One of the main reasons couples come into mediation is for help in organising their finances following a separation writes Michelle Rumsey. Couples often don’t know where to start and look to mediation to help them navigate their way through the process with the support of the mediator.   Sorting out financial issues can seem overwhelming so breaking it down into manageable steps is essential.

What Is Financial Mediation?

Financial mediation is a confidential process where the mediator helps a separating couple to resolve financial issues. This means looking at all your finances, for example property, income, debts, child maintenance, business valuation, assets, pensions cars, bikes, boats and so on. The goal is to help people to reach an agreement in how the assets and debt are split in a fair, sustainable way that is tailored to the needs of the people involved.

Unlike court proceedings where a Judge may make a decision, mediation gives participants more control over the outcome.  YOU make decisions together about what happens with regard to YOUR finances.

How Finances Are Handled in Mediation

Here’s a step-by-step look at how finances typically work in the mediation process:

1. Full Financial Disclosure

Both people are required to provide a complete and honest disclosure of all their financial assets, debts, income, and expenses. This transparency is essential — without it, fair negotiations can’t happen because you can’t properly understand your financial situation.  Providing the information doesn’t mean that you won’t keep that asset, it just enables both of you to ensure you have a clear grasp of your situation. The financial information provided is what we call “open” which means it could be provided to a court if you ended up in court proceedings at a later date.  This might sound scary but it’s only to ensure you only have to provide the information once (and potentially update it) rather than doing it twice.  It is imperative clients are open and honest about their finances.

Common documents shared in this phase include:

• Bank statements
• Tax returns
• Pay slips and P60s
• Mortgage documents and especially an up to date redemption statement
• Investment/saving account statements
• Business valuations
• Information on debts such as credit card statements and loans
• Pension statements including a Cash Equivalent Transfer Value which gives the value of your pension at the current point in time
• House valuations
• Estimated budgets of outgoings

It is not the role of the mediator to check or validate the documentation provided. The clients are in control of this taking place and will agree when they would like to exchange documentation (with the help of the mediator) and will be responsible for checking the information.   It’s likely you will have questions about the information your ex-partner has provided and these can be discussed in mediation.  It’s often simplest to resolve these kind of questions by talking to each other directly with the support of the mediator.

2. Identifying Key Financial Issues and your respective needs

The mediator helps outline the financial issues to be resolved. These may vary depending on the clients’ assets and debts and if clients have children:

• Division of assets and debts
• Determining spousal or child support
• Deciding what happens with a jointly owned home
• Valuation and division of a business
• Future budgeting and planning
• Your respective financial needs

Both of you will have financial needs going forwards.  You both need to be housed and you both need to be able to pay your bills.  You may have other financial needs too e.g if you’ve had one car between the two of you, you may feel that you need two one you move to living in separate homes.  Understanding what those needs are and the likely costs is a key part of the process. 

3. Valuation and Analysis

If necessary, outside experts such as financial advisors, or accountants may be brought in to help assess asset values or complex finances.  This might be done outside of mediation between meetings or, it if would be helpful, an expert could join your meetings to answer questions and to provide guidance.  Financial assets and situations vary and the most important thing is that you both fully understand your financial situation and any potential changes and tax liabilities. You need to understand your respective financial needs too.

4. Negotiation and Problem-Solving

This is the heart of mediation. With the mediator’s guidance, both people start by ensuring they properly understand their financial situation.  They can then move to understanding the various issues they both see and understanding their respective needs.  It also enables them to explore different settlement options, to understand what they look like.  This is essential in working out what resolution will be right for you. 

Unlike court, where a judge imposes a decision, mediation empowers the parties to create their own agreement — which often leads to more creative and satisfying outcomes.

5. Drafting the Agreement

When a proposal is discussed in mediation and both people feel it will work for them we talk about how to move forward with this. Mediators will always suggest that people get legal advice before formalising any agreement to ensure everybody feels confident and comfortable with decisions they’re making about their finances.

6. Agreement

Once you reach this point the mediator can draw up an Open Financial Statement that simply summarises your financial situation and the documents you’ve provided together with a Memorandum of Understanding which summarises what proposals you want to put in place. The documents will be comprehensive and clear and can then be taken by each person to their lawyers. Their lawyers can then prepare a financial consent order that formalises the agreement. This is sent to the court as part of the divorce proceedings (it can only be sent once they have reached the Conditional Order stage).  Once the financial consent order has been approved by a Judge the arrangements that are set up are binding on both people. This is why it is so important to not rush the process or agree to proposals.

Benefits of Handling Finances Through Mediation

• Cost-Effective: Mediation is far less expensive than lawyers and court.
• Faster: Resolving financial issues through mediation can take weeks or months, rather than years.  Talking to each other directly (with the assistance of the mediator) often speeds things up quite a bit.
• Confidential: Discussions and proposals remain private until a settlement is reach — unlike court proceedings, which are often public.
• Flexible Solutions:  the finances are the clients, and they get to reach a settlement that is tailored to them.  It takes into account each person’s objectives and concerns.
• Preserves Relationships: Mediation helps reduce animosity and this is especially important for people who have children together and need to retain a positive co-parenting relationship.

Final Thoughts

Finances can be one of the most stressful parts of any separation.  Mediation offers a path forward that ensures fairness and transparency and takes into account the particular needs of each person.  Financial mediation can save you time, money, and stress.  Lots of people find it overwhelming trying to work out what to do first or what the order of the particular steps they need to take is.  The mediator provides guidance on this so that a tailored set of steps can be created for each separating couple to assist them in finding the right resolution for them. 

For more information call us on 01306 320520 or email admin@lkwfamilymediation.co.uk

For more in depth guidance you may find our Road Map to Surviving and Thriving in a Divorce self-study course useful. It’s all you need to know about divorce broken into bite size videos you work through at your own pace.

The short answer to this question is yes.  However, as is always the case with everything in life, there are some caveats.

The part of the mediation process where children can have their say is called Child Inclusive Mediation (CIM).  It was introduced in January 2019 when it replaced something called Child Consultation.  CIM reflects the child’s right, as enshrined in the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child (and paralleled in UK legislation, The Children Act 1989), to participate in the process that involves the separation and/or divorce of their parents and subsequent arrangements for the child, where the child, typically, will spend their time split between two houses. 

CIM provides an opportunity for the child to meet a specially trained mediator and have their voice heard.  The child will be reassured that their wishes and feelings are hugely important, but they do not have the responsibility of making any decisions.  This will always rest with their parents.  Parents, however, sometimes need help making big decisions and hearing how their child really sees the situation can be invaluable.

The meeting with the child is confidential and private.  Only the information that the child specifically consents to being relayed to their parents will be.  This is done at a separate meeting. 

Research conducted by Carol Smart, Amanda Wade and Bren Neale, and supported by netmums and Tamara Afifi (courtesy of NFM), shows that most children feel powerless in situations of family change.  They find themselves in a situation which they are forced to accept and yet feel that they have no say in them.

While the benefits of CIM to children and parents are largely recognised, it is important to remember that this part of the process, as with all aspects of mediation, is voluntary for all parties.  It cannot go ahead unless everyone (this includes both parents, the child and the mediator) agrees.  The age of the child will also be relevant.  There are no strict guidelines in this regard, and it will be very much decided on a case-by-case basis.   It’s safe to say though that, while I’m sure it would be very lovely for the mediator, having a CIM session for a one-year-old may not be incredibly useful at that time!

