I recently began my training as an EMDR therapist writes Michelle Rumsey, and since starting the course I’ve been reflecting a lot on trauma and the ways it can impact us in so many areas of our lives. What has struck me most is how the same experience can affect people very differently. Two individuals may go through something similar, yet the emotional and psychological impact can be completely unique to each person.

As both a family mediator and a therapist, this has led me to think more deeply about my work with separating couples. I’ve been wondering whether EMDR could play a role in supporting clients before or even alongside the mediation process.

For many people, the end of a relationship can be a deeply traumatic experience. Clients may come to mediation only a few months after separating, while others may wait a year or more before seeking support. In my experience, the length of time since separation is often less important than a person’s emotional readiness. When clients are able to regulate their emotions, they are generally better able to engage in mediation, make informed decisions, and begin planning for their future.

Divorce is often described as one of the most stressful life events a person can experience. It can bring a wide range of powerful emotions — anger, sadness, frustration, confusion, loss and guilt. For many individuals, separation can have a significant impact on psychological wellbeing. Some people may experience depression, increased alcohol or drug use, health difficulties, or ongoing unhappiness. The breakdown of a relationship can also affect attachment patterns and sometimes trigger earlier unresolved trauma.

When you consider everything someone may already be carrying emotionally, it can feel overwhelming to then ask them to make complex decisions about children, finances and the future. Just thinking about that level of pressure can feel daunting.

Of course, it is also important to recognise that separation is not always negative. For some individuals, particularly those leaving abusive or harmful relationships,  divorce can represent an important and positive step towards safety and a healthier future.

This is where I have been curious about whether EMDR could offer additional support for some clients. EMDR is a trauma-focused therapy designed to help people process difficult experiences and reduce their emotional impact. In theory, helping clients process traumatic memories or emotional triggers could potentially support them to:

• clarify their goals before entering mediation
• process difficult or painful relationship experiences
• reduce emotional reactivity when seeing or speaking with their former partner
• process betrayal or relationship trauma
• lower feelings of anger or shame
• shift negative beliefs about themselves or the situation
• improve emotional regulation during difficult conversations

If clients feel calmer, more emotionally regulated and clearer about what matters to them, they may be better able to engage constructively in mediation and make decisions that support their future.

I am very much at the beginning of my journey as an EMDR therapist, and I am curious to explore whether this approach could help support some of the clients I work with in mediation. I don’t believe there is a single approach that works for everyone, but I do believe that having a range of supportive tools available can only benefit the people we work with.

What I do know is that many professionals working in both therapy and mediation share the same aim, to help individuals and families navigate one of the most challenging periods of their lives with greater understanding, support and care.

If you’d like to talk to Michelle about her work and current training as an EMDR therapist then contact us on 01306 320520 or email admin@lkwfamilymediation.co.uk

• Emotions – Allowing yourself to grieve, a separation is a loss, and you will experience a lot of different emotions, maybe some emotions you have not felt so strongly before. Give yourself the time and space to feel these emotions. It is ok to feel anger, sadness, frustration, relief and so on. These are your emotions, and you are allowed to feel them.
• Support – Look for support around you from the people that you trust and feel safe with. Friends and family. Don’t suffer alone, reach out to others.
• Boundaries – Surround yourself with people that have a positive impact on you. Put boundaries on those that have a negative impact on you, prioritising your needs and not putting unnecessary pressure on yourself.  
• Professionals – Look for a therapist or support group with others that are in a similar situation. I have one near me that is called ‘Divorce Group’ they run 6-week course and share experiences and help with information and support each other.
• Small steps – Whilst we must plan for future events, focus on day-to-day tasks, when you feel ready focus on your next steps and then on the future. There is no set plan when this must be, you can decide when you feel emotionally ready to work towards the next steps.

