I recently began my training as an EMDR therapist writes Michelle Rumsey, and since starting the course I’ve been reflecting a lot on trauma and the ways it can impact us in so many areas of our lives. What has struck me most is how the same experience can affect people very differently. Two individuals may go through something similar, yet the emotional and psychological impact can be completely unique to each person.

As both a family mediator and a therapist, this has led me to think more deeply about my work with separating couples. I’ve been wondering whether EMDR could play a role in supporting clients before or even alongside the mediation process.

For many people, the end of a relationship can be a deeply traumatic experience. Clients may come to mediation only a few months after separating, while others may wait a year or more before seeking support. In my experience, the length of time since separation is often less important than a person’s emotional readiness. When clients are able to regulate their emotions, they are generally better able to engage in mediation, make informed decisions, and begin planning for their future.

Divorce is often described as one of the most stressful life events a person can experience. It can bring a wide range of powerful emotions — anger, sadness, frustration, confusion, loss and guilt. For many individuals, separation can have a significant impact on psychological wellbeing. Some people may experience depression, increased alcohol or drug use, health difficulties, or ongoing unhappiness. The breakdown of a relationship can also affect attachment patterns and sometimes trigger earlier unresolved trauma.

When you consider everything someone may already be carrying emotionally, it can feel overwhelming to then ask them to make complex decisions about children, finances and the future. Just thinking about that level of pressure can feel daunting.

Of course, it is also important to recognise that separation is not always negative. For some individuals, particularly those leaving abusive or harmful relationships,  divorce can represent an important and positive step towards safety and a healthier future.

This is where I have been curious about whether EMDR could offer additional support for some clients. EMDR is a trauma-focused therapy designed to help people process difficult experiences and reduce their emotional impact. In theory, helping clients process traumatic memories or emotional triggers could potentially support them to:

• clarify their goals before entering mediation
• process difficult or painful relationship experiences
• reduce emotional reactivity when seeing or speaking with their former partner
• process betrayal or relationship trauma
• lower feelings of anger or shame
• shift negative beliefs about themselves or the situation
• improve emotional regulation during difficult conversations

If clients feel calmer, more emotionally regulated and clearer about what matters to them, they may be better able to engage constructively in mediation and make decisions that support their future.

I am very much at the beginning of my journey as an EMDR therapist, and I am curious to explore whether this approach could help support some of the clients I work with in mediation. I don’t believe there is a single approach that works for everyone, but I do believe that having a range of supportive tools available can only benefit the people we work with.

What I do know is that many professionals working in both therapy and mediation share the same aim, to help individuals and families navigate one of the most challenging periods of their lives with greater understanding, support and care.

If you’d like to talk to Michelle about her work and current training as an EMDR therapist then contact us on 01306 320520 or email admin@lkwfamilymediation.co.uk

According to the Gottman Institute “it is OK to argue in front of kids some of the time. It can actually be good for them. But the kind of argument you’re having and how you communicate your thoughts and feelings makes a BIG difference.” 

If there is a difference of opinion on a certain issue, ensuring that communication remains calm and respectful is essential.  Disagreements are a reality of not only family life but life in general.  Children will experience their own disagreements and conflicts with their friends and siblings, and in the future with their own partners.  They need to learn how to deal with those conflicts by experiencing productive and positive communication, and how this can lead to a resolution. 

However, those at the Gottman Institute also recognise that if children are frequently exposed to incidents of high conflict, they can become “anxious, distressed, sad, angry, and depressed. These feelings result in sleep disturbances, poor performance at school, and difficulty focusing. In the longer term, these kids may become unable to manage conflict and form healthy adult relationships”. 

