Keeping children out of conflict in your divorce

In my role as a Family Mediator and Family Counsellor writes Michelle Rumsey I have worked with children who have experienced their parents’ conflict. Conflict is not always children witnessing parents shouting, it can be parents not verbally communicating, it can be parents being verbally negative about the other parent to the child/ren, or it can be a parent refusing to include the other parent in daily activities or communicating about the children’s needs. All forms of conflict children witness, or experience can impact on their wellbeing and how they view conflict in relationships going forward.  

How do parents keep children out of conflict, when most parents and children during the period of separation live in the same home?  This is something mediator get asked a lot!  Changes are happening in the parents’ relationship causing emotions to be difficult and overwhelming to manage at times. It can be difficult for some parents to be able to step outside of their own emotions and they can struggle to see the impact conflict is having on their children.

When you’re supporting children through a challenging life event you are often drawing on your past experience of friendship difficulties, or school issues, to support them.  With a separation you are going through it live at the same time as your children (albeit from a different angle) and so it’s harder to have the detachment that time brings.  You may find some of the things your children ask or say about the separation difficult and it’s hard not to show that.  It’s OK to explain that you are finding it difficult too.  You could talk about what support you’re getting to manage your emotions and stresses to normalise to your children or children that sometimes we all need help when we go through tough times.

For parents to support their children, it’s helpful to have their own coping strategies and support in place. This will help them have the emotional space and strength to be more available and self-aware of their children’s needs.   For parents and children alike, having a safe space to offload how you’re feeling to someone who won’t get upset, or feel hurt, or take offense is crucial.

Parents can look at

• Couple counselling – I have worked with many couples who have come to me for counselling to look at the best ways of telling the children they are separating, how to communicate more effectively and understand their own beliefs and experiences of separation and conflict
• Create your own support network, family, friends, this might not always be friends that you talk to, friends that being around help you feel better. Who is the person you feel you can call/talk to if you are struggling
• Have your own plan, if at home and you can identify your emotions rising, know your limits (giving yourself a scale of 1-10. If 7, is you are wanting to scream, identify when you are a number 6 and put strategies in place, go for a walk, call someone or find other ways of avoiding being in a situation that is going to create more negative emotions and potentially conflict).
• Reflect on your own experiences of conflict. We can not avoid conflict in life, what has felt healthy conflict for you?  
• If you have experienced unhealthy conflict, how have you felt?
• Parents have to work out how they are going to deal with conflict, this may be setting time aside to discuss difficult subjects they know will impact emotions negatively, When the children are not in the home. It might be enlisting the services of a family mediator to help with resolving short and long term issues.
• We are all good at thinking we can ‘mind read’ other people, the reality is we cannot ‘mind read’. Talk to each other about how you imagine co-parenting will be now separated and what your hopes both are.  Never assume you know what the other person is thinking.  It can be very different to what you think.
• Parents can make plans as to what their day and week looks like and when their children will spend time with each parenting.  It can help to have a shared diary or to use a co-parenting app to manage arrangement and communications if things are difficult.

Regardless of the age of children, if conflict with parents is demonstrated in a negative way (screaming, shouting, violence, silent treatment) then this will have an impact on children. Each child is different in how they manage parents’ conflict. Some children will become very reserved and withdrawn, other children act out in other behaviours. For example, becoming a school refuser, having friendships issues, or self-harming.  Older children may indulge in more risk taking behaviour.

Children will already be dealing with many emotions during their parents’ separation, it is important we keep children out of their parent’s conflict and support them during these changes.

How do we support children during these difficult times of change.  

• Communicating on how best to talk to your children. If your children, see you are both talking positively to each other they may feel they don’t have to take sides.
• Parents should not talk negatively about the other parent. You should also ensure other family members and friends don’t either.
• Parents can show children that conflict can be healthy if managed well.  This can be a really important life lesson for them that conflict can exist and be handled well.
• Ask the children (depending on their age) who their support network is, if they are unsure put one in place with them.
• Encourage children to express their needs by writing, drawing and talking.
• If you are unsure if you are selling the house or where you are living, be honest with the children in a child friendly way. It’s OK to say that there are still some details that you’re working out.
• Validate their emotions so they can feel how they feel, and know that this is ok. As parent we can find our children’s upset distressing and seek to minimise their feelings without properly acknowledging them.  It’s really important that children feel you understand their feelings and that you see them as valid.
• Keep routines as consistent as possible
• Include children where possible in decisions.  This doesn’t mean they make the decisions but that you seek out their views before making the decisions.  This can be one through child inclusive mediation if needed.
• Don’t assume you know how your child feels, every child will feel differently. Ask them, listen, always listen and give space, don’t ask how are you feeling when you are running late for school.  Allow space for these conversations.

Separation is one of life’s most difficult times, even if it is an amicable separation. We have many emotions from uncertainty and loss. Working with couples for years, I have seen a real difference in families that are able to keep children out of conflict and the positive impact this has had. I don’t doubt those couples are finding the change just as challenging as everyone, if you are able to plan and communicate with each other this will be less distressing and upsetting for your children.