• Experiences – Try old and new activities you like or may like. When a relationship comes to an end, we work through who we are as an individual and what we like doing, this may be similar activities to before or we may like to try new activities.
• Pleasure – If you find experiences are not as pleasurable as before, look for experiences that give you a little bit of pleasure, even if it is not much as you used to experience. That will come later. Small steps for now, any amount of pleasure is good.
• The outside – Being in fresh air, this could be going for a walk on your own or with others, exercising something that you like and is not a chore.
• Sleep – You may be sleeping more or less than normal. If you are struggling to sleep, try a different routine, if you find it difficult going to sleep, don’t worry research has shown resting in bed is just as important. Allowing yourself 8 hours or rest or sleep in bed. Finding ways to relax and a moment of calmness.
• Eating – Sometimes we eat when we are happy or sad, sometimes we don’t eat when we are happy or sad. Most importantly if you’re eating habits have changed, see food as fuelling, a car would not start if it didn’t have petrol. It is important to fuel yourself to start the day. Regular meals throughout the day, will help with energy and regulating emotions. Research shows if we don’t have fuel in our body we are more emotional and find day to day tasks more difficult.

You may find the free downloads we offer helpful in navigating different aspects of separation. We also have an online course called your Road Map to Surviving and Thriving in divorce that takes you through the things you may need to sort out, as well as things to consider with regard to the more emotional aspects. It also covers each of the 4 Cs of effective communication (Calm, Constructive, Conscious and Compassionate) to help you with other aspects of separation as well as ensuring discussing are productive.

According to the Gottman Institute “it is OK to argue in front of kids some of the time. It can actually be good for them. But the kind of argument you’re having and how you communicate your thoughts and feelings makes a BIG difference.” 

If there is a difference of opinion on a certain issue, ensuring that communication remains calm and respectful is essential.  Disagreements are a reality of not only family life but life in general.  Children will experience their own disagreements and conflicts with their friends and siblings, and in the future with their own partners.  They need to learn how to deal with those conflicts by experiencing productive and positive communication, and how this can lead to a resolution. 

However, those at the Gottman Institute also recognise that if children are frequently exposed to incidents of high conflict, they can become “anxious, distressed, sad, angry, and depressed. These feelings result in sleep disturbances, poor performance at school, and difficulty focusing. In the longer term, these kids may become unable to manage conflict and form healthy adult relationships”. 

It is therefore really important to be aware of how your interactions with one another are managed.  Here are some tips:

• Being civil with each other really matters to your children.  Acknowledging one another, making eye contact and entering into small talk at handovers shows your children that you are able to put your differences to one side, to make things easier for them.
• Don’t make things personal.  Avoid speaking negatively about your ex-partner, either in front of them or in the presence of your children. Your children know that they are half you and half their other parent and hearing negative views about either one of you can affect how they see themselves.
• If there is something particularly difficult that you need to discuss, and you anticipate the conversation may not go well, schedule a mutually convenient time for you and your ex-partner to sit down and talk it through, away from the children (i.e they are not in the house at the time).  The opportunity for them to overhear or experience any conflict is then taken away.  If you feel that some support is needed to reach a resolution, consider exploring the option of mediation. This process can provide a safe and professional environment to discuss the issues that you are struggling with, with the help of an impartial third party.  For parents who have not accessed the provision before, the Ministry of Justice provides a Voucher Scheme whereby parents can access £500 towards their joint mediation costs when they wish to discuss arrangements for their children in mediation.  For further information see the link below or get in touch with us on 01306 320520 or via admin@lkwfamilymediation.co.uk as we can claim the voucher for you.

Family Mediation Voucher Scheme – GOV.UK

Other helpful resources:

A simple way to think about co-parenting

Positive Psychology is the science of happiness and is concerned with helping individuals flourish and thrive in life. Whereas traditional Psychology looks at what’s ‘wrong’ with people, Positive Psychology focuses on the positives and negatives equally. It focuses on what’s going well in your life, with your relationships and work and building on your strengths.

We’re all hardwired to focus more on the negative things in life… it’s called ‘negativity bias’… and it’s our brain’s way of keeping us safe. And when you’re going through a divorce, which is the second most stressful life event you can experience, it can be hard to believe that there’s anything to be positive about! But there are always things to feel positive about… it’s about bringing your focus onto those things.

The first stage of feeling happier after your divorce is acknowledging that you have the power to change your mindset and your wellbeing. Studies have shown that 40% of our happiness is within our control and only 10% is due to our circumstances (the other 50% is genetic). You’re much more in control of your own happiness than you might think.