Watch Tom’s Story

The Rights Idea? Children’s rights when parents separate: Tom’s story

Produced the University of Exeter’s The Rights Idea? Project – led by Professor Anne Barlow (with Dr Jan Ewing) (Law School) in partnership with the National Youth Advocacy Service (NYAS) and the National Association of Child Contact Centres (NACCC). 

You might also like more information on our Child Inclusive Mediation service.

How do parents keep children out of conflict, when most parents and children during the period of separation live in the same home?  This is something mediator get asked a lot!  Changes are happening in the parents’ relationship causing emotions to be difficult and overwhelming to manage at times. It can be difficult for some parents to be able to step outside of their own emotions and they can struggle to see the impact conflict is having on their children.

When you’re supporting children through a challenging life event you are often drawing on your past experience of friendship difficulties, or school issues, to support them.  With a separation you are going through it live at the same time as your children (albeit from a different angle) and so it’s harder to have the detachment that time brings.  You may find some of the things your children ask or say about the separation difficult and it’s hard not to show that.  It’s OK to explain that you are finding it difficult too.  You could talk about what support you’re getting to manage your emotions and stresses to normalise to your children or children that sometimes we all need help when we go through tough times.

For parents to support their children, it’s helpful to have their own coping strategies and support in place. This will help them have the emotional space and strength to be more available and self-aware of their children’s needs.   For parents and children alike, having a safe space to offload how you’re feeling to someone who won’t get upset, or feel hurt, or take offense is crucial.

Parents can look at

• Couple counselling – I have worked with many couples who have come to me for counselling to look at the best ways of telling the children they are separating, how to communicate more effectively and understand their own beliefs and experiences of separation and conflict
• Create your own support network, family, friends, this might not always be friends that you talk to, friends that being around help you feel better. Who is the person you feel you can call/talk to if you are struggling
• Have your own plan, if at home and you can identify your emotions rising, know your limits (giving yourself a scale of 1-10. If 7, is you are wanting to scream, identify when you are a number 6 and put strategies in place, go for a walk, call someone or find other ways of avoiding being in a situation that is going to create more negative emotions and potentially conflict).
• Reflect on your own experiences of conflict. We can not avoid conflict in life, what has felt healthy conflict for you?  
• If you have experienced unhealthy conflict, how have you felt?
• Parents have to work out how they are going to deal with conflict, this may be setting time aside to discuss difficult subjects they know will impact emotions negatively, When the children are not in the home. It might be enlisting the services of a family mediator to help with resolving short and long term issues.
• We are all good at thinking we can ‘mind read’ other people, the reality is we cannot ‘mind read’. Talk to each other about how you imagine co-parenting will be now separated and what your hopes both are.  Never assume you know what the other person is thinking.  It can be very different to what you think.
• Parents can make plans as to what their day and week looks like and when their children will spend time with each parenting.  It can help to have a shared diary or to use a co-parenting app to manage arrangement and communications if things are difficult.

Regardless of the age of children, if conflict with parents is demonstrated in a negative way (screaming, shouting, violence, silent treatment) then this will have an impact on children. Each child is different in how they manage parents’ conflict. Some children will become very reserved and withdrawn, other children act out in other behaviours. For example, becoming a school refuser, having friendships issues, or self-harming.  Older children may indulge in more risk taking behaviour.

Children will already be dealing with many emotions during their parents’ separation, it is important we keep children out of their parent’s conflict and support them during these changes.

How do we support children during these difficult times of change.  

• Communicating on how best to talk to your children. If your children, see you are both talking positively to each other they may feel they don’t have to take sides.
• Parents should not talk negatively about the other parent. You should also ensure other family members and friends don’t either.
• Parents can show children that conflict can be healthy if managed well.  This can be a really important life lesson for them that conflict can exist and be handled well.
• Ask the children (depending on their age) who their support network is, if they are unsure put one in place with them.
• Encourage children to express their needs by writing, drawing and talking.
• If you are unsure if you are selling the house or where you are living, be honest with the children in a child friendly way. It’s OK to say that there are still some details that you’re working out.
• Validate their emotions so they can feel how they feel, and know that this is ok. As parent we can find our children’s upset distressing and seek to minimise their feelings without properly acknowledging them.  It’s really important that children feel you understand their feelings and that you see them as valid.
• Keep routines as consistent as possible
• Include children where possible in decisions.  This doesn’t mean they make the decisions but that you seek out their views before making the decisions.  This can be one through child inclusive mediation if needed.
• Don’t assume you know how your child feels, every child will feel differently. Ask them, listen, always listen and give space, don’t ask how are you feeling when you are running late for school.  Allow space for these conversations.

Separation is one of life’s most difficult times, even if it is an amicable separation. We have many emotions from uncertainty and loss. Working with couples for years, I have seen a real difference in families that are able to keep children out of conflict and the positive impact this has had. I don’t doubt those couples are finding the change just as challenging as everyone, if you are able to plan and communicate with each other this will be less distressing and upsetting for your children.

Going through a separation is a really scary time with many uncertainties about what will happen and what the likely outcome will be. Many believe that going to court will somehow right the injustices that they have suffered, and ensure that there is an outcome that they are happy with. There can be great shock at how little time they spend with a Judge, and how that Judge will ignore issues that may seem important, grievous or significant to the people they relate to (because that is the Judge’s job to cut to the issues). Before embarking on a court application many people think that they will get a hearing date relatively quickly, and/or that things will be resolved by attending court once. It can be very disheartening to learn that you need to attend a number of court hearings to get things resolved, and that there can be many months of waiting for hearing dates. It is not uncommon for hearings you have waited months for to then be cancelled at the last meeting and this is psychologically challenging to deal with when you have been focused on that date for some time. The new date could again be months into the future.

The changes address the issues with the MIAM requirement not being taken seriously all the time, and set a very clear tone that the could be a last resort for most and certainly not the first step.  The government wants only those who really need the courts to use them as this will ensure the availability of Judges and court time for those that really need them.

So what are the changes? From now any party applying to the court for assistance with resolving a family issue (whether that is finance or children related or both) has to show what they have done to resolve issues without going to court.  This is NOT a tick box exercise as the new form FM5 that they are required to provide contains boxes to explain what has been done so it quite literally isn’t just about ticking boxes.

This requirement will be looked at by Judges (who are getting further training) and costs orders can be made where one person has unreasonably refused to engage in Non-Court Dispute Resolution.  You may have seen the term NCDR for short. There are, of course, exemptions for victims of Domestic Abuse as some of the Non-Court Dispute Resolution processes may not be appropriate for them. If this is you and you particularly have concerns about mediation then please know that mediators NEVER bring two people together in the same room (whether a physical or online room) without having seen you both individually for a meeting to assess whether it would be safe, appropriate and suitable to do so.

What does NCDR mean?  Well mediation is one big part of this (and there is much information about mediation on this site) but it also includes:

• Collaborative practice (where you talk about issues in meetings like mediation but where you each have a specially trained lawyer that supports you and you all agree that things will be resolved in that process, and not in court);
• Tools to assist you in negotiation such as getting an expert solicitor or barrister to give you their opinion on the right outcome to help you move pass points where you are stuck.  This is called an Early Neutral Evaluation.
• Arbitration – this is where a private judge (who is usually a solicitor or barrister who has done other qualifications) decides things for you.  That might be everything or it might be just the bits you’re stuck on.  
• You could also use an Arbitrator to have a Private Financial Dispute Resolution hearing to help you negotiate by telling you what they think the likely outcome is.  This is what a Judge does in a Financial Dispute Resolution hearing but a private judge gives you their full attention and time, and you will usually be able to arrange this more quickly than waiting for the court timetable to get to that point
• But crucially it isn’t just limited to these things.  If you can show you have tried to address things outside of court then this may count to.  To be clear though, there is a big difference for everyone between “my solicitor wrote 3 letters” and “my ex and I have had several meetings over a few months and narrowed down our issues”.

