This is the last in our series of blogs looking at giving help to you to navigate your separation. The aim of this series has been to look at the issue of separation from different angles and give you things to think about that will hopefully help you through this process (both the administrative and financial process and the emotional healing process). We have talked about the grief of divorce and how real this is. We have also talked about the energy of divorce and how this plays out and the link between emotions and physical health. We have also talked about the importance of taking responsibility for the decisions that are made in divorce as they will affect you and so you need to be confident and own decisions you make about your future.
To watch the video talking about what to do in the immediate aftermath of a separation click of the link below.
In this blog we’re talking about bringing the alternative into dispute resolution. This is a phrase that has some history to it and it’s perhaps a little tongue in cheek from our perspective. When family mediation and collaborative practice were introduced in this country they were known as Alternative Dispute Resolution because essentially they were an alternative to the more traditional methods of negotiation between lawyers and court proceedings. Somewhere along the way the alternative got dropped because essentially it was felt that resolving things using a supported process that helps keep things constructive should be the “norm” and not an alternative.
We’re of a similar mindset with regard to bringing other forms of assistance into the family mediation (or indeed any other dispute resolution process). We have talked a lot about how counselling or therapy can help you move forward in a separation by enabling you to get passed difficult emotions that may be keeping you from moving on, processing your grief or being able to make decisions about what happens next. We have also spoken a lot about getting expert help to support you in decision making. That might mean getting a financial expert to help you understand what you can borrow by way or of mortgage, or whether the pension provision you have will mean you can make ends meet until the day you leave this world.
But we also think it’s important to look at the full breadth of support that could help support you during a separation. In our blog on the energy of divorce we talked about the link between our feelings and thoughts and emotions and our physical and mental health and support to enable you to unpick these problems and to move forward to a better place can be invaluable in a separation. Many of the therapies focused on ‘energy’ or ‘healing’ are seen as alternative therapies and the question in our mind is in whose world are they alternatives and what are they alternatives to?
We passionately believe at LKW Family Mediation that there simply isn’t and can’t be a formulaic or ‘one size fits all’ approach to separation. Different people have different needs, priorities, objectives, issues, barriers, limiting beliefs, challenges and concerns. So the support for each separating couple needs to be tailored to them (and that is not to say that each person in the separating couple will need the same thing). This means that different people will need different people supporting them and different things from those people. Some people may need the bare minimum of time with a lawyer because they understand the issues and it’s just a question of them agreeing what works for them. They don’t feel it makes any difference what the law says, they just want to feel it’s fair. Others may feel their situation is complex and will require expert advice from lawyers, accountants and Chartered Financial Planners.
The people you want support you will also be different depending on where you live, what service you want, how much you can afford, what cultural or religious issues you feel may be relevant, your personality, your beliefs, your mindset and a whole host of other factors.
We encourage all those going through a separation to reflect on their situation and to think about what support they need at the moment. Sometimes you don’t know what support services are out there or what might help you so it can help to just focus on what you think you need help with and then work out who could help with that. Whatever it is we guarantee that somebody somewhere can help and we will put you in touch with them if we can.
This is a list of potential help/support/therapy/services that we feel might assist in a separation (we anticipate adding to this as we find new things):
• Legal advice which could be from a solicitor/paralegal/legal executive/caseworking/direct access barrister/Professional Mackenzie Friend
• Family Mediation
• Collaborative practice (you can find any of these top three people via the search facility on Resolution’s website or get in touch for local practitioners we know.
• Coaching – personal, life, business, relationship, divorce
• Divorce Consultant
• Pranic Healing
• Theta Healing
• Psych-K – a technique that helps you alter subconscious beliefs to change your mindset
• EFT (similar to Psych K but uses a different technique)
• NLP (neuro linguistic programming)
• Accountant – forensic accountant or tax specialist
• Independent Financial Adviser
• Chartered Financial Planner
• Estate agent
And if you think we’ve missed anyone out then please let us know!
It’s unlikely anyone would need all of the above but if you’ve followed any of our blogs or social media for any length of time you will know that we strongly believe that the most constructive way of sorting out your separation is to get the right help at the right time from the right professional and that that may well mean you need a few professionals to assist you. But getting the right help at the right moment is more likely to save you money spent with the wrong person at the wrong time (or the right person at the wrong time). We encourage all our clients to reflect on what support you need right now, or more accurately, what do you need support with right now. What’s the question that goes through your mind at 3 a.m.? What do you think is current the biggest barrier to you resolving things? If you think it’s your ex then maybe it’s your mindset then needs to change a bit so you can look at what you can do to improve things. Sometimes one person doing something differently can create change on its own.
Other blogs that might help:
If you’d like to get these blogs and other resources for support directly into your inbox why not sign up for our free mailing list. We also have a separate mailing list for professionals working with separating couples. This will include details of our forthcoming training workshops and networking events.
Spend time on social media? Then why not get support there too? We put out lots of articles and information on our social media channels. If you feel able to share our posts so we can help more people then we’d be really grateful. You can find us on Facebook, Twitter or Pinterest. You can also find Louisa Whitney on Linkedin.