There are many tools in Positive Psychology to help you change how you think and feel in an instant and these can be transformational. Some of these practices you’ll only need to do once to create a shift, and others will become daily practices. These small practices will all have a compounding effect over time and lead to improved happiness and wellbeing.

So here are 8 tools from the science of Positive Psychology to help you to feel happier after your divorce:

Positive Emotions brainstorm – brainstorm all the things that bring you joy and happiness in your life. What do you love doing? What makes you laugh? Who do you love to be with? What have you always wanted to do? Focus on finding the micro joys in your day… those small moments of joy in your everyday life that give you that dopamine hit and make you feel happy. Start to actively plan some of these activities into your day and week and notice how your happiness starts to increase.

Surround yourself with people who light you up – Research has shown that emotions are contagious. We’re wired to mimic the facial expressions and moods of the people we’re with. When you’re going through your divorce surround yourself with people who light you up and make you feel good about yourself. Their positivity will rub off on you. Limit your time spent with people who drain you and just want to hear the ins and outs of what’s going on in your life – that just reconnects you with all the negative emotions.

3 Good Things – This is one of the most used and well-known Positive Psychology tools. It’s been proven to significantly improve wellbeing and reduce symptoms of depression. At the end of your day write down 3 things that have gone well for you and really take the time to connect with those things and feel the emotions associated with them. Reflect on why each thing happened and your role in it. Just start with something small if you struggle to start with.

Start paying attention to the questions you’re asking yourself – Asking yourself questions like ‘why aren’t I good enough?’ or ‘What’s wrong with me?’ just puts the focus on what isn’t working well in your life and keeps you in victim mode. Instead ask yourself more empowering questions like ‘What can I do right now to improve my mood?’ or ‘What’s one thing I’m grateful for in my life right now?’. What you focus on in life is what you get so start focusing on the positives.

Random Acts of Kindness – Studies done in Positive Psychology show that 1 of the 5 side effects of kindness is an increase in happiness. When we focus on others and how we can help them, our energy shifts into the positive and we open ourselves up to a lot more happiness. There’s also a ripple effect from you showing kindness to someone… kindness is contagious. It’s not about the grand gestures either, just doing something small for someone else can really help to increase your happiness. Make the effort to simply be on the lookout for opportunities to be kind to people. Just making the conscious decision to do this will help you spot things you might have missed before.

Reframe it! – This is such a simple tool… but so effective. It’s a powerful technique that you can use at any time in your life to dial down the intensity of any negative emotions you may be feeling. It does take practice but becomes so much easier over time. You’re retraining your brain to naturally focus more on the positives. The first stage of using this reframing technique, is to become conscious of the thoughts you’re having and where your focus is.

Then flip those thoughts and reframe them. Ask yourself what’s one good thing, or positive thing about the situation. There will always be something.

Celebrate your wins – This helps to foster a sense of accomplishment which is essential for us to flourish and thrive in life. Research in positive psychology has shown that celebrating the small wins, and more frequently, has a bigger impact than waiting for the big thing to celebrate. It can feel like you have a mountain to climb when you’re going through a divorce so it’s important to celebrate all the small steps and wins along the way. It helps to build momentum and encourages you to keep going so you can find happiness again and the life you deserve. It boosts your mood and confidence which keeps you motivated on the tough days.

Best possible self exercise – This tool is a powerful way of changing your mindset about the future and feeling more optimism about it. One of the most difficult things when you’re going through a divorce is imagining what your future will look like without your ex and this can be overwhelming, especially if it’s not something you wanted. Take some time to sit down and journal or visualise what your life would look like if everything has turned out in the best possible way. This helps you to identify what you really want and then you can set yourself goals and start working towards that. Keep coming back to the exercise to gain more clarity over time.

Sarah Woodward is a multi-award-winning Breakup and Divorce coach and supports you through the emotional and practical challenges of your breakup so that you can make divorce your happy ever after.

She is also a Positive Psychology Coach, a qualified Personal and Business Coach and a Narcissism Trained Coach with additional training to support clients who are in abusive relationships.