It is therefore really important to be aware of how your interactions with one another are managed.  Here are some tips:

• Being civil with each other really matters to your children.  Acknowledging one another, making eye contact and entering into small talk at handovers shows your children that you are able to put your differences to one side, to make things easier for them.
• Don’t make things personal.  Avoid speaking negatively about your ex-partner, either in front of them or in the presence of your children. Your children know that they are half you and half their other parent and hearing negative views about either one of you can affect how they see themselves.
• If there is something particularly difficult that you need to discuss, and you anticipate the conversation may not go well, schedule a mutually convenient time for you and your ex-partner to sit down and talk it through, away from the children (i.e they are not in the house at the time).  The opportunity for them to overhear or experience any conflict is then taken away.  If you feel that some support is needed to reach a resolution, consider exploring the option of mediation. This process can provide a safe and professional environment to discuss the issues that you are struggling with, with the help of an impartial third party.  For parents who have not accessed the provision before, the Ministry of Justice provides a Voucher Scheme whereby parents can access £500 towards their joint mediation costs when they wish to discuss arrangements for their children in mediation.  For further information see the link below or get in touch with us on 01306 320520 or via admin@lkwfamilymediation.co.uk as we can claim the voucher for you.

Family Mediation Voucher Scheme – GOV.UK

Other helpful resources:

A simple way to think about co-parenting

Going through a separation is a really scary time with many uncertainties about what will happen and what the likely outcome will be. Many believe that going to court will somehow right the injustices that they have suffered, and ensure that there is an outcome that they are happy with. There can be great shock at how little time they spend with a Judge, and how that Judge will ignore issues that may seem important, grievous or significant to the people they relate to (because that is the Judge’s job to cut to the issues). Before embarking on a court application many people think that they will get a hearing date relatively quickly, and/or that things will be resolved by attending court once. It can be very disheartening to learn that you need to attend a number of court hearings to get things resolved, and that there can be many months of waiting for hearing dates. It is not uncommon for hearings you have waited months for to then be cancelled at the last meeting and this is psychologically challenging to deal with when you have been focused on that date for some time. The new date could again be months into the future.

The changes address the issues with the MIAM requirement not being taken seriously all the time, and set a very clear tone that the could be a last resort for most and certainly not the first step.  The government wants only those who really need the courts to use them as this will ensure the availability of Judges and court time for those that really need them.

So what are the changes? From now any party applying to the court for assistance with resolving a family issue (whether that is finance or children related or both) has to show what they have done to resolve issues without going to court.  This is NOT a tick box exercise as the new form FM5 that they are required to provide contains boxes to explain what has been done so it quite literally isn’t just about ticking boxes.

This requirement will be looked at by Judges (who are getting further training) and costs orders can be made where one person has unreasonably refused to engage in Non-Court Dispute Resolution.  You may have seen the term NCDR for short. There are, of course, exemptions for victims of Domestic Abuse as some of the Non-Court Dispute Resolution processes may not be appropriate for them. If this is you and you particularly have concerns about mediation then please know that mediators NEVER bring two people together in the same room (whether a physical or online room) without having seen you both individually for a meeting to assess whether it would be safe, appropriate and suitable to do so.

What does NCDR mean?  Well mediation is one big part of this (and there is much information about mediation on this site) but it also includes:

• Collaborative practice (where you talk about issues in meetings like mediation but where you each have a specially trained lawyer that supports you and you all agree that things will be resolved in that process, and not in court);
• Tools to assist you in negotiation such as getting an expert solicitor or barrister to give you their opinion on the right outcome to help you move pass points where you are stuck.  This is called an Early Neutral Evaluation.
• Arbitration – this is where a private judge (who is usually a solicitor or barrister who has done other qualifications) decides things for you.  That might be everything or it might be just the bits you’re stuck on.  
• You could also use an Arbitrator to have a Private Financial Dispute Resolution hearing to help you negotiate by telling you what they think the likely outcome is.  This is what a Judge does in a Financial Dispute Resolution hearing but a private judge gives you their full attention and time, and you will usually be able to arrange this more quickly than waiting for the court timetable to get to that point
• But crucially it isn’t just limited to these things.  If you can show you have tried to address things outside of court then this may count to.  To be clear though, there is a big difference for everyone between “my solicitor wrote 3 letters” and “my ex and I have had several meetings over a few months and narrowed down our issues”.

The single most important thing that you need to know if you’re going through a separation, is that you must show what you have done to resolve issues without the court and this must be clear about demonstrating the efforts that have been made. Without this you run the risk of costs orders being made.  Your mediator should give you information about these processes at a MIAMS meeting and if you’re instructing a lawyer they should give you information to. If either person doesn’t then ask!

If you truly want to understand more about all the NCDR options and their advantages and disadvantages then you may find the (Almost) Anything But the Family Court book by Jo O’Sullivan useful. There’s also a digital edition of the book.