The single most important thing that you need to know if you’re going through a separation, is that you must show what you have done to resolve issues without the court and this must be clear about demonstrating the efforts that have been made. Without this you run the risk of costs orders being made.  Your mediator should give you information about these processes at a MIAMS meeting and if you’re instructing a lawyer they should give you information to. If either person doesn’t then ask!

If you truly want to understand more about all the NCDR options and their advantages and disadvantages then you may find the (Almost) Anything But the Family Court book by Jo O’Sullivan useful. There’s also a digital edition of the book.

Mette writes:

Connecting with your child after a long separation

Divorce is always a tough time for your family, but when your child has been alienated from you for a long period of time it brings parenting to a whole new level, often leaving you worried and confused about how to restore the connection and relationship.

If you are relating to this, then you have likely been separated from your child due to divorce and have possibly also been fighting hard to have regular contact with them again. A lot of your energy, time and probably money has been focused on this one thing: contact with your child, but now the most important work begins, to re-establish the connection and restore the relationship and trust.

Let’s start by saying that this is going to be hard for your child too. It’s possible they feel shame and guilt about the way they have been treating you and will find it harder to be with you for a while. They are sad too. A child always wants their parents so this separation has been tough for them, often they suffer inside but usually don’t know how to say it or show it in a constructive way. They could be distant, angry or silent. So take things slow and show massive amounts of understanding and patience. 

Go slow and micro dose everything

• Have time together that is short and simple, with no set expectations: they need time to get used to the new situation so try to set short periods of time aside every day for them when you are together. Maybe just 10 minutes at a time. But a time when you are 100% there, present, and focused – no mobile or chores – just you and your child. It doesn’t have to be much, it can be just being in the same room breathing the same air. Just BE and BREATHE. Try not to ask lots of questions as this puts pressure on the child to come up with a right or wrong answer. If they want to talk, great, just listen and be there.
• Words: less is more. Try not to bombard your child with a ton of questions, long explanations or answers. Make your conversation clear and short so they have less to digest and process. If you are upset, use as few words as possible.
• Expectations: for now, focus on your connection and don’t worry too much about chores and behaviours. You can ask if they want to cook with you, you can tell them that you would like them to speak nicely to you etc. but for now, don’t make a big deal out of it – choose your battles.  
• Listen. Even if you don’t like or agree with what you hear: your child may say (or scream) things at you that you are not going to like. It will make you sad, mad, confused and disappointed. They don’t mean it. They too are confused about how they feel and how to deal with this new situation. So, for now, just listen to what they say. You can come from a place of ‘I listen, I understand, and I accept’ – I can hear that you are really sad because XX and I understand that this is really hard for you and that it is ok to be sad.. Then you can reply and try to decode / translate what they might be trying to say to you: so that ‘I HATE YOU’, becomes, ‘I can hear that you are angry right now because you miss daddy/mummy, and I get it, that is normal’.
• Dealing with backtalk, aggression and angry words directed at you:  your child will test your boundaries and provoke emotions that you didn’t even know you had! They are adjusting to a new situation and might not know how to behave towards you and that can often come out in a negative way. They might also be testing you to make sure that you are ‘safe company’. So it’s important to have some tools to help you deal with this situation. The main tip is that before you do or say anything STOP and check in with yourself and how you feel. Accept how you feel but remind yourself that you don’t want these deep emotions to high jack how you deal with the situation. After that you can make a decision of your actions:  what you will say or NOT say, sometimes saying nothing is the best respond. Maybe you want to be curious to WHY your child is so mad at you: do they feel let down, confused, sad etc.
• Dealing with a quiet and withdrawn child: your child’s reaction to the new setup might also come the opposite way which can be just as hard. When your child is withdrawn you need to go VERY slowly.  Try to just be happy about being in the same space breathing the same air. Make your connection without pressure and expectations, just BE and BREATHE together. You can sit with them when they are doing something (drawing, gaming, playing etc.), just sit down quietly and show that you enjoy being next to them, no more. If you like you can use something called ‘descriptive commenting’ instead of bombarding them with questions. Here you simply just comment on what you see, hear, sense, and feel: You are sitting so quietly playing with your Lego building that tall tower. I can see you are really concentrating. Wow the colours on the video games are so real. I can see you’re colouring the elephant pink, that is very creative etc. Just comment. This sends a signal that you are present, connected and observant. But puts no pressure on them to answer any questions or offer you a part in what they are doing, if they like they will ask you. Over time they will feel safe with you and start interacting.

Establish your new normality, your new home

At some point you need to get some reality into your home. You have now worked on the foundation of a healthy connection and relationship. You now need to add the next bit that makes you a real family. You need to add some expectations. They need to feel that they are part of this new home, yours and your child’s home. That they are needed and that their skills and abilities are valued. They might not say it, but rules, routines and responsibilities (chores) make your child feel safe and give them confidence. They send a signal that this is a home based on teamwork and cooperation. This is where a deep connection and RESPECT is created.

But you will find it hard. Most likely they will use the other parent as a way to get out of doing chores or getting what they want. That is OK. This is what they are supposed to do, they are like small scientists!  Always experimenting to create a way out of things they don’t want to do.  This is their job as well, as it is our job to be firm and fair. Keep in mind that children CAN deal with two sets of parenting styles and that most likely they are also doing the same to the other parent. 

Tips to support them in establishing a ‘new normal’

• Weekly family chat – even if it is just you and the child, you are still a family: when you are together, have a ‘family’ chat, where you talk about what matters to this family. How you can be together so you are all OK.
• Start with small agreements: don’t start with big chores but with something light. Maybe agree to a weekly / weekend meal planner when your child is with you and you can then add that they help you etc. You can talk about pocket money (they love that). You can also talk about what you will do together as fun time when you are together and so on.
• The 3 Rs: once you have set the scene for your family chats then you can slowly add the 3 Rs (Rules, Routines and Responsibilities). Talk about what rules they think you need in this house so you are all OK. Talk about what routines you need to have a calm home. Talk about what you each can do to help each other. Under activities you will find lots of printable chores charts etc.

Finally, be patient. They need time to adjust to this new setup, and to you. Keep the long-term goal in mind, to reconnect with your child, and to get there you can use small short term goals, by way of the steps above.

Good luck,

Mette Theilmann, Founder of Predictable Parenting and creator of the Parenting Community App

Before the pandemic many families worked on the basis that dad had a demanding job that usually paid reasonably well and as a result of that dad worked long hours and, in some families, was away travelling with work some of the time. This meant that mum often didn’t work, or worked lesser hours, to enable her to be available for the children outside of school/nursery/childcare. This meant that the majority of school admin, doctor’s appointments, other medical appointments and running around in the week fell to mum. Dad would often be involved at weekends but was logistically not able to get involved in the week because of the hours he worked and/or because he had a long commute.