You can contact her at sarah@sarah-woodward.com. For more resources, or to book a free clarity call to chat about how coaching could support you, go to her website www.sarah-woodward.com

You can download her free guide: Make divorce the best thing that’s ever happened to you here: https://sarah-woodward.co.uk/make-divorce-the-best-thing-thats-ever-happened-to-you

Here are some helpful tips from Michelle Rumsey on how to manage the Christmas period:

• Communication: Open and honest communication between co-parents is key. Start the conversation as soon as possible. If you haven’t had it already then you definitely need to start now. Creating space and time to explore different options. Think about how this change will impact both of you.
• Children always being at the forefront of your mind: Each child is unique and has different needs depending on developmental age, relationship with extended family, friends locally, hobbies, parties. What is best for your child/ren? How can you create new happy memories? What can you both do to help your children be excited about Christmas rather than apprehensive about the changes?
• Plan: Create a plan together in how you communicate best, face to face, email, telephone. Be specific about drop offs and pick ups and what will happen each day over the holidays. Christmas extends over 2 weeks for children.  Whilst it’s natural to see Christmas day as the main event you can do the same things as a family on any other day in the Christmas holidays and most children won’t object to having two days of celebration!

• Be flexible: Children’s needs come first, at the last minute they may be invited to a party or they may want to see a grandparent or they may be unwell. It is important communication doesn’t stop after the plan has been agreed. Changes sometimes happen we can not plan for although it can help to think about what bumps in the road might crop up and talk about how you would deal with them.
• Once agreed on a plan: Put this in writing, you are all clear on the arrangements, communication and expectations.
• Keep the children informed: Depending on Childrens age and needs ask the children what they would like, let them express their preferences and hopes. Involved them, if appropriate, in the planning. Children often have creative ways of managing things and it can be empowering for them to know they’ve been involved in some of the decision making.
• Alternate years: Many parents find it helpful to alternate Christmas arrangements each year. For example, one parent has the Children on Christmas day this year and the other parent has them the next year. This way, both parents get to celebrate with the children on special occasions. Some parents set things up so that the children are with one parent on Christmas Day, and the other on Boxing Day and it changes each year. What will work best for your family?
• Stay positive: Remember that holiday arrangements can be challenging, but maintaining a positive approach and cooperation will create a better experience for everyone. It can always take time for new things to feel normal especially after a big change like a divorce or separation.

• Be sensitive: The change and unknown of the first Christmas after separation can create different emotions, negative and positive. Be sensitive to everyone’s emotions and understand emotions are challenged and change. You and your co-parent might be experiencing different emotions but it help to treat the way you each feel as being valid.

If you find it difficult to reach an agreement on your own, consider Mediation to help support this discussion. Mediation can help facilitate discussions and reach a resolution that feels fair to everyone involved. Your children can also have their say in the mediation process so that you factor in their ideas. This is generally for children of 10 and older and only happens where both parents and the children want it to but it can be a useful way of ensuring everyone’s voices are heard in the arrangements that you make. The goal is to make the Christmas season as memorable for your children and yourselves as possible and that can sometimes require some creativity and to think outside the box about what will work for you.

Family Mediation is known for supporting couples with financial settlements writes Michelle Rumsey and childcare arrangements. As family mediators our roles are not isolated to only financial and children, we incorporate a wide range of other areas.  One area in particular that has increased over the years is the family dog and ‘Who gets the dog?’.  Dogs are part of the family and may people find the way the court approaches the as possessions to be unsatisfactory and not in keeping with how the dog is viewed within the family.  In family mediation you can address any issues that are important to you, regardless of whether these would be dealt with by a court.

Family Mediation can be a helpful tool to find a resolution that considers the best interest of all parties involved, including the well-being of the dog.

During family mediation, the mediator will facilitate a discussion between the parties involved to explore their interests, concerns, and possible solutions regarding the ownership of the dog. The mediator will encourage open communication, active listening, and respectful dialogue to help the parties understand each other’s perspectives.

In the case of a dispute over the dog, several factors may be considered during mediation, including,

1. Care and suitable living for the dog
2. Attachment and relationships with the dog. Emotional bond with the dog and who the dog has spent most of their time with.
3. The party’s ability to meet the financial commitment of the dog and how these will be met.
4. Lifestyle and availability, living arrangements and working hours.
5. Childrens emotional attachment to the dog and the impact this has on everyone involved.

