring there’s enough money at the time you retire to pay your pension income.

You can contribute to the scheme too, and, depending on the scheme, this may be a requirement.  They differ from defined contributions because the amount you receive is based on the benefits you have accrued (e.g a percentage of your salary) rather than being based on the money that is in the pension fund.  For this reason many people consider that a defined benefits scheme with a Cash Equivalent Transfer Value of £100,000 is more valuable than a defined contributions pension scheme with a CETV of £100,000.

To look at it another way (we’re using round figures to make this easier to explain) if your defined benefits pension scheme terms state that you can earn up to 50% of your final salary if you do 25 years’ service and you retire after being there for 25.5 years then you will (in this simple example) be paid £20,000 a year in retirement, if your final salary was £40,000.  So the pension fund will pay you £20,000 a year until you die.  This could be for approximately 20 to 40 years (if you live to 100 or more) depending on how long you live, and how old you are when you retire (most schemes will stipulate the minimum retirement age).  So even if the Cash Equivalent Transfer Value is £325,000 the fund will guarantee paying out £400,000 if you receive £20,000 a year for 20 years.

SIPP or self invested personal pension

These are personal pensions like defined contribution pensions but they allow you to control the specific investments that make up your pension fund.  With a SIPP, you choose and manage your own investments or pay an authorised financial adviser to help you.  They can offer much wider investment options than other pension types but it is important to have specialist and regulated advice to ensure you understand what you’re doing and to ensure you work within the rules, and are aware of any potential issues that might crop up.

The assets that can be invested in include:

• company shares (UK and overseas)
• collective investments – such as open-ended investment companies (OEICs) and unit trusts
• investment trusts
• property and land – but not most residential property.

This list isn’t exhaustive – different SIPP providers offer different investment options.

You can’t usually use a SIPP to invest in residential property. But it might be possible to invest in commercial property, such as offices.

Understanding the types of pensions that people can have helps you to make informed decisions about pensions as part of your separation.  It is always sensible to get some financial advice from an Independent Financial Advisor or Chartered Financial Planner to ensure you are making decisions that are in your best interests financially.

What can we do with pensions when we get divorced

There are four main options you can choose for dealing with your pensions when you get divorced:

1. You each keep your own pensions.  If you each have similar types of pensions with similar values then you may not feel it’s appropriate to share pensions.  Or there may be reasons why you both believe that some or all of the pensions you have are non-matrimonial assets.  If you’re not sure then get some advice from a specialist family lawyer.

• Offsetting – this is where one person keeps their pension and the other person gets other assets to offset the pension value.  Whilst there can be sound reasons for thinking of this it is important to remember a couple of things:
  • Make sure you truly understand the value of the pension you’re not claiming on.  This isn’t just about the Cash Equivalent Transfer Value of the pension, it’s also about the type of pension and the benefits your ex-spouse will receive.  Make sure you take advice.
  • It can be attractive to think that you will keep a house you love and feel secure in instead of seeking a share in a pension you can’t yet claim.  But think about (and take some advice on) how you will make ends meet in retirement.  If you’re going to be forced to sell the house because you can’t afford to keep it when you retire, then it won’t give you security forever.  It’s not fun to be sat in a house that needs repairs and not be able to afford to do those repairs.  Plus if your ex has had time to save some money to buy a house then they may have a permanent home and a good pension.  If that’s the case how will you feel about that?

• Ear marking or pension attachment order – this tends to only be used in certain circumstances.  The pension being shared is retained by the person whose pension it is and an agreed share is paid to the other person every time there is a pension payment (usually monthly but this could be a lump sum).  Payments will only be made once the person whose pension it is becomes eligible.   If the person with the pension dies then the other person will usually stop receiving any money from this pension.

• Pension Sharing Order – this is where a percentage of one person’s pension is removed from their pension and paid into a pension in the other person’s name.  Depending on the terms of the pension scheme the person gaining the pension benefit would either have to set up a pension within the pension scheme the benefit was coming from, or it would have to be transferred out of the scheme to a different scheme.  The terms of the pension scheme will tell you what needs to be done in each case and should set out the costs of doing this.  Once the pension credit is transferred into a pension in the name of the pension who is receiving it, it becomes their pension and will always be their pension – even when their ex-spouse dies.