The simple truth is that when your partner tells you they want to separate, or you make the decision to end your relationship, it doesn’t mean that love immediately evaporates into thin air. Sometimes it moved out a long time ago and other times it still sits there; the elephant in the room. Part of what we do in mediation is naming that elephant and looking it in the eye so this seemed to be a blog that needed to be written.

We all grow up with different experiences of love. We may have had parents who openly expressed their love and affection for each other. Alternatively, we may have had parents who frowned on such things but who were still kind and polite to each other. Equally some of us may have been brought up in families where love didn’t feel safe or like something you would want to embrace at all. Since we all have different life experiences we all have different feelings about love and responses to it.

We have the romantics who love a truly a romantic, soul driven love connection. The story of Romeo and Juliet’s forbidden love is a classic but this scenario has been played out in so many other stories. I think the ones that immediately come to me are Angel and Buffy, or Sadie and Kevin in the Across the Barricades books by Joan Lingard. Am I showing my age and teenage experiences? If we think Disney too then we were brought up on messages that love conquers everything: racism, religious intolerance, angry parents and all manner of other situations.

As you get older you realise that things are rarely so black and white and that love does not always conquer. Indeed abuse, narcissistic personality disorder, differences in parenting and a family that does not like your spouse are some of the things that my work tells me it’s pretty darn hard for love to conquer.

One of the things that fascinates me is about the way that we express our love for people in our lives (be it our partner, our children or other family and friends). I love the 5 languages of love as this makes so much sense to me. You can make the most earnest declarations of love but if you’re saying it in Italian and your partner only speaks Mandarin they won’t know or appreciate how you feel. The 5 languages of love runs along this theme. The idea is that there are 5 love languages: acts of servitude, gifts, quality time, physical touch and words of affirmation. We all like to have love spoken to us in our primary love language. But we tend to express love in our primary language rather than in the language that is our partner (or child or other person’s) primary language. This can lead to the person we’re expressing love to not hearing what we’re trying to say. As you might imagine I see this quite a lot in my work and it’s something that often crops up when I hear people talk about difficulties in the relationships in their lives.

I have also for some years been intrigued by the commonly held myth that love can turn to hate in a heartbeat. I don’t believe it. I believe that one of the messy truths in life is that you can still love someone even though other people don’t want you to, and even though you are disgusted with yourself for feeling that way. Still feeling that intensity of emotion when you’d rather not means it’s easier to talk about hating someone but it is not always this clear cut – much as might prefer it to be.

Some clients have shared with me along the way that although their ex has behaved in an unkind, hurtful and disrespectful way they would still get back together in a heartbeat. More than one person has told me that they used to think about this happening to help them get to sleep.

So what can you do when you still love your ex but desperately don’t want to?

1. Acknowledge how you feel (to yourself – you’re not obliged to share unless you feel it would be helpful to do so) and accept that love and emotions are complicated and this may be the case for a while. You may always love them although the intensity and nature of your love might change over time. If you have children with your ex there will forever be a connection between the two of you and you may feel that you will always love them for the fact that you created children together. This is natural and normal.
2. Much as people may want to feel that they “got over” a long relationship in a few short months the reality is more likely to be a couple of years than a couple of months. You may not feel such intense pain for all of that time but it may be a longer adjustment than you might think. Time doesn’t automatically heal but it can give some perspective that changes the emotions. Different people have different experiences so it won’t necessarily be the same for you as it is for someone else.
3. If you are finding it really difficult to manage your emotions on a day to day basis, or to function in daily life then you might find you need professional support. Since divorce and separation are the third most stressful life event anybody goes through there is zero shame in this. Talking to a professional in a safe space can help you to talk about and understand how you’re feeling. They may also be able to help you develop healthy coping mechanisms whilst you work through your grief.

If this blog resonates then I would love to know. I’d also love to know what the most powerful love stories you watched or read about when you were growing up were? What did you learn about love from these?

If you feel you could do with a pick me up at this difficult time then you can sign up for 5 days of loving and inspiring messages directly into your inbox from us at LKW Family Mediation. There’s a bit of separation support thrown in too. If you’d like to know more about family mediation then we have some information for you.