For some families this arrangement worked well because it played to where each parent ideally wanted to be and enabled them to have the life they wanted to. Other families have fallen into this role as a result of decisions made by one person, or jointly, but without necessarily being completely on board with the set up. Some people have worked with these arrangements without ever really giving them too much thought. It’s just what happens in our house they might say.

Then the pandemic came along and, for many people, these roles changed considerably. Suddenly mum and dad were both at home and if they were both working they had to manage home schooling and childcare as best they could. For many families this was a stressful experience of juggling too many balls and starting work early and/or finishing late to accommodate looking after, supervising and schooling children during the day. For some families there was joy and fun in this amongst the chaos. For some families it was extreme stress and they are still recovering now.

One impact was that where people had worked in an office the vast majority of time they were now working exclusively from home, and even once the immediate risks of the pandemic waned, they were able to continue working from home some or all of the time. Dads who had never been able to do school drops or pick ups were suddenly able to pick their children up and have a kickabout or an ice cream on the way home, or to do the school drop and talk with their children en route.

For many dads I have spoken to this was something of a defining moment. They gained a window into their children’s lives that was special and touching and they did not want to let that go. There was a moment of realising that perhaps they had missed out and that they wanted to enjoy that connection going forwards. There were even regrets about the moments that had been missed and a deep desire to arrange life differently going forwards.

I want to say at this point that I fully agree that things changed for many mums too and that it is perfectly possible that dad was the one at home and that things changed for mum in this way too. From my perspective as a mediator this doesn’t as often lead to the kind of issues I am going to describe when a couple separate. It can but it tends not to and that may well be because of the views we hold about gender roles and parenting in society. I’m very open to talking about this and to writing a further blog on this (or collaborating with someone about it) but this is not the purpose of this blog post.

For some mums the greater involvement of dad was a very welcome change. It took the load off and they could see that their children enjoyed being able to show dad more of the stuff that happens in the week. For some parents it was a changing of the roles they had had and it was not an easy adjustment, or to put it another way, for some people there was no adjustment, merely a non committal few words about how there might be an adjustment without any serious intent.

Interestingly at a recent conference I went to a workshop run by The Mediation Space that talked about a psychotherapeutically informed approach to working with clients. In that workshop they introduced us to the idea that couples have a couples contract which may be unconscious in the roles they will each have and how they will behave. Where they each take on a particular role, to then change those roles can be very difficult and can lead to large amounts of conflict. The pandemic, for some, took a big stick and poked at those traditional roles.

If we then throw into the mix that couple separating with unresolved issues around their roles as parents you can probably see how they might end up in a significant disagreement about arrangements for their children, following the separation.

Mum argues that Dad may have done a bit more since the pandemic but this is a very short amount of time compared to the time that she has spent doing school runs and managing other appointments and commitments. How can she know that things will remain the way they are? What if dad returns to the office full time and they then have to change things again – that would be really disruptive for children. That would mean even more change in a short space of time and they need routine. It is better that they are with her in the week and that she and dad then share the weekends. Plus although dad says he did school pick ups, he would pick the children up from school and then go back to work at home. She is the one that has prepared and served dinner, and supervised homework and got them to clubs. Dad simply doesn’t do all the things that she does.

Dad says I have made this work and I have spoken to my boss and I have clearance that I can still continue to work at home or leave early on some days and I really want to do this. I have loved spending more time with my children and I know they’ve loved it too and I really want this to continue. It’s good for me, it’s good for my children and it’s good for you too because you can have a break and/or work more which helps with financing two homes. I know I don’t do all the things you do but I do more than I did and you need to trust that I will step up and I will manage all the things that I need to.

This then usually puts us squarely at the foot of the mountain that is trust. Trust is usually in pretty good supply in a lovely and healthy relationship. In a toxic or unhappy relationship it can get a bit thin on the ground. Add in a separation and lots of feelings of hurt and anger and it’s usually pretty hard to find any trust. Dad asks mum to trust that he will step up and manage all that needs to be managed when the children are with him. Mum says I can’t trust that. You need to prove it first by seeing them less and managing that. Dad says how can I prove it when you won’t let me do it. Mum says how can I let you do it before I can trust you will do it.

Stalemate.

It’s a difficult thing to address in mediation. To build trust both parties need to be prepared to work together and to buy into the idea that they are building a co-parenting relationship together brick by brick. They each need to understand (and to want to understand) what they need to do to reassure the other person that they are willing to build that.

Some parents do not have that immediately after a separation and some people don’t have it in them. There is too much hurt and there is not enough trust. Plus they know they’re right and that what they’re suggesting is best for their children.

I have seen amazing parents go on a very scary journey and commit to family therapy, or individual therapy, or both, to try to understand how they came to this place and to unpick how they came to be in this place and what their resistance is to moving forward. This can, with time and patience, create a mutually agreeable way forward. Other brave parents are prepared to let their children talk to the mediator to share their ideas and concerns and to then let those shape their arrangements (even if that puts them in a place of wanting to do things they are not convinced will work and they are far from happy about).

It is undoubtedly a complex and difficult situation. Such circumstances have always been the case but I have been struck by how much the pandemic has changed the traditional roles parents may have had and the impact that this has had on making arrangements following a decision to separate. In turn there is an impact on the professionals dealing with these cases. It’s something I have spoken to other practitioners about but I haven’t particularly seen anybody write about. So I am. I think we need to talk more about this and how such issues can be usefully addressed to assist parents in this situation. There are of course wider conversations about parenting roles in a relationship which I’m also happy to discuss but I’m not sure we’ve really seen the full impact of the pandemic yet on children whose parents are separating and I think this is an important aspect that needs to be looked at.

If you’re in this situation now then I would offer these three tips:

1. Mediation may well be helpful in assisting you both in understanding and hearing each other’s viewpoints. It may also be possible for your children to feed into this process so that their voices can be heard without giving them any responsibility for decision making. This alone may not be enough and I want to be clear that mediation is a useful process with many benefits but it is not a magic wand. The good news is that you may be able to claim up to £500 towards your mediation costs. If you’re eligible for legal aid all your mediation costs may be funded.
2. In order to find a solution (and it is about finding A solution and not THE solution) that will then free your children from their parents being in conflict (let’s not beat around the bush it is parents being caught up in conflict with each other that causes issues for children and not the separation itself) you both need to take a look at your own “stuff”. This is not easy. There are reasons why you feel the way you feel and these are informed by your life experiences. There may have been some really difficult moments with your children’s other parent and you may need time, space and professional support to heal from this. It’s important to separate your “stuff” from your children’s “stuff”. They are likely to feel differently about their other parent because they are their other parent, not their ex-partner.
3. If you really can’t resolve things then you need to ask someone else to decide things for you. This will be a lengthy process through the court and with little certainty on the end date. There are huge delays in the court system and shortages of judges which are compounding the situation. You may like to think about child arbitration which will give you the legally binding final decision you need more quickly but with care and consideration for the judgement that is made. For more information on your options you may find the (Almost) Anything but the Family Court book helpful.

Other useful resources

You may find it helpful to download some of the free PDFs that we offer to guide you through different parts of your separation

This blog on a simple way to think about co-parenting might also be useful

The ultimate blog post about free separation help

The consultation will essentially look at two things:

1. Should parties be told that they have to try joint mediation meetings; and
2. Should the current voucher scheme be made permanent and should it be extended to include discussions in mediation around financial issues.