Pension sharing or pension attachment orders can only be made by a court and can’t be made informally between separating spouses. 

When you’re discussing what happens next following a decision to separate then it’s important to think about:

1. What pensions do you each have?  What are their Cash Equivalent Transfer Values and what type of schemes are they?  You will need to ask for the information if you don’t have a statement with this information that’s less than a year old.  Make sure this is done for each pension that either of you have.  You can just contact the pension provide and ask for this and they will provide you with information on how to get this.  Depending on the pension scheme it can take some time.

• Do you have questions about the pensions your ex has disclosed?  Do they cover their whole employment history?  Did you remember they have an additional pension that hasn’t been disclosed?  Sometimes people forget what pensions they have (especially if they have one from a previous position they don’t pay into any more) so always ask the questions.

• Do you know where to go to get advice on pensions?  Your lawyer will be able to advise you about the questions to ask but you should also consider taking financial advice.  If you’re not sure how to find someone then why not ask friends and family or your lawyer or mediator.

• It’s hard to talk about pensions and it can become bamboozling technical, so it can help to think about some general principles.  Do you want to make sure you both have the same income in retirement?  Do you want to make sure you both have pension funds the same size?  Remember that just because your funds are the same size it doesn’t mean you will get equal income or benefit from them.  Do you feel you have sufficient time before you both retire to improve your pension provision?  Is there an age difference between you in which case one person may have more time to pay into a pension.  These are all things to take into account and to discuss together (either between yourselves or with assistance from a mediator, or your lawyers).

Where you want to do something that requires calculations to be made about your pensions then it helps to involve an actuary.  These are pension experts who can also make complicated calculations such as how to equalise your income in retirement from the pensions you have.  They can also factor in things like paying the lowest charges if you’re going to share pensions.  They will also factor in the different benefit that different pensions schemes have.  If you have substantial pensions (the rule of thumb is pensions with a total value of over £100,000) then it’s even more important that you get specialist financial advice to make sure you are both getting the best value from decisions you make about pensions.

If you feel you need greater detail on understanding pensions then have a look at this guide. 

Positive Psychology is the science of happiness and is concerned with helping individuals flourish and thrive in life. Whereas traditional Psychology looks at what’s ‘wrong’ with people, Positive Psychology focuses on the positives and negatives equally. It focuses on what’s going well in your life, with your relationships and work and building on your strengths.

We’re all hardwired to focus more on the negative things in life… it’s called ‘negativity bias’… and it’s our brain’s way of keeping us safe. And when you’re going through a divorce, which is the second most stressful life event you can experience, it can be hard to believe that there’s anything to be positive about! But there are always things to feel positive about… it’s about bringing your focus onto those things.

The first stage of feeling happier after your divorce is acknowledging that you have the power to change your mindset and your wellbeing. Studies have shown that 40% of our happiness is within our control and only 10% is due to our circumstances (the other 50% is genetic). You’re much more in control of your own happiness than you might think.

There are many tools in Positive Psychology to help you change how you think and feel in an instant and these can be transformational. Some of these practices you’ll only need to do once to create a shift, and others will become daily practices. These small practices will all have a compounding effect over time and lead to improved happiness and wellbeing.

So here are 8 tools from the science of Positive Psychology to help you to feel happier after your divorce:

Positive Emotions brainstorm – brainstorm all the things that bring you joy and happiness in your life. What do you love doing? What makes you laugh? Who do you love to be with? What have you always wanted to do? Focus on finding the micro joys in your day… those small moments of joy in your everyday life that give you that dopamine hit and make you feel happy. Start to actively plan some of these activities into your day and week and notice how your happiness starts to increase.

Surround yourself with people who light you up – Research has shown that emotions are contagious. We’re wired to mimic the facial expressions and moods of the people we’re with. When you’re going through your divorce surround yourself with people who light you up and make you feel good about yourself. Their positivity will rub off on you. Limit your time spent with people who drain you and just want to hear the ins and outs of what’s going on in your life – that just reconnects you with all the negative emotions.