Ultimately, the goal of family mediation is to reach a mutually agreeable solution that looks at the best interests of all the parties involved, including the dog. The mediator will help look at all solutions, for example shared care, visiting the dog, holidays. Ensuring the welfare of the dog is considered at all times.

Michelle Rumsey

Dealing with the breakdown of a relationship can be heart breaking at the best of times but if you are going through a divorce and you didn’t want to separate, it can be overwhelming.  If this sounds familiar, here are a few ways mediation can help;

• Give yourself time – In mediation, you will never feel rushed into making any decisions or changes until you feel ready.  It is your process and mediation will proceed at a pace both parties feel comfortable with.  Your mediator will talk to you both about the Grief Cycle.  It is common for two people to be on very different points on this Cycle and your mediator will be able to support you with this. 

• Get support – your mediator will offer a safe space for you to voice your worries and concerns about the future.  They will also be able to sign post other organisations that can offer your support, like co-parenting workshops, therapeutic support and legal advice. 

• Take control – the decision to separate may have been taken out of your hands.  There will, however, be plenty of other decisions that need to be made going forwards.  If you and your spouse can discuss matters in mediation and agree a way forward, this means that you have taken control as to what the future is going to look like, even if it is different to what you thought it was going to be.    

• Be realistic – you may be eager to move past this painful period in your life, but it is important that any agreement you reach is sustainable and realistic.  Your mediator will support you with this and raise any issues that he or she can foresee causing difficulties ahead.

It’s a truth universally acknowledged (by family mediators anyway), that mediation has many benefits.  For example, it is widely accepted that family mediation is quicker, more cost effective and less acrimonious than going to court. 

Here are three further benefits to family mediation that you might not have thought of:

1. It is empowering

You are in control when you come to mediation.  You can choose the mediator, someone you feel you can work with and trust.  You can choose the topics you wish to discuss with your ex-partner in mediation and when you want to discuss them.  Also, if you want to, you can step back from mediation at any time.  It is a completely voluntary process. 

In mediation, all decisions are made by the parties.  The mediator will not tell you what to do.  This also means that you are in control about what your future looks like. 

2. It will help your communication

Mediation provides an environment where the parties can talk to one another, openly and honestly.  Both parties are given an equal opportunity to speak and to listen to what the other person has to say.  Mediation offers a chance to press the re-set button on your communication issues, so that everyone feels heard and the way forward can be discussed in a more positive manner. 

3.You have nothing to lose

Mediators will encourage their clients to go into mediation with a positive and open mind.  There is a real chance to reach a resolution.  However, if you cannot agree on a way forward, the discussions that have taken place within mediation will not affect your legal rights and cannot be referred to outside of the mediation process.  You have lost nothing by trying. 

In the third blog we looked at the positives there might be for you following a separation.  We gave some examples so you can see that there could be positives, even if you don’t recognise them in your situation right now.

In this blog we thought it might be helpful to just share a bit of inspiration with you to keep you going if you’re finding things tough or difficult right now.  If you do feel stuck, or that there simply might never be life that doesn’t feel like it does now then have a look at our blog.  There is such a wealth of resource in it that you will likely find something that speaks to your current challenges.  Don’t forget there is also our online shop that has affordable resources for anyone going through a separation.  You only need to pay for each resource once and then you and your partner can both use them.

We also run the Soulful Separation Support group which is an online community for anyone going through a separation.  You can get support there from others who are also on this journey.  There are also professionals in there like us who can offer you support and guidance with issues you’re finding tricky.

Finding light in the dark places is often challenging in a separation.

We’ve also included some inspirational quotes below and added our interpretation to them if you’re feeling a bit short on inspiration and not feeling like there is any light at the end of the tunnel.

“Hope is important because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear. If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear a hardship today.” – Thich Nhat Hanh

We don’t know anything about Thich Nhat Hanh but a google search tells us that he is a Vietnamese Thien Buddhist Monk and peace activist who founded the Plum Village Tradition.  This quote needs little explanation.  We all need hope for tomorrow to get us through the challenges today.