That is why, when discussing a financial settlement in mediation, your mediator will help you look at your finances in realistic terms, by going through what is known as a “reality test” with you.  The term itself is not one, personally, I am particularly fond of.  However, the fact of the matter is, it is a hugely important part of the process.  If you wish to have any agreed financial settlement approved by the court by way of a Consent Order, the Court will want to see that the proposed settlement is affordable for both parties.  That everyone can meet their needs going forwards.  Yes, this is hugely important.  But it is also hugely important that the parties themselves know that their financial situation is secure.  That they are going to be ok. 

If there are divorce proceedings, during the financial disclosure process, both parties must disclose their respective incomes.  This is on an annual basis and on a monthly basis.  When looking at the monthly income, both the gross income and the net income will be recorded.   It is essential to see what is really coming in every month.  Then both parties will be asked to look at what they think their anticipated monthly expenditure will be going forwards.  Now this is where it gets really tricky.  At the moment, it is really difficult for most people to anticipate what their bills are going to be, whether we are looking at weekly food shop, energy bills or indeed their mortgage repayments.  But, if you are thinking of moving to a new house or even a new area and going from a two-income household to a one income household, having a grasp of what those bills are going to look like is going to be hard, but essential.  The mediator will be able to provide you with a list of items to think about.  A bit like a budget.  The big bills will be on there, like rent or mortgage repayments.  But it may also contain things like haircuts and birthday presents.  Things that you might forget to budget for but will inevitably come up.  Getting some numbers down in that budget is the first step.  However, as different options are discussed, maybe about where both parties are thinking of living in the future and in what type of property, the budget can be revisited.  And yes, sometimes, expenditure may exceed income and will need to be looked at again, and the numbers reduced.  Taking advice from professionals such as Independent Financial Advisors, Mortgage Brokers or the Citizens Advice Bureau may also be helpful, and your mediator will be able to signpost you to relevant people. 

I completely acknowledge that the reality test does not sound fun.  However, your mediator will be there to support and guide you through the process and will ensure that both parties are looking at any options realistically.  You’ll be pleased you did it in the long run. 

If you’d like help deciding what happens next financially after a separation then give us a call on 01306 32020 or email admin@lkwfamilymediation.co.uk

Family Mediation is known for supporting couples with financial settlements writes Michelle Rumsey and childcare arrangements. As family mediators our roles are not isolated to only financial and children, we incorporate a wide range of other areas.  One area in particular that has increased over the years is the family dog and ‘Who gets the dog?’.  Dogs are part of the family and may people find the way the court approaches the as possessions to be unsatisfactory and not in keeping with how the dog is viewed within the family.  In family mediation you can address any issues that are important to you, regardless of whether these would be dealt with by a court.

Family Mediation can be a helpful tool to find a resolution that considers the best interest of all parties involved, including the well-being of the dog.

During family mediation, the mediator will facilitate a discussion between the parties involved to explore their interests, concerns, and possible solutions regarding the ownership of the dog. The mediator will encourage open communication, active listening, and respectful dialogue to help the parties understand each other’s perspectives.

In the case of a dispute over the dog, several factors may be considered during mediation, including,

1. Care and suitable living for the dog
2. Attachment and relationships with the dog. Emotional bond with the dog and who the dog has spent most of their time with.
3. The party’s ability to meet the financial commitment of the dog and how these will be met.
4. Lifestyle and availability, living arrangements and working hours.
5. Childrens emotional attachment to the dog and the impact this has on everyone involved.

Ultimately, the goal of family mediation is to reach a mutually agreeable solution that looks at the best interests of all the parties involved, including the dog. The mediator will help look at all solutions, for example shared care, visiting the dog, holidays. Ensuring the welfare of the dog is considered at all times.

Michelle Rumsey

It’s a truth universally acknowledged (by family mediators anyway), that mediation has many benefits.  For example, it is widely accepted that family mediation is quicker, more cost effective and less acrimonious than going to court. 

Here are three further benefits to family mediation that you might not have thought of:

1. It is empowering

You are in control when you come to mediation.  You can choose the mediator, someone you feel you can work with and trust.  You can choose the topics you wish to discuss with your ex-partner in mediation and when you want to discuss them.  Also, if you want to, you can step back from mediation at any time.  It is a completely voluntary process. 