3 Good Things – This is one of the most used and well-known Positive Psychology tools. It’s been proven to significantly improve wellbeing and reduce symptoms of depression. At the end of your day write down 3 things that have gone well for you and really take the time to connect with those things and feel the emotions associated with them. Reflect on why each thing happened and your role in it. Just start with something small if you struggle to start with.

Start paying attention to the questions you’re asking yourself – Asking yourself questions like ‘why aren’t I good enough?’ or ‘What’s wrong with me?’ just puts the focus on what isn’t working well in your life and keeps you in victim mode. Instead ask yourself more empowering questions like ‘What can I do right now to improve my mood?’ or ‘What’s one thing I’m grateful for in my life right now?’. What you focus on in life is what you get so start focusing on the positives.

Random Acts of Kindness – Studies done in Positive Psychology show that 1 of the 5 side effects of kindness is an increase in happiness. When we focus on others and how we can help them, our energy shifts into the positive and we open ourselves up to a lot more happiness. There’s also a ripple effect from you showing kindness to someone… kindness is contagious. It’s not about the grand gestures either, just doing something small for someone else can really help to increase your happiness. Make the effort to simply be on the lookout for opportunities to be kind to people. Just making the conscious decision to do this will help you spot things you might have missed before.

Reframe it! – This is such a simple tool… but so effective. It’s a powerful technique that you can use at any time in your life to dial down the intensity of any negative emotions you may be feeling. It does take practice but becomes so much easier over time. You’re retraining your brain to naturally focus more on the positives. The first stage of using this reframing technique, is to become conscious of the thoughts you’re having and where your focus is.

Then flip those thoughts and reframe them. Ask yourself what’s one good thing, or positive thing about the situation. There will always be something.

Celebrate your wins – This helps to foster a sense of accomplishment which is essential for us to flourish and thrive in life. Research in positive psychology has shown that celebrating the small wins, and more frequently, has a bigger impact than waiting for the big thing to celebrate. It can feel like you have a mountain to climb when you’re going through a divorce so it’s important to celebrate all the small steps and wins along the way. It helps to build momentum and encourages you to keep going so you can find happiness again and the life you deserve. It boosts your mood and confidence which keeps you motivated on the tough days.

Best possible self exercise – This tool is a powerful way of changing your mindset about the future and feeling more optimism about it. One of the most difficult things when you’re going through a divorce is imagining what your future will look like without your ex and this can be overwhelming, especially if it’s not something you wanted. Take some time to sit down and journal or visualise what your life would look like if everything has turned out in the best possible way. This helps you to identify what you really want and then you can set yourself goals and start working towards that. Keep coming back to the exercise to gain more clarity over time.

Sarah Woodward is a multi-award-winning Breakup and Divorce coach and supports you through the emotional and practical challenges of your breakup so that you can make divorce your happy ever after.

She is also a Positive Psychology Coach, a qualified Personal and Business Coach and a Narcissism Trained Coach with additional training to support clients who are in abusive relationships.

You can contact her at sarah@sarah-woodward.com. For more resources, or to book a free clarity call to chat about how coaching could support you, go to her website www.sarah-woodward.com

You can download her free guide: Make divorce the best thing that’s ever happened to you here: https://sarah-woodward.co.uk/make-divorce-the-best-thing-thats-ever-happened-to-you

The publication starts with some important statistics:

• In 2021 there were 2.3 million separated families in the UK, with 3.6 million children
• Almost half of children are growing up outside the traditional nuclear family
• 44% of babies at the start of the century did not live with both biological parents their entire childhood
• Every year approximately 280,000 children have parents who separate

That is a huge number of children and shockingly no government department takes overall responsibility for them. They are, by virtue of what they are living through, vulnerable. The Department of Education looks at their education and their child protection, and the Ministry of Justice looks at applications for child arrangements orders and the like through court. Many children are never subject to court proceedings and so are simply swallowed up in the number of children going to school. They don’t automatically have any specialist support, or even an automatic safe place to talk about what’s happening to them.