I’d like to look at these two parts in more detail and pull out some strands.

The current system

For some years now there has been a requirement for anyone commencing a court application about a family issue (be that children or finance related) to attend a Mediation Information and Assessment meeting (MIAMS) with a mediator. These meetings take place separately and so there was no requirement that the two people involved had to be in the same room, or participate in a joint mediation meeting. There are exceptions to this rule where there has been domestic abuse, where there is a particular need for urgency, or where there is not a mediator sufficiently close to the Applicant’s home (this is still the case for some people in rural locations).

The MIAMS meetings enabled people to talk about their situation with a mediator and to understand the options open to them for ways of resolving the issues. It also enables the mediator to signpost them to support that might be useful. These meetings are useful for giving the person wanting to make an application the chance to offload and talk about what had happened to them. This might sound strange but as a mediator I have encountered many people in MIAMS meetings who tell me they are talking about what happened for the first time. It is often cathartic and emotional.

It also enables people to understand the different processes that exist to help those who are separating to resolve all the issues that they see. Many people believe that it’s either mediation or court and those are there only options. It’s important to note that many people attending MIAMS meetings have not had any legal advice or information from any other sources. I feel I should flag that even some of those who have had legal advice do not have all the options explained to them.

Signposting support is also really important. Many people won’t hear about sources of support from anywhere else so that MIAMS meeting represents a chance to flag help and to outline services, books, websites and other sources that might be of use. I’ve spoken to many people who feel anxious and depressed but had not thought about talking to their doctor. Others did not know that they might be eligible for benefits. Others knew nothing about the process of separation and welcomed the chance to get some information on processes and to get details of some books and websites that give further information.

Despite their initial misgivings many people leave MIAMS meetings wanting to mediate and being sad that their ex-partner would not consider it despite being contacted by the mediator. There has been talk for some time about whether requiring the second party to the application to attend a MIAMS would be helpful so that they can have the same chance to offload, hear the same information and receive the same signposting (although it might be to different sources depending on their needs). Personally I’ve always thought this would be a good step in helping both parties to understand the pros and cons of the avenues open to them. As I’m fond of saying in mediation, “you can only make informed choices with information” and without all the information no one can make properly informed choices. Mediators providing this information ensures that it is provided neutrally without steer on what the best option might be for those involved. We simply provide information about processes and about potential pros and cons, and often question participants about their objectives so they can help to understand them themselves.

The fundamental principles of mediation

There are some governing principles that historically have always applied to mediation and which are integral parts of the mediation process. These are:

• It’s voluntary
• It’s confidential
• The mediator is impartial in the mediation and does not take sides.
• A mediator must disclose conflicts of interest, and they should not have any vested interest in the outcome of the mediation.
• All discussions in mediation are legally privileged and without prejudice (save for the provision of financial or other factual information)
• The mediator should, at all times, have regard for the welfare of any children involved.

I do not believe that the current system interferes with this and nor would requiring the other person involved to attend a MIAMS meeting. However, the government’s consultation is regarding introducing a requirement that separating couples make a reasonable attempt to mediate. This, for the first time, would formally require people to attend joint mediation meeting. There will be exceptions for victims of domestic abuse and I’ve dealt with this separately below. I feel I should also stress that were this to be case the mediator MUST retain the ability to put safeguards in place where they consider them necessary – such as mediator with the parties in separate rooms (either online or physically in the same building) or to use an adapted mediation process that provides additional support by way of lawyers, divorce coaches, or other professionals.

I believe that specifically requiring people to attend joint mediation meetings and to actually try the mediation process raises three issues:

1. If people are required to attend mediation this removes the voluntary nature of mediation and takes away one of the fundamental principles that has always been a part of mediation. We all know as humans that if we are forced to do things or attend things we don’t want to we rarely embrace them with an open attitude. We are not there to see what happens, or what benefits we might be able to take advantage of; we are there to endure and usually with bad grace because we have to be. I’m generalising of course but I do have a concern that this will not place people in the right place to benefit from attending mediation (and there are many benefits).
2. Who decides if the two people involved have made a sufficiently reasonable attempt to mediate? I think the assumption is that this is a call for the judge but on what evidence is this based? As I’ve outlined above mediation is both confidential and legally privileged. It would be an untenable situation, for me and I think most mediators, for mediators to be called to court to either give evidence about what happened in the mediation process, or to be asked to make a judgement call on whether the clients the mediator had seen had been reasonable in their attempts to mediate. Such an assertion would also breach the principle of mediators being impartial. At this stage I would question how many of the fundamental principles of mediation might be left!
3. As mediators we are driven to help people in need. Our desire is to help people in difficult situations to navigate this often challenging path, and to have conversations they are unable to have between themselves. It is to help parents to support their children and to make decisions that are in their best interests. It is also to help them map out a future post-separation and to steadily make arrangements that create a map for this. To see those in mediation who are not there willingly, or with the intention that they have decided mediation is the right way forward for them, may well require a very different skillset and approach. It may, fundamentally, require all mediators to have additional training. This will require time, money and considerable co-ordination. It also may change the basic nature of mediation work. Would all mediators remain in the profession? Would there then be sufficient mediators to do this work? These are questions that must be considered before any rule changes were made.

As you’ve probably gathered from the above I have concerns about making any joint mediation meetings compulsory – even with safeguards. I believe it changes mediation into something else and taking away it’s fundamental nature makes me question whether it would still be what we know as mediation.

Domestic Abuse

I’ve seen a lot of talk about domestic abuse from people in discussions about the consultation and rightly so. I want to stress that currently victims of abuse are exempt from the current requirement to attend a MIAMS. Anecdotally I’m not sure that this is understand by everyone as I still get referrals for MIAMS from lawyers where the client has been a victim of physical violence and I have seen courts refer out for MIAMS in such situations too. Mediators screen all people that they see in MIAMS meetings for their suitability to attend mediation. They are trained to be alert to physical abuse, emotional abuse, financial abuse, and controlling behaviours. This is a fundamental part of the mediation process and these exemptions should continue to apply in any changes that are made to mediation. The government says this in the document on the consultation:

“We have reviewed the current MIAM exemptions as well as international examples of how other countries have developed policies to make pre-court mediation compulsory. A common feature of these systems and our current MIAM requirement, is that cases where domestic abuse65 concerns are identified, or are otherwise not suitable, are identified early and not required to proceed with mediation
before a court application can be made.

We recognise that mediation is not suitable for these and other circumstances (such as
certain urgent and/or child protection circumstances as specified in current MIAM
exemptions). We want to ensure there are appropriate exemptions to a mediation
requirement in order to achieve a balance between access to court and maximising
opportunities for agreements to be reached privately. In this consultation we are seeking
views on appropriate exemptions, but we will also take into account the views of the
Family Procedure Rule Committee following its review of the MIAM exemptions list.”

The consultation specifically highlights the need to help victims of domestic abuse and to prevent them being re-traumatised by the way issues are resolved. My hope is that the need for robust screening and to exempt victims of abuse from these requirements will continue and it will be the mediator’s judgement as to whether mediation is suitable or not. To my mind this is absolutely essential.

This goes hand in hand with ensuring that mediators are properly trained and that they are screening appropriately and comprehensively. The changes to MIAMS requirements which were introduced on 1st October 2022 already highlight this and there are now requirements that mediators undertake training on domestic abuse and screening. It also ensures a uniform standards for MIAMS meetings so that there is a clear quality of service and standardisation of this as a required meeting by statute. As an aside the government recognises in its consultation that the requirements to attend a MIAMS meeting has not worked as intended and this is a welcome addressing of a long held frustration of mediators, lawyers and other professionals alike.