In mediation, all decisions are made by the parties.  The mediator will not tell you what to do.  This also means that you are in control about what your future looks like. 

2. It will help your communication

Mediation provides an environment where the parties can talk to one another, openly and honestly.  Both parties are given an equal opportunity to speak and to listen to what the other person has to say.  Mediation offers a chance to press the re-set button on your communication issues, so that everyone feels heard and the way forward can be discussed in a more positive manner. 

3.You have nothing to lose

Mediators will encourage their clients to go into mediation with a positive and open mind.  There is a real chance to reach a resolution.  However, if you cannot agree on a way forward, the discussions that have taken place within mediation will not affect your legal rights and cannot be referred to outside of the mediation process.  You have lost nothing by trying. 

• The starting point is do you have issues that need resolving as a result of your separation?  These might be to do with money, or your children, or both.  Or they might be linked to possessions you have.  If you don’t have any issues that need resolving then you don’t need to worry.  If there are issues that need resolving then the question is how you can resolve these issues together.  You might not feel like you’ll be able to work together but you can factor that into what process might be right for you.  Some people need more professional support than others.  Sometimes people need more support at the beginning but after some time they are more able to work issues out themselves.  This blog talks about whether you might be able to resolve things yourselves (with support).
• The first question to ask yourself is whether you need to apply to the court for the protection of the court?  This could be because you are in a very vulnerable situation financially, or because you are fearful that your child’s other parent might take your children out of the country and not come back.  If this is the case then you need to know what the rules say about applying to the court and mediation and you can find out all about this in this blog.
• If you don’t need urgent protection from the court then it’s helpful to know that there are other processes that exist to help you resolve all the issues that are cropping up.  Everyone’s situation can be different so that’s why there is more than one process.  You can find out about all the process that exist to help separating couples in this blog.
• If having read more about the different DR processes you have an idea of what is the right process for you then go for it.  You can ask your lawyer how to get started.  If you don’t yet have a lawyer then you can find one here.  If mediation feels right for you (or you think it’s worth finding out more about it).  Then you can find a mediator using the same link as for finding a lawyer, or you can find a mediator via the Family Mediation Council. Remember that if you feel a process isn’t working for you then you can always move processes.

If you still feel that you’re in a bit of confusion over what to do next then it could be that it’s because you’re feeling overwhelmed by your separation generally.  If you feel unsupported and that you don’t know which way to turn then the following might help:

• Talk to your GP about a referral for counselling.  Divorce and separation are one of the most difficult life events that people go through.  There is no shame in needing a safe space to off load about the challenges you’re facing.  Feeling more emotionally equipped will benefit you in resolving all the issues you need to.
• An initial appointment with a mediator or a lawyer may help to answer the questions you have about the way forward.  It doesn’t commit you to a particular process but it may help you to feel less stuck or overwhelmed.
• Read more about separation and the different options.  Resolution’s website is a good place to start.  You may also find this book helpful: 101 questions answered about separation with children 
• Sign up to our completely free mailing list.  Anyone can do this – you don’t have to be a client of ours.  You can guidance and support on managing your separation as constructively and peacefully as possible every fortnight.
• Join our online community for free support from others going through a separation and professionals who offer their support and guidance to the community for free.

If you’re a fan of flow charts then this one we’ve put together to talk you through the process of whether you need to mediate might be helpful (it’s the first flow chart we’ve ever put together so be kind now!).

Do I have to mediate?

In looking at this blog we are thinking primarily about the following situations:

1.  Step parents – where a child’s parent and their step parent separate this can create issues relating to whether they will still have a relationship with their step parent and what that relationship will look like.  Step parents often play a very significant role in bringing up a child and it is now a common family scenario for a child to have two parents and two step parents.  The child or children may have a close bond with their step parent and there may therefore be questions around when a child will see each of their parents and when they also see their step parent.
2. LGBTQ+ – as social and legal changes are made the family set up for a child becomes ever more diverse.  A child may have two female parents or they may have a father who in a relationship with another man and a mother who is in a relationship with another woman.  This means that there are other people involved with their parents (as with the example of step parents above) who also play a role in their upbringing.
3. Grandparents – with life expectancy rates increasing, and medical and healthcare developments, active grandparents are increasingly playing a role in bringing up their grandchildren.  This can bring wonderful benefits to grandparents of regular time with their grandchildren and a close bond.  Being one step removed it is sometimes a grandparent that a child will confide in when their parents separate.  There are also benefits for parents in being able to return to work without childcare costs – or with reduced childcare costs; and being able to have some much needed down time.  Parental separation can mean that grandparents become excluded from time with their grandchildren as part of family disputes.