As part of this report the Family Solutions Group carried out two consultations. One was with a cross section of experienced multi-disciplinary professionals and the second was with 112 members of the Youth Parliament who were aged 11-18. I just wanted to pull out some of the things that leapt out to me as part of this report:

• Parents are not always the best judge of how their children are coping
• Children need access to a listening ear which doesn’t have to specialist counselling or support
• Outcomes are better when children of a suitable age are consulted about arrangements but this rarely happens
• 74% of children consulted didn’t know who to ask for for support and the majority of children didn’t know about any support services that could help them
• 67% felt teachers didn’t understand their needs when going through a separation
• Young people said they had to grow up more quickly and choose which parent they preferred, which they felt was an unfair question. They said parents could be manipulative.
• Children talked about things being done to them rather than done with them.
• One clinical psychologist put it that ‘children need more rights and fewer responsibilities’.
• This quote really stood out to me given the large numbers of children of separated parents we’re talking about: ‘Teachers are trained in how to spot someone being a terrorist or FGM, but the normal signs that a child might be going through a family separation are overlooked in our training.’
• This comment from a 14 year old male also stood out to me ‘‘Sadly this happens all too often, it’s tough and it will be hard, and you will feel guilty spending more time with one parent than the other, but you shouldn’t; it is not your fault, and you are trying to find your way they need to listen to what you want and why’.

What does this mean if you’re a separating parent?

It means you get a great heads up on what your child might be thinking and feeling. Have a look at the report (or the summary) and see the kind of things young people said. Secondly, talk to your children. Don’t try to make things alright or to deny how they are feeling. Ask them what they’re worried about and listen and acknowledge their worries. You may think they’re unfounded but if your children are thinking it then it’s a worry for them. You may be able to provide reassurance but don’t dismiss it. Thirdly, how good are you at keeping your children away from your conflict? Do your children truly know that they still have two parents that love them and that each parent is 100% OK with them seeing, spending time with and loving the other parent?

What does it mean if you work with separating couples or individuals?

Bluntly, it means we all need to pay more attention to the children. This is tough because the vast majority of family practitioners will never meet the children of their clients. Here are some simple things I think we as practitioners can do, and do better (and I absolutely include myself in the doing better suggestion):

• Ask and ask again about the children. How are they coping? What support are they getting? What are they worried about? Are they being involved in decision making in an age appropriate way?
• When you’re discussing steps to take do you talk about the impact things have on the children? For example, when a lawyer gives advice for a parent to stay in the home to ensure their rights are protected do they acknowledge and discuss the impact on children of continuing to live where there is conflict? How can this be managed or ideally lessened?
• Have you explained how the children’s voices might be heard? This might be informally by parents or it might be through Child Inclusive Mediation? Do you feel you have the skills and the information to explain these things?

For further guidance you may find this blog on connecting with your child after separation by Mette Theilmann helpful.

The simple truth is that when your partner tells you they want to separate, or you make the decision to end your relationship, it doesn’t mean that love immediately evaporates into thin air. Sometimes it moved out a long time ago and other times it still sits there; the elephant in the room. Part of what we do in mediation is naming that elephant and looking it in the eye so this seemed to be a blog that needed to be written.

We all grow up with different experiences of love. We may have had parents who openly expressed their love and affection for each other. Alternatively, we may have had parents who frowned on such things but who were still kind and polite to each other. Equally some of us may have been brought up in families where love didn’t feel safe or like something you would want to embrace at all. Since we all have different life experiences we all have different feelings about love and responses to it.

We have the romantics who love a truly a romantic, soul driven love connection. The story of Romeo and Juliet’s forbidden love is a classic but this scenario has been played out in so many other stories. I think the ones that immediately come to me are Angel and Buffy, or Sadie and Kevin in the Across the Barricades books by Joan Lingard. Am I showing my age and teenage experiences? If we think Disney too then we were brought up on messages that love conquers everything: racism, religious intolerance, angry parents and all manner of other situations.