The government voucher scheme

Separated parents who want to access family mediation to talk about issues relating to their children can get up to £500 (per couple) towards their mediation costs. This typically funds at least a meeting and can leave a balance as a deduction from a second meeting. It has been helpful in encouraging parents to be open and willing to try mediation without worrying that their limited budget might be used up. This has also enabled greater statistics to be compiled relating to mediation outcomes which has shown just how beneficial mediation has been for those using it. It has certainly diverted many people away from the court process and enabled them to find a resolution to some or all issues much more quickly and in a calmer way.

The funding for this has now been extended on a couple of occasions and the consultation looks at whether this should be made permanent. It will also look at whether it should be extended so that those wishing to talk about financial issues can also access it. Currently legal aid is available for family mediation (in a way that it isn’t for accessing legal advice as this is limited to certain situations such as for victims of abuse) for those that qualify. The voucher funding is available for everyone regardless of their means.

As a mediator who has offered the voucher since the outset I have certainly seen the benefits of it first hand with those thinking they would have to go to court giving mediation a try in a way they might not have done had they not been able to have a first meeting completely funded. In most cases this has meant that the parents have not ended up going to court.

I would certainly be in favour of seeing this made permanent. I think if the government does make mediation compulsory it has to be funded as otherwise you may force people to get into debt. The voucher does not currently fund a MIAMS so this is something people have to fund if they are not eligible for legal aid (or choose to use a mediator without a legal aid contract). I would also be in favour of it being extended to cover discussions on financial issues for similar reasons. Too often parties cannot access assets they have to find money to fund mediation and this puts a financial constraint and a huge burden on them. Being able to access funding to part fund mediation costs would I think encourage more people to try mediation, and reduce the financial burden. This, to me, is a better option than making mediation compulsory. It is, if you will, carrot in place of stick.

The positives

You will gather from the above that there are concerns about what this might mean but I also wanted to highlight the many positives that I see that potentially stem from this consultation:

• Greater recognition of the impact of domestic abuse on families is long overdue and recognising the protection that they need is extremely important. Freeing up court time by diverting those that don’t need it so those that do need the protection can access it in a less time constrained and more supportive way will be a significant and much needed shift in our family justice system
• Ensuring that separating couples have access to information about all the options open to them at an early stage can only be a good thing. This enables them to properly understand their options and to make decisions about the right way forward accordingly.
• Making it easier to access information about support through local hubs is also a beneficial change. Those googling separation related issues are met with a huge number of different pages on an online search and they have no way of going through them all to determine what is helpful. Having support contained in hubs that are signposted from professionals and potentially even the government website is a positive step. As I’m also fond of saying to clients, no one teaches you about separation so when it happens why on earth would you have any clue what to do?
• I’m a mediator so of course I’m evangelical about the benefits of mediation. I don’t think you’d really expect me to be any other way, would you? That doesn’t mean I believe it’s the right process for everyone. It isn’t if there is a power imbalance that can’t be overcome through safeguards, and it certainly isn’t if the thought of even participating in a meeting with your ex partner in a separate space terrifies you. There are also situations where people may require more progress or recovery in their grief before they can properly take advantage of the mediation process. What I do want to stress is that these are all things that mediators look at in MIAMS meetings so you don’t need to worry about making an initial enquiry of a mediator, or referring a client you’re working with to mediation.
• Too many people end up in court because they don’t know about other options. They don’t need to be there, and it doesn’t help them to fundamentally improve their communication so that they are able to tackle issues themselves going forwards. The problems in the court process are dire: long waits for hearings, long awaited final hearings being cancelled the afternoon before because a judge is not available, lost paperwork, and limited ability to talk to a human and find answers. Diverting those that can be better served in other dispute resolution processes from the court system has to then improve it for those that need it. Such changes will also improve the stress levels of lawyers representing clients in court and those working within the court system. Some people may say this is irrelevant but ask yourself whether you want to be dealing with people who are on the verge of burnout or those who genuinely enjoy their jobs? Most family lawyers I know genuinely want to help their clients and are distressed by the court problems hampering their abilities to provide that support. They spend ever more time trying to find alternatives to help clients achieve a final resolution without using the overburdened court system.

A last point here, I’ve not yet written my response to the consultation. I have a document where I’m collating points I want to flag and things I want to make sure I cover. I want my response to be as comprehensive and constructive as possible. I’ve found conversations with other professionals and those who are going through a separation, or who have been through a separation, to be really helpful in helping me to ensure that this is what I’m putting together. In a recent group supervision meeting we talked about the consultation and I’m sure I gained as much from it as my consultees. If you are in any way affected or interested in this consultation then PLEASE respond. You have until 15th June and there’s a link to it at the top of this page. I really believe it will be the better for hearing as many voices as possible, covering as many different points and angles as we can. This will help (hopefully!) the government to make the changes that will be the most useful, supportive and effective. That essentially is what I believe we all want!

Louisa Whitney is the founder of LKW Family Mediation and an accredited and child inclusive mediator and a PPC.

Other blogs you may find useful:

Preparing for family mediation

Separation Guidance

You may also find our free resources helpful.

If you’re a professional working with separating individuals of couples then you may be interested in our forthcoming training events program.

What is the difference?

Couples engage in therapy for many different reasons. They may decide they cannot overcome the challenges in the relationship on their own and would like couples therapy to help them find a way forward in their relationship. Others have decided they would like to separate and seek emotional support for themselves and their family. Some couples are undecided if they would like to stay together or separate. Therapy is an emotionally supportive space to help couples communicate more effectively, to be listened to, and their emotions to be explored and acknowledged in a safe space. It can be incredibly empowering and effective to provide a space where you feel heard, understood and your feelings validated. Couple therapy is not about getting the other person to change their perspective or views of one’s own narrative, it is hopefully a space to hear each other’s feelings and accept them and learn different coping strategies and ways of positive communication.

Couples sometimes enter mediation with a range of emotions, loss, hurt, anger, resentment, hope. This can be a barrier in moving forward and taking the next steps, therapy can help prepare you as a couple for mediation, it can enable you both to open those difficult conversations, providing time and space for unresolved emotions to be explored, looking at the past, present, and future and empowering you to be ready for mediation with a clearer and more positive focus.

Family mediation is the next step for couples once they have decided to separate or start the divorce process. Mediation is about taking couples forward in helping and supporting them in looking at different options surrounding childcare, finances and other areas they would like to raise. Mediation provides the optimum space to explore all options for the here and now and the future.

There are similarities in Couple therapy and Family Mediation, namely, your mediator and or couple therapist is working for you both, striving for the best outcome for you as a couple. The space provided in both settings is safe and free from judgment. You will be encouraged to explore a variety of options in helping you move forward and your mediator and or therapist is neutral and impartial. All information shared is confidential (excluding safety concerns) most importantly both Mediation and therapy is voluntary, you can decide if it is the right way forward for you.

Blogs you may also find useful

Preparing for family mediation

Separation: your changing family

You can also download free resources we’ve created to help you manage your separation as Calmly, Constructively, Conscious and Compassionately as possible.