These are the main examples that we have considered in this blog but there may well be others we have not listed.

In these situations there are more people to be accommodated in the family mediation process and this can make it more complicated.  But family law mediation can still be used to resolve issues between all parties.  There are practical considerations in making sure the mediation room is comfortable and able to accommodate more parties (each scenario above will often mean there are four parties, or possibly more, in the room with the mediator).  Alternatively the meetings can take place online which may be helpful if all the parties are spread out geographically.  There also needs to be clear guidance on how the process will be managed.  If both parties decide to speak at the time same it can be difficult to manage where there are only two people in the process, this is considerably magnified when four or more people try to speak at the same time.

The mediation meeting can start off with the child or children’s biological parents in the room and then introduce the other parties but this may not be appropriate where the other parties feel they play an equal role.  In initial separate meetings the mediator will need to find out exactly what the issues are and what everyone’s expectations are regarding both a successful outcome, and with regard to what the process will be like an involve.  It is important that everyone starts with a clear understanding of what will happen and what can be achieved and what is on the agenda for discussion.

Practical considerations aside it can be a great way of moving on after a divorce or separation to have everyone hear each other’s point of view and to work through different options.  Sometimes it is the logistics that cause the difficulties rather than the principle of whether a child sees a particular person or not.  Everyone coming together with an experienced facilitator who specialises in family disputes can be beneficial in helping everyone to put a plan together to move forward.

If you have a complex family situation and aren’t sure how to move forward after a divorce or separation with resolving issues then please get in touch so we can talk about how the family mediation process might work.  You can call us on 01306 646690 or email us at louisa@lkwfamilymediation.co.uk.

Firstly, any relationship needs two people to want it to work, and for it to be able to work.  If one person feels that the relationship is really over and they are not willing to try relationship mediation (and by this we mean discussion about the future of the relationship with a coach or other form of professional) or counselling (i.e therapy together as a couple to try to help you work on the problems you have identified in the relationship) then that means the other person really has no alternative but to start the process of accepting the end of their relationship.  This is far from easy and we have written a lot about healing after divorce and how to get through a divorce and you can look through our other blog topics for more on this.

But what happens if neither party is sure the relationship has broken down completely?  It’s one of the things that we will explore in our initial meetings with clients.  Sometimes discussion about divorce or separation is purely one person’s way of saying “I have had enough” or “I need things to change” and it is sufficiently a warning light to make the other person take notice.  If both parties are on the same page with both these things (i.e that the relationship hasn’t completely broken down and that steps need to be taken to change things) then it may be possible to work things out by using some form of relationship counselling.  We have details of local relationship specialists so that we can point clients in the right direction if they feel that there is a possibility of reconciliation and marriage mediation or relationship mediation.

In our experience it really depends on whether both people are at the same point at the same time.  Where one person has been struggling with problems for some time, and contemplating ending the relationship as a result of this, and the other is either unaware of how their partner feels, or only aware to a limited degree, it can make things much more difficult.  Sadly sometimes the point at which one partner becomes willing to try is after the point (or at the same point) at which the other partner decides they have reached breaking point and wishes to end the relationship.  We believe communication is key to all things relationship which is why we’re so passionate about family mediation.  In the same way we believe that talking and communicating helps couples who separate to move on after divorce in the best possible way, we believe communication during the relationship can help to address issues at an earlier stage.  We haven’t blogged about this much because our role, as family mediators, is only to get involved once the relationship has broken down and the couple need separation mediation and are starting the healing after divorce process.  But we feel it’s worth talking about this because we do see couples where reconciliation is a possibility and there is little point undertaking work to effect a separation if there is still a possibility of saving and improving the relationship.

If you would like us to pass on details of local relationship therapy then please get in touch by calling 01306 646690 or email louisa@lkwfamilymediation.co.uk