As you get older you realise that things are rarely so black and white and that love does not always conquer. Indeed abuse, narcissistic personality disorder, differences in parenting and a family that does not like your spouse are some of the things that my work tells me it’s pretty darn hard for love to conquer.

One of the things that fascinates me is about the way that we express our love for people in our lives (be it our partner, our children or other family and friends). I love the 5 languages of love as this makes so much sense to me. You can make the most earnest declarations of love but if you’re saying it in Italian and your partner only speaks Mandarin they won’t know or appreciate how you feel. The 5 languages of love runs along this theme. The idea is that there are 5 love languages: acts of servitude, gifts, quality time, physical touch and words of affirmation. We all like to have love spoken to us in our primary love language. But we tend to express love in our primary language rather than in the language that is our partner (or child or other person’s) primary language. This can lead to the person we’re expressing love to not hearing what we’re trying to say. As you might imagine I see this quite a lot in my work and it’s something that often crops up when I hear people talk about difficulties in the relationships in their lives.

I have also for some years been intrigued by the commonly held myth that love can turn to hate in a heartbeat. I don’t believe it. I believe that one of the messy truths in life is that you can still love someone even though other people don’t want you to, and even though you are disgusted with yourself for feeling that way. Still feeling that intensity of emotion when you’d rather not means it’s easier to talk about hating someone but it is not always this clear cut – much as might prefer it to be.

Some clients have shared with me along the way that although their ex has behaved in an unkind, hurtful and disrespectful way they would still get back together in a heartbeat. More than one person has told me that they used to think about this happening to help them get to sleep.

So what can you do when you still love your ex but desperately don’t want to?

1. Acknowledge how you feel (to yourself – you’re not obliged to share unless you feel it would be helpful to do so) and accept that love and emotions are complicated and this may be the case for a while. You may always love them although the intensity and nature of your love might change over time. If you have children with your ex there will forever be a connection between the two of you and you may feel that you will always love them for the fact that you created children together. This is natural and normal.
2. Much as people may want to feel that they “got over” a long relationship in a few short months the reality is more likely to be a couple of years than a couple of months. You may not feel such intense pain for all of that time but it may be a longer adjustment than you might think. Time doesn’t automatically heal but it can give some perspective that changes the emotions. Different people have different experiences so it won’t necessarily be the same for you as it is for someone else.
3. If you are finding it really difficult to manage your emotions on a day to day basis, or to function in daily life then you might find you need professional support. Since divorce and separation are the third most stressful life event anybody goes through there is zero shame in this. Talking to a professional in a safe space can help you to talk about and understand how you’re feeling. They may also be able to help you develop healthy coping mechanisms whilst you work through your grief.

If this blog resonates then I would love to know. I’d also love to know what the most powerful love stories you watched or read about when you were growing up were? What did you learn about love from these?

If you feel you could do with a pick me up at this difficult time then you can sign up for 5 days of loving and inspiring messages directly into your inbox from us at LKW Family Mediation. There’s a bit of separation support thrown in too. If you’d like to know more about family mediation then we have some information for you.

Here are some helpful tips from Michelle Rumsey on how to manage the Christmas period:

• Communication: Open and honest communication between co-parents is key. Start the conversation as soon as possible. If you haven’t had it already then you definitely need to start now. Creating space and time to explore different options. Think about how this change will impact both of you.
• Children always being at the forefront of your mind: Each child is unique and has different needs depending on developmental age, relationship with extended family, friends locally, hobbies, parties. What is best for your child/ren? How can you create new happy memories? What can you both do to help your children be excited about Christmas rather than apprehensive about the changes?
• Plan: Create a plan together in how you communicate best, face to face, email, telephone. Be specific about drop offs and pick ups and what will happen each day over the holidays. Christmas extends over 2 weeks for children.  Whilst it’s natural to see Christmas day as the main event you can do the same things as a family on any other day in the Christmas holidays and most children won’t object to having two days of celebration!