“It is only in our darkest hours that we may discover the true strength of the brilliant light within ourselves that can never, ever, be dimmed.” – Doe Zantamata

This quote resonated strongly with Louisa Whitney who can see that some of the greatest challenges of her professional and personal life have made her realise the strength she has and she now draws on this in any challenging situation.  Louisa also explains that she feels she can move back to a more positive place in any challenge now because of the strength she has gained from previous challenges.  Doe is an author, artist and photographer who wrote the Happiness in Your Life book series.

“The greatest glory in living lies not in never failing, but in rising every time we fail.” – Nelson Mandela

This quote makes us want to play the Andra Day track “Rise Up”.  It never fails to make us feel more powerful and worthy in each challenging moment.  What music makes you feel more worthy and more powerful?  Why not play a track today?

Finally this quote that we saw courtesy of the keepinspiring.me website gave us chills because so often going through a separation can really feel like you’re battling a big head wind and just not getting anywhere.  We understand that feeling.  But what if this was just preparation for take off?

Do you feel like you’ve taken off into the wind?

We hope you’ve found these quotes inspiring.  If anything has inspired you in your separation then please add it below or email us to tell us about it so we can pass it on to others who might need it.

If you haven’t already seen this blog series then the first blog was the introduction and talking about why positives are important, and especially right now during the pandemic.  The second blog talked about how there can be an improved relationship with your children following a separation.  Again these changes might be more in the longer term, rather than the short term, but keeping an eye on changes in the short term can help to shine a light on what things might be like at the end of the tunnel.

In terms of your relationship you may already see this.  If you made the decision to separate, or it was a mutual decision, then you have likely embraced the fact that your life will be better without being in a relationship with your ex partner.  Whatever the reason for that you must have felt strongly enough about it to make the decision to separate.  If the decision was effectively handed to you then it can be harder to see the positives.  If you felt that there were difficulties in the relationship then you might like to contemplate what not having those difficulties, or arguments, might feel like to you.  If you felt that there weren’t any difficulties and that you were happy with your partner then it is often much harder to see any positives for your future and it can take quite some time for you to feel like there might be light in your future.  This is OK but if you feel you are struggling emotionally – and especially with anxiety or depression – then it’s a good idea to get some support.  A conversation with your GP can be a good port of call.

The light at the end of the tunnel can take a while to see in a separation

To help you here are some positives that we have heard over the years from clients, friends and family going through a separation:

• There was a hobby I always wanted to take up that I didn’t have time for but now I will be able to and I’m looking forward to that.
• I had a desire to pursue a promotion or a career change but it didn’t fit in with our family life but now I can pursue this and the extra income will help me as a single person.  I’m looking forward to being more financially independent.
• Our arguments left me feeling drained and I’m looking forward to a more peaceful life without the daily arguments, sulking and mean comments.  It will be much better to not feel I’m walking on eggshells the whole time.
• My ex partner wasn’t always nice to me and my confidence was really affected.  I can see that since we have separated my confidence levels have risen a little and I am looking forward to where greater confidence might take me.
• I often felt conflicted between my partner’s needs and my children’s needs and my own needs.  Without having to worry about my partner’s needs I’m looking forward to focusing on my children’s needs when they’re with me, and my own needs when my children are with my ex partner.
• My partner and I are very different people and being together meant both of us had to make compromises to find a way forward together.  I’m looking forward to being more “me” again.

These may not be your positives.  You may be able to see that some of them might be positives to you in the immediate or longer term future.  Or you may feel there are other positives for you.  It can help to write them down and go back to them when you feel you’re having a dark moment.  Being able to see what might be in the future can get you through the challenges.   As you see new positives – however small – write them down so you can watch them grow into bigger positives, or hold onto them during moments where you feel challenged.

If you would like help in managing your separation in the most constructive and peaceful way possible then you can download our free video with guidance on how to improve your communication to move forward.  It explains why communication is often challenging in a separation, and gives you guidance on how to improve this.

We also run a free Facebook group where those going through a separation can talk to others in the same situation (people are at varying stages in the separation so can share experiences at all stages) and where professionals come in and talk to you about issues you’re facing and how to deal with them.  It’s called Soulful Separation Support.