1. If you’re a separated parent then you need to be up front with any potential new partner about your situation and the fact that there are other people who are important in your world and that you will need to tread carefully and sensitively in raising the subject of a new relationship with them. If any new partner isn’t prepared to also be sensitive to the needs of your children and their other parent then ask yourself if they’re the right person for you to be in a relationship with.
2. The timing of introducing new partners is often a tricky subject. Most people are unlikely to introduce a new partner to their children when they’ve only had a few dates but equally most people want their children to have met their wonderful new partner before they make a substantial commitment to each other like moving in. It helps to be sensitive to the length of time you’ve been separated from your co-parent. If it’s only a matter of months then your children may still be adjusting to the separation and may need more time before being open to meeting mum or dad’s new partner. It helps to remember that children can often be behind their parents in the grieving cycle and they can harbour wishes that their parents will get back together. So knowing that mum or dad are in new relationships can sometimes be a blow to this which can make them upset.
3. When you do decide to tell your children that you’re in a new relationship then make sure you’ve created a space where you have time to talk and to answer their questions and see how they react. It also helps to give the other parent the heads up that you’ll be having this conversation (and therefore that you’re in a new relationship). Children often worry about their parents being OK and if they are happy that you’ve met someone but go home and see their other parent is upset at this news then that can affect how they feel about it. If your co-parent has the heads up and is expecting the children will share this then it gives them time to react in the way that they’d like to without being “ambushed”.

4. If your children seem positive about the new relationship then it maybe the right time for everyone to meet. Think about how this can happen in the best way. You will want your children to be able to spend time with your new partner in a place where they will feel comfortable and to not feel it’s too intense. You can always ask your children for ideas about where the best place to meet your new partner might be!

5. If it becomes a regular feature spending time with both your children and your new partner (and possibly their children) together then do remember that your children may also want some one on one time with you as their parent too and to not to always have to share you with other people.

6. Ensure that you are open with your children so that they feel able to share with you how they feel about your new partner. Feeling able and comfortable to have conversations with you – even if they’re difficult – will help to keep channels of communication open with your children. If they feel they can’t share things because you won’t listen, or get angry or sad then they will probably stop sharing them.

7. It also helps to keep channels of communication open with your co-parent. Many difficulties are caused in co-parenting relationships when one person begins a new relationship. Sometimes this can be because things weren’t shared openly and the co-parent found out through someone else. It can also be because this stirs up feelings in the other person related to the relationship breakdown. This is normal and natural and may just take a little while to settle down.

8. If you and your new partner decide to make a commitment to each other by moving in together or getting married then it helps to think about how the child and step parent relationship will work. Creating boundaries helps everyone to understand what’s OK and what isn’t. Questions such as how a step parent can deal with issues that crop up if they’re alone with your children can be really helpful. Managing dynamics between your children and your partner’s children can also require some thought and patience.

9. As with all relationships there will of course be bumps in the road and it won’t be plain sailing all the time. If everybody involved can follow the 4 Cs of effective communicating: Calm, Constructive, Conscious and Compassionate then this will aid discussions.

10. If anybody involved is struggling or there are particular issues causing difficulties then it’s often best to seek out professional support at the earliest stage rather than leaving problems to become more entrenched. Family Mediation may help you to address issues, or intervention from a therapist or coach can be helpful to get back on track. If you need us to signpost to support then please get in touch.

You might have seen me talking on social media about the 4 Cs of effective communication and I thought it would help to write a blog about them in more detail. They are the four fundamental pillars of communication. They’re fundamental because as with table legs you need all the legs for the table to stand securely and not fall over. The same is true of good and productive communication.

Before I explain more I just wanted to talk a little about why this is important. What is the point of communication and why does it need to function well? The simple truth is that it is impossible for two or more people to achieve anything if they can’t communicate well. If you ask a builder to build an extension and aren’t clear about how big you want it to be, or how high, you are unlikely to get what you want. If you aren’t clear with your waiter about what you’re ordering how can you expect to get the meal you desire?

In an office setting teams cannot function if everyone isn’t clear about their role and what actions you need to take. It doesn’t matter how incredible you are at your job, if other people aren’t doing what you’re expecting them to things are unlikely to pan out well.

If you’re separating from a partner then effective communication matters enormously for the following reasons:

• You have solutions to find to a number of issues. These may include: where you will each live, how you will make ends meet, when your children will be with mum and when they will be with dad, how you will support your children with this life change, how will you divide the furniture and other items in your house. Without understanding what you each want and your priorities and objectives it is extremely difficult to fund mutually agreeable solutions to these issues.
• You will likely need the services of lawyers, mediators and possibly other professionals to assist you. How much you need them (and thus how much their support will cost) can often be decided by how able you are to communicate outside of the legal or mediation process. If every single thing has to be negotiated in mediation, or with lawyer support, then it will mean a bigger bill for this.
• If you are parents then you will always be parents to your children. If your children are younger then there will be school events where they’d like you both to attend, pick ups, weekends and school holidays to sort out. Even once your children are more independent there will be big occasions like graduations, weddings, grandchildren and other special occasions that your children would like to mark with their parents (and potentially any step parents and other family members). If you’re not able to have even the most basic of communication it makes such things much harder to organisation and mean the burden and responsibility for such arrangements is more likely to fall on your children.
• If you can communicate effectively you are your own mouth piece. You don’t need anyone to speak for you and you therefore significantly reduce the risk of miscommunication and misunderstandings.
• Being able to communicate in a functional way between the two of you (even if it’s just civil rather than warm or welcoming) reduces the stress that you both feel because you know you can work things out and you won’t need to involve third parties, incur costs or deal with the fallout of a significant misunderstanding.

So what are the 4 Cs that are the four pillars of communication?

They are Calm, Constructive, Conscious and Compassionate. I’ve outlined what I mean by each one and its function below.

Calm

This is perhaps the easiest one to explain as most people understand the principle of remaining calm. Unfortunately in our stressed out, overstimulated and overwhelming world we don’t always know that we’re not calm until we “lose it”. Too many of us live life frazzled and on the edge of burnout and never understanding why we snap so often or are suddenly reduced to tears.

When we add in a significant life event like a separation what was already stretched can move to breaking point. If you are in fight or flight mode then you are living in your sympathetic nervous system. Being regularly in this stage – or for prolonged periods of time – can be detrimental to your health, and you can effectively get stuck in this stage. It’s important to note that you don’t have access to your full brain functioning in this state. It doesn’t matter how hard you might try, it’s a physiological state that prevents you being able to access parts of your brain that deal with reasoning.

Learning how to find the fastest route back to calm, and therefore the parasympathetic ‘rest and digest’ nervous system, and full brain functioning, is an essential life skill to have but many people don’t have it. Do you know how to turn yourself from wound up like a clockwork mouse to a little more zen? If you don’t know how to do this and can’t always recognise when you’re not calm then this can be a huge barrier to effective communication.

Different people find different tools effective. Here are some tools that might be effective:

• exercise (be that a gentle yoga practice, a walk around the block or something more invigorating)
• Distraction by way of doing something completely different
• Meditation or something meditative like mindful colouring (for some people it can be hard to go directly from wound up to this)
• Sounds (for some music can be hugely useful as well as guided meditation or things like ocean sounds)
• Breath

I will dwell on breath for a moment because whilst the other strategies are helpful it is breath that for me is the fastest route between different states and the fastest route to feeling calmer. This might be when faced with a challenging situation, or when you’re struggling to get back to sleep. There are many different breathing exercises you can do and you can find amazing breath practitioners like James Nestor or James Dowler and others sharing tips on Instagram. The fundamental point is that when we are stressed, anxious, upset, angry or feeling other intense feelings our breath tends to become very shallow which contributes to the body’s sense that something bad is happening. If we can slow down our breathing – in whatever way feels right for us – then we can usually return to a calmer state – even if it takes far more breaths than you might think it does.