• Be flexible: Children’s needs come first, at the last minute they may be invited to a party or they may want to see a grandparent or they may be unwell. It is important communication doesn’t stop after the plan has been agreed. Changes sometimes happen we can not plan for although it can help to think about what bumps in the road might crop up and talk about how you would deal with them.
• Once agreed on a plan: Put this in writing, you are all clear on the arrangements, communication and expectations.
• Keep the children informed: Depending on Childrens age and needs ask the children what they would like, let them express their preferences and hopes. Involved them, if appropriate, in the planning. Children often have creative ways of managing things and it can be empowering for them to know they’ve been involved in some of the decision making.
• Alternate years: Many parents find it helpful to alternate Christmas arrangements each year. For example, one parent has the Children on Christmas day this year and the other parent has them the next year. This way, both parents get to celebrate with the children on special occasions. Some parents set things up so that the children are with one parent on Christmas Day, and the other on Boxing Day and it changes each year. What will work best for your family?
• Stay positive: Remember that holiday arrangements can be challenging, but maintaining a positive approach and cooperation will create a better experience for everyone. It can always take time for new things to feel normal especially after a big change like a divorce or separation.

• Be sensitive: The change and unknown of the first Christmas after separation can create different emotions, negative and positive. Be sensitive to everyone’s emotions and understand emotions are challenged and change. You and your co-parent might be experiencing different emotions but it help to treat the way you each feel as being valid.

If you find it difficult to reach an agreement on your own, consider Mediation to help support this discussion. Mediation can help facilitate discussions and reach a resolution that feels fair to everyone involved. Your children can also have their say in the mediation process so that you factor in their ideas. This is generally for children of 10 and older and only happens where both parents and the children want it to but it can be a useful way of ensuring everyone’s voices are heard in the arrangements that you make. The goal is to make the Christmas season as memorable for your children and yourselves as possible and that can sometimes require some creativity and to think outside the box about what will work for you.

That is why, when discussing a financial settlement in mediation, your mediator will help you look at your finances in realistic terms, by going through what is known as a “reality test” with you.  The term itself is not one, personally, I am particularly fond of.  However, the fact of the matter is, it is a hugely important part of the process.  If you wish to have any agreed financial settlement approved by the court by way of a Consent Order, the Court will want to see that the proposed settlement is affordable for both parties.  That everyone can meet their needs going forwards.  Yes, this is hugely important.  But it is also hugely important that the parties themselves know that their financial situation is secure.  That they are going to be ok. 

If there are divorce proceedings, during the financial disclosure process, both parties must disclose their respective incomes.  This is on an annual basis and on a monthly basis.  When looking at the monthly income, both the gross income and the net income will be recorded.   It is essential to see what is really coming in every month.  Then both parties will be asked to look at what they think their anticipated monthly expenditure will be going forwards.  Now this is where it gets really tricky.  At the moment, it is really difficult for most people to anticipate what their bills are going to be, whether we are looking at weekly food shop, energy bills or indeed their mortgage repayments.  But, if you are thinking of moving to a new house or even a new area and going from a two-income household to a one income household, having a grasp of what those bills are going to look like is going to be hard, but essential.  The mediator will be able to provide you with a list of items to think about.  A bit like a budget.  The big bills will be on there, like rent or mortgage repayments.  But it may also contain things like haircuts and birthday presents.  Things that you might forget to budget for but will inevitably come up.  Getting some numbers down in that budget is the first step.  However, as different options are discussed, maybe about where both parties are thinking of living in the future and in what type of property, the budget can be revisited.  And yes, sometimes, expenditure may exceed income and will need to be looked at again, and the numbers reduced.  Taking advice from professionals such as Independent Financial Advisors, Mortgage Brokers or the Citizens Advice Bureau may also be helpful, and your mediator will be able to signpost you to relevant people. 

I completely acknowledge that the reality test does not sound fun.  However, your mediator will be there to support and guide you through the process and will ensure that both parties are looking at any options realistically.  You’ll be pleased you did it in the long run. 

If you’d like help deciding what happens next financially after a separation then give us a call on 01306 32020 or email admin@lkwfamilymediation.co.uk