Constructive

This pillar is intensely practical and often relates to understanding how language can be made more constructive. Here are some simple tips for those trying to find solutions following a separation:

• “Our” children will always elicit a more constructive response than “my” children
• Any question that starts with why is usually met with a defensive response as the other person feels they have to justify themselves (see also questions that start with what)
• Usually I language can be a more constructive way of broaching a difficult point. I’m curious to know; I’d like to understand; I’m just wondering about this
• Ensuring the other person feels heard is also really important in constructive conversations. Helping someone to feel heard and understood doesn’t mean you agree with them. It just means you’re genuinely interested to understand their viewpoint. Acknowledging their priorities or worries or the emotion they’re feeling can be really powerful. It can also help to summarise what you think the other person is saying to check you’ve understood
• Seeing the issue you’re trying to solve as something external to you both is also useful. If you see the problem as the other person then you tend to get stuck in who’s right and who’s wrong. If you can see it as something that you both need to work together to resolve then this can be a more constructive viewpoint

There is often a desire to be amicable in a separating couple but this is closely followed by a frustration that communication doesn’t feel effective or positive. Following tips like these can help both parties to feel things are constructive. If you feel a discussion is constructive then you’re much more likely to stick with it and to actively look for solutions rather than closing down, or giving up. Ask yourself do I come across as constructive?

Here are a couple of things to avoid if you want to seem constructive:

• Telling the other person what they should do or where they’ve made a mistake. If you’re not sure if that’s what you’re doing ask yourself how you’d feel if they said to you what you’re about to say to them.
• Passing judgement on decisions or views expressed by your ex-partner. It’s OK to disagree and for you to feel differently but if you can treat their views as valid it helps things feel a whole lot more constructive.
• This is the biggie: try to avoid telling anyone they shouldn’t feel the way they do. You might think something is an overreaction or the wrong response but feelings are all about the person having them. We all have our own life experiences and views and these inform our thoughts, feelings and actions. They are a response to who we are and things that have happened to us. Treating the other person’s feelings as valid (even if you think you would feel differently) is an essential part of being constructive.

Conscious

This is probably the hardest part to explain. I mean you can’t really communicate when you’re unconscious! Mindful might perhaps be a more easy to understand pillar but then it wouldn’t begin with C and the 4 Cs concept would fall down!

Essentially by conscious I do mean communicating mindfully so focusing on what you’re saying (and how you’re saying it) and your reactions rather than allowing this to be driven by knee jerk emotional responses. I also mean focusing on the other person so you can show that you are interested in what they’re saying. We all know that when you’re trying to make a point that’s important to you, someone else looking at their phone, or huffing and puffing, or trying to interrupt doesn’t assist you in feeling heard and understood.

There’s also a deeper meaning that might be harder to explain. If you’ve read the Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield then you may already understand this. This book gives 9 insights (and there are further insights in subsequent books) which I would describe as wisdoms to live by. They are spiritual teachings on life, humans and how we interact. Among them it talks about charging ourselves up with energy by seeing beauty in nature so that we are living from a place of having our own cup full. The eighth insight shares how to focus this energy and to send it to others when they are sharing and talking. They talk about conscious discussions and how each person intuitively knows when it is their turn to share their wisdom and the responsibility of the group is to send energy to the speaker so that the speaker is able to share their wisdom with the group as the group then benefits.

You might be on board with such an idea or you may be feeling confused or sceptical. Just remember that all feelings are valid

Compassionate

This is probably easy enough to understand on an intellectual or head level but harder to put into practice or to feel in the heart. It’s understandable that you might not feel compassion towards an ex-partner. You may feel hurt, anger, or strong sadness as well as many other emotions. When you feel like this it’s easy to close yourself off and to feel that they do not understand what you’re going through, and that they are faring much better than you and will be better off (financially, emotionally or in some other way). This is rarely completely true and in 20+ years of working with those going through a separation I have never seen anyone completely unaffected by their separation. It just affects people in different ways and sometimes people do their hardest grieving before telling their partner they want to separate.

If you can give your ex-partner the benefit of the doubt then this can help open the door to compassion. Perhaps they have felt upset or guilty or hurt too? They might also worry about their future and what it will be like. Can you work from the point of view that they are trying to suggest what is best for everyone but you simply disagree about what is best?

Finding compassion is not about agreeing with someone when you think they’re wrong. It’s simply about accepting that they have feelings and that their feelings are valid too. It’s about accepting they might have their reasons for their views and feelings just as you do.

If you can come from your heart in your interactions then this tends to change the tone in conversations and this is why it’s one of the pillars of effective communication. Yeah right people often say but what’s the point in being compassionate if they’re going to throw it back in my face? It’s a valid point and opening your heart in a different way to someone who has hurt you is not an easy exercise at all. It takes strength and courage.

Would it help if I explained that it is ultimately for your benefit? As with forgiveness when we carry heavy emotions, grudges and resentments it is a load that we bear as the person carrying it. It is our body that struggles with the burden and not the other person’s. If we can free ourselves from this weight then we are freeing ourselves and lightening our own backpack and so we will feel the benefit. It is in all ways an act of self-compassion, and often we need to receive compassion in order to be able to give it. You can’t pour from an empty cup. So having compassion for yourself can be the first step in building this pillar. Maybe you need to forgive yourself for things you did, or didn’t do? Perhaps for the fact your relationship didn’t work out as you had intended it to? Be kind to yourself and compassionate and accept that things don’t always pan out as we’d like them to. It might not resonate yet but sometimes that can be because there are even better things round the corner.

Lastly, I’d like to say a little word about the heart space. Call it the heart space, the heart, the heart chakra – whatever feels right for you. From years of self-doubt, negative thinking, trials and tribulations I have learnt that I am in my best possible space when my feet are firmly planted on the ground and I am approaching life from my heart space. Looking at all situations through the lens of my heart and therefore compassion. From this space I can feel the storm around me but it cannot knock me over or break me. I can feel the emotions of all that is going on around me, and I can be touched by them. But I am not going to be overwhelmed by them. I will bend and not break as my brilliant yoga teaches says.

When I am in this space I am truly standing in my power and that is why it needs to be included. Part of having these four pillars and looking at the depth of them, is not just to sticking plaster over difficulties or just fudge a solution; it’s to truly look at what is the best things can be. Sure you won’t be there all the time, and the journey to find it might take some time, but it is absolutely worth finding that space, and if you know it’s there it inspires you to keep going when things are challenging and tough and you feel like giving up.

If you’re going through a separation and thinking you’re struggling to find self-compassion, let alone compassion for your ex then this might help. Why not sign up for our free 5 days of loving and inspiring messages (with a bit of separation support thrown in). They’re designed to help inspire you to finding self-compassion and to help you feel loved at this challenging time.

If you’re a family lawyer, mediator or other practitioner reading this then you might be interested in a workshop I’m running on 12th July. It’s the lowest price workshop I’ve ever run to give back to all those who have supported me as it’s 10 years since I qualified as a mediator. If you’d like more